Thursday, 11 June 2009

The first mention of DLF Maximums in the World T20

It really happened, and the man to do it was none other than the evil die AB. I'm not taking into account the nights I spent shouting "Hit a DLF Maximum you bloody arsehole" at the television because that was just the awe-inspiring ability of Lalit Modi to win me over with commercialism.

I didn't, really. I'd kill myself before I started calling a six a DLF Maximum and even then, there's a catch involved with that. Can you guess what it is? I'll tell you what it is. The catch is that I'd already be dead so I wouldn't have to DLF anything from my grave.

Funny joke, Amy, you say. I agree wholeheartedly.

I'm deliberately not talking about the matches won or lost in the tournament so far because it is of little importance in the grand scale of things. Even falafels are more important than Ireland setting themselves up as everyone's bitch, and I don't particularly care about falafels.

What was I saying? Right, it's die AB deciding to drag poor Albie's name through mud and link him to the horror that was DLF Maximums:
After the three-hour coach ride up the M1 motorway from London, we gathered at the hotel and recognised Albie Morkel’s birthday. He is now 28 years old, and let’s hope he celebrates a day late with one of his trademark bursts of strokeplay, boundaries and DLF maximums.

Oh, what? What is that? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's die AB bringing the IPL to its home-schooled cousin, the ICC World T20. And what's more, he's suggesting that Albie Morkel would commit the atrocious act of hitting a DLF Maximum and thus downgrade his own integrity while AB remains the good cricketer who only hit boundaries and sixes.

Putting the DLF Maximums aside, yes, I do hope Albie tries to knock Stuart Broad's bobblehead off. That would mean another player would be out injured, or in Broady's case, out headless. It appears any player with half a brain has decided this World T20 is not worth it so why not say "fuck it" and get yourself injured in order to avoid playing. Whether it be your groin or your Achilles tendon, everything's looking good for these smart cricketers. Judging by this rule, though, New Zealand are therefore the smartest team of all, so the accuracy of such claims needs to be revised.

In other news, this is the best headline ever. Becuase John Buchanan is so disgustingly evil that it hurts to look at him. And he really is going to work with the enemy. For everyone who thinks this is Buchanan spying on England for the Aussies, no it fucking isn't. It just isn't. Will you look at the slimy bastard? While England smugly find scraps of paper which just happen to be lying on the dressing room floor with Australia's Ashes secrets written on them, the Aussies have responded in the only way they possibly can, and that is to reject the English in any way possible. In this way, Derbyshire have "been successfully humiliated", according to an exclusive secret interview with Ricky Ponting. It's typical Ponting, mistaking a charitable offer from locals doing their small bit to save face for Australia in the face of their embarrassing defeat in the World T20 as a desperate attempt to absorb some of Australia's "glorious charisma" through osmosis during a one day match. Instead, Ponting hopes to do shit all in Leicester before the Ashes.

Today's matches:
New Zealand over Ireland.
England over AB.
Albie over England.
England over Jacques Kallis.
ROFL over England.

And here's to hoping, everyone's favourite Kiwi gets better. Actually, that all of them get better.
As a side note, I did something very evil in this post and I don't apologise for it at all as I continue in my production of anti-AB propaganda.

13 comments:

Stani Army said...

Ames, why do you hate AB Die-villiers? Seriously

The MG said...

Hmmm...do I sense a distint lack of AB's trademark enthusiasm in his comment on Albie's birthday? "Three-hour coach ride", "let's hope he celebrates a day late", not to mention "recognised Albie Morkel's birthday". I thought you celebrated birthdays and recognised deaths of important or close people. Did AB wear a black armband I wonder?

He was a lot more excited about Hashim's. Or maybe he's just excited by Hashim.

Anonymous said...

I tend to agree. AB doesn't like Albie.

raj said...

TMG, LOL. Albie must be pleased that the grand lord's chosen one recognised his birthday!

raj said...

TMG, LOL. Albie must be pleased that the grand lord's chosen one recognised his birthday!

raj said...

TMG, LOL. Albie must be pleased that the grand lord's chosen one recognised his birthday!

raj said...

TMG, LOL. Albie must be pleased that the grand lord's chosen one recognised his birthday!

Stani Army said...

You can say that again raj ;o)

Esra_Star said...

Such a bitch Stani! haha

What upsets me more about AB's Albie comments is this at the bottom of the blog: "That would do nicely." Pressure much? Say what you really mean AB, don't hide behind your fake niceness!

Stani Army said...

Just clowning around raj.

AB is a nice guy Es...I can tell.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps they've had a lover's tiff ;)

My favourite Kiwi is James Franklin, as it happens. I find his pipe-cleaner limbs and general resemblance to a character from Fraggle Rock when he's running around to be rather endearing.

-Heather

boncam said...

How could those bitches make Kallis the man of the match? Did I miss something? Helllllooooo!?! Parnell was the star. Kallis only succeeded in fucking up the NRR. (Down with Kallis, in with Morne.)What use was Smithy today? -Carrying ROFL to the wicket after his brilliant catch.

Amy said...

Stani, I hate him because I just do. We go back a long way, me and AB.

MG, AB's all too eager to celebrate everyone else's birthdays but all Albie gets is a sermon over a flowerbed.

Anon, do you mean in general too? I'd like to create a conspiracy theory out of that.

Raj, I agree.

Raj, I agree.

Raj, I agree.

Esra, sometimes it hurts knowing there are so many people out there who don't know AB's true character.

Heather, unfortunately, I don't. I'm a bit of a fan of the Italian, though, as you no doubt know.

Boncam, you can say the part about Kallis again.