Australia's Horror Day

To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:

Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.

We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.

And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.

At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.

In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.

Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.

Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.

Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.

In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.

So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.

Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.

Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.

Spotto

This photo was sort of reminiscent of this past Spotto so I had to put it up as the Australian counterpart to the Brits. Plus, it's another chance to show Ponting looking stupid.

Spotted: Will he catch it?

On the topic of Australians, something just came to mind. Has anyone else noticed that Ben Laughlin has chicken legs?

The first mention of DLF Maximums in the World T20

It really happened, and the man to do it was none other than the evil die AB. I'm not taking into account the nights I spent shouting "Hit a DLF Maximum you bloody arsehole" at the television because that was just the awe-inspiring ability of Lalit Modi to win me over with commercialism.

I didn't, really. I'd kill myself before I started calling a six a DLF Maximum and even then, there's a catch involved with that. Can you guess what it is? I'll tell you what it is. The catch is that I'd already be dead so I wouldn't have to DLF anything from my grave.

Funny joke, Amy, you say. I agree wholeheartedly.

I'm deliberately not talking about the matches won or lost in the tournament so far because it is of little importance in the grand scale of things. Even falafels are more important than Ireland setting themselves up as everyone's bitch, and I don't particularly care about falafels.

What was I saying? Right, it's die AB deciding to drag poor Albie's name through mud and link him to the horror that was DLF Maximums:

After the three-hour coach ride up the M1 motorway from London, we gathered at the hotel and recognised Albie Morkel’s birthday. He is now 28 years old, and let’s hope he celebrates a day late with one of his trademark bursts of strokeplay, boundaries and DLF maximums.

Oh, what? What is that? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's die AB bringing the IPL to its home-schooled cousin, the ICC World T20. And what's more, he's suggesting that Albie Morkel would commit the atrocious act of hitting a DLF Maximum and thus downgrade his own integrity while AB remains the good cricketer who only hit boundaries and sixes.

Putting the DLF Maximums aside, yes, I do hope Albie tries to knock Stuart Broad's bobblehead off. That would mean another player would be out injured, or in Broady's case, out headless. It appears any player with half a brain has decided this World T20 is not worth it so why not say "fuck it" and get yourself injured in order to avoid playing. Whether it be your groin or your Achilles tendon, everything's looking good for these smart cricketers. Judging by this rule, though, New Zealand are therefore the smartest team of all, so the accuracy of such claims needs to be revised.

In other news, this is the best headline ever. Becuase John Buchanan is so disgustingly evil that it hurts to look at him. And he really is going to work with the enemy. For everyone who thinks this is Buchanan spying on England for the Aussies, no it fucking isn't. It just isn't. Will you look at the slimy bastard? While England smugly find scraps of paper which just happen to be lying on the dressing room floor with Australia's Ashes secrets written on them, the Aussies have responded in the only way they possibly can, and that is to reject the English in any way possible. In this way, Derbyshire have "been successfully humiliated", according to an exclusive secret interview with Ricky Ponting. It's typical Ponting, mistaking a charitable offer from locals doing their small bit to save face for Australia in the face of their embarrassing defeat in the World T20 as a desperate attempt to absorb some of Australia's "glorious charisma" through osmosis during a one day match. Instead, Ponting hopes to do shit all in Leicester before the Ashes.

Today's matches:
New Zealand over Ireland.
England over AB.
Albie over England.
England over Jacques Kallis.
ROFL over England.

And here's to hoping, everyone's favourite Kiwi gets better. Actually, that all of them get better.
As a side note, I did something very evil in this post and I don't apologise for it at all as I continue in my production of anti-AB propaganda.

England's women fare well

Amidst all this talk of Australia's pathetic performances and the chance that two minnows may make it into the Super Eights stage, there is the point to note that there is an English side that stands a chance of winning this tournament, and it's their women's side.

The boys could learn a lot from their women who cleaned up the Kiwis in a practice match. Knowing the men's team, a warm-up against New Zealand would have met exactly the opposite result. I do believe Amy S. the cricketer played for New Zealand. Nice. I don't know why, but I inevitably end up supporting New Zealand in cricket matches. It just happens, I have no control over it. Maybe I do like the poor fellows across the sea.

In tonight's matches (or today's, depending on where you are) it's South Africa against NZ, and the Netherlands against Pakistan. Bit of a no-brainer, seeing as I've just said the thing about my inability to go against New Zealand. The Kiwis over SA, and the Dutchmen over Pakistan. The first of these because I couldn't stand die AB doing his usual shit again, and then overdoing the humility afterwards. Also because I need Dan the Man to play today and unleash the power of his spectacles on die AB. I'm all in favour of Albie topscoring for the saffas, though. Really, it's the only outcome I'm in favour of.

As for the Netherlands over Pakistan, imagine the Super Eights being comprised of A QUARTER minnows and three quarters usual teams. That's almost unheard of. Also because their uniform is orange and no other country would have the balls to do that. I mean, look at them. So many variations of green and blue it's not funny. That's why the orange trumps all, even if they only chose it because all the other colours were taken.

I'm trying to imagine just how stupid Ricky Ponting feels, but I cannot seem to accurately imagine the magnitude of it.

How I laughed

A distinct lack of postage today. Apologies for that, I had a long day in the office. Thankfully, tonight I head back to Sydney, escaping the bitter cold of Canberra for another few weeks. How I despise Winter.

There is one significant thing I'm going to mention, and that is Australia's exit from the World Twenty20. If that isn't the most hilarious thing to happen all tournament (perhaps even slighty funnier than England's loss to the Netherlands) I don't know what is. For all the time they spent not caring about Twenty20, Australia now look like a bunch of idiots. The equivalent of a team like Scotland.

To think that Australia are ranked number 1 in another form of the game.

And another thing. In the closing moments of the match, as Sri Lanka hit the winning runs, I could have sworn Ricky Ponting almost laughed. I would too if I were the captain of a shithouse team. Ajantha Mendis didn't even have to do all too much to make the Australians bow down to him.

Ireland are also in the Super Eights. This tournament is possibly the strangest thing to occur since glow-in-the-dark rabbits.

The Face Of A Very Competent Captain

"Hmmm," says Ricky as his team prepares for training. "Lovely day to play cricket, is it. Nestled safely on my head as always, my VB cap is. Going to win this tournament, we are. Yes, hmmm."

"Yoda, I am."

Ricky and the Ashes Urn

An addition to the last installment of the series. Because it gets better.

"I'm happy."

"I'm determined."

He has the emotional breadth of a donkey, that Ricky.

Run Ricky Run

For every run Ricky makes in the Ashes series, you donate a certain amount which is then forwarded to a charity supporting children through cancer.

Clearly this is a perfect excuse for England to go easy on Ricky. He’s helping little kids, for god’s sake. Have some pity, throw him some half-volleys.

The website for Run Ricky Run is rather interesting, but only because Ricky is updating his Facebook as we go through the World Twenty20 and probably the Ashes too. He’s doing it every day. Amazing. The latest is about the NZ warm-up match:

We beat New Zealand tonight passing their 147 with four balls remaining. Our bowlers certainly lifted a gear from the first game against Bangladesh and our fielding was much sharper. I scored 56 off 40 balls and am feeling good at the moment. All in all - a very satisfying result all round.

All in all, a boring person, but we’ve come to expect that from him.

And that brings me to some unfortunate news of mine. Due to a rather hasty life-changing career decision I made today, I fear I won’t be able to blog quite so often. I’ve had a good long think about it and my options are essentially to stop blogging or to possibly continue doing so, albeit posting much less. I’m going to be busy, especially on weekdays, so I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to get much in for about 5 days of the week. The weekend would be a little easier, but only a little. What’s happening is good news for me, but not so much this blog.

So that’s what’s going to happen. I’m sorry about it, you guys are awesome. But… you know. Life. It happens. I apologise if I don’t get to reply to all your comments but I’ll try to read them all if I can. I’m just going to have to become one of those people who work ridiculously long weeks, not that I mind because it’s a pretty awesome situation. For me. Going to new heights, etc, what people always dream of doing.

Ah, okay. That’s that. I can’t help feeling that this blog won’t be half of what it is right now if I don’t post as much, but oh well. I can’t help it. I’ll make sure I post when I can, I promise.

Till next time, adieu, my friends. Adieu.

Something strange

I think Ponting's playing T20 pretty well.

Damn.

How To Look Stupid

Contrary to popular belief, actually being stupid is the hard part. It's looking convincingly stupid which really troubles people.

Which is why Ricky is here to help.

Thanks, Ricky.

Where Australia are at

Michael Clarke doesn't want to captain in his lifetime. Idiot. He'd rather be the perpetual vice-captain:

"I'm definitely not ready right now with the captain we've got. For me, I hope he captains until the end of my career."

Ricky Ponting has suffered a small blow to his hand which apparently saw

Ponting lay prone on the ground for a couple of minutes, teammates huddling around him, before being taken away for treatment.

He also later "apologetically declined to shake a journalists' hand, indicating the strapping round his arm." Everyone knows he just didn't want to get British germs, after being told by Brett Lee that they were all carrying the swine flu, the English being immune to it themselves after spending centuries in close contact with pigs. Very close contact.

Look at that fake concern on Brett's face.

Brad Haddin thinks this current team can "leave their mark as an Australian team". If he keeps edging his gloves in front of the stumps to claim stumpings, they sure will.

And Mitchell Johnson wants to bat in the top 6 as a batting all-rounder.

Looking good?

England Try To Kill Ricky Ponting

From Cricinfo:

He was picking up a ball in the nets when struck by a shot from Michael Hussey and the blow ended his session.

Accompanied by this photo:

Now, if I'm not mistaken, is this not England cleverly disguising themselves as Mike Hussey and trying to kill Ponting? Little did they know he's a resilient little bastard. Just as the Australian selectors didn't know he's a resilient little bastard who would last this long as captain.

I vote the Aussies do the same, preferably disguising themselves with these masks. That should do the trick.

Ricky gets a few words in

He tries, you know. It might not always work, but he sure as hell tries to target the key players England have perceived will be important in the series, and then he does his best to knock them down.

With Freddie, it's about fitness, which is a fair enough point:

"Flintoff is obviously very important to their make-up and set-up. Maybe, as we saw in 2007, if he's not 100% fit then maybe that sort of impact he can have around the team is not there. From 2005 to 2007 we saw two completely different players and that had a lot to do with the level of fitness that he had under his belt going into each series. That's where they're going to have a tough decision to make."

And then, in his lovely "relaxed and rejuvenated way" he tries hinting that KP's Achilles tendon might cause problems for the side too:

"I don't know where Pietersen's at at the moment, I'm not sure how bad his problem is, but they could face something similar there as well."

Maybe he just needs to validate his team since being at Trent Bridge has brought some rather unpleasant memories back. The Australians might not be half as cocky going into this series as they were in 2005, but Ricky will be damned if he doesn't get a chance to undermine the opposition in any way possible.

But wait, here's his last sly comment, this time about Strauss:

"We haven't had the chance to see him against us as a leader and under intense pressure, and hopefully over the next few months we'll get to see that."

If Ricky were a diplomat, he'd be the kind that piss you off extremely but you can't for the life of you figure out why.

A funny joke involving Ricky Ponting and his popularity

Apparently he is the most marketable sports star in Australia three years running. That's ahead of every other sportsperson we have in the country, every other intensely more likeable face on the sporting circuit. Those vitamins sure did Ricky a whole lot of good.

According to a survey conducted of the public by the Sweeney Sports Report between October 2008 and March 2009, Ricky has come out tops again, and Andrew Symonds has fallen dramatically to 36th on the list. Funny that.

The top 10 of the list are as follows:

1. Ricky Ponting (cricket)

2. Grant Hackett (swimming)

3.Adam Gilchrist (cricket)

4. Glenn McGrath (cricket)

5. Pat Rafter (tennis)

6. Ian Thorpe (swimming)

7. Stephanie Rice (swimming)

8. Cathy Freeman (athletics)

9. Steve Waugh (cricket)

10. Casey Stoner (motorcycling)

That's four cricketers in the top 10, Gilly, McGrath and Waugh being the other three. They're also retired, so there's that interesting fact to consider. Aussies really do love the men of the glory days.

"Only popular for you, baby. One for the vitamins."

Australia Pull Up In England

If you're interested, David Hussey appears to have packed about half of the luggage his brother has, or about half of each of the senior members of the team. Ricky can't leave behind his blanky, it seems.

Mike Hussey is doing a lot of the talking, and most of the news outlets have jumped on his Ashes comments, being that England are a good team and so are Australia, etc. What you'd expect. He then goes on to talk about the World T20, and how he thinks Australia "have a good chance". Fat luck. If there's anything Australia's going to lose soon, it's going to be the World T20.

But amidst it all is a very confusing comment which I cannot even begin to understand:

"I'd be lying if I said the Ashes weren't at the back of our minds but we've got a different squad really for the Twenty20 so we are 100 percent focused on that at the moment."

He'd be lying if he said they weren't at the back of his mind? So they really are at the back of his mind? What a strangely worded comment.

something

I couldn't think of a title to this one, sorry. It's a bit of a nothing post anyway because I'm posting in a rush. I'm on the run, you see. Not from cops, just generally on the run. Busy, as they call it these days.

So if you were already missing me, be prepared for more heartache. I'm going to be a little quiet for today, but I'll probably be up and running by tomorrow afternoon. Aren't I just a great human being.

Some rather amusing stuff to take away the pain of losing me: just as Ricky Ponting comes out with comments that Freddie will be England's most important player in the Ashes, and that he'll "be keeping a close eye on him through the Twenty20s to see how fit and good he is", news arrives that in fact, Adil Rashid will be replacing Freddie during the World T20. So ner-ner, suck on that, etc, Ricky, England say. Looks like you won't be getting a chance to do that all too soon.

Also just checking on that SuperSport poll, it's starting to look really fucked up. While Albie is at 4%, putting him in equal fourth place, Johan Botha is steadily creeping up behind AB de Villiers like the mother in Psycho. JP has already been killed, and AB is next. Norman Bates, watch out. Your mother's a crazy bitch.

And because I never forget, the Michael Clarke Question of the Day for Esra (or should I refer to you by your real name you dirty rat?) because yes, there is now a question for you each day for as long as I can remember to do so or be bothered to do so. A self-proclaimed Clarke expert (actually, I may have heaped it on her, but so what), we're pitting Esra against the very best experts in the business, namely Ryan Campbell. Your pride is at stake, Esra. Do me proud. Here's today's question: What is unusual about the highest score Clarke has made in Test cricket? Think you can answer that one? As it turns out, I'm not going to give you hard questions to make you lose because I'd much rather you didn't. So most of the questions will be totally ridiculous. Answer without fear.

Alright, that's all. See you later, and maybe I'll be seeing an answer to that question later too. By the way, if anyone can guess which city I'm in (it's not Sydney), you get a special prize. Something to keep you entertained while I'm gone. And if you haven't cottoned on to exactly what this "prize" is, you will after a dozen more posts offering prizes but never quite delivering on any material goods.

Ricky Talks Ashes Line-Ups

He's being a bit of a bitch to Australia's lesser bowlers, but Ricky's got a point and it seems to be the right one. The World T20 won't have any impact on who gets picked for the first Test in Cardiff. From the training camp in Queensland, he surfaced to bring us this news:

"I don't think you can really take much out of form in Twenty20 cricket when you're looking at Test matches. We've got two tour games to play before the first Test and I think, to tell the truth, that will be our best chance to get a look at the likelihood of some of those guys playing in the first Test match."

Brett Lee is a little disappointed after his stint in the IPL. He did, after all, think he was a shoo-in for frontline bowler during the first Test, or at least I said so. No doubt if it comes to it, the selectors will end up picking him over Hilfy because they're just like that, but whether he can upstage Johnson, Clark or Siddle is a little unclear at the moment.

Also from the same magical training camp on the Sunshine Coast (doesn't that just make it sound more like a holiday?), Michael Clarke tells us how Lara won't be distracting him during the tour:

"Having my partner on tour is definitely not a distraction."

Sure. If I weren't such a bitch, I'd post a gratuitous Lara Bingle shot here, but then again I am a bitch so I won't. Oh alright, maybe I'm not that big of a bitch:



At least it takes the piss out of the highly "outrageous" tourism ad that screened in the UK. So very outrageous it was for the tea-drinkers:



Indeed. Where the bloody hell are you?

Wankers Posing With An Ashes Urn

Apart from talking about their feelings and getting relationship counselling, this is what Cricket Australia is making the boys do at the Ashes training camp. It's the obligatory shots, but oh-so-painful to look at:

Just because that's the best pose ever. His masculinity is overwhelming.

Check out the arm, friends. A wanker indeed.

A glorious model for your every need. Even Brett Lee isn't as pretty as that.

So very photogenic, that Ricky.

There's also a shot of Mitchell Johnson with both a replica urn and a cricket ball. How very formidable.

But perhaps the best one of all is our very own Andrew McDonald, who is not important enough to get the replica ashes urn. I laugh hysterically:

I guess even Cricket Australia don't really like him, despite having picked him for the squad.

For now, all I want is for England's players to be subjected to this same cruelty. It's not fair otherwise to divide the torment unequally.

"Isn't this the squad England wanted you to pick?"

I laughed. From SMH, a tale of an encounter between Ricky and a rather hilarious BBC correspondent:

When Australian captain Ricky Ponting addressed a packed media room at the SCG last week he was grilled at one point by a commentator from the BBC who thought the whole thing was funnier than a Monty Python skit. "Ricky," he said. "Isn't this the squad England wanted you to pick?" Ponting raised an eyebrow. He brushed him off, albeit politely, for supposedly talking nonsense. But the guffawing bloke from the BBC had a point.

The tense silence after the question had been asked would have been magical. Ricky's an expert at all that stuff.

But you gotta admit, no matter where your loyalties lie, that is pretty fucking funny.

Ricky on winning the Ashes

He really liked it.