The Woes of Bopara

Out for 49, so close to that half century.

Not again, he says as he storms off the ground. This is getting pretty fucking ridiculous. He's missed two in a row and suddenly Mitchell Johnson's words are getting to him. Slowly, very gradually, over the next few weeks he begins doubting himself, doubting his abilities. That century in the Test? Long gone. It's all ODIs and failing in the 40s for Bopara now. As the days go by, he finds himself descending into a state of failure-induced insanity. He is the crazy fellow who sits in a corner of the room, rocking silently and muttering the number 49 to himself repeatedly.

Of course, there's a flip side to it all but it's a pretty big flip side, just as this is a pretty long way for Bopara to supposedly fall. And I'm not going to mention it because it's a little scary.

Next match, he says. Next match he'll get that 50. It's only the Windies they're playing anyway.

And his captain has gone ahead and beat him. Bopara cries himself to sleep at the very thought.

Ahem. Colly & Broad Highlights

From the ODI against the Windies which they somehow won, bringing their total to 1 out of 1 which is an achievement in itself for the fellows:

It seems the poor ranga got a little too excited winning the match for England. Interestingly enough, I had a fascinating discussion with a very liberal-minded 50 year old lady today about rangas. She was actually talking about the treatment of Germans in the first World War, but for the sake of a comparison, she uttered the words "What if you said 'you're an orangutan!' to a redhead and drove them off the land?" a few too many times. For the record, if you are a redhead, I do love you, even if your soul is corrupted by Satan himself. I was once a voluntary ranga myself back in high school, bet you didn't know that.

However, this isn't a post about rangas, it's about Stuart Broad:

Oh yes.

What's that? You want me to take him seriously? To take Broad seriously?

Ha.

Bitter Owais Shah Looks For Revenge

Mesmerising everyone with his rather large eyes, Owais Shah is out for revenge against the ECB. The place to start is defending his county's decision to take on Phil Hughes prior to the Ashes. For the unitiated, the best way to do this is to remove one of England's possible avenues for excuse if they happen to lose the Ashes series. Here's how you do it, Owais-style:

"I don't think you can say that because this one guy has come in and played with us for six or seven weeks, it's going to tip the Ashes in their favour or our favour. It runs deeper than that."

He continued, "In fact, you're only going to lose the series if your number 3 is an incompetent asshole, so we'd better hope England doesn't have one like that, eh?" Oh Shah, I know where you're going with this. It's alright, we understand. Ravi's not going into hiding either, he knows what a great person you are.

Meanwhile, it turns out Kevin Pietersen's Achilles' heel is in fact his Achilles tendon. Apparently he'd "disappointed" he won't get to play the Windies in the ODI series. Bullshit, he's the luckiest guy on the team and I think everyone knows it. Wouldn't Strauss just love to skip this pointless contest against a country they don't particularly rate, having now jumped their way to 5 in the ICC Test ratings.

On the other hand, England could very much want to play this series against WI. It's been a while since they've won anything for an extended period of time. Plus, it'll boost their career figures a little, particularly for the newer players. Wouldn't a 5-for do Tim Bresnan a whole lot of good ahead of his fight with Freddie for a place in England's side. Some fight that'll be.

"VOT?!"

Interview With Michael Clarke

Catching up with Michael Clarke over a chai latte at a rather wanky café named “Soul Refresh”, chosen as the place of our meeting at the express request of Michael. Below is an audio recording of the interview:

“Hi, sorry I’m late, I was just having…”

“No worries, I wasn’t waiting for—”

“…Another shopping trip with Lara, you don’t know how she gets when my credit card is readily on offer. I come back from a tour, and I look at my credit card statement and it’s just like, “Money, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?”

“….”

“It was a… joke, you know the ad…”

“…Yeah.”

“Lara says that if people are going to joke about it, we should get into the act too. Subverting the negative cycle, I think is what it’s called. Some “Positive Thinking and You” book Lara gave me for Christmas. She has a matching one. Sometimes we read it to each other over the phone when she’s feeling lonely, the chapter about how long distance relationships are like runt pigs and how they require nurturing….”

“….”

“It’s quite helpful.”

“…”

“Do you want anything?”

“Oh, no I’ve already ordered.”

“Good, could you order for me too? An iced tea, exactly 3 ice-cubes. That’s another thing Lara’s gotten me into. Feng-shui involving food, it’s a Western take on the Asian movement. Ensuring your ingredients are in the correct spiritual proportions to strengthen the bond of ying yang. Very interesting, I think Ellen does it.”

“…Right. Well…”

“Excuse me, hi. An iced tea thanks, on her tab.”

“…”

“Oh, sorry. You don’t mind, do you? I’ve just donated my last year’s earnings to the Liposuction Foundation. Very good cause, they helped Lara with some weight issues when she was eight years old… We don’t talk about it much, but… Anyway, so that’s where my money has gone, and Lara’s taken my credit cards hostage since we got engaged…”

“It’s fine. Can we talk…”

“Cricket? Yeah, sure. Bring it on, or as Lara likes to say, “Involve me in a deep verbal spiritual cleansing”. Quite nice, those phrases we’ve picked up from Positive Thinking and You. Sometimes we try having conversations about the Discussion Topics at the end of the book. They’re supposed to make you a whole person, both mentally and emotionally. In fact, we just had a discussion on existentialism, me and Lara. A bit confusing, I don’t think either of us knew what it was, but we gave it our best shot, and that is the true key to spiritual success as
B. Sohappy, the author of the book, says.”

“…”

“Yes… I do think the book has changed my life in many ways.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. Just quickly on the topic of your recent series win against Pakistan—”

“Good win it was too. I was just talking to Lara about it, actually… what’s wrong? You seem unhappy.”

“…Not at all. You were saying? About the win...”

“Ah look, I can’t gloat, but let’s look at the facts, yeah? No Ricky, no Mitch, no Huss, and no decent fucking spinner either. Except me. I was a bit worried about it, seeing as we’d just, you know…”

“Lost the one day series against South Africa?”

“Two in a row, yeah. So I did what I usually do, I hopped on the phone with Lara and we both skipped to the chapter of Positive Thinking and You where it talks about facing new challenges and she read this very interesting paragraph about how rising to the occasion required the 3 Ps. Passion, Persistence and Pomegranate—that’s a soul-cleansing food by the way, the book says. One of the 3 core detox fruits: pomegranate, mangosteen and strawberry. On that topic, I’d actually accredit some of my success against Pakistan to a new strawberry body butter Lara gave me. It’s soft and nourishing for your skin, and I actually squeezed out pomegranate juice on my hands—took a long time, I’ll tell you—and rubbed the strawberry body butter over the top. It healed up my calluses in no time and I played with the softest hands ever. Good for picking up lots of quick singles.”

“Oh… alright.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell Huss when I got back. You know, try some of this body butter and you’ll be Mr. Cricket again in no time. Although, to be honest, I don’t know if that’s really possible, it seems to be a permanent slump. I’m considering leaving his general circles.
B. Sohappy says associating with failures is often enough to reverse your positive thinking processes. Cause you to fail as well.”

“Does this mean the team is unhappy with Mike Hussey’s performances?”

“Ah look, I wouldn’t put it like that. But the concept of Western feng shui argues that the position of people in relation to each other is equally as important as the position of furniture. If I’m always facing Huss, and Mitch is shining his glory on Punter at the back, who’s going to benefit? I’m just saying that maybe it would be better if Huss stopped hanging out with us and maybe became a part of the spinners’ group. They’re all in similar situations, that’s all. Davo can stay with us, we don’t have anything against him. But I’ve been chatting to Ricky and he agrees with me.”

“On a similar subject, do you think there was a real difference in your captaincy as compared to Ricky’s?”

“Positive Thinking and You recommends you don’t say things like that. I do think there was a difference, yes, because I like to focus on the results. Now if you look at the results, clearly there’s a better captain out of the two of us. I’ve won 100% of my one day series as captain, and Ricky’s record is abysmal in comparison. It’s all a matter of relativity B. Sohappy argues.”

“What would you say contributed to your success in the series? You were one down at the start, but—”

“It was good when we caught the chucker. I think that was a real turning point for me as a captain and for our team in general. Shane did something Positive Thinking and You calls “deconstruction and simplification of the hurdle”—basically breaking down the opposition and revealing their undies. That’s what we did to Pakistan. We stripped them naked and exposed them to everyone. It changed the nature of our game because we saw just how small they really were.”

“Figuratively...?”

“And literally. But the biggest factor of all was probably my interpretative and analytical work as captain. I worked on the “round model theory” that’s outlined in Positive Thinking and You. It basically involves bringing all aspects of your life to the game, and I found we’d been missing out on the most important thing of all.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“What was it?”

“My dreams. B. Sohappy does talk about vision for the future and dreaming big, but I found a whole new meaning for it while in UAE. There was an interesting dramatisation of the works of Sigmund Freud on television. I didn’t understand it, but he seemed quite clever so I googled him and I discovered that my dreams were the missing element in our gameplan.”

“…How so?”

“Well, for example, if I have a dream that a cow is trying to jump over the moon but just can’t make it, and then that cow morphs into Roy fishing stars with the man on the moon, I can go in the next day and issue a notice that all fishing is hereby banned. And as it turned out, I did exactly that while we were in Abu Dhabi. I think Roy was planning to fish for rubbish with a conman who’s told him there was gold hidden in piles of rubbish on the streets. That same day he played for us and hit 10 runs. 10 runs he would never have hit if he’s gone fishing. But at the same time, it’s still only 10 runs, and that’s symbolic of the cow trying to jump over the moon but just not making it. So I talked this over with Roy and I asked him whether he felt like a cow. Turns out he actually did. We had a long discussion, and just look, he’s gone to South Africa and hit a half century first try. It’s the little things like this which count when you’re captain.”

“…”

“…”

“…Oh! Will you look at the time? Terribly sorry, but I have to go. Nice meeting you anyway.”

“No, that’s okay. I have to go too. Lara’s waiting for me at the jewellery store to pick out a new engagement ring. She likes to update it every month.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Yeah, first she shaves my hair off and then she takes my money. I grew that hair for years. That stupid… bitch. Thanks for the iced tea by the way. It was delicious.”

“Yes.”

“Very delicious, the 3 ice-cubes did the trick.”

“…”

End of recording.

Riders might do it

Did you see Brad Hodge out there? When he came out it was just "yeah, here we go" and then off they went. I was half-expecting him to punch Morne van Wyk's head in before the last ball, but he seemed friendly enough. Maybe the six that followed did it.

If Kolkata bowl well, they can win this match. I don't even care to be honest, but it would be better if they won the match because the charts are evened up a little. Plus, it would mean Punjab don't knock Chennai out of the top 4.

Looking at the rankings, the IPL so far has been a very close affair. There's not that great a difference between the first and last teams, if you exclude KKR of course. It's still anyone's game and so the final four will likely come down to a matter of net run rates. Mumbai and Chennai are heading this race. If there's ever a battle for 4th spot with either of them involved, things will swing in their favour.

Mumbai will win the match against Bangalore.

And meanwhile, Shane Watson is hitting 50s. Go expressive hair.

Winning bets for Australia

They were always going to chase that 198 or whatever it was. I don't have much emotion invested in this series at all, just a bit of money from a foolish bet made while completely pissed. So it's a bit of a relief that they actually won.

A long while ago I told Q Australia would win. He said it would be Pakistan. And really, it could have been Pakistan, if it weren't for Roy, Pup and Doug doing a lot of the work after that first failed ODI.

Apparently Evil Doug is from the Baulkham Hills area in Sydney. And even Toongabbie. That's a bit like saying you're from the East End of London. No wonder he is so secretly evil.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA."

Winning the Pakistan series

Pakistan are currently 197/9 in the 48th over. Evil Dougie just got Shoaib Akhtar's wicket.

Fuck, people could get there in a good T20 innings.

So I'm predicting an Australian win, and therefore a series win, but I wouldn't know, because I'm heading off now.

I think that at the start of this series I said I was backing Australia, getting the Aussie spirit back into the game, but these wins have still felt off. Anyway, I'm winning a bet with someone if the Aussies pull through, so fingers crossed they don't collapse extraordinarily in their innings.

And Dougie just got Ajmal out too. Wow.

Johannes Albertus fails us

Maithreyi wanted to know Albie's full name - there you go.

I had high hopes, high expectations, and appropriately he failed me AGAIN.

This is like the shittiest IPL ever. And I know we've only had one before.

What happened to my ALL-ROUND SUPERSTAR?

Dhoni: "The bowlers are letting us down." WELL YES THEY ARE. So is your middle order batting.

And meanwhile, Australia is beating Pakistan in ODIs. And actually playing spin.

The Moment Saeed Ajmal Was Done For

Ducking Beamers has posted the video in which Ajmal's bowling action is first questioned, by none other than Shane Watson:

Watching Watson try to play spin makes me feel very squeamish.

So many suspect bowlers

Saeed Ajmal is next, after a string of perhaps 3 in the past month (SA, Oman, UAE). Ajmal was reported for a suspected illegal bowling action in the 2nd ODI.

Is he a chucker? His doosra is suspect. It's just as well the umpires and the ICC cracked down on this. Everyone's all too willing to call bowlers chuckers but actual evidence and testing is the right way to go. A fair game's a good game.

"Yes! Suspect!"

Do you know Younis Khan went home with half his match fee after that ODI? I didn't. The rest of the players were also fined 20% of their match fee for slow over rates. Hurrah for cracking down on slow over rates.

Roy you bloody beauty

And Michael Clarke has gone from being one of Australia's best players of spin to being absolutely terrible.

Australia won, I can now stop hanging my head in shame. Symonds got 2-12, picking up 2 wickets in one over, and came back later to put on a measured 58 run stand. Australia are glad to have him back.

Hopes was also great in the batting department, scoring 48 when it was needed most.

Evil Doug even managed to suffocate Pakistan, only going for 26 in his 10 overs.

Sing 'Winner' to the tune of 'Thriller'

North for Marsh?

Shaun Marsh has pulled his left hamstring again and is heading home. So Marcus North is coming in.

Australia's chances of winning this series look a little slimmer.

Shaun Marsh Heads Home

Yeah, that's right, that injury? The one you saw flare up again in the last match?

Well, it's taking him home. The world is a cruel place today.

Mighty losses

So Australia lost.

And Bangalore lost.

I won't mention anything about that first loss, but Gilly was absolutely smoking out there. So was Rohit Sharma, of course, but Gilchrist was amazing. We'll be seeing a lot more of this in the matches to come.

Jesse was out for a duck. Something is seriously wrong with him. KP was out on 11, but he took 2 wickets so he's probably secretly pleased with himself. But not as pleased as Dravid who's showing he's the real rock of the team. He made 48, and Kohli made a half century to save face for Bangalore.

Unamusing Australian Collapse

I swear it's not even funny.

Well, it is a little. Pup is funny. But the rest isn't.

122/9 is mindblowing. Shaun Marsh still isn't feeling good, our man Echidna couldn't do it, and really, Haddin and Watson were the only ones doing anything.

So much for supporting Australia through this series. Goddamn. What a measly opening performance.

Credit to the Pakistani bowlers. Afridi is on fire. 6/38. Good going.

Australia vs. South Africa 5th ODI

Woah, we're starting. South Africa have miraculously won the toss and elected to bowl on a ground which has produced some very prolific scores in the past. Very good news for me, because unfortunately, I won't be able to tough out the entire match tonight. Work is in the way. There's a load of events in Sydney tomorrow and I have to be present at more than I'd originally thought. So I'll probably make it through one innings, or as fast as I think cold spoons will no longer be able to de-puff my eyes tomorrow morning. Big day, can't be looking like a zombie.

Alright, here's how I'm posting. >> denotes a new point, as I won't be chatting about every ball, only the interesting parts of the match. I won't even specify which over I'm talking about, just keep up real time.
Don't cry if I cuss like a sailor. I cannot restrain myself.
And of course, COMMENT goddammit. Join in the fun and we'll have lovely chats about the weather and whatnot. Fun times ahead, folks.

Here's a trivia question to get things rolling: Who is the best player out of these two teams?

In order to practise and prepare myself for the IPL, I will be referring to every six as a DLF Maximum. Just to make things a bit more irritating and interesting.

>> Boring shit, national anthems. Used to know all the words to the Australian one, but in true Aussie spirit, forgot it and learnt Waltzing Matilda instead.

>> Mark Boucher is shivering with memories of the last ODI played between these two sides here. The 438 one. How he'll remember that number for life...

>> HI AUSTRALIA. Funny Haddin's been their best batsman in this ODI series so far. That shows just how shit they've been.

>> Someone get out. But first, I need to get out of my T20 mindset.

>> Consecutive fours. I've never seen anything like it from Australia of late, except when Punter made a mad dash for his 50 last time.

>> For all those people wanting to know about Napoleon Einstein, you'll be interested to note his name is misspelt on the CSK website under their list of players. Sad. I've decided to bold random names throughout this. All for your viewing experience, of course. Aren't I lovely?

>> Bored as hell, bring Albie on.
Also caught something on TV earlier showing the best moments of the IPL. Slightly interesting, mostly shit. I could come up with better players to profile.

>> What the hell is going on with Haddin? He's actually hitting the ball. 20 off 18. Fucking shit.

>> Australia bringing up their 50 in no time. Clarke being an idiot and not getting out.

>> Bring on the DLF Maximum Sixes. I want a real run chase now. Am tempted to reach for a drink, but am restraining myself. Not a good idea, dear. Not with a day like tomorrow to live through.

>> Due to the lack of DLF Maximums, am going to rechristen fours as AMY S. DESTROYERS.

>> WHAT, MORNE?

>> Everyone's favourite, no-balling, gargantuan bowler runs up to Clarke and tries to prove his worth. Pup promptly hits him for an Amy S. Destroyer. SHITHEAD, he cackles, as the ball glides towards the boundary.
Wait a minute, Morne only gave away 5 runs. How the fuck is that possible? WHAT ABOUT HIS BLISTERS?

>> Fat prick's brought on to replace Steyn.

>> More Amy S. Destroyers from Clarke. Haddin seems to be taking a backseat here in the race to 50 runs. Clarke likely to get there first.

>> Seem to be doing well with the cursing today, very PG13+. Some days I can barely get through a sentence without throwing a dozen in.

>> FUUUUUUCK, DLF MAXIMUM AND AN AMY S. DESTROYER! What a combo from Haddin who brings up his 50 before Pup. "Haha, fuck you, bastard" he mutters to his opening partner as he walks down the pitch to be congratulated.

>> This is really fucking great. The stadium's going to be full soon and Australia will have scored 100 within 14 overs. RR 7.35

>> Morne switched souls with Kallis. He is now the containing bowler.

>> Oh fucking hell, Albie hit for an Amy S. Destroyer by Pup. What a bitch. Morne, at the other end, continues to save runs. Goddamn, what is the world coming to?

>> Fuck, Clarke you digusting piece of shit. Just get the fuck out. Also thought I'd mention Morne was the bastard who let that first Amy S. Destroyer through with his shit fielding. Stupid dickhead, this is some sort of payback for the shoes.

>> Why is this happening? Why is Morne bowling well? Why, goddammit?

>> Fuck me. Even ROFL's being hit for Amy S. Destroyers. The Aussies are going to win the Pak series if they remain this confident.

>> Am conflicted by my desire to see T20 style hitting but also to see Albie lord over Pup.

>> HAHAHA, Morne Morkel just bowled a maiden. The world is officially coming to an end. And he is officially coming back into the team.

>> Thought I'd tell some semblance of the truth. On some level, I may actually be glad that Morne's doing well. WAIT FUCK MORNE FUCK YOU, GODDAMN BASTARD, YOU'RE A GENIUS!

>> The grass is suddenly greener. Albie knows how to take a wicket when it matters.

>> Following up on that thought about Morne before Albie interjected so brilliantly, it would have been a shame if Morne had failed spectacularly. The guy can bowl. And well.

>> My plan is unfolding, Albie is hopefully going to bowl to Punter soon and get him the fuck out of here.

>> Albie is already having the intended effect of Punter. Almost tempted him to drive foolishly at the end of the last over. Not too long before heads start rolling, methinks. Albie's the best bowler for the job. Seamer, right-hander, the best chance to get Ponting's wicket, especially early on.

>> Want to join the Barmi Army. Unfortunately, can't.

>> What the fuck, Punter hit an Amy S. Destroyer off Albie.

>> PUP IS OUT. Go Duminy, catching things all the time. ROFL gets Clarke to make a stupid shot.

>> The Echidna walks out to face Albie. Who to back? Oh, Ferguson hits an Amy S. Destroyer. Don't mind, because he's still a pretty darn great player.

>> Good man, Echidna. Save your team. Be a star. Hit Albie for a DLF Maximum.

>> Apparently Ntini can get through to Ponting sooner than Albie can. Fucking shitheads.

>> Go Ferguson. You hit that rapist for as many Amy S. Destroyers as you can. Top job.

>> Duminy comes in for the spin show. Wicket likely to follow.

>> Just realised I have about half the innings to go. Christ. I need to be waking up in about 4 hours to go look at some bloody cows and fill in for someone.

>> The Echidna is making Ntini pay for his sins. Wonder what AB's thinking. Pleased to discover AB hasn't played an important role in the proceedings today and attempted to have the spotlight shine solely on him and his wondrous positivity.

>> Damn, I'd love to watch this run chase.

>> THE ECHIDNA IS OUT ON 41. AB took the fucking catch. Couldn't let him have his little bit of glory with a half century now, could we? Anyway, Mike's in, so Australia are effectively 193/4 with him.

>> Damn. Floodlights.

>> New ball + Steyn. Let's see him work some wonders, and follow in Steve Irwin's footsteps.

>> I'm really surprised Mike has survived 16 balls.

>> WTF a DLF Maximum Six from Punter. Off Duminy. Crazy shit, and next ball, HE'S OUT. Take that, Ponting, JP's a real off spinner. Seeing as ordinary spinners are the bane of Australia's existence... Out on 40, no 50 for you.

>> Oh, Dave. Just get out, why don't you. Sad effort, you just gave a part-time bowler another wicket. And your brother still isn't out yet.

>> Duminy just gave away 4 runs in wides. Is Hopes the final hope of Australia? hehe. Sad thing is, he's not because Mitch is going to come out and try his hand at batting as well.

>> Sorry, wandered off there. AB shows off his awesome sk1llz and runs out poor Hopes. Okay, I'll admit it was a good run out. He always orchestrates good run outs, damn it.

>> Johnson OUT. HAHA, this is the sound of me laughing. Jolly good. I'll say! More English phrases! Etc. Caught and bowled Duminy, good stuff from his today. That's three wickets.
Anyway, Australia are fucked from here on in. I can finally get some sleep.

>> The sooner SA bowl these fuckers out, the sooner I can catch up on much-needed rest. I will miss the SA innings, including Albie's ton, but I am sure I'll manage.

>> Confused. Why is Hauritz still there? Moreover, why is Hussey still there?

>> Australia forced to take their powerplay for the last 5 overs. Useless.

>> Someone kill me. Mike and Hauritz are excruciating to watch. Luckily, ALBIE'S BACK. Oh shit no, it's Morne. I'm seeing things.

>> Fuck. Huss hits an Amy S. Destroyer off Morne. Shit delivery in the first place, it deserved to be hit for a boundary.

>> Just gonna sit out these last few overs. Or not.

>> Steyn drops a catch off Morne. Blah blah. Stupid.

>> Oh, last over, and Hauritz HITS A DLF MAXIMUM! That's like it, bringing up the 300 mark. The saffas are going to have to avoid brain explosions and try not to let old habits of choking creep back on them if they're gonna win this one and rub it deep in the Aussies' faces.

>> It's finally over. Never thought this would happen. Time to run off for 2 hours sleep.

Australia 303/7 after 50 overs.
South Africa 304 required to win and kick their pansy asses.

Join the party

Tonight, 10:30 - for me, anyway. I will be on for the 5th ODI between Australia and South Africa, or for as much of it as I can stand. It will be fun, we will have fun. So stop by.

Join the party and help me cheer on Australia in the final match in this series. If you know what's wrong with that last sentence, you know me too well.

Alright. That's it.

Stuart Clark out, Laughlin in

Contrary to our predictions, Stuart Clark has been left out of the 5th ODI at Jo-burg, and Ben Laughlin has been recalled for the match. On the subject of this decision, Ricky Ponting said:

"We feel with Ben Laughlin being in our squad for Dubai as well as Stuart Clark, this would be a good opportunity for Ben to have another good solid hit-out. Stuart has been here for a few days and he has got a bit of bowling under his belt. But we have decided to go with Ben ahead of him for this game."

Okay then.

The teams:
South Africa 1 Graeme Smith (capt), 2 Herschelle Gibbs, 3 Jacques Kallis, 4 AB de Villiers, 5 JP Duminy, 6 Roelof van der Merwe, 7 Mark Boucher (wk), 8 Albie Morkel, 9 Morne Morkel, 10 Dale Steyn, 11 Makhaya Ntini.

Australia 1 Brad Haddin (wk), 2 Michael Clarke, 3 Ricky Ponting (capt), 4 David Hussey, 5 Michael Hussey, 6 Callum Ferguson, 7 James Hopes, 8 Mitchell Johnson, 9 Nathan Hauritz, 10 Nathan Bracken, 11 Ben Laughlin.

Wonder if Morne's gotten his shoes back yet.

Morne's shoes stolen

It's true to an extent. It's also the funniest thing I've heard in a while.

Morne Morkel's shoes were "stolen" or rather, misplaced, from the team's hotel Fourways. Morne was busy preparing for the last ODI at Wanderers and had left his equipment bag in the hotel lobby. According to him

“One moment my bag was still in the hotel lobby and the next it was nowhere to be found. One of the hotel workers had been spotted with it and somehow it landed on the same bus as the baggage for the Deccan Chargers.”

The hotel worker reportedly bore a remarkable resemblance to Albie Morkel.

The bag contained three pairs of Puma shoes, all of Morne's batting equipment, and his one-day uniform. It was found in Cape Town late Thursday afternoon and should arrive back to Morne Friday morning. Meanwhile, Morne has had to train in Ntini's shoes, but that's a bit of a problem because Morne descends from a family of ogres and has Size 12 shoes. Ntini has Size 10 shoes.

Poor Morne.

“My feet are full of blisters and it’s been a struggle walking."

HAHAHA, who am I kidding? This is hilarious.

I also just got a phone call from someone who spent 5 minutes laughing hysterically down the line, not saying a single word. You can bet who that was.

"So. Stressed. Small. Shoes."

Albie's threat returns

His plan to keep him out of the Test side in the last match worked, albeit with a little assistance from a hypnotist. But Albie can keep Morne out of the team no longer, because Johan Botha's a bloody pie chucker.

South Africa have replaced Johan Botha and Wayne Parnell with Morne Morkel and Makhaya Ntini for the last ODI. The first makes sense, Parnell also makes sense. Time to give the kid a break, especially after that last match. This final ODI doesn't even matter at all, in any case. Graeme Smith still wants to win it, just to rub it in the Aussies' faces:

"If we can make it 8-2 over the summer that would be a pretty clearcut victory."

More clearcut than 7-3.

He also cites "taking the focus off him" as the reason for disclusing Botha from the side. THE FOCUS OFF HIS ELBOW. But then he slips up a little and reveals a little too much about team sentiment:

"Johan has been an integral part of the side, but there is still a very good spirit in the team. It's the same as with Herschelle [Gibbs]. He integrated back into the team very well."

Wonder if that's referring to Herschelle's failed match-fixing attempts or his alcohol problem.

"I is back to bowl more no balls!"

Still bad news for best friend Vaughn, however. He's not in the side, even for this most deadrubber of deadrubber matches. Someone give the kid a go.