England's Ashes Hopes

Lie in the hands of 16 men among whom there is no MPV or Harmison. Not that we expected the former to play.

Their training squad for the pre-Ashes camp comes as no surprise. Capitalising on their spin wickets, England have included 3 spinners in the squad, which means Adil Rashid gets his go, and what's more, Ian Bell's also in for kicks. Note Bell has nothing to do with good spin wickets.

Will he get a game? I doubt it, or at least I wouldn't give him a game myself. He can carry drinks for all it's worth.

And will KP be fit for the start of the Ashes? He thinks not. Then there's also Freddie who's also coming off an injury, but by now England need to have learnt to compensate for him. I give him two matches tops before he does another muscle/limb/body part in.

The squad: 1. Andrew Strauss (capt), 2. James Anderson, 3. Ian Bell, 4. Ravi Bopara, 5. Tim Bresnan, 6. Stuart Broad, 7. Paul Collingwood, 8. Alastair Cook, 9. Andrew Flintoff, 10. Graham Onions, 11. Monty Panesar, 12. Kevin Pietersen, 13. Matt Prior, 14. Adil Rashid, 15. Ryan Sidebottom, 16. Graeme Swann

Another important question is WILL THEY WIN THE ASHES? We will find out in due course. I am, of course, hoping they don't but even if I were a closet England supporter, I'd be hunted down and killed by manic fans here. I cannot take that risk just to support a bunch of inbreds... Oi!

Just look at your royal family for proof.

Touched By An Angel

From SMH, in an interview with Brett Lee regarding the following photo taken during the '05 Ashes series:

Says Brett:

"It sums up the 2005 series. There's the happiness in Andrew Flintoff. There's me, shattered. There's sportsmanship. There's all the good you can get in Test cricket. I'd been out there facing Freddie. You play as hard as you can, and I think I play as hard as anybody, but off the field, let's get together. A lot of friendships were formed in 2005, and me and Freddie was one of them."

So while Brett Lee was getting together with Flintoff off the field, Freddie himself has sold out the incident, coming up with a far funnier take of what occurred that day:

“I must admit that when I put my arm around him the exact words I used were ‘It’s 1-1, you Aussie bastard.”

Brett and Freddie must be best buddies now. A lot has changed since 2005. They're both not quite the bowlers they were back then, but at least Freddie's team desperately wants him in the side. Lee's had a harder time of it, but he's also in the mix. This is the series where he must prove himself, and that's a stronger motivation that anything else, I'd imagine.

Ricky gets a few words in

He tries, you know. It might not always work, but he sure as hell tries to target the key players England have perceived will be important in the series, and then he does his best to knock them down.

With Freddie, it's about fitness, which is a fair enough point:

"Flintoff is obviously very important to their make-up and set-up. Maybe, as we saw in 2007, if he's not 100% fit then maybe that sort of impact he can have around the team is not there. From 2005 to 2007 we saw two completely different players and that had a lot to do with the level of fitness that he had under his belt going into each series. That's where they're going to have a tough decision to make."

And then, in his lovely "relaxed and rejuvenated way" he tries hinting that KP's Achilles tendon might cause problems for the side too:

"I don't know where Pietersen's at at the moment, I'm not sure how bad his problem is, but they could face something similar there as well."

Maybe he just needs to validate his team since being at Trent Bridge has brought some rather unpleasant memories back. The Australians might not be half as cocky going into this series as they were in 2005, but Ricky will be damned if he doesn't get a chance to undermine the opposition in any way possible.

But wait, here's his last sly comment, this time about Strauss:

"We haven't had the chance to see him against us as a leader and under intense pressure, and hopefully over the next few months we'll get to see that."

If Ricky were a diplomat, he'd be the kind that piss you off extremely but you can't for the life of you figure out why.

something

I couldn't think of a title to this one, sorry. It's a bit of a nothing post anyway because I'm posting in a rush. I'm on the run, you see. Not from cops, just generally on the run. Busy, as they call it these days.

So if you were already missing me, be prepared for more heartache. I'm going to be a little quiet for today, but I'll probably be up and running by tomorrow afternoon. Aren't I just a great human being.

Some rather amusing stuff to take away the pain of losing me: just as Ricky Ponting comes out with comments that Freddie will be England's most important player in the Ashes, and that he'll "be keeping a close eye on him through the Twenty20s to see how fit and good he is", news arrives that in fact, Adil Rashid will be replacing Freddie during the World T20. So ner-ner, suck on that, etc, Ricky, England say. Looks like you won't be getting a chance to do that all too soon.

Also just checking on that SuperSport poll, it's starting to look really fucked up. While Albie is at 4%, putting him in equal fourth place, Johan Botha is steadily creeping up behind AB de Villiers like the mother in Psycho. JP has already been killed, and AB is next. Norman Bates, watch out. Your mother's a crazy bitch.

And because I never forget, the Michael Clarke Question of the Day for Esra (or should I refer to you by your real name you dirty rat?) because yes, there is now a question for you each day for as long as I can remember to do so or be bothered to do so. A self-proclaimed Clarke expert (actually, I may have heaped it on her, but so what), we're pitting Esra against the very best experts in the business, namely Ryan Campbell. Your pride is at stake, Esra. Do me proud. Here's today's question: What is unusual about the highest score Clarke has made in Test cricket? Think you can answer that one? As it turns out, I'm not going to give you hard questions to make you lose because I'd much rather you didn't. So most of the questions will be totally ridiculous. Answer without fear.

Alright, that's all. See you later, and maybe I'll be seeing an answer to that question later too. By the way, if anyone can guess which city I'm in (it's not Sydney), you get a special prize. Something to keep you entertained while I'm gone. And if you haven't cottoned on to exactly what this "prize" is, you will after a dozen more posts offering prizes but never quite delivering on any material goods.

Bitter Owais Shah Looks For Revenge

Mesmerising everyone with his rather large eyes, Owais Shah is out for revenge against the ECB. The place to start is defending his county's decision to take on Phil Hughes prior to the Ashes. For the unitiated, the best way to do this is to remove one of England's possible avenues for excuse if they happen to lose the Ashes series. Here's how you do it, Owais-style:

"I don't think you can say that because this one guy has come in and played with us for six or seven weeks, it's going to tip the Ashes in their favour or our favour. It runs deeper than that."

He continued, "In fact, you're only going to lose the series if your number 3 is an incompetent asshole, so we'd better hope England doesn't have one like that, eh?" Oh Shah, I know where you're going with this. It's alright, we understand. Ravi's not going into hiding either, he knows what a great person you are.

Meanwhile, it turns out Kevin Pietersen's Achilles' heel is in fact his Achilles tendon. Apparently he'd "disappointed" he won't get to play the Windies in the ODI series. Bullshit, he's the luckiest guy on the team and I think everyone knows it. Wouldn't Strauss just love to skip this pointless contest against a country they don't particularly rate, having now jumped their way to 5 in the ICC Test ratings.

On the other hand, England could very much want to play this series against WI. It's been a while since they've won anything for an extended period of time. Plus, it'll boost their career figures a little, particularly for the newer players. Wouldn't a 5-for do Tim Bresnan a whole lot of good ahead of his fight with Freddie for a place in England's side. Some fight that'll be.

"VOT?!"

Altogether now

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Caught an early morning flight to Brisbane for work, yes BRISBANE. I've afraid to go out tonight in case the rednecks get me. But that's why this is just going to be a quick post in which I try encompass everything I am feeling at the very moment.

AB's 79 off 55. Why, world, why? You'd think God was spiting me or something, which I believe he is.

Bryce McGain thinks he's still in with a chance, over at SMH. Freddie thinks England have to be "fearless without being reckless" in order to win the Ashes. Which brings me to...

Phil Hughes. Ah, you'll hear that name often. His batting is so endearingly ugly I can't help but like him. His fifty-over critics have been silenced by a hard hit 119 from 112 balls for Middlesex. There is seriously something about Hughes which indicates to me he's got the necessary skills to take over the world. If I were him, I'd be planning it already.

The thing about Phil is that his batting is so incredibly unorthodox and he is so bloody short that nobody can find any appropriate way to describe him. Journalists and commentators have taken to calling his style "swashbuckling". I laugh in their faces.

That's all from me. I won't be on too much in the next few days either so don't cry if you fail to get your daily fix of Amy. I'll try talking cricket whenever I can.

Schizophrenic Freddie

Colly confirms what we'd always suspected:

"He's very much two players in one - as I've always said."

Alright, so they're talking about his all-rounder skills even though his batting is perhaps a little over-rated, but the latest in the Freddie story is that apparently he might miss the World Twenty20. Because we didn't already think exactly that. How was anyone expecting him to come off yet another surgery and go straight into the tournament? It's ludicrous. Clearly with Freddie, you can't have him for everything. You need to do some good old-fashioned rationing.

And the most important place for him is the Ashes, so that's where you can expect him to go, before yet another body part breaks down.

At some stage he's just going to malfunction completely. England have to be prepared for it, because every time he falls to an injury, there seems to be a period of panic in which they cannot fathom how they will go on without him, because everyone knows just how many wickets he takes. The reliance on Flintoff within the English team is slowly morphing into a mental one, rather than one based on his actual abilities. It's good to have a player like that in the team, one who instils a sense of hope in others and motivates them into thinking they can actually succeed, but sooner or later the penny's going to drop. And then English cricket will go on without him.

Freddie will be the phantom, the legend, to live on in the minds of children for centuries to come. His achievements will be spoken of in an awed tone, and he'll be that golden boy for cricket.

That is what you'd think would happen, anyway. Meanwhile, in the here and now, he probably wont' make it for the T20 Cup or whatever it is. But he thinks he'll be there for the Ashes:

"I'd love to play in the Twenty20 - but that might be too tight. I had an operation two weeks ago and I'm already off my crutches. The Ashes are a long way off - and I'll be fine for them."

Everyone always thinks they're a long way off, because the darn series creeps up on you. Last I remember, it's still 2007 and we just crushed the poor fellows. Much has changed since then.

"I now grow extremely surprised everytime I catch the ball."

The Gayle-Strauss Wars

It all began with Chris Gayle saying he "would not be so sad" if Test cricket died out. He also said he can't "take on too many things" and that he'd be handing over the captaincy soon. Then things got lukewarm in the nasty department:

“I have liked Twenty20 since it came in. I like it. Who doesn’t? Maybe a couple of the Englishmen wouldn’t like to play Twenty20.”

First of all, excellent attempt to get a subtle dig in there. Secondly, WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TWENTY20 THE ENGLISH PLAY? DO YOU?

Andrew Strauss responded with a fairly innocuous:

"It's quite a personal situation for him because he only came back a couple of days before the first Test match and he's had some criticism for doing that. If I was a team-mate of his and I was walking out to play a Test match tomorrow you probably don't want to hear your captain saying that he doesn't value Test cricket very highly."

Gayle just seems quite tense about it all. In his first interview he also said:

"Maybe Andrew Strauss would be sad if Test cricket dies and Twenty20 comes in because there is no way he can make the change. So tough luck. It doesn't concern him. Tell him don't sleep with Chris on his mind, tell him get Chris off his mind."

Because Strauss just can't get Gayle out of his mind?

Chris Gayle has since come out and said he actually isn't going to resign and that we "misinterpreted". Yeah. Right.

"I just can't get you out of my head," Andrew sings, complete with a sultry wink.

BUT WAIT...

"Boy your loving is all I think about," continues Freddie, getting his Kylie on.

Tonight's Matches

If I weren't backing one team out of the four playing team, I imagine both matches would seem boring. As it turns out, I want CSK to win and so I am interested in the second match. The first however... Deccan Chargers vs. Rajasthan Royals. You know, it might be great, but it could also be a complete pushover.

I think perhaps Kamran Khan will be out due to injury? Not sure how serious that injury was, but it did look painful enough.

And apparently Sehwag is also out because of the finger injury. I think Ryan Campbell had a go at Indian cricketers and said something like "He was pretty quick to leave the field as soon as it touched his finger". Little does Campbell know it was all a conspiracy, and Delhi had planned beforehand to fake an injury and bring David Warner on as a substitute fielder so he could orchestrate more dismissals. Bastards.

Okay, so they didn't fake it. I think he had to get stitches. If he isn't playing, the gap in the side isn't going to be all too big, to be honest. Another talented cricketer will just crawl slimily into his place and fix the gap.

Chennai have won a match after Freddie left. His services weren't so desperately valuable after all. On the Nasser Hussain comment, it's quite peeved me off because for one, I've never understood the merit in the "so you want to have your cake and eat it too?" argument. Because yes, if I have my goddamn cake I'd like to eat the fucking thing. Wouldn't you? It would be real scrumdiddlyumptious. I'm sure Willy Wonka would agree. That man would never let a travesty such as having a cake and not eating it occur.

Alright then, moving away from strange analogies and expressions. Apparently there's one sport that Australians can beat the saffas at. Go Waratahs.

Having Freddie's Cake And Eating It

Nasser Hussain has done it again. The clock was ticking until he spoke out on Freddie's injury following playing in the IPL. And doesn't he say it well?

"Players just cannot have their cake and eat it. They cannot expect to reap the benefits of a lucrative central contract and then only be under the control of the ECB when it suits them."

Honestly. Someone needs to rewire his brain so he'll stop being such an idiot.

Imagine if Jacob Oram was in the English team. He'd never hear the end of it from pompous assholes (although Oram does need to hear something, the guy is just completely off Test cricket).

Giles Clark says it all:

"I think it is absolutely right that it is a decision for the player, what he wants to do. He has a limited period of time as a player."

Everyone knows the IPL is all about the money. Neither Freddie nor KP felt any particular affiliation to their respective teams. Freddie just grinned and charmed his teammates' pants off in order to disguise his poor performances.

I don't care if players do it for the money. If it were me in that situation, I sure as hell wouldn't let $1.55 million dollars run away from me because ex-captains would likely have a hissy fit about it. The English scrutinise and attempt to control their players far too much.

Andrew Strauss is particularly clear about it:

"It's not something you'd hold against a player. It's a tough decision to turn down that sort of money."

Bang on the money, really. Now if only Hussain could shut his trap.

I know there's the case to be made that Freddie should have known he's injury-prone and therefore not subjected himself to the IPL in addition to the multitude of tournaments and series in the next few months, but if we step back for a minute and look at it from a purely self-interested perspective, who can blame him?

"Whoo! I'm Andrew Flintoff. I can do no wrong."

Shaun Tait and Freddie

Shaun Tait wants some IPL action too. But first he has to get fit, he says. And then maybe he'll get a few IPL games in after that.

I can't even bring myself to respond to him anymore. Tait is just a void in the cricket team. Sometimes there, mostly not, and only if he's in good physical and mental shape, which is proving to be a tough ask. He's a talented bowler, some may say chucker, but hey he's Aussie, right? We don't do chuckers, mate. Just ask Michael Clarke.

And as Tait recovers from his injury, Flintoff's surgery is over and has been declared a success. Good to hear, fuckers. They think he'll be back for the T20 World Cup, all fresh for another injury.

Deccan vs. Chennai

I don't know how much I can stress this, but Chennai have to win.

They have to win, or the Chargers will have won all of their games until now. And that's just a dangerous imbalance of power and success.

Something tells me maybe Chennai can pull it off. They're not a bad team, they're one of the strongest. But they haven't played since that loss against Delhi. This Saturday, Chennai will face Delhi again. Can they beat them?

Freddie's not going to be there today. Apparently the players were disappointed because they just loved his cheery spirit. It's fake, I'll tell you. The players are probably glad to be rid of that grin and those super expensive bowlers.

By the way, does "whistle podu" just mean whistling for your team? Is there some sort of reason behind it, cultural or otherwise?

WHISTLE PODU.

Who Plays Who

Deccan vs. Mumbai
Chennai vs. Kolkata

Will we see more Gilly theatrics? I hope so. They'll be up against the best bowling attack in the tournament, so their relatively small top and middle order will have to get some real work in against Mumbai.

Will we see a weaker Chennai? That's an interesting question. Theoretically, Chennai should be a weaker side in their lacklustre bowling department with the absence of Freddie, but as we all know, he hasn't exactly been doing them any favours with his bowling. Last match we saw Balaji come out with the best figures. I don't think that will be happening again, to be honest. I'm inclined to think Chennai will play Oram tonight. He was unimpressive in the first match, but then again, it was only one match. He's sat out the rest and maybe it's time he played.

Chennai's batting is looking alright. If Dhoni's keeping again, hopefully they'll take Parthiv Patel off. He isn't exactly the best choice for the powerplay in those first 6 overs, especially when he isn't of use as a wicketkeeper. It doesn't make sense to keep him on.

Haydos is looking good, and is currently the leading run scorer in the tournament. I wonder if after the last match, when he was given his orange cap in the innings break, the IPL organisers had wrestled it off Dravid.

Dhoni also needs to get going today, as does Albie, and whoever comes in at 6. Raina will also need to put on a decent performance. I am nervous for Albie. He needs to put on a big score today to convince everyone he's up and going. And he won't have Freddie to comfort him after the game if they have another devastating loss.

Kolkata... well, we'll see. They could well be a threat, but if Chennai perform to their potential, it shouldn't be too difficult to silence them. Look out for Mendis if he plays. Chennai's reliance on foreign players means they will be the most vulnerable to Mendis' crafty bowling, having not played him before.

Freddie, Freddie, Freddie

What the fuck, not another injury. It's his knee. Torn meniscus which now requires keyhole surgery. The ECB think he'll be out of the game for 3 to 5 weeks. Hugh Morris is onto it, already prepared with a list of reasons why this isn't such a big deal:

"Andrew has been extremely unlucky with injuries but if there is one saving grace it is that the injury has occurred now rather than on the eve of either the ICC World Twenty20 or the Ashes."

So England breathe a sigh of relief. He'll be there for the Ashes. They'll need him, especially after little midgets are going around hitting centuries in their domestic tournament. But with Freddie, England's chances of beating a rubbish Aussie team are a little higher.

KP is also weighing in on the issue:

"I didn't know about it (injury). I saw him bowling last night but it is a huge, huge blow come the summer in England."

A huge, huge blow.

Chennai will be glad to see the back of Freddie.

Devastated Albie has cost Chennai dearly

Just when you think you can probably pass the loss off to something like bowling, VB Chandrasekar comes out and pegs it as that dropped catch:

We are a good side but one fielding error in the two games we have lost has cost us dear... Our real chance to pull back was lost with Albie flooring AB.

Immediately after the game, the two losers of Chennai had a "moment":

Albie looked devastated with a bad day in office, but I was happy to see Freddie walk across to sit by his side. Albie looked comforted momentarily. Surely, it was a lesson in team sport.

Comforted. Thank god it was only momentarily. Now he can go back to hating himself. Because he's South African and we all know the best way to make a South African perform is to rip their guts out and remind them of just how shit they are and how badly they're going to be pulverised the next match.

So next match, Albie will either come out swinging or he will be broken.
Freddie will just smile and comfort people. I bet he doesn't really care whether he does well or not, it's just a lot of money for very little work. It's Albie who will feel the real pain.

Sane Thoughts on Chennai

So I’ve had a bit of shut-eye and somehow that is supposed to help my judgement of the Chennai vs. Delhi match.

I guess, and I hate to say this, it seriously hasn’t been Albie’s week. In fact, the last time he orchestrated a giant run chase in the death overs like this was in January, and while he did it several times, he has lacked a certain something in the following months.

I think it was Anthony Hudson who said “Out of the entire tournament, if there was one person you wanted in that situation, it was Albie Morkel.” For once the stupid git is actually right.

But fuck, that dropped catch did nothing to help them. Or the bowling.

Come to think of it, Freddie didn’t do much to help them either. He was the most expensive bowler, picked up no wickets, left the field after a similarly low score, but yes, he did take that low catch. Doesn’t matter, because he also failed Chennai.

From the outset Albie looked nervous. He just couldn’t get any of the balls away. The Delhi bowlers did very well, but I’ve seen Albie smash spinners to bits, and he was up against Dirk Nannes there. You know, Dirk Nannes. Any other day, and Albie might have hit 16 off the over.

But he didn’t. Instead, Albie looked like a depressed little ghost out there. He didn’t even seem to want to be on the strike, didn’t go for 3 runs to get himself on strike, let the tail end face a lot of those final deliveries. And there were a shitload of run outs. When Gony came on, there was the feeling that perhaps this match could be saved. But no, he was run out.

David Warner was on crack.

And Albie just didn’t really care. AB had broken his spirit. To be fair, maybe we shouldn’t expect him to succeed in situations like this every time, but he’s done it often enough for people to genuinely expect it.

So somehow during the course of this post, I have gone from blaming him to pitying him. Great.

If Albie does well in the next match, all is forgiven.

Albie you stupid idiot

Drops AB on 50. AB goes on to make 100 off 51 balls. Albie fumbles an absolute sitter after taking a similarly easy catch of Sehwag earlier.

Even the wicket of Dilshan doesn't make up for that horrendous dropped catch.

Apparently AB was the one who got my memo to Hayden telling him that Jesus was literally inside him. His strike rate was almost 200.

A small part of me was disgusted by AB's maiden IPL century (and the first ton of this IPL season), but fuck, that was a good century. 6 sixes, something like 5 fours. Quite a few off Albie, not sparing him the way Albie had spared AB. AB might not be a powerhitter, but he's classy and makes it look effortless.

Delhi posted 189/5.

The immense relief I felt when Hayden came on, rearing to go, was reminscent of the Australia of past. You'd think it was Gilly down the other end judging by the number of times I've felt this way before. Harsha Bogle thinks Hayden's Australia's answer to ODI openers. And he's not that far off in terms of ability.

AB caught Parthiv Patel, already the golden boy of the IPL. You can almost see the commentators smiling at his sunny disposition. He kisses his hands after taking the catch, probably thinking he's humbly kissing the Lord's hands. AB then goes and takes a great catch for Raina's wicket. I bet he thinks he's amazing. Someone bring Sybrand on.

Flintoff's happy face in the intro shot could give AB a run for his money.

Then it's Albie's turn to redeem himself. He dropped that vital catch earlier, didn't he? Albie looks around nervously, gets frightened by overhead cameras, has his very few fours stopped by a persistent AB (the commentators are all over the bastard, talking about back rubs and massages) and eventually does SHIT ALL to help Chennai win. 13 off 14. I BITE MY THUMB AT YOU, SIR.

And seriously, someone needed to get David Warner the fuck off the field. Goddamn substitute. Who was he there for, anyway? I think I missed that when I walked out for a while.

Fucking shit. I blame Albie.

And when I've had time to think about it, I might just blame Freddie too.

Tit for tat, fit for fat - CSK vs. Bangalore

What an interesting match for all of 10 overs. To be fair, it wasn't anywhere near as boring as the opening match, and in comparison, it was like the diamond standard of cricket. From the start, fellas:

The entire Bangalore team turns up to the toss to present the orange and purple caps for Most Runs in Competition and Most Wickets in Competition respectively. It's Dravid and Kumble, but as we find out later, Haydos must wrestle the orange cap off Dravid during the innings break, because he's sporting it later.

KP is nice enough to say 'The great Jacques Kallis is back." What rubbish. If you haven't already guessed this is what the title of this post is referring to: tit for tat, fit for fat. Because Jesse Ryder is actually fit.

Hayden put down first ball, goes on to make 60 odd. He's also dropped in the 10th over, but it's a far more difficult catch and out of everyone's range. Still, KP is murderously angry and he mutters a few things to himself, before putting on his "pleased captain" face and clapping encouragingly at the other players. At least the guy is trying.

Dale Steyn looked to be on ampethamines as usual. The trademark manic facial expression, frenzied walking, twitching, making weird faces at batsmen. The shortened prison inmate haircut.

Kallis is fittingly hit all around the ground, and goes for 20 in his first over. Hayden does most of the damage. Good man. Although, I have to say, Jacques Kallis was looking good out there, like sexy good. Haha, okay, I won't even joke about something as disturbing as that. My bad. Apologies.

Matty Hayden brings up his 3rd IPL 50, getting 53 off 22 deliveries. That's the fastest half-century for any CSK player ever.

The commentators have chats to Stephen Fleming and other players, asking them about the time out. It's hilarious to hear everyone dodging the truth and lying through their teeth about it. It has never been easier to hear the underlying thoughts behind someone's words before. They all think it's shit, but aren't at liberty to disclose this opinion. Frankly, it's a load of bullshit. I can deal with ads thrown in between overs, after wickets, after no balls even, because it's only disrupting my viewing of the game. But when advertising starts to intrude on the game itself, that's crossing the line.

We saw it again today with Chennai losing their momentum during the tactical time-out. I believe it was Tom Moody who said after Punjab's loss the other night that "We had seven and a half minutes to lose the momentum". That's the best anyone has ever put it. I'm going to burn an effigy of Lalit Modi because he's the figurehead of the IPL and therefore responsible for this outrage.

How good were the CSK cheerleaders? Not good, exactly, but more interesting than the others. They pwned the White Mischief Gals out there with their new moves. You could see them chatting away with each other trying to come up with some Bollywood-esque moves to match the music. Chennai Super Kings also had a drummer, who was there when Murali was presented with the MoM award.

After the time-out, Kevvy comes in and two wickets are gone in the next two balls. Bowled Parthiv Patel and Haydos run out next ball because of Suresh Raina. I wonder if KP will continue bowling to batsmen who aren't ready. Just a thought.

Cut to Ray Rennings who believes Bangalore can "confidently chase 180 or 190." My ass.

Dale Steyn drops Suresh Raina in an absolute sitter. He was actually doing a favour for his own team, because Raina continued to occupy the crease at a very ODI 28 off 29 balls. What the fuck does he think he's playing? Ryan Campbell went on and on about this during the ad breaks, as though he was the only person who didn't prefer Raina to perhaps Flintoff or Morkel. I do agree with it, but fuck, I'd love for Campbell to shut his trap.

Thank fuck Raina is out at the end of the 19th over, allowing Albie onto the field alongside Freddie. Albie hits the first ball for 4, great shot, and the next one is a definite 4 but it's saved by Robin Uthappa who is keeping. Dale Steyn is given a totally ridiculous wide call which pisses him off a little, and rightly so. But he has his revenge and bowls Albie on the last ball. 5 off 3. Imagine what he could have done with 29 balls. Fucking Raina.

179/5 after 20 overs. The highest T20 score ever at Sahara Park in Port Elizabeth.

Then Bangalore are on and there's the usual shindig of the entire team collapsing, save for the Wall.

Balaji feeds Jacques Kallis a couple of half volleys, which Kallis easily sends away for 4. What the fuck is wrong with Kallis? His strike rate is over 100.

Albie's on, and he pretends to appeal, even managing to conjure up fake indignation when the umpire calls wide. Good times. In his next over, he gets Jacques Kallis out lbw. Great. Someone needed to get the fat prick out. Kallis leaves with 24 off 19 balls, a miracle by his standards.

As with every match, there's a stupid glory shot of the IPL trophy. I bet nobody saw Lalit Modi humping it earlier on.

Then KP's out lbw off Murali. He's pissed. He thinks he got bat on it. Simon Taufel thinks not. It's okay, because KP will have his revenge later on, during the tactical time-out. KP tells Virat Kohli to hit the ball directly at Simon Taufel first ball of the 11th over. Kohli obliges his angry captain. Taufel is none the wiser as to who ordered the attack on him.

Dravid tries to put up a stand but runs out of partners and is eventually caught by Flintoff. Bangalore are bowled out for 87, losing by 92 runs. Shameful.

Presentation ceremony, KP calls Hayden a "genius". Wow.
Dhoni thinks "we definitely need to improve on our bowling". I'm not too sure about the "definitely". That's an odd thing to say after your bowlers have been brilliant.
Murali is MoM for his 3 wickets for 11. Okay, that's good. He thinks Haydos should have gotten it.
Hayden walks away with the orange cap he claimed off Dravid.

KP Watch:
Looking out for KP's hugging, I saw him hugging bowlers with one arm as he spoke to them. That's all for the night, however. He was tense the rest of the time.
I'm going to fess up here and say that I want KP to do well in this tournament. I don't know why, but I'm backing him as well now. So there you go. I never thought this day would come.

Ryan Campbell's expert advice of the night:
"He perhaps had a very good set of manboobies last year." -On Robin Uthappa, and yes, "manboobies"

Giving fashion advice to Dravid, outing his "light blue undershirt beneath red uniform" as a fashion no-no. This was a joint Wingard and Campbell discussion. They also gave a bad fashion rating to the purple and orange coloured caps.

"The doosra - the one that goes the other way - was fantastic."
Thanks for that explanation, Einstein.

"I got caught up in the glitz and glamour of Shuk Rah Khan."

Campbell thinks that Chennai should conspire during the tactical time-out to "run out Patel".

Ryan Campbell is "not too convinced with Patel, especially when they have Morkel and Flintoff down the order."
Now, I know Ryan rates Albie as one of his top 3 T20 batsmen, and is strangely enthusiastic about seeing him on the field, WHAT THE FUCK? Why the hell would you send Albie or Freddie in to open the batting? Christ.

Ad of the day:
Lazypatch duvet suit - walking around with a bodysuit which is essentially one giant blanket. Only you can't escape it because it's also a bodysuit.

"We are friends."

The IPL is about begin

The opening ceremony is probably on about now but yeah, can't watch it. It's not being broadcast here. The games, however, are.

Watch Chennai beat the crap out of Mumbai, and watch KP in action. Oh, the excitement. The chance to see KP fail spectacularly is creating an atmosphere laden with tension and excitement. Still, it would be far less funny if Jacques Kallis played well. That would just ruin the night.

If you're going to be watching the IPL alone, DON'T. Who will you laugh with when KP is bowled for a duck? So chain anyone to a seat and watch the games with them. It's not even a real match so you won't feel the pressure of your side losing. You'll just be happy. Drinks all round!

That's another thing. Down a shot for every DLF Maximum Albie hits, and every wicket Freddie gets. A shot for every sledge the cameras pick up. A shot for every funny face Shoaib Akhtar makes. Too bad he won't be playing.

And, of course, down the whole bottle when KP gets out. Good times.

I might have to officially write up a Drinking Game for the IPL. Who knows, I'll trial it tonight and bring word of its success tomorrow.

The Handsome Freddie

That is VB Chandrasekhar, talking about Flintoff on his blog. My oh my, this Freddie, so handsome.

He also talks about Matty Hayden's son "attacking his birthday cake with glee". Because they celebrated little Joshua's birthday. If you say Joshi fast, it sounds like Yoshi. I always did like Yoshi.


And I also just noticed something about Albie Morkel's wikipedia entry. Somebody decided to post up a rather hilarious description of his personal life:

In 2006 he married Teigan Testa and they have four children, two sons and two daughters, Phoebe(2007), Annabel (2007), Samuel (2008) and Sebastian (2009).

Quite the prolific breeder, that Albie.