Friday, 17 April 2009

Australia vs. South Africa 5th ODI

Woah, we're starting. South Africa have miraculously won the toss and elected to bowl on a ground which has produced some very prolific scores in the past. Very good news for me, because unfortunately, I won't be able to tough out the entire match tonight. Work is in the way. There's a load of events in Sydney tomorrow and I have to be present at more than I'd originally thought. So I'll probably make it through one innings, or as fast as I think cold spoons will no longer be able to de-puff my eyes tomorrow morning. Big day, can't be looking like a zombie.

Alright, here's how I'm posting. >> denotes a new point, as I won't be chatting about every ball, only the interesting parts of the match. I won't even specify which over I'm talking about, just keep up real time.
Don't cry if I cuss like a sailor. I cannot restrain myself.
And of course, COMMENT goddammit. Join in the fun and we'll have lovely chats about the weather and whatnot. Fun times ahead, folks.

Here's a trivia question to get things rolling: Who is the best player out of these two teams?

In order to practise and prepare myself for the IPL, I will be referring to every six as a DLF Maximum. Just to make things a bit more irritating and interesting.

>> Boring shit, national anthems. Used to know all the words to the Australian one, but in true Aussie spirit, forgot it and learnt Waltzing Matilda instead.

>> Mark Boucher is shivering with memories of the last ODI played between these two sides here. The 438 one. How he'll remember that number for life...

>> HI AUSTRALIA. Funny Haddin's been their best batsman in this ODI series so far. That shows just how shit they've been.

>> Someone get out. But first, I need to get out of my T20 mindset.

>> Consecutive fours. I've never seen anything like it from Australia of late, except when Punter made a mad dash for his 50 last time.

>> For all those people wanting to know about Napoleon Einstein, you'll be interested to note his name is misspelt on the CSK website under their list of players. Sad. I've decided to bold random names throughout this. All for your viewing experience, of course. Aren't I lovely?

>> Bored as hell, bring Albie on.
Also caught something on TV earlier showing the best moments of the IPL. Slightly interesting, mostly shit. I could come up with better players to profile.

>> What the hell is going on with Haddin? He's actually hitting the ball. 20 off 18. Fucking shit.

>> Australia bringing up their 50 in no time. Clarke being an idiot and not getting out.

>> Bring on the DLF Maximum Sixes. I want a real run chase now. Am tempted to reach for a drink, but am restraining myself. Not a good idea, dear. Not with a day like tomorrow to live through.

>> Due to the lack of DLF Maximums, am going to rechristen fours as AMY S. DESTROYERS.

>> WHAT, MORNE?

>> Everyone's favourite, no-balling, gargantuan bowler runs up to Clarke and tries to prove his worth. Pup promptly hits him for an Amy S. Destroyer. SHITHEAD, he cackles, as the ball glides towards the boundary.
Wait a minute, Morne only gave away 5 runs. How the fuck is that possible? WHAT ABOUT HIS BLISTERS?

>> Fat prick's brought on to replace Steyn.

>> More Amy S. Destroyers from Clarke. Haddin seems to be taking a backseat here in the race to 50 runs. Clarke likely to get there first.

>> Seem to be doing well with the cursing today, very PG13+. Some days I can barely get through a sentence without throwing a dozen in.

>> FUUUUUUCK, DLF MAXIMUM AND AN AMY S. DESTROYER! What a combo from Haddin who brings up his 50 before Pup. "Haha, fuck you, bastard" he mutters to his opening partner as he walks down the pitch to be congratulated.

>> This is really fucking great. The stadium's going to be full soon and Australia will have scored 100 within 14 overs. RR 7.35

>> Morne switched souls with Kallis. He is now the containing bowler.

>> Oh fucking hell, Albie hit for an Amy S. Destroyer by Pup. What a bitch. Morne, at the other end, continues to save runs. Goddamn, what is the world coming to?

>> Fuck, Clarke you digusting piece of shit. Just get the fuck out. Also thought I'd mention Morne was the bastard who let that first Amy S. Destroyer through with his shit fielding. Stupid dickhead, this is some sort of payback for the shoes.

>> Why is this happening? Why is Morne bowling well? Why, goddammit?

>> Fuck me. Even ROFL's being hit for Amy S. Destroyers. The Aussies are going to win the Pak series if they remain this confident.

>> Am conflicted by my desire to see T20 style hitting but also to see Albie lord over Pup.

>> HAHAHA, Morne Morkel just bowled a maiden. The world is officially coming to an end. And he is officially coming back into the team.

>> Thought I'd tell some semblance of the truth. On some level, I may actually be glad that Morne's doing well. WAIT FUCK MORNE FUCK YOU, GODDAMN BASTARD, YOU'RE A GENIUS!

>> The grass is suddenly greener. Albie knows how to take a wicket when it matters.

>> Following up on that thought about Morne before Albie interjected so brilliantly, it would have been a shame if Morne had failed spectacularly. The guy can bowl. And well.

>> My plan is unfolding, Albie is hopefully going to bowl to Punter soon and get him the fuck out of here.

>> Albie is already having the intended effect of Punter. Almost tempted him to drive foolishly at the end of the last over. Not too long before heads start rolling, methinks. Albie's the best bowler for the job. Seamer, right-hander, the best chance to get Ponting's wicket, especially early on.

>> Want to join the Barmi Army. Unfortunately, can't.

>> What the fuck, Punter hit an Amy S. Destroyer off Albie.

>> PUP IS OUT. Go Duminy, catching things all the time. ROFL gets Clarke to make a stupid shot.

>> The Echidna walks out to face Albie. Who to back? Oh, Ferguson hits an Amy S. Destroyer. Don't mind, because he's still a pretty darn great player.

>> Good man, Echidna. Save your team. Be a star. Hit Albie for a DLF Maximum.

>> Apparently Ntini can get through to Ponting sooner than Albie can. Fucking shitheads.

>> Go Ferguson. You hit that rapist for as many Amy S. Destroyers as you can. Top job.

>> Duminy comes in for the spin show. Wicket likely to follow.

>> Just realised I have about half the innings to go. Christ. I need to be waking up in about 4 hours to go look at some bloody cows and fill in for someone.

>> The Echidna is making Ntini pay for his sins. Wonder what AB's thinking. Pleased to discover AB hasn't played an important role in the proceedings today and attempted to have the spotlight shine solely on him and his wondrous positivity.

>> Damn, I'd love to watch this run chase.

>> THE ECHIDNA IS OUT ON 41. AB took the fucking catch. Couldn't let him have his little bit of glory with a half century now, could we? Anyway, Mike's in, so Australia are effectively 193/4 with him.

>> Damn. Floodlights.

>> New ball + Steyn. Let's see him work some wonders, and follow in Steve Irwin's footsteps.

>> I'm really surprised Mike has survived 16 balls.

>> WTF a DLF Maximum Six from Punter. Off Duminy. Crazy shit, and next ball, HE'S OUT. Take that, Ponting, JP's a real off spinner. Seeing as ordinary spinners are the bane of Australia's existence... Out on 40, no 50 for you.

>> Oh, Dave. Just get out, why don't you. Sad effort, you just gave a part-time bowler another wicket. And your brother still isn't out yet.

>> Duminy just gave away 4 runs in wides. Is Hopes the final hope of Australia? hehe. Sad thing is, he's not because Mitch is going to come out and try his hand at batting as well.

>> Sorry, wandered off there. AB shows off his awesome sk1llz and runs out poor Hopes. Okay, I'll admit it was a good run out. He always orchestrates good run outs, damn it.

>> Johnson OUT. HAHA, this is the sound of me laughing. Jolly good. I'll say! More English phrases! Etc. Caught and bowled Duminy, good stuff from his today. That's three wickets.
Anyway, Australia are fucked from here on in. I can finally get some sleep.

>> The sooner SA bowl these fuckers out, the sooner I can catch up on much-needed rest. I will miss the SA innings, including Albie's ton, but I am sure I'll manage.

>> Confused. Why is Hauritz still there? Moreover, why is Hussey still there?

>> Australia forced to take their powerplay for the last 5 overs. Useless.

>> Someone kill me. Mike and Hauritz are excruciating to watch. Luckily, ALBIE'S BACK. Oh shit no, it's Morne. I'm seeing things.

>> Fuck. Huss hits an Amy S. Destroyer off Morne. Shit delivery in the first place, it deserved to be hit for a boundary.

>> Just gonna sit out these last few overs. Or not.

>> Steyn drops a catch off Morne. Blah blah. Stupid.

>> Oh, last over, and Hauritz HITS A DLF MAXIMUM! That's like it, bringing up the 300 mark. The saffas are going to have to avoid brain explosions and try not to let old habits of choking creep back on them if they're gonna win this one and rub it deep in the Aussies' faces.

>> It's finally over. Never thought this would happen. Time to run off for 2 hours sleep.

Australia 303/7 after 50 overs.
South Africa 304 required to win and kick their pansy asses.

74 comments:

richie_141 said...

Did you have a pre-cricket nap? I find they help immensely. I get up for work at 6, and after watching every ball of the SA tour, sometimes going to bed when I would usually be getting up is tough.

Oh, and it wouldn't be Albie Morkel, would it?

Esra_Star said...

Greatest ODI ever! ROFL has been impressive, the croc hunter has bowled well but Albie would have to be the man.

Oh and Amy I think Boucher answered your question too.

Amy said...

Right you are. Don't know how you got that one.

I'm going to have to wake up at an extraordinarily early time to make it to the Easter Show, then hop across town for the Surry Hills Festival. But it gets better, because then I have to make it to the games. Can't wait for a day of sore legs.

Amy said...

Esra, I hope you didn't just say that. Albie is crying.

rhoe said...

I vote for a prize for ritchie. :)

Esra_Star said...

I didn't mean to make the boy cry, you better go comfort him. At least I didn't mention the holy one, he's played like shit! haha

Amy said...

It's okay, Albie will get over it and just steal your shoes.

richie_141 said...

Was the IPL show mostly shit cos Albie was only featured being bowled?

Esra_Star said...

Amy, do you know if the IPL being shown in Aus on Foxtel or just on 10's dodgy all sport channel?

Amy said...

Shit because they skipped most of Shaun Marsh's tirade and decided Shoaib Akhtar was worth it. Also because they didn't give nearly enough airtime to Shane Watson, who went shit crazy last year.

But they did show how Albie's anger at getting out caused that collision in the final. Good times.

Amy said...

Esra, it's exclusive to the dodgy sports channel.

Esra_Star said...

Fuck, that sucks balls. Why have the aussie's decided they can bat all of a sudden, I'm over it. Bring on Albie!

Amy said...

Oh god, but what if it's THAT KIND OF MATCH?

Am suddenly excited again.

rhoe said...

Amy, I hope you are prepping Albie. Some crazy shit is going on.

Esra_Star said...

I think Pup has had Lara pay the umpires.

Amy said...

I like it. Either go all out or get nothing. If the Aussies go all out, I will probably force myself to watch the saffa innings.

richie_141 said...

In typical fashion Michael Clarke remembers that he can actually play cricket just a fraction too late...

Amy said...

A match too late is a fraction too late. I like how you think.

richie_141 said...

Wow, Morne's the most economical bowler! He's praying for rain, before the Aussies remember that he's the only the second best cricketer in his family and smash him around the park.

Might Albie be a bit worried??

Amy said...

Not at all. He saw those blisters up close.

SportsGirl said...

Can someone give please give Haddin a call to fuck off?

Amy said...

Under ordinary circumstances, yes, but today he needs to score a 150 or more. Bring on the big numbers. This might be an exciting match yet.

Deadrubber? What deadrubber?

richie_141 said...

You know, the deadrubber that means it's too late for any runs you make to count, so the top 6 all make 100's. Chase that down, fuckers!!!

Better late than never, or some crap like that

SportsGirl said...

I vote for the new greatest game ever - how about a 439 game?

Amy said...

All's well if Albie doesn't end up going for over 100 runs.

richie_141 said...

I think Morne may have twigged that Albie is out to destroy him. "Steal my shoes will you? Oops, my three foot long arms just couldn't reach that ball. Oh no, it's gone for an Amy S. destroyer! Dearie me. Look at the board, jeez, Albie, you're being carted. What's that, I'm the most economical. Well, go me. *whispers under breath* Fuck you Albie!!"

Esra_Star said...

How come Morne's blisters seem to actually make him play better?

Esra_Star said...

Oh thank fuck ROFL's on, Clarke won't last long now...

Amy said...

He'll claim the poor fielding is a result of his feet but somehow, he's still able to bowl well with those feet. Piss off.

SportsGirl said...

That's right Brad - you go away now

richie_141 said...

It's like Morne's become another person. Maybe he has switched souls with fat prick. Bet he's glad he got to keep his own body. He may be a freakishly tall, slightly out of proportion ogre, but imagine looking into a mirror and seeing Jacques Kallis starring back at you. And if it were a full length mirror. Fuck...

richie_141 said...

Morne must be so pissed...

Amy said...

Albie doesn't let silly things like sibling rivalry get in the way of taking wickets.

Esra_Star said...

Richie suicide would be your only option if you woke up in Jacques body. Do the world a favour. What a nightmare!

richie_141 said...

And yet the man himself as seen fit to inflict himself on the world.

Amy said...

The real nightmare is being Shamone.

Esra_Star said...

But thats by CHOICE! Crazy woman.

Albie is the perfect man...

richie_141 said...

Well, I just can't have sympathy for someone who chooses to be inflicted upon. He must have really big feet.

Amy said...

Or a big heart.

Esra_Star said...

Yuck what a mood killer! hahaha

I really like ROFL is that wrong? He just reminds me a bit of Gunther, he has that same anger...

richie_141 said...

Or perhaps a big bank balance? Or maybe I'm just being a bit cynical. Perhaps fugly fat fucks with stupid whiny voices just really does it for her...

Amy said...

Liking ROFL and Gunther is intrinsically linked with being awesome. I like them both.

Esra_Star said...

I feel better knowing that Amy!

I bet AB probably sides with the Echidna.

Esra_Star said...

Cows aren't that important Amy. Cricket always rules over work.

richie_141 said...

More proof Jesus loves AB??

Amy said...

After the cows, it's horses, then auctioneers. Dunno how I'm going to talk to them, they probably talk like maniacs in real life too.

Then off to a dozen other places.

So in the end, cows have first say. Smelly bastards.

Richie, Jesus loves everyone.

Esra_Star said...

But he loves AB more!

Amy said...

Only on Wednesdays.

richie_141 said...

Or when he's posting abusive anonymous posts here. I know I can't compete with AB for JC's affection.

Esra_Star said...

Is it possible he's just a figment of AB's imagination?

Esra_Star said...

Oh dear Morne is back on...

richie_141 said...

Call me geeky, but I'd love to see the Morkel brothers bowling to the Hussey brothers.

And the Hussey brothers smashing some DLF maximums.

Amy said...

I'd be happy if Mike smashed them off Albie and Dave smashed them off Morne. It would be balanced then, and appropriate.

Esra_Star said...

Pretty impressive stumping from Bouch, even better run out...shame it was AB who threw it!

Prafs said...

Mr. Allrounder doesn't quite seem to be upto it this series.. though i'm still not convinced JP got his hands under the ball

Prafs said...

or maybe i need to buy a new pair of glasses

Amy said...

Neither was he, but he did the right thing and asked to have it checked. Umpires reckon it was out, can't disagree. It's not as though JP's claiming the catch irrefutably.

Prafs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Esra_Star said...

Good honesty by JP too. How well have SA done at the beginning of this we were looking at another 400+ game!

Amy said...

It was a possibility, but it would have taken some real hard work from the middle order, who, as we know, seem to be regularly collapsing under the slightest pressure.

Prafs said...

yeah, it seems the aussies just hade a brain fade after the good start
the batsmen dont really seem to be all that interested in the game

richie_141 said...

It's like they've suddenly developed an allergy to partnerships. Which frustrates me to death. Literal death

Esra_Star said...

I think the entire batting order have collapsed all summer, mainly due to part time spin pressure!

Amy said...

You forget specialist off spinner Paul Harris, who is entirely ordinary but somehow one of the best bowlers in the world. It's a disgrace.

Lauren said...

Hussey is still there because after he has he second highest average for Australia this Tour in ODIs after Haddin.

Esra_Star said...

That sums it up perfectly.

These 2 are aware they've got Morne bowling at them, in a powerplay... in a ODI right? It's like watching a test again!

Amy said...

They did hit 11 runs off the Morne over, courtesy of a few poor deliveries from him. That, and bad fielding from Ntini.

Still feels like the powerplay hasn't come into effect.

Amy said...

Lauren, it's been an awkward set of scores this series, and for many past series. I wish he were able to truly perform and show the same class he did early in his international career.

Lauren said...

I'm not sure it's a compliment to Hussey or an insult to the rest of the team that it's the case.

Hussey is taking a lot of the pressure because he's set such high standards for himself and 38 is certainly not impressive but when compared to 31 (Ponting & Clarke) and 12.50 (his brother) you want to defend the guy. I thought Ferguson has had a good series but still only average 36!

Prafs said...

Meanwhile, morne seems to be succeeding in his plan to oust albie..
the ogre has been rather economical, and no no-balls either!

Amy said...

Lauren, Ferguson HAS had a good series. He has played extremely well and stepped up to the plate to dig Australia out of a few nasty holes.

Prafs, there's no way Morne's ousting Albie out of the ODI side. The Test side, sure, but not the ODI side. Stupid bastard seems to have improved his technique.

richie_141 said...

Can it get any worse for Albie today? Turns out Morne gets magic blisters, with the power to eradicate no balls and ensure you make more runs than your all-rounder brother.

My grandma used to say no experience was wasted if you learnt something from it. I guess Albie's learnt not to fuck with his brother's kit.

richie_141 said...

Awww, you know, I was actually beginning to hope he'd be unbeaten! Anyway, at least he made more than 10, and is therefore not a pansy.

And I get to go to bed 4.1 overs earlier than anticipated. Yay! That usually only happens when we've been thrashed...

Amy said...

Albie's face when Benny took that brilliant catch was precious.