Australia Pull Up In England

If you're interested, David Hussey appears to have packed about half of the luggage his brother has, or about half of each of the senior members of the team. Ricky can't leave behind his blanky, it seems.

Mike Hussey is doing a lot of the talking, and most of the news outlets have jumped on his Ashes comments, being that England are a good team and so are Australia, etc. What you'd expect. He then goes on to talk about the World T20, and how he thinks Australia "have a good chance". Fat luck. If there's anything Australia's going to lose soon, it's going to be the World T20.

But amidst it all is a very confusing comment which I cannot even begin to understand:

"I'd be lying if I said the Ashes weren't at the back of our minds but we've got a different squad really for the Twenty20 so we are 100 percent focused on that at the moment."

He'd be lying if he said they weren't at the back of his mind? So they really are at the back of his mind? What a strangely worded comment.

Blue Moon

Once you'd watched the first few overs of KKR batting, you'd have thought they were up to their usual tricks. You know, "sacrificing" their game for the good of the other teams, giving the other teams an easy win to help them on their way to the top. In fact, I was all too ready to pass a motion to have someone put KKR out of their misery.

I'd forgotten about Dave Hussey. He'd come back from the series against Pakistan and if there was one person who could literally change the course of the game it was him, no joke. And he did, looking quite pissed off when he got out. I would too.

Baz batted out the whole 20 overs. How's that for anchoring? He also seemed to be smiling an awful lot which can't be a good sign when someone like Brad Hodge mysteriously goes missing. Not that I'm complaining, but I wouldn't be surprised if Baz finally cracked and minced someone up for breakfast, namely Hodge.

Ishant Sharma has had an attack of the voodoo and has taped over the number and name on his shirt. What the fuck? Is there something I'm missing out on because that is weird as shit and also kind of creepy. It's as though he sat at his table manically taping over the number, rocking back and forth on his chair. Maybe his Adam's apple mutated and became an evil person of its own, or maybe it possessed Ishant. You never know with these Adam's apples.

And if I ever have to listen to Ramiz, Siva and Danny Morrison for ONE MORE MATCH, I will kill myself. It was enough to make me change the channel and watch an inane comedy about a call centre in Mumbai with Sanjeev Bhaskar of Kumars fame, which really wasn't that good but was certainly a welcome relief from Siva's slide antics and all the Danny Morrison fat jokes.

Interview With Michael Clarke

Catching up with Michael Clarke over a chai latte at a rather wanky café named “Soul Refresh”, chosen as the place of our meeting at the express request of Michael. Below is an audio recording of the interview:

“Hi, sorry I’m late, I was just having…”

“No worries, I wasn’t waiting for—”

“…Another shopping trip with Lara, you don’t know how she gets when my credit card is readily on offer. I come back from a tour, and I look at my credit card statement and it’s just like, “Money, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?”

“….”

“It was a… joke, you know the ad…”

“…Yeah.”

“Lara says that if people are going to joke about it, we should get into the act too. Subverting the negative cycle, I think is what it’s called. Some “Positive Thinking and You” book Lara gave me for Christmas. She has a matching one. Sometimes we read it to each other over the phone when she’s feeling lonely, the chapter about how long distance relationships are like runt pigs and how they require nurturing….”

“….”

“It’s quite helpful.”

“…”

“Do you want anything?”

“Oh, no I’ve already ordered.”

“Good, could you order for me too? An iced tea, exactly 3 ice-cubes. That’s another thing Lara’s gotten me into. Feng-shui involving food, it’s a Western take on the Asian movement. Ensuring your ingredients are in the correct spiritual proportions to strengthen the bond of ying yang. Very interesting, I think Ellen does it.”

“…Right. Well…”

“Excuse me, hi. An iced tea thanks, on her tab.”

“…”

“Oh, sorry. You don’t mind, do you? I’ve just donated my last year’s earnings to the Liposuction Foundation. Very good cause, they helped Lara with some weight issues when she was eight years old… We don’t talk about it much, but… Anyway, so that’s where my money has gone, and Lara’s taken my credit cards hostage since we got engaged…”

“It’s fine. Can we talk…”

“Cricket? Yeah, sure. Bring it on, or as Lara likes to say, “Involve me in a deep verbal spiritual cleansing”. Quite nice, those phrases we’ve picked up from Positive Thinking and You. Sometimes we try having conversations about the Discussion Topics at the end of the book. They’re supposed to make you a whole person, both mentally and emotionally. In fact, we just had a discussion on existentialism, me and Lara. A bit confusing, I don’t think either of us knew what it was, but we gave it our best shot, and that is the true key to spiritual success as
B. Sohappy, the author of the book, says.”

“…”

“Yes… I do think the book has changed my life in many ways.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. Just quickly on the topic of your recent series win against Pakistan—”

“Good win it was too. I was just talking to Lara about it, actually… what’s wrong? You seem unhappy.”

“…Not at all. You were saying? About the win...”

“Ah look, I can’t gloat, but let’s look at the facts, yeah? No Ricky, no Mitch, no Huss, and no decent fucking spinner either. Except me. I was a bit worried about it, seeing as we’d just, you know…”

“Lost the one day series against South Africa?”

“Two in a row, yeah. So I did what I usually do, I hopped on the phone with Lara and we both skipped to the chapter of Positive Thinking and You where it talks about facing new challenges and she read this very interesting paragraph about how rising to the occasion required the 3 Ps. Passion, Persistence and Pomegranate—that’s a soul-cleansing food by the way, the book says. One of the 3 core detox fruits: pomegranate, mangosteen and strawberry. On that topic, I’d actually accredit some of my success against Pakistan to a new strawberry body butter Lara gave me. It’s soft and nourishing for your skin, and I actually squeezed out pomegranate juice on my hands—took a long time, I’ll tell you—and rubbed the strawberry body butter over the top. It healed up my calluses in no time and I played with the softest hands ever. Good for picking up lots of quick singles.”

“Oh… alright.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell Huss when I got back. You know, try some of this body butter and you’ll be Mr. Cricket again in no time. Although, to be honest, I don’t know if that’s really possible, it seems to be a permanent slump. I’m considering leaving his general circles.
B. Sohappy says associating with failures is often enough to reverse your positive thinking processes. Cause you to fail as well.”

“Does this mean the team is unhappy with Mike Hussey’s performances?”

“Ah look, I wouldn’t put it like that. But the concept of Western feng shui argues that the position of people in relation to each other is equally as important as the position of furniture. If I’m always facing Huss, and Mitch is shining his glory on Punter at the back, who’s going to benefit? I’m just saying that maybe it would be better if Huss stopped hanging out with us and maybe became a part of the spinners’ group. They’re all in similar situations, that’s all. Davo can stay with us, we don’t have anything against him. But I’ve been chatting to Ricky and he agrees with me.”

“On a similar subject, do you think there was a real difference in your captaincy as compared to Ricky’s?”

“Positive Thinking and You recommends you don’t say things like that. I do think there was a difference, yes, because I like to focus on the results. Now if you look at the results, clearly there’s a better captain out of the two of us. I’ve won 100% of my one day series as captain, and Ricky’s record is abysmal in comparison. It’s all a matter of relativity B. Sohappy argues.”

“What would you say contributed to your success in the series? You were one down at the start, but—”

“It was good when we caught the chucker. I think that was a real turning point for me as a captain and for our team in general. Shane did something Positive Thinking and You calls “deconstruction and simplification of the hurdle”—basically breaking down the opposition and revealing their undies. That’s what we did to Pakistan. We stripped them naked and exposed them to everyone. It changed the nature of our game because we saw just how small they really were.”

“Figuratively...?”

“And literally. But the biggest factor of all was probably my interpretative and analytical work as captain. I worked on the “round model theory” that’s outlined in Positive Thinking and You. It basically involves bringing all aspects of your life to the game, and I found we’d been missing out on the most important thing of all.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“What was it?”

“My dreams. B. Sohappy does talk about vision for the future and dreaming big, but I found a whole new meaning for it while in UAE. There was an interesting dramatisation of the works of Sigmund Freud on television. I didn’t understand it, but he seemed quite clever so I googled him and I discovered that my dreams were the missing element in our gameplan.”

“…How so?”

“Well, for example, if I have a dream that a cow is trying to jump over the moon but just can’t make it, and then that cow morphs into Roy fishing stars with the man on the moon, I can go in the next day and issue a notice that all fishing is hereby banned. And as it turned out, I did exactly that while we were in Abu Dhabi. I think Roy was planning to fish for rubbish with a conman who’s told him there was gold hidden in piles of rubbish on the streets. That same day he played for us and hit 10 runs. 10 runs he would never have hit if he’s gone fishing. But at the same time, it’s still only 10 runs, and that’s symbolic of the cow trying to jump over the moon but just not making it. So I talked this over with Roy and I asked him whether he felt like a cow. Turns out he actually did. We had a long discussion, and just look, he’s gone to South Africa and hit a half century first try. It’s the little things like this which count when you’re captain.”

“…”

“…”

“…Oh! Will you look at the time? Terribly sorry, but I have to go. Nice meeting you anyway.”

“No, that’s okay. I have to go too. Lara’s waiting for me at the jewellery store to pick out a new engagement ring. She likes to update it every month.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Yeah, first she shaves my hair off and then she takes my money. I grew that hair for years. That stupid… bitch. Thanks for the iced tea by the way. It was delicious.”

“Yes.”

“Very delicious, the 3 ice-cubes did the trick.”

“…”

End of recording.

No IPL for Watson

I am somewhat disappointed. Shane Watson has yet another injury, this time a groin injury he got during the T20 against Pakistan. Quick, someone bubble wrap him before his porcelain features are shattered.

Not that Rajasthan needed him, of course. They're already at 11 points in the tournament, level with Chennai (but severely lacking in NRR). And to be honest, if Shane came back, Rajasthan would only be more likely to win the competition, when there's really only one team that should.

James Hopes and Nathan Bracken, he of the Golden Locks, will also miss out on the IPL cash bonanza. Punjab might care a little, but I'm sure nobody gives a shit about Bracken. They both have knee problems.

Fear not, because Brett Lee's also back, although he probably won't do much either. More important is the entry of David Hussey for KKR. If he gets picked, there's sure to be some fireworks. Too bad he's with the losing team, because no amount of magic by Dave could do anything to lift Kolkata above last place in the tournament. Maybe he could just get some batting practice in, you know, batting under pressure. It's better than practising in the nets.

Andrew Symonds will also join the ranks of the Deccan Chargers, reigniting his love affair with Gilly. I am excited.

Rumour is, Nathan Bracken has issued an ultimatum that if he's not declared fit to play in the IPL, he's going to go play for the women's team. Good luck with that, Bracks.

Interview With Delusional Ricky Ponting

I just happened to catch the last 10 minutes of a who-knows-how-long interview with Ricky on WWOS. Slats was firing some questions sent in from viewers, and Ricky answered them. There were a few amusing things he said.

On why Phil Hughes isn't in Australia's ODI side:

"I think he's more suited to Test cricket. Besides, our one day side is at full strength, with Shaun Marsh, obviously he's gotten an injury so he can't play, Shane Watson, Andrew Symonds, Michael Clarke, the Two Husseys..."

Full strength? And the two husseys or the two hussies? It sounded funny at the time.

On why Australia appears to lack decent spinners:

"The lack of spinners in Australia is really due to the wickets in Australia. They're not suited to spinners so we don't have that many. Spinners are finding it hard to play on Australian wickets."

That is the best excuse anyone could ever come up with. Ricky Ponting, you stupid bastard, you are a genius at inventing excuses. It's very much like the English team. Quick, blame the loss on the wicket! Punter's learnt something from our enemies, it seems. I wonder how we produced the best legspinner in history on such wickets.

On the WAG training camp:

"I think it's terrific... But my wife was horrified to read in newspapers that people think our wives and girlfriends need counselling."

It's funny because as Ponting was speaking, they cut to a montage of various Aussie cricketers with their wives and girlfriends, including Lara Bingle looking much like a vampire as usual.

When asked whether Australia is a "good side or a great side":

"I think... a good side."

Hahaha, great way to round it off.

And Ponting also reckons they'll go for a spinner in their Ashes XI. The question is, who will it be?

"NO GOOD SPIN WICKETS IN AUSTRALIA."

Australian Innings

Seeing as I'm already on, I might as well comment. Australia are possessed. They want to win, dammit. Will you look at Haddin and Clarke go! 30 in 5 overs, run rate of 6. That's close to what they need to win.

The crowd is hilarious. They're a little scared of the Aussies scoring boundaries.

The Aussies have slowed down a lot, and the run rate creeps up close to 7. I guess they just don't want this as badly as South Africa wanted that 438 match.

Remember the days when watching Australia play didn't give you a general sense of helplessness? I'm not entirely disloyal to my team. I can sympathise with the relatively pathetic opening pair of Clarke and Haddin.

Terribly slow over rates are either real or an illusion. Real ones involve deliberate slowness on the bowler's part. Illusions involve the batting side being indescribably boring and thus contributing to the perception the game is moving slowly. This is one of those times when it's an illusion.

Hey, Haddin hit a six. Well done, shithead.

PARNELL IS BEING ANNIHILATED. Well, no he isn't. I just wanted to say something with passion.

Australia is 78/0. Oh fuck. That just crept up on the saffas.

Is South Africa serious? GET A FUCKING WICKET AND BREAK THE MOMENTUM. Jacques Kallis is being hit for 9 an over and he's the containing bowler.

Oh, fuck. Again. Albie's bowling. I don't want to watch this.

Albie was nudged away for singles. 5 runs off the over. Kallis comes in, nearly gets hits for a boundary.

Haddin just hit a six off Botha. Seriously crazy shit, people. Oh, fucking hell, he hit TWO CONSECUTIVE SIXES. That brings up Haddin's 50. Australia are a little ahead of the required run rate. Do you see that vision, SA? THAT IS THE IMAGE OF YOU LOSING.

Jesus Christ, take a goddamn wicket or I'm killing the lot of you. As a side note, to the person who wanted to find "johnty rhodes taking stunning catches -images", you'll only find Sybrand Engelbrecht here. Sorry.

Duminy, I was counting on you to get that run out. I am disappointed.

ROFL is in. This guy can get wickets. Excellent.

Oh Haddin, you bastard. Thus begins the batsman's tirade against Albie Morkel.

Albie "only" went for 7 runs. I can't believe that's a good thing. Suddenly, an Aussie win is looking very achievable if not likely.

Time to reach for a drink for my overnight vigil. That feeling from earlier today is starting to come back. I feel drugged, not that I am, of course. Actually, that reminds me. Afrikaans speakers! Please help with a translation. You will receive much love in return for your services. Danke.

OH THANK FUCKING GOD. Haddin's out. I barely breathe a sigh of relief. Bring Albie on for Ricky Ponting! A ball swinging into him early on is going to rip him apart. Induce an edge. Or lbw. Take his goddamn wicket, Albie.

Bye Clarke. It was nice knowing you, dickhead. Why did you have to perform well today? Another 50 for Australia's scorecard.

The Echidna's up and I actually want him to do well. At this stage, if Australia win, I won't oppose it. It will have been a deserving win, especially when you have two openers who generally lack stability. On a ground where 230ish is the average score, chasing 300+ is an impressive feat.

Spoke too soon. Ferguson's out on 3. ROFL takes another wicket.

Mike Hussey, still as awkward as ever. Will get out soon. Oh wait, he just got out. Snap. ROFL, you are some sort of miracle. SA will win easily from here. RR of 7.47 required from here on in. Australia are going at under 6, and even slower after losing those wickets recently.

If I were the Aussie team, the one thing I'd be doing is going all out now. There's nothing left to lose. The required RR is over 8, so you attempt to T20 your way to the end. Dave Hussey's there, he can slog it. Punter's always great with the bat. Do something, goddammit.

Hi Albie. Take Ponting's wicket, seeing as you were so shit with the bat. You still know how to play cricket, right? You're an all-rounder, right? So take this wicket.

Johan Botha was smashed for sixes and fours several times, yet his economy rate is still below 5. Amazing.

Someone knock out Ricky Ponting. At least that would be more interesting than the bullshit we're having to put up with now. This is almost slower than Test cricket, and they're supposedly "chasing" a high score.

Dave hits two consecutive boundaries. Not very interesting, but I'll take what I get. I feel like I've been forcibly sedated at it's the fault of the Aussie team. Still another 15 overs to go. I need to see the result, but it's almost a chore now.

THAT WOKE ME RIGHT UP. Steyn boom Davo. Whatever that means. He's out. Maybe they can bowl the entire team out before the 50 overs and we all get an early break. But Mitch is coming up and I bet he still fancies himself a batsman. He'll try to put up a stand. Mitchbitch. That's nowhere near as funny as it sounds in my head. Delusional.

Ricky Ponting is heading for the stupidest 50 ever.

Albie has bowled 3 overs. That's nothing. ROFL's apparently the team's best all-rounder. I don't even have the energy to conjure up some displeasure at this. When will Australia put us out of our misery?

Take your goddamn powerplay, Australia. I hate you for boring me to death. Now hit some sixes or I'll crush you with my iron fist.

ROFL will be Man of the Match. He just texted me to say he thinks he has a really good chance of getting it. I told him I know he'll get it.

Stop pretending you're trying to save the match, Ponting. It's very unappealing. If you wanted to save the match, you would have started a long time ago. Fucking bastard. How is 45 off 64 balls going to get you a match win?

Okay well, I have to admit, those boundaries were entertaining. Maybe if Ponting had done that a while back...

FUCK YES, YOU TAKE THOSE CATCHES, ALBIE. Brilliant, bring down Punter. If not by bowling, then by catching. Steyn's horror over takes a turn to the bright side. Beautiful catch. I bet AB's jealous. Secretly plotting his revenge with a better catch.

Albie's bowling. Get Mitch's wicket. Vengeance is yours.

Parnell's having a shocker of a day. It's hard not to feel sorry for him. But then again, he did orchestrate the destruction of the Aussie team in that ODI match, so maybe it's just natural order trying to even things up a little.

The only person out of these two teams who could lead his side to a victory when they need 75 off 42 balls is Albie Morkel. Unfortunately for the Aussies, he's on the South African team and therefore of no help to them.

JOHNSON IS GONE. Deja vu, Mitch, only now your positions are REVERSED. Albie bowls a great yorker to take out his arch nemesis and repay the kindness of getting out. Thank god he got a wicket. Otherwise, his contribution to the match would have been a shit 3 runs.

I wonder, if Morne Morkel were here, how many wickets would he have taken? Alongside a dozen no balls.

Parnell finally takes a wicket. He needed that one, and it's of Hopes, who's out on 31. Gibbs takes the catch, he's always a good fielder. Parnell gets to feel a little better about being belted about previously.

Steyn gets Hauritz as Hauritz misses the ball completely. And comically. Bowled on 3.

Harwood out on a duck. Steyn picks up another wicket, cleaning up the tailenders. Nathan Bracken, meanwhile, is still on 0. Not out. Brilliant.

Australia bowled out for 256 after 45.5 overs, South Africa win by 61 runs.

Pretty comprehensive victory. Australia didn't even really try after Haddin and Clarke set them up for a chance of success. Australia have now lost the series, South Africa have completely dominated the home and away ODI series, winning 7 out of 9 played so far. You can't deny them today's victory either. They posted a good total, and Australia failed to respond adequately, unfortunately.

ROFL took 3/46. Reckon he'll be MoM.
Albie took 1/25, which isn't bad when you consider Parnell's 1/64.
Dale Steyn 4/44, Botha 1/48, Kallis 0/25.

Man of the Match is Herschelle Gibbs. A little surprising because I thought ROFL would snag it, but he's not undeserving. His 110 set up SA for their lead. Good job.


That’s all for tonight. I’m off. Watch out later for Yusuf Pathan and an interview with AB & Andre Nel. Exciting stuff.

Bingo, Clarke is Out (Accidental Live-Blogging)

Up goes the finger, Ntini strikes early, Duminy takes an easy catch at second slip, and Clarke is out in the second over, leaving them at 2/1. Ponting walks out looking Punterish. He won the fucking toss, didn't he? Now why is this happening? After the match he will take a leaf out of Katich's book and choke Clarke to teach him a lesson.

Ding dong, the witch is dead.

Callum Ferguson is playing today, hopefully looking less like an echidna than before. Ben Laughlin, a quick, is debuting. Nathan Hauritz is in, Nathan Bracken is still sporting annoying hair.

Morne Morkel's into the attack. I think I see a tear in his eye, and a hard glare at Albie. Bitter, much?

AHHH ALBIE AND MORNE ARE BOWLING FROM OPPOSITE ENDS.
I don't know why this is significant or worthy of caps, but it just is. Ntini may have hurt his hand fielding a ball off his own bowling. Serves you right for interfering with the Will Of The Batsman. Not really.

Haha, Albie's economy rate is better than Morne's. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm being petty.

I just realised what I am doing. This cannot go on for much longer. I need sleep. I have a life to attend to tomorrow, or today actually. Seems it's past midnight.

Albie is going for 6 runs an over. Morne's going for a bit more than 4.

Oh fuck Albie, you stupid prick. First you bowl a shocker of a no ball, then bowl a ridiculous length which allows Haddin to get six, then you top it off with a wide. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. I'm not trying to pimp you out on AB's website for nothing, you know.

Albie's horror over: 17 runs.
1,1,6,1,2,1,4

Oh thank god, Ponting's out. Morne was bowling, Ponting tried to get it over mid-on, and Albie took the catch. What happened, Albie? Are your hands suddenly working now? I wonder why Albie even caught the ball and didn't sabotage Morne. I would do that for fun.

David Hussey's been promoted one up the order in supposedly dire circumstances, replacing his brother. Not a particularly bold move.

Albie taken out of the attack and Botha put in. Never thought I'd say this, but thank god. That last over was almost painful to watch.

Something interesting better happen in the next 2 minutes or I'm killing myself. If this was a T20 match, the first innings would be over right now.

Hello again Albie. Try bowling well this time.

HAHAHA, I'm sorry, I knew there was a reason I backed you. Albie bowls the ball that takes a hilarious wicket. David Hussey gets run out when Haddin decides he'd rather not run. AB is a team player and a man of God, so he pegs the ball at Albie, who breaks the stumps. Unfortunately, AB gets credited with this run out, I am sure.

ANOTHER RUN OUT! It's Haddin this time, although Michael Hussey hit the ball. They get one run, Haddin comes back for more, Albie throws the ball to Boucher, stumped. Excellent. Also, Albie gets the credit for this one. Too bad, AB. Looks like you can't beat the real star.

Callum Ferguson comes in and pushes down his spiky hair determinedly with his helmet. He won't let his echidna genes get in the way of saving Australia from their current position of 115/4.

By the way Albie, I'm never doubting you again. Never. Not that I ever did, of course. But 17 runs off one over when I'm in a delirious state of mind is not good.

Microsleep...

Mike Hussey revises Test average hopes

The man who averaged an amazing 86.18 after 18 Test matches has slumped to 55.29 after 37 tests. Now, 55.29 is not exactly a figure you'd associate with a "slump" but for Michael Hussey, this really is a slump. When he gets hit, he gets hit hard.

An exclusively short interview with Amy S:
Mike: I used to secretly think that I could be as good as the Don. I mean, everyone was calling me Mr. Cricket and whatnot. Do you know who gave me that nickname? Do you?
Amy: Andrew Flintoff?
Mike: Yeah. So tell me, is an average of 100 impossible when you've been branded Mr. Cricket by the only decent English* cricketer?It's not as though my hopes were unrealistic.
Amy: Do you still feel the same way?
*LONG PAUSE*
Mike: I'm perfectly happy to average 50+.

* Note: English refers to genuine born and bred in England cricketers, although we're willing to be flexible about birthplace. The point is, no Safricans, okay?

Sadly, the 33 year old appears to be outshined by his younger brother David (31). Take the first T20 for comparison: David hits 88 off 44 balls and takes 2 wickets. Mike, meanwhile, gets run out for a duck, and no, Sybrand wasn't throwing the ball.
In the second T20, Mike was "rested". David played for 27 runs.

Getting out of the sibling comparisons, Michael Hussey averaged 19.72 runs against South Africa. That is a poor result, and even those runs weren't taken freely. It was almost painful to watch him struggle through matches.

David, the brother who got the short end of the genes stick, also commented on his brother's recent performances:

“It’s very disappointing for Mike. He’s not going through the easiest time with the bat.”

No shit. We hadn't noticed.

So, rested for the last T20, and without a decent overall performance this summer. Mike Hussey's still in all the squads, but the selectors can only go so far/wait so long/have so much faith before they consider the dreaded prospect of being dropped. It's too bad, really, because Mike's a top bloke. Expect the next post to be about that.

ALBIE GLOATS

While he may have the name of a 2 year old, Albie Morkel has shown the world that he's the major reason South Africa have success in T20. And ODI to an extent. He was the sole cricketer to power SA to No. 1 in the ODI rankings, after a fabulous go at it in Australia. And then in T20, he regularly pulverises the opposition and is just plain awesome. There's a reason I'm rooting for this guy.
Oh, that last sentence was funny. I'm getting all flustered now.

While David Hussey may have been the star of the match, hitting 88 off 44 balls (told you he wants his bro's place in the test side), Albie was the definite SUPERSTAR of the SA side. He hit 39 off 17 balls, which is almost a strike rate of 200, before getting out to Johnson, who only hit 10 runs in his time on the field. Looks like somebody's not an all-rounder. Victory for Amy S!

Albie smashed 2 sixes, second only to Dave Hussey's 6 sixes (extraordinary innings), and battered poor James Hopes, who, by the end of his last over, wasn't feeling very hopeful. That's how powerful Albie is. He can made you stop living up to your name, no joke.

"What's that? A six? Not as good as my last one."

When South Africa was in trouble, chasing a score of 166, Albie teamed up with Boucher (full credit to him also, 36 runs to win the match) to give SA the edge over Australia and beat them by 4 wickets, with 4 balls to spare. Phew. Close call. I'm sure if Albie hadn't gotten out, they would have gotten there even faster. In the end, though, Albie was content with scoring the most runs on his side. Take that, Boucher!

Albie also took Ricky Ponting's wicket, as I had predicted, getting him out on 1. HAHAHA.

"Fuck, I'm awesome. Tell me I'm awesome."

Michael Hussey was run out for a duck. Although Albie wasn't the one bowling, it seems half of my prediction came true. I should start betting. Warnie tells me it's quite lucrative.

Duminy had a knock too, but was out on 21, giving Hopes his only happiness for the entire match. Amla had a surprise 26, before he gave Hussey the first of his three wickets. Funnily enough, AB de Villiers was out on 7, falling victim to Brett Geeves (total of 2 wickets, did not bat). AB was later heard in a press conference, speaking of his performance:

"Yes, next time I will perform better and beat Albie Morkel."

Poor Vaughn van Jaarsveld, my best friend ever, was out on 3, bowled by Hussey. I am not disappointed, as he is definitely talented. Rather, I am angry David Hussey was given the ball. What an overachiever. You don't pick on the little kids in the competition, Davo. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU DID.

On the Australian side, David Warner hit at entertaining 38, and the rest of the batsmen folded like paper under the SA bowling attack. Wayne Parnell, soon-to-be superstar, picked up 2 wickets, bowling both Clarke and Johnson out. Excellent. Getting those two out gives Parnell a gold star.

Robin Peterson picked up 2 wickets in 1 over, which people should be talking about, because that's pretty darn good. The ones to go were Warner and Haddin, but he also bowled the ball in that same over that got Michael Hussey run out.

Haddin was also out for a duck, caught by none other than Albie Morkel, taking an entirely unspectacular catch at long-off. Still, I had to mention it to reinforce his amazingness. We will be seeing more of him in the future, folks, and when he retires he will write a mindblowing autobiography about growing up during apartheid and the cricketing world post-isolation. He will then discover the secret to cold fusion and win a Nobel Prize for this, all in a day's work. And that's not it. Albie Morkel will outshine Morne for his entire life, then write articles for a prominent newspaper dissecting the faults in Morne, which will drive his younger brother to suicide, making Albie even more famous. And the cycle will continue until Albie dies and is posthumously presented with The Order of the Supreme Companion of OR Tambo Award, which is, as you already know, the highest award of recognition in South Africa. Albie will be buried alongside a cricket bat, and I will sing Eleanor Rigby at his funeral. It was always his favourite song.

Meanwhile, in the here and now, South Africa have won the first of the T20s. They are back on the rise, Australia. Oh yes they are. Interestingly, the Aussies gave away 12 extras, compared to SA's 6. With SA scraping over the line with 4 balls to spare, what would have been the difference if Australia had not given away those 6 additional extras? The outcome of the match might have been different.

However, SA won, so ALBIE WINS. Score!