The Beginning of Shoaib's Genital Woes

You were all trying to forget about it, I know. But an interesting revelation threatens to reveal all about the origin of Shoaib Akhtar's genital warts.

Pause for puke. And then onward:

Don't tell me you didn't notice it too.

The end.

Replacing the Genital Warts Dude

I will try to say as little of this as possible so you can keep down your dinner, but Rao Iftikhar has been selected to replace Shoaib Akhtar in Pakistan's World T20 squad.

In other better news, Albie is now up to 4% in the poll, in equal 5th place or so. He trails AB de Villiers by 41%. Out of a possible 800 people, 32 have voted for Albie. I think we can get there, I really can. Just vote for him. Don't you want to make my dreams come true? I could just stop writing altogether and you'd cry yourself to sleep mourning why you didn't vote for Albie when you had the chance.

A lot is at stake here, including Albie's pride, and therefore my own.

Islamabad Leopards won't sleep with Shoaib

Apparently the domestic Pakistan team Shoaib Akhtar plays for, the Islamabad Leopards, are willing to have him in their ranks despite his dirty diseased body parts. They also have the least slutty players in the whole world, minus the man himself, so they're more than willing to take him on with minimal risk.

In the domestic Twenty20 cup, Shoaib will captain for his team, having recovered from the intense embarrassment that is having your genital warts called out on by the Pakistan Cricket Board. Too good, really. But also disturbing. More disturbing than funny.

"He (Akhtar) has told us that he is fit so we have no reason to drop him," Islamabad Cricket Association president Shakil Shaikh told the Associated Press. "It's the basic fundamental right of the player that if he says he is fit you can't stop him from playing."

So there ya go. Either everyone in that team already has herpes, or they're naturally immune to it through some freak occurrence of nature.

The Semifinals Arrive

I am officially back in Sydney, friends, and therefore available to watch the semifinals and finals of the IPL at my leisure.

So the semis are here. Finally. Over the past week, I've been feeling rather disillusioned by the tournament, as though the finals just won't arrive. And now they have, so it's time to gently guide yourself into caring slightly about the games, or do nothing if you'd already been frenetic in a state of overwhelming excitement. As it is, I'm one of the first, so it's taking a little something to make myself want to watch the first match between Delhi and Deccan. Especially when I dread the possibility a certain player will do his usual stuff and singlehandedly win the match for his team.

To be honest, Delhi are favourites to win this year's title. The only way that won't happen is if in the final, they fuck up big time and have one huge brain explosion which gives the opposing team the edge. If DD play consistently and to their strengths, they should be able to win the tournament easily enough.

The old bloke on the team they haven't played yet in favour of Dirk Nannes reckons he might be out of it next year. A bit disappointing, seeing as he could easily have been one of their best performers, but for once, there's a team in the IPL that's struggling to get all their best players in as much as Delhi are. I'm pretty sure no other team has a man like Glenn McGrath on the sidelines because the other players are so talented. Says Glenn:

"I have asked a couple of people about why I was not being played, and I get the sense that they were worried about my fitness. I feel fitter than I did last year, but I guess I will not get a chance to prove that now."

His fitness, hey? He also says he "would not bet on returning" next year.

I'm also very cleverly refusing to comment on a certain revelation involving Shoaib Akhtar and his busy dick. I cannot bring myself to even contemplate doing so, it's just that bad. Although I did say in an earlier post sometime that it was groin problem. But will you just look at the manwhore walked around with his herpes? Pakistan shouldn't have said anything about it and just let half the world's cricketers get infected during the ICC World T20. Because you know they would.

Skin Problems of the Groin Kind

It will either cause you to puke or laugh, depending on your sense of humour:

"I have skin problems in the groin... a doctor advised me a week's rest, so I will miss the conditioning camp starting from Thursday."

What the fuck, oh god, save me from Shoaib Akhtar and other such disturbing personal information about him.

Skin problems of the groin. WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATKILLMENOW.

Winning the Pakistan series

Pakistan are currently 197/9 in the 48th over. Evil Dougie just got Shoaib Akhtar's wicket.

Fuck, people could get there in a good T20 innings.

So I'm predicting an Australian win, and therefore a series win, but I wouldn't know, because I'm heading off now.

I think that at the start of this series I said I was backing Australia, getting the Aussie spirit back into the game, but these wins have still felt off. Anyway, I'm winning a bet with someone if the Aussies pull through, so fingers crossed they don't collapse extraordinarily in their innings.

And Dougie just got Ajmal out too. Wow.

The IPL is about begin

The opening ceremony is probably on about now but yeah, can't watch it. It's not being broadcast here. The games, however, are.

Watch Chennai beat the crap out of Mumbai, and watch KP in action. Oh, the excitement. The chance to see KP fail spectacularly is creating an atmosphere laden with tension and excitement. Still, it would be far less funny if Jacques Kallis played well. That would just ruin the night.

If you're going to be watching the IPL alone, DON'T. Who will you laugh with when KP is bowled for a duck? So chain anyone to a seat and watch the games with them. It's not even a real match so you won't feel the pressure of your side losing. You'll just be happy. Drinks all round!

That's another thing. Down a shot for every DLF Maximum Albie hits, and every wicket Freddie gets. A shot for every sledge the cameras pick up. A shot for every funny face Shoaib Akhtar makes. Too bad he won't be playing.

And, of course, down the whole bottle when KP gets out. Good times.

I might have to officially write up a Drinking Game for the IPL. Who knows, I'll trial it tonight and bring word of its success tomorrow.

WTF of the week: Pakistan out of IPL

Some bullshit bureaucracy is at work here. That, and some plain idiocy. Webster defines 'idiocy' as 'extreme mental retardation'. I couldn't agree more.

After the Pakistani players were banned from travelling to India in the wake of the Mumbai terrorist attacks, the IPL terminated their contracts in February this year after the required period of acquiring the No Objection Certificate from Pakistan's cricket board expired.

Here's the kicker: Apparently the Pak players weren't even told their contracts had been terminated. They received no official notification from the IPL franchises, despite being entirely willing to sort out the matter. Salman Ahmed has said:

"We are even willing to travel to South Africa and sort out this matter with the IPL franchises."

The Pakistan players still want to be involved in the IPL, and why wouldn't they? But they received no written notice that their contracts had been terminated.

"It is in their contracts that a notice will be served before any such termination or suspension, but in this case nothing as such is indicated with any of the players."

Now that the IPL has been relocated to South Africa, there's nothing preventing the players from participating in it once more. Except for the fact they're no longer contracted by any IPL franchises.

Lalit Modi has told the Pakistani players that it is not possible to include them in this year's IPL because the franchises have already secured replacement players in February. But the IPL is going to attempt to liaise with the franchises to resolve this problem, Ahmed has been told.

And it should be, because if these players don't play, the IPL is going to be missing out on valuable contributions from players such as Salman Butt, Shoaib Akhtar, Umar Gul and Sohail Tanvir.

Shoaib Akhtar invites you to play in Pakistan

Yes he does. Not only that, but he thinks that if Pakistan beat Australia, teams will suddenly want to play matches against Pakistan in Pakistan.

What?

I don't know how winning and security fears suddenly vanishing are related to each other. If Pakistan win, they win, and Australia continues to refuse to play in Pakistan. They're already the team in the world that has been avoiding travelling to Pakistan more than any other. In fact, if Australia lose against Pakistan, they'll say "Fuck it" and invent all sorts of reasons not to play against them. I'm baffled as to how Shoaib Akhtar thinks winning against Australia will be the miracle cure for Pakistan's isolation.

"If we beat Australia we can send a strong message that we are a good side and they should come (to Pakistan) and play against us more often. This coming series is a good opportunity for us to beat a strong team like Australia, which may help us in inviting strong teams to Pakistan and take our country out of isolation."

No, actually, it won't help you in inviting teams to Pakistan. That's a completely separate issue altogether.

He also commented on his highly dubious "fitness" of late:

"Nobody can give a guarantee of fitness in international matches, but I have come into the side after passing a fitness test. I want to bowl my full quota of ten overs and enjoy fielding."

Yeah, well, it remains to be seen whether he's capable of bowling 10 overs, but I'm sure Pakistan will have him fielding in the most discreet position possible.

"You better fucking come to Pakistan."

Fitter than Shoaib Akhtar

I'm interested in Samit Patel and his "fitness issues". I'm also interested, then, in the obvious differentiation between England's fitness tests and Pakistan's fitness tests. Because if Shoaib Akhtar is able to make the Pakistan team, then surely Samit Patel should make the England team? If you'll note, Pakistan is ranked higher than England as a team. So theoretically, England should be more desperate than Pakistan to retain any vaguely talented players. Theoretically.

There is also the fact to consider that the ECB's main objective is to pretend they are still a major force in the cricketing nations. A threat, perhaps. Sadly, that is not so much the case now, unless of course they are playing against Bangladesh or the Netherlands, and even that isn't set in stone. So if the ECB is able to exclude players from matches based on tougher-than-Pakistan fitness tests, they succeed in pretending they take this game very seriously and have a wealth of players at their disposal should one fail a fitness test.

In any case, the best thing for Patel is to shed a few kilos and increase his stamina or whatnot. He's been picked for the T20 side, but it remains to be seen whether he makes the final XI. Getting fit shouldn't be too hard. After all, if Ian Blackwell can do it, so can he.

"Support my weight, goddammit!"

Interestingly, Pakistan's coach said this about Akhtar's fitness test:

"Akhtar has passed a tough fitness test and if he stays fit, it will be good sign for Pakistan."

If Pakistan's fitness test is tough, I shudder to think of Australia's, or indeed, England's.

Getting my Irish on with Shoaib Akhtar

There once was a man named Shoaib Akhtar,
Who played cricket better than Jimi played the guitar.
But he was kind of a druggie,
And he'd tried more than once to mug me,
Yet he's gonna play the Aussies in a land close to Qatar.