KP isn't very good at T20

The boy has a sense of humour. Speaking to The Mirror, he had a little to say about his T20 performances:

"I'm not very good at Twenty20 cricket, am I?"

"Funny chap," hordes of Englishmen chuckle over their morning paper. That's more like it, an English cricketer not believing he can play well. This is what the fans want.

I'm just glad I didn't have to actually listen to KP as he said this or I might not find it quite so funny. Whenever he talks, something inside me dies and I find myself squirming at the sound of his voice.

But KP is about to show even more of his comedian side when talking about the IPL:

"I made a great captain didn't I? We won two out of six when I was there and then Anil Kumble took over and they got to the final."

A failure as captain, the fans will love that even more.

He's not very good at T20, is he?

Ricky Talks Ashes Line-Ups

He's being a bit of a bitch to Australia's lesser bowlers, but Ricky's got a point and it seems to be the right one. The World T20 won't have any impact on who gets picked for the first Test in Cardiff. From the training camp in Queensland, he surfaced to bring us this news:

"I don't think you can really take much out of form in Twenty20 cricket when you're looking at Test matches. We've got two tour games to play before the first Test and I think, to tell the truth, that will be our best chance to get a look at the likelihood of some of those guys playing in the first Test match."

Brett Lee is a little disappointed after his stint in the IPL. He did, after all, think he was a shoo-in for frontline bowler during the first Test, or at least I said so. No doubt if it comes to it, the selectors will end up picking him over Hilfy because they're just like that, but whether he can upstage Johnson, Clark or Siddle is a little unclear at the moment.

Also from the same magical training camp on the Sunshine Coast (doesn't that just make it sound more like a holiday?), Michael Clarke tells us how Lara won't be distracting him during the tour:

"Having my partner on tour is definitely not a distraction."

Sure. If I weren't such a bitch, I'd post a gratuitous Lara Bingle shot here, but then again I am a bitch so I won't. Oh alright, maybe I'm not that big of a bitch:



At least it takes the piss out of the highly "outrageous" tourism ad that screened in the UK. So very outrageous it was for the tea-drinkers:



Indeed. Where the bloody hell are you?

England doing something very strange

I believe it's called winning. Sure, it's against the West Indies, but they're still winning.

What is the magic formula? Why this great form going into a rather important series?

I'm very interested. I think I might even like it if England were supremely confident ahead of the Ashes. But there's always the T20 thing between now and then to shake things up a little and perhaps disturb morale within the team.

It's even more strange because Stuart Broad recently came out with some comments about England needing to learn to fill Flintoff's shoes when he wasn't there, because he isn't a lot of the time. You wouldn't have thought a 9 year old could be so wise, but it's true. He talked some sense, people. He said what every blogger has been thinking, though not the ECB.

And so Andrew Strauss isn't going to be playing in the domestic T20 Cup either. He's really gearing up for the Ashes. Confidence in the English team is probably soaring.

I like it.

Replacing the Genital Warts Dude

I will try to say as little of this as possible so you can keep down your dinner, but Rao Iftikhar has been selected to replace Shoaib Akhtar in Pakistan's World T20 squad.

In other better news, Albie is now up to 4% in the poll, in equal 5th place or so. He trails AB de Villiers by 41%. Out of a possible 800 people, 32 have voted for Albie. I think we can get there, I really can. Just vote for him. Don't you want to make my dreams come true? I could just stop writing altogether and you'd cry yourself to sleep mourning why you didn't vote for Albie when you had the chance.

A lot is at stake here, including Albie's pride, and therefore my own.

How the Black Caps will make the semis... again

After their semifinal loss in the 2007 ICC World T20, New Zealand might just sneak through again, in a piece of news certain to similarly put a smile on the faces of Sri Lankans, Pakistanis and Bangladeshis all over the world.

If all these teams beat their opponents in the initial two matches during the qualifying round, they'll find themselves placed in two oddly imbalanced groups for the super eights stage of the tournament. It's hilarious, it really is.

Group A: South Africa, Australia, India, England
Group B: Bangladesh, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, New Zealand

That is, of course, assuming all these teams beat any unseeded teams in the qualifying round. However, should this be the result, the semifinals of the competition will be most amusing to watch.

Based on those groupings, Sri Lanka has an excellent chance of making the semis, and perhaps New Zealand could steal the other spot. Pakistan will be the main competition anyway. But if you glance at Group A, there's sure to be a power struggle between India, Australia and South Africa, all very capable and strong teams.

This is one reason to look forward to the tournament. Imagine the possibilities of the final four. It's too good to be true. Almost a farce, really.

Islamabad Leopards won't sleep with Shoaib

Apparently the domestic Pakistan team Shoaib Akhtar plays for, the Islamabad Leopards, are willing to have him in their ranks despite his dirty diseased body parts. They also have the least slutty players in the whole world, minus the man himself, so they're more than willing to take him on with minimal risk.

In the domestic Twenty20 cup, Shoaib will captain for his team, having recovered from the intense embarrassment that is having your genital warts called out on by the Pakistan Cricket Board. Too good, really. But also disturbing. More disturbing than funny.

"He (Akhtar) has told us that he is fit so we have no reason to drop him," Islamabad Cricket Association president Shakil Shaikh told the Associated Press. "It's the basic fundamental right of the player that if he says he is fit you can't stop him from playing."

So there ya go. Either everyone in that team already has herpes, or they're naturally immune to it through some freak occurrence of nature.

Watson for Ashes?

Yes is the answer. Breathe a sigh of relief.

"Scans have confirmed a minor right groin injury to Shane and we expect him to be fit to play in (next month's) ICC World Twenty20."

"He'll be monitored over the coming weeks and is expected to be available for consideration for Ashes selection."

Not that he'll make it through the World T20 anyway.

LOL

Sickness Affects All

Even England, even the West Indies. On the one hand, they actually did a hell of a job to get 7 wickets on the first day, but on the other hand, hello dropped catches.

Amusing. Ravi Bopara is the only one avoiding all this sickness. His century is what did it for England. Looks like that No. 3 spot isn't going to be going to any of the oldies anytime soon. I'm really liking Bopara as well, but I suppose that's more so because of his maiden test century in Barbados.

John Buchanan also has the sickness. It's spreading fast. He wants Gilly or Warnie heading the T20 World Cup team. For fuck's sake, leave them be. They're retired and I think they're pretty damn okay with that. In any case, I don't know why he's offering his own advice anyway, considering how big a failure he has made of the Knight Riders.

But unfortunately, the most sick person of all is me. In the past 24 hours, I seem to have come down with the mother of all colds, leading me to believe it is perhaps the flu. And not the swine flu, although I wouldn't be surprised this is some sort of karmic payback for making that swine flu joke last night when I sneezed.

So if I'm mysteriously absent or just plain crazy, fear not. I'm just in my own personal hell. My eyes are welling up with tears right now, but not because I'm sad. Instead it's the darn sickness making my eyes water like crazy. Or maybe it's Graham Onions hiding in my house.

Australian T20 Squad

Seeing as I am Australian and should therefore care:

Squad: Ricky Ponting (captain), Michael Clarke, Nathan Bracken, Brad Haddin, Nathan Hauritz, Ben Hilfenhaus, James Hopes, David Hussey, Mike Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Brett Lee, Peter Siddle, Andrew Symonds, David Warner, Shane Watson

Something tells me that if Mike Hussey doesn't step up and perform like the old Mike in the coming months, the selectors won't be so quick to put all their faith behind him. As much as I love the guy, there's no denying that he would have been rested rather permanently if he were in another country.

Here's hoping he gets his mojo back. If he doesn't, well, it will be a rather sorry situation, especially considering the players Australia could have chosen who'd be more likely to perform. I'm mostly thinking of one name here, the same one that Mark Nicholas has recently begun to admire and talk of his "genuine pace" with a feverishly excited voice.

It's off to the Netherlands for Dirk Nannes, and to the field for Mike. Pressure? What pressure? There's no pressure whatsoever.

Also, Brett Lee's back and so is Shane Watson. Not sure about the first, but a yes to the second. I'm sure Shane will survive the next few months without an injury.

But will you just look at our spinning hopes? And that is not a pun, I'm being serious. I miss Warnie.

"Must escape the babies."

Jacques is a T20 Player

All the T20 squads are out, and it's pretty much what's you expect.

Except for South Africa. Forget having Johan Botha there, there is apparently the need for a fat bastard who can't bowl T20 and shouldn't be able to bat in it either. What is the world coming to when you pick an old potato over an up-and-coming player, any up-and-coming player. I'm sure they have plenty to choose from in their domestic league.

But no, Jacques Kallis' extraordinarily strange strike rate of over 100 in the last match seems to have saved him. When he gets hit around the park during the tournament, then we'll see who has the last laugh.

Me.

Collingwood for captain

The English World T20 squad has been announced, and Colly's heading it. If you thought Rob Key, you thought wrong. He's in the squad of course, and so is James Foster as wicketkeeper, but he's just not captain.

England are finally giving their poached Irishman Eoin Morgan a game.

Napier's on the list.

And apparently Samit Patel is still too fat for cricket. Good days.

The squad: Paul Collingwood (capt), James Anderson, Ravi Bopara, Stuart Broad, Andrew Flintoff, James Foster, Robert Key, Dimitri Mascarenhas, Eoin Morgan, Graham Napier, Kevin Pietersen, Owais Shah, Ryan Sidebottom, Graeme Swann, Luke Wright

P20 Jokes

Come on, you can do it.

"I'd pee on P20 before I deigned to watch it."
"K-Pee might do well in the P20."
"Piss off P20."

That last one would only work if you had an Italian accent. Oh, whatever. I don't really care anyway.

But it's a riot. Just how much T20 does England want to play? They're setting the event in June from 2010 in the hopes that the best foreign players from around the world will be available for the tournament.

England are reportedly looking to rob major banks in order to finance all these contracts for foreign players.

Giles Clark is all cheery about it:

"I'm sure it will be another exciting development in the domestic cricket season."

Or is he?

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

Mount Everest Match

It went ahead on Tuesday and they played the full T20 match at Gorakshep in Nepal.

Apparently Team Hillary beat Team Tenzing. Good stuff.

Confusing ODIs and T20s

There is something wrong with me. Everytime I watch an ODI match, about 10 overs into the match, my mind flips out because apparently we're halfway through the innings. It happens every time. The only thing I could possibly blame is Twenty20.

Damn you, T20, for making ODIs less interesting! Damn you for tricking me into thinking teams should have scored at least 70 runs by the 10th over! Damn you to hell, you cunning bastard!

Of course, as soon as that moment of confusion disappears, I'm back into the game, cheering a team on. ODIs can be fun.

Flintoff and the crystal ball

Freddie reckons it's time to overcome his injury-prone body and play some cricket:

"I have missed so much cricket through injury that I don't want to miss any more."

I agree. But I also agree that the only way he will get through the IPL, Test & ODI matches against the Windies, the mammoth Ashes tour, and the World T20, is if he achieves a state of nirvana right about now. As the title of this post suggests, you don't need a crystal ball to wager that somewhere throughout this, he's going to get injured. Maybe the hip injury will fire up again, or it'll be a multitude of other problems.

I placed $50 on http://www.flintoffsinjuries.com/ betting that he'd go down at some stage throughout all this. But what can Freddie do about it, anyway? He's hot property in the game at the moment and he'll want to be getting the most out of his $1.55 million IPL contract.

"I've not played a lot of Twenty20 cricket and I'd like to play more. I'm not saying the money is not very appealing, but there's a lot more to it."

I think English players may be the only ones who still start sentences with "I've not". It's great. I want to see a return to the old British English.

"Ay'm me country's professional larrikin."

Well, see, that isn't it, but that photo warranted nothing else.

Sybrand Engelbrecht Beats Shane Warne

I'm excited. My best friend has flexed his ambidextrous powers to aid his team to a crushing 28 run defeat of the Rajasthan Royals.

In yesterday's IPL "Clash of the Champions", between SA's leading T20 team, the Cape Cobras, and last year's IPL champions, the Rajasthan Royals, Sybrand stepped up to the plate and delivered in both his batting and bowling. What a superstar, seriously. Shane Warne was scared out of his wits by this ambidextrous saffa with terrifyingly blonde hair.

The Cape Cobras hit 142/8, batting first, and Sybrand top scored, hitting 36 off 22 balls, Albie-style. But he wasn't done there, oh no he wasn't. Because when the Royals came into bat, Sybrand opened the bowling, tricking the opposition by quickly switching the ball from one hand to the other in his run-up. He didn't break any laws, however, because after switching 5 times, he eventually bowled with the arm he had specified to the umpire. What a clever boy. If I were ambidextrous, I would do the same.

The Cape Cobras captain, Justin Ontong, spoke of his deliciously cunning plan to trick the opposition by having Sybrand open the bowling:

"We opened the bowling with an off-spinner Sybrand (Engelbrecht) just to provide a different approach and try to confuse the opposition."

What a dastardly game plan, making use of the team mutant. I like it.

Sybrand should have also gotten the MoM award, but his slightly less evil team mate Rory Kleinveldt picked up 4/22 and also hit 23 runs. The MoM award was actually a car, the Mahindra Xylo, and it went to Kleinveldt. But the bastard who stole Sybrand's prize doesn't even have a goddamn driver's license. How comical. Instead, the team decided they'd sell the car and split the profits. How business-like.

As a side note, I have discovered a news article about the game which completely excludes Sybrand from it. Not only that, but it replaces Sybrand's achievements by accrediting them to someone else, a player named Richard Levi. That's just really creepy.

"Identity theft? Richard Levi, this is my manic face. I'm coming to get you."

Buchanan: "The Art of War by Sun Tzu written to describe T20"

Yes, he actually said that. No, he wasn't on drugs. Although, what a crack thing to say. Sometimes I feel a little sorry for John Buchanan. He's played a major role in the success of Australia's cricket team, yet people always seem ready to disregard his contributions and efforts. Hi, Shane Warne.

There's an interview with Buchanan up at The Times website and it's actually quite interesting. Aside from the usual journalist bullshit of describing how firm his handshake is, it's actually quite a decent read. In it, he explains his "multiple-captain theory":

“My four-captain policy has been misinterpreted by most people and I would just like to clarify it. Basically I will not select a squad captain but will select a captain for each match."

That makes a little more sense, but it still doesn't seem any better an idea than before. Having many heads poking into the thinking process can be described as beneficial, but there's also a load of negative effects that then come into play if everyone thinks they're captain.

It's alright, though, because we soon discover this isn't Buchanan talking. He's been possessed by a mysterious man who could possibly be behind a number of ancient Chinese Proverbs, Sun Tzu:

“My favourite book of all time is The Art of War by the Chinese military genius Sun Tzu, written some 5000 years ago. I think this book was written to describe Twenty 20 cricket."

Creepy.

Buchanan also reveals what a sick bastard he is, telling us about what he made the Australian cricketers endure after their 2005 Ashes loss:

“When we lost the Ashes (2005) over there I made the players watch the England celebrations and from that moment our preparations for the next Ashes were born.”

Never mind this motivated the team to cleansweep the next Ashes series, but that is psychological torture.

"They perform better in training when I stand alongside them with a handful of cricket balls, telling them about their lack of balls."

Strauss reckons he's shit

Not in those words exactly, but that's the general gist of it. England's second favourite captain (no prizes for guessing who the first is) is quite emphatic when he says he doesn't wish to play in the World Twenty20 tournament. Well, not "wish to" because of course he'd play for his country if they wanted him to, but Andrew is so darn selfless he urged the ECB to forego him:

"I believe quite strongly that I'm not in the best 11 Twenty20 players in the country and therefore it would be wrong to captain the side. I said I felt it was right they look for someone else to lead the side and the selectors felt very similarly so it was very much a mutual thing."

"The selectors felt very similarly". That almost sounds embarrassing. In fact, the first things that come to mind are a dozen different embarrassing scenarios in which Strauss talks to the ECB about opting to stay out of the team:

Strauss: I've had a long, hard think about this, and I've made up my mind.

Member of ECB: Do go on! Meanwhile, I will smoke on my pipe.

Strauss: This is my final decision. Nothing anyone says can make me change my mind. I know it may hurt the England team but it's for the best.

Member of ECB: Poppycock!

Strauss: ...

Member of ECB: Sorry, I was just practising my English mannerisms.

Strauss: Anyway, I've considered all the possibilities and I know this will diappoint many people, least of all you, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice for the good of England.

Member of ECB: Bonkers!

Strauss: So I've decided I can't captain the team for the T20 World Cup. I'm just not good enough to make the cut.

Member of ECB: ...

Strauss: I know what you're thinking. "Oh poppycock, tea, smoking on my pipe! You've gone bonkers! Whatever will England do without you?" and I've also thought about my response. England will do brilliantly. We've had a tough time of it recently, especially after Kevin fucked up everything with his captaincy, but I think England will pull through without me.

Member of ECB: Good sir, I am in complete agreement with you! We could certainly do without you! England has plenty of strapping gentlemen ready to pick up the bat to make our Queen proud.

Strauss: ...Right. Well...

Member of ECB: In fact, I'd even go as far to say you're a bloody useless T20 player. Comparatively, of course.

Strauss: Yes. Okay. Good to agree on this.

Member of ECB: Toodles.

Poor Andrew. He thought he was the martyr, but the ECB upstaged him.

"Kev, you need me, right? The team needs me, right?"

SA's T20 squad is no surprise

The only real one is that Ashwell's on the list. But it's only a preliminary squad, so there's still plenty of time to get rid of him.

The good news: My best friend's on the list. Apparently Vaughn van Jaarsveld's domestic team is called the bizhub Highveld Lions. Can a South African please explain that to me?

CJ de Villiers is trying to take over AB de Villiers' spot in the national side. I know it.
ROFL is also on the team.

Then there's Arno Jacobs. That's the kind of nickname we give our serial killers in Australia (no joke). And yes, we give serial killers nicknames. The only one we haven't is Ivan Milat, and that's just because he already has a brilliant name. Plus, he cut off his own finger with a plastic serrated knife, so he's slightly too insane for our liking.

The Squad: Graeme Smith, Yusuf Abdulla, Hashim Amla, Gulam Bodi, Loots Bosman, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher, Henry Davids, AB de Villiers, CJ de Villiers, Friedel de Wet, JP Duminy, Herschelle Gibbs, Arno Jacobs, Jacques Kallis, Heino Kuhn, Johann Louw, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Makhaya Ntini, Justin Ontong, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Robbie Peterson, Ashwell Prince, Daryn Smit, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Roelof van der Merwe, Vaughn van Jaarsveld (bizhub Highveld Lions).

I bolded Albie's name just for fun.

New Zealand T20 squad

They've actually released the full 15 players. Amazing. There's 15 back-up players also.

Big news? Chris Martin, Jeetan Patel, Grant Elliot, Tim Southee... all don't make the cut. As don't a bunch of other players. Instead, we're seeing Jacob Oram, Nathan McCullum, Peter McGlashan and Brendon Diamanti making the squad. Some of those names are no surprise, others a little surprising, but not in a bad way.

New Zealand are thinking tactical early on. They want their lower order to be as crazy and explosive as possible. They want power hitters holding clubs, not cricket bats. They want to have a chance in the competition, that's what NZ want. Aggression is the word of the day.

Hey hey, the brothers are coming to town.

The team: Brendon McCullum, Martin Guptill, Jesse Ryder, Ross Taylor, Scott Styris, Neil Broom, Jacob Oram, James Franklin, Nathan McCullum, Daniel Vettori (capt), Ian Butler, Peter McGlashan, Kyle Mills, Brendon Diamanti, Iain O'Brien.

Backup players: Peter Ingram, Shanan Stewart, Aaron Redmond, Craig Cumming, Peter Fulton, Jamie How, James Marshall, Gareth Hopkins, Grant Elliott, Ewen Thompson, Tim Southee, Michael Mason, Warren McSkimming, Chris Martin, Jeetan Patel.