Friday, 19 June 2009

South African Comedians

How I wish I'd been there to see it. If only I'd had the chance, I would probably have laughed a whole lot more than I currently am now.

That doesn't mean Cricinfo hasn't saved me, because the age of the internet has made everything far more convenient and lovely for situations exactly like mine. It was this one match, thankfully I'll be watching the second semi and the finals, but damn this would have been one to watch.

Nevertheless, South Africa... gee, they're a bunch of funny fuckers. At the moment, they're conflicted. Should they put it down to choking or give all credit to Pakistan? They're really only one path, because Graeme Smith has already said "South Africa are not chokers" and will you look at that? They are. They're fucking chokers. A bunch of the most hilarious, stupidly, chokingly hysterical chokers. Try saying that real fast ten times. For the record, South Africa are going to give all credit to Pakistan. At least that way, they can pretend they're not chokers. Which they are.

I mean, what do I even say? Afridi is just fucking awesome, when he gets going. And all I have is figures to work on. For once, Albie wasn't the most expensive bowler on the side. I am pleased, he's making progress. Take that Mickey, you stupid piece of shit. Now who's the fucking allrounder? It's Albie. Even though he didn't do anything this match, HIS BOWLING WASN'T TERRIBLE. That's a relief.

On the subject of Afridi, he is made all the more awesome for blowing a kiss in Jacques' face. Goddamn, I would have killed to see that. Don't get ahead of yourself. I would have killed an AB, nobody else.
HA FUCKING HA in die AB's face. Out for 1, a useless dick, just the way I like it. Catching doesn't count either just because I say so. There is a photo of AB getting out. It is the best ever:


Any bowler who can make that happen is among the best in the world. And others may say that in a different way to me, in a "look at AB de Villiers, HE'S SO FUCKING HARD TO GET OUT" kind of way, but I say no. Getting die AB's wicket makes your moral compass automatically straighten towards north and no matter what you do, it will never swing south again.

What bowler wouldn't want that?

And for anyone who says Albie failed to perform, fuck off, darlings. He was run out, the sweet diddums. AB was secretly orchestrating the entire thing from the sidelines, so you can't blame Albie. Just look at me, I should be his manager, I could invent excuses for Albie every day of the week. He also apparently tripped over thin air on a ROFL delivery. I apologise, that was just my spirit, on the ground beside Albie, having astral-projected myself to England to the centre of the hype. If you looked carefully, it really was an Amy-sized block of air Albie tripped over. Alternatively, you could support the theory that I am really Amy Satterthwaite, in England for the women's World T20. In that case, it was also me making him trip. Whatever it is, the point is that HE WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT, OKAY? Relative to Ireland.

So, well, that's it, bitches. In the spirit of Afridi, I say goodbye. Not really, I'm not going anywhere. I've had enough of going places, I'm staying right here for Friday night. At home, that is.

It's Afridi and he really likes it.

Of course, there's always Wayne Parnell cowering in the middle of the pitch and revealing to us he's really some sort of freakishly young looking WWII veteran. That, and he is NOT SOUTH AFRICAN:

"SUBJECTS OF BRITAIN, THE BOMB RAIDS HAVE BEGUN. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND MAYBE EVEN A FEW OF YOU TOO."

Boncam sends that last one in.

57 comments:

Albie Morkel said...

AMY I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO HAVE MY BABIES SO I CAN HAVE MY OWN HAREM OF WIVES LIKE A GOOD AFRIKAANS MAN SHOULD.

Amy said...

Thank you, Albie. I will consider that most interesting offer.

Prafs said...

Well, Fat prick Kallis made sure they got behind the run rate.
Its a pity the saffers had to go all the way to the semis to realise the mistake of selecting the fat prick.

P.S my blog is back at http://rightarmfast.blogspot.com/. blogrolled u already.
cheers

missjane said...

Those darn Saffers are hilarious!!

So we now have either Pak v SL (my pick) or Pak v WI ... either of which will be great! I am so going for Pakistan now, *even tho* they beat Ireland.

Hopefully this is not the bad sign it usually is for West Coast, whenever I pick them.

Amy said...

Prafs, hey, great to see you back. Everything turn out okay then? Added you to the blogroll.

MJ, you sure the latter doesn't have more to do with ability? Heh, just joking. I agree. Pakistan all the way. Wouldn't that just rub it in India's faces?

missjane said...

They're a developing side, ok??

And the ones that aren't developing are still trying to deal with this whole 'drug free culture' thing. It's a very difficult transition to make.

To be honest, I don't pick them much, but it does seem to be a curse. They SO should've beaten Richmond.

Anyway, OT, apologies.

Amy said...

Not at all. You could even say that 5 straight losses is a miraculous result, because the game before that was a win. But, you know... Melbourne.

Esra_Star said...

It was rather funny to watch & I did laugh pretty hard at AB's wicket.

If I was Mickey I would have sent Albs in instead of JP, or even ROFL. They just needed someone to put their foot down after Kallis & Smith were so fucking slow.

But at the end of the day, it was the Saffa's what else should have we expected?

missjane said...

Es, I expected SA woud choke in the final. Obviously they wanted the weekend off.

Amy - exactly! So we totally should have beaten Richmond. We held Geelong (albeit a coasting Geelong at first) to 20-ish points and it's not like Richmond were having a great day.

It's because I picked them, I tell you. And we were playing away. And the average age of the team was about 16.

At least I don't have to worry about them losing this weekend. :)

Prafs said...

nah, got a bit of an extension on the previous job, till the end of july.
couldn't quite keep myself from bagging the saffers for too long.

boncam said...

No comment

Esra_Star said...

MJ, I even thought they might win the final! Clearly gave them too much credit.

Oh and as a Geelong supporter the game against your boys had me worried for a while!

Silly point said...

AFL in this thread? Smith cost them the match - simply too fat. He can't bat, he can't field, he can't think and he's a poor loser. I also believe that it's hard for his teammates to respect him for his sexuality as others have pointed out.

Q said...

Here's the afridi kiss to kallis Amy, if u haven't seen it yet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djydfu25QpU

Dawid said...

Can you believe that AB failed? What an aberration. Smith's blog's up. He's making excuses AGAIN. He was very ungracious in defeat.

I think it is because he is fat. Fat people suffer from fatigue and lose their cool. He needs to be put on the fat farm to lose some weight and Kallis might join him.

Gibbs is too old. Boucher is too old.

Smith looked a big grumpy recently. Is he pissed off because Amy outed him on this blog. I bet he was trying to keep it under lock and key.

Anonymous said...

Pakistan was too good for S.Africa on the day and has a much better skipper and one who is fit. Afridi was awesome plus. Albie is the main hitter for S.Africa but was a dud again last night. Why could not he have done what Afridi did with his big reputation? He should have scored a 50 as well if he was any good.

Anonymous said...

SA CHOcKED AGAIN

missjane said...

AFL is about as relevant as GS' weight. Besides, you know what they say: it's all sport!! Well, you probably don't unless you're from Australia.

Thanks Es... it was a much more stressful game than I expected!

missjane said...

I'm sorry, I'm feeling really left out here: did I not get the group email that said, OK, everyone call Smith fat??

I'm with Amy; it's the uniform.

And possibly the English food - they do eat well at Lords.

boncam said...

Has anybody been to the SuperSport poll recently? Fuck that shit. I am voting for Parnell. The only one who stayed consistent. This young man deserves to get more votes.

Anonymous said...

Another disappointing tournament for South Africa. Why deny it, Smith is bloody fat? Time for him to get the sack. I don't think he should be made fun of for being gay which he can't help but he can help being so fat.

PAK said...

Gul is a gun. Pakistan outclassed SA, too much talent and firepower. Sa is dour and untalented and Smith gets it wrong most of the time. Younis captained so very very well.

Anonymous said...

And Pakistan is best and will win cup and gets it right when it counts and Sa chocked again

PAK said...

That was me again last comment about Sa chocking

J said...

Judging by the look on Smith's face last night, retirement is imminent I think Amy. He looked contented and resigned to defeat and has never been ambitious unlike Punter who'll go on until he drops. I predict Smith will give the game away which will allow Botha to step into the breach. Smith's waistline expanding is further proof that he doesn't give a fig anymore.

Anonymous said...

Any chance that Pakistan lost early to bump up their odds? Or SA lost last night to collect? You have to be suspicious. I reckon Smith could be on the take. Maybe he needs more money to buy more food.

Megan said...

Shit I forgot about the gambling angle. Smithgate? Retirement? Has he got a cute guy tucked away somewhere? So many rhetorical questions, so few answers.

Megan said...

P.S. It is always more interesting when SA chokes.

Anonymous said...

That pic of Wayne is priceless.

Mahek said...

Really long post but there was a bit that caught my eye.

a useless dick, just the way I like it.

Really???

Q said...

Amy, i told u I would have something that u will like very much - its here in case u haven't seen it yet :-)

http://www.wellpitched.com/2009/06/world-reacts-to-shahid-afridi.html

Anonymous said...

SA requires a man of steel to overcome the wobbles. Collingwood eventually got its flag but SA won't win until he dumps its fat captain. You need someone with backbone and character. Look no further than Botha who hurts in defeat and looks a man of steel. Smith has always lacked character and I agree Amy with you and the rest that he demonstrates his lack of commitment through his unprofessional attitude by not getting in shape. Ditto Kallis.

Amy said...

Prafs, well good for you. It's great to have you back. I hope things work out for you.

MJ, you could live off the food from a single lunch at Lord's. I wouldn't be surprised if the players (from every country, mind you) snuck a little out with themselves.

J, that's because Ricky is a crazy fucker who'll go mad after a loss and ho really hard at the next until he wins it.

Anon, don't say the 'm' word in front of South Africa. They go into hiding as soon as anyone mentions it.

Megan, is it the look on their faces as they realise they've fucked it up yet again? That's the best part for me.

Anon, I know, it's so bloody hilarious.

Mahek, hahahahaha. Oh god, I just laughed so hard.

Q, best thing ever, yeah.

Anon, Smith isn't the best of captains, that's for sure. Or the brightest. But I don't hate him anywhere near as much as others do. I don't hate him at all, I just take the piss out of him every so often.

ALL THE GRAEME SMITH FAT/GAY COMMENTERS: Hello.

Anonymous said...

I think Smith's IQ is below average. Punter is obviously the brightest but as Amy said is a bit mad at times. Smith lacks fire in the belly. Punter has too much of it.

Amy said...

In the end that drive gives Ponting the upper hand. So all credit to him, I suppose.

The MG said...

Mahek...is that you, MV?

If so - so very predictable that it was one particular sentence (or word) that jumped out at you ;)

Well, at least you make Amy laugh.

Mahek said...

Yep it's me alright, Meiko G. That comment should've been enough to give me away :D

The MG said...

Haha, your trademark ;)

The MG said...

And how dare you reveal my name on Amy's blog? I've spent ages trying to build up an aura of mystery and ... poof! Gone! Next you'll be telling them I'm a girl...oops!

:P

Megan said...

Amy is right, Punter has the drive, SA doesn't because its skipper is too accepting of defeat. Oz hurt when they lose. SA do not.

The MG said...

Aus better stop hurting when they lose, because they'll be suffering from chronic pain for the next year or two, going on their recent performances.

Mahek said...

Lol, I won't reveal it's actually you writing this blog and that the whole anti AB tirade here is just a ruse.

And enough with the Aussie bashing. Even they can't lose to a sorry-ass English side!

boncam said...

Some of the young players wept. I think Parnell was one of them. The guy put in everything. It is such a pitty. The youngsters really outshined the rest.

The MG said...

I dunno, at least England made the Super 8s. And I'll diss Australia all I like :P

Anonymous said...

Yep Parnell is a sook.

boncam said...

Anon, thats the future SA captain you're talking about.

If you want to make such uncultured comments, at least do it in good taste. Why is it so wrong for men to show their emotions. Why cant you just accept people the way they are? Dont criticize someone over something as ridiculous as that. Rather criticize them for their poor performances. It's the 21st century, mate.

There is nothing wrong with Wayne. He is a brilliant new young talent and still has a lot to learn. He has shown that he wants to play and wants to win. He gave it his all and was disappointed.

Ella said...

I think that Parnell crying is good for new age men but it also shows something of the instant gratification of today's youth. He expected success immediately while the likes of Boucher have suffered many disappointments yet were manful in defeat. Smith was the worst example for South Africans though, he looked as if he couldn't give a toss and you have to think that this announcement of having elbow surgery is to suggest and excuse. Time for Botha to replace him.

boncam said...

Oh,yes please. Botha is the man. Someone who can set an example.

The MG said...

Look, I have no problems with Parnell crying - he gave his all, and it wasn't his fault that they lost. At least he cared.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I tend to second the others, Smith looked like he didn't and he comes across as a nasty piece of work. He was also ungracious in defeat.

The MG said...

I dunno, he was pretty gracious in defeat as far as I heard in his speech.

Anonymous said...

I think Smith is an excuse merchant. Ungracious, unlike the Sri Lankan and Pakistanis who set a good example last night.

Anonymous said...

Yep, SA's reputation gets dragged through the mud because Smith's arrogance ensures that have no grace in victory. Well done to Sangakkara last night. What a gentleman. The ICC should censure Smith. Well done also to Younis for standing down after leading the side to a win.

Anonymous said...

Ha, someone said that Amy outed Smith on twitter.

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well to be honest with you I have not met or I do not know any South African comedians, but I can bet they are hilarious