Chucky

I'm not talking about Doug Bollinger here, but apparently someone over at Page 2 on Cricinfo thinks AB de Villiers would make a good Chucky.

First of all, what? Second of all, I don't exactly agree but the description is funny as hell:

AB de Villiers may not have the crazy eyes of the doll (part of a series called Good Guys) from Child's Play, but any casting director worth his salt can see how well the South African batsman with the choirboy looks would make a bone-chilling slasher by night, to go with his batsman-slaughterer persona by day. In the twilight hours, de Villiers changes his cricket whites for bloody overalls and pulls out a knife concealed in his bat handle, before going on a killing spree, targeting music critics who've been less than kind to his singing career. Yeah, AB, show them who you (really) are.

There is absolutely nothing better than taking the piss out of die AB's song.

Still, I can think of a dozen better cricketers to be perfect players by day and serial killers at night. The one that springs to mind first is Sybrand Engelbrecht. In fact, I do believe I had detailed this secret part of his life in a previous post of mine. The Ghost of the Knight, that's what he is.

The rest of the article gets a lot wrong, but points for trying. Any valiant movie watcher who combines that knowledge with cricket could come up with a better list. Yes, valiant.

Tait's an Australian A man

If you were top tier material and were dropped from the national team only to find yourself on the A team, would you be pissed off? Could you even bear a grudge when the selectors somehow end up looking like the good guys in all this?

These are all questions Shaun Tait will be asking himself, after being selected for the Australia A squad to play Pakistan A in Brisbane these coming months.

That's not the biggest news, however, because Andrew Symonds has been left out of the squad. So has Brad Hodge, but it's Roy where the real worries lie. Cricket Australia are looking to punish him badly, so much so that he can't even make the A team. What the fuck is going on here? Are they being entirely serious, because that's just bullshit. Hilditch serves up some valid points on how they're going with a young squad:

"The selection recognises the performances of these young talented players in the domestic season last year whilst concentrating on those players we have identified as having the ability to play a significant role in the development of Australian cricket in the future."

But where does all this leave Symonds? What exactly do they expect to get out of him?

Cameron White's captaining the team for both the four-day and limited overs matches, while Ryan Broad, Michael Klinger and Blues man Burt Cockley (walking around with an awesome name like that and taking wickets for NSW, good man) are only in for the two four-day matches. Other limited overs specialists or thereabouts will be coming in for the other matches, being Dave Warner, Tait, and Moises Henriques, who's a bit of a nothing.

You'll be amused to know that Adam Voges is in the squad as vice-captain. I guess CA couldn't pretend he didn't exist any longer.

And now, I'm not sure whether I should laugh or be appalled at the fact that Shaun Tait has only been included in the squad "subject to fitness" especially after it's been declared he is. The selectors sure love fucking with his mind.

George Bailey, recently appointed Tassie captain after one of their greats stood down, also makes the cut. He's the designated ray of sunshine for the team.

Even better, Dougie's there, raring to go. Making the Ashes squad was always going to be a tough ask of both him and the selectors. Other big names include Shaun Marsh (subject to fitness, of course) and the Echidna. Awesome, you say? I agree. Jason Krejza is also hoping to spin his hair off for the A team.

The squad: Cameron White (capt) Adam Voges, George Bailey, Doug Bollinger, Ryan Broad, Burt Cockley, Callum Ferguson, Brett Geeves, Moises Henriques, Jon Holland, Michael Klinger, Jason Krejza, Shaun Marsh, Clint McKay, Tim Paine, Shaun Tait, David Warner

Honk if you'd marry him.

Winning bets for Australia

They were always going to chase that 198 or whatever it was. I don't have much emotion invested in this series at all, just a bit of money from a foolish bet made while completely pissed. So it's a bit of a relief that they actually won.

A long while ago I told Q Australia would win. He said it would be Pakistan. And really, it could have been Pakistan, if it weren't for Roy, Pup and Doug doing a lot of the work after that first failed ODI.

Apparently Evil Doug is from the Baulkham Hills area in Sydney. And even Toongabbie. That's a bit like saying you're from the East End of London. No wonder he is so secretly evil.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA."

Winning the Pakistan series

Pakistan are currently 197/9 in the 48th over. Evil Dougie just got Shoaib Akhtar's wicket.

Fuck, people could get there in a good T20 innings.

So I'm predicting an Australian win, and therefore a series win, but I wouldn't know, because I'm heading off now.

I think that at the start of this series I said I was backing Australia, getting the Aussie spirit back into the game, but these wins have still felt off. Anyway, I'm winning a bet with someone if the Aussies pull through, so fingers crossed they don't collapse extraordinarily in their innings.

And Dougie just got Ajmal out too. Wow.

Roy you bloody beauty

And Michael Clarke has gone from being one of Australia's best players of spin to being absolutely terrible.

Australia won, I can now stop hanging my head in shame. Symonds got 2-12, picking up 2 wickets in one over, and came back later to put on a measured 58 run stand. Australia are glad to have him back.

Hopes was also great in the batting department, scoring 48 when it was needed most.

Evil Doug even managed to suffocate Pakistan, only going for 26 in his 10 overs.

Sing 'Winner' to the tune of 'Thriller'

Bollinger's evil plan

My evil 6 month plan - by Doug:
1. Celebrate a full head of hair.
2. Get onto South African side and break Binga's foot.
3. Thank Advanced Hair Studios for non-surgical skin grafts and hair.
4. Celebrate 9 month anniversary of new nickname "Hairy Eagle".
5. Sneak into operating theatre to operate on Binga's foot.
6. Program ankle to not pass medical tests close to Pak series.
7. Drink Bollinger champagne and wait for phone call from selectors.
8. Get phone call from selectors telling me I'm off to UAE.
9. Call Binga and sympathise for a bit, then call everyone else and gloat.
10. Admire hair in mirror.