To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:
Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.
We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.
And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.
At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.
In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.
Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.
Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.
Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.
In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.
So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.
Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.
Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.
Showing posts with label Simon Katich. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Simon Katich. Show all posts
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Ashes Squad
What do I say about Ronald? So there he was, gorging himself on Happy Meal after Happy Meal, waiting by the phone to be told he wasn't in the squad, and that Andrew Symonds would be the lucky man.
But then he reached for the toy in his Happy Meal (several of them, in fact) and found a plastic four-leaf clover instead. It was Irish week at McDonald's and today Andrew McDonald would be the luckiest man alive in Australia.
The squad: Ricky Ponting, Michael Clarke, Stuart Clark, Brad Haddin, Nathan Hauritz, Ben Hilfenhaus, Phillip Hughes, Michael Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Simon Katich, Brett Lee, Graham Manou, Andrew McDonald, Marcus North, Peter Siddle, Shane Watson.
Most of those are expected, because as I said earlier, it was only the allrounders we were particularly concerned about. The battle for those two spots was narrowed down from three to, well... two.
And in the midst of it all, McDonald's performances "speak for themselves". He outplayed Andrew Symonds for this spot, will you look at that.
That's not to say he'll be in the starting XI. In fact, I don't even think he'll be in the starting XI. Johnson, Siddle, Hauritz and Clark seems about right, with neither Watson nor McDonald making it into the side. Even then, Australia still have Hilfy in their reserves, not to mention Brett Lee, who's hoping he'll be opening the bowling for the first match. A bit hit or miss, in my books.
Altogether, it's an expected side. Symonds will likely be wondering how someone like McDonald could vie for the same spot as him, and then go on to actually make it. Shane Watson, meanwhile, has been included in the squad alongside a grain of salt. He's only in if he's fit, and they'll be watching his injury pretty carefully.
Katich is going to be on the hunt for glory, after a few misfires in previous Ashes series. He is man, hear him roar.
Apparently there's 50 days to go, if you hadn't already noticed.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Oh, the drama
The Ashes squad is to be announced tomorrow. The players are going to be dutifully waiting for the phone call which will determine the outcome of their life. Really, truly. It's that important if you're keen to blow it out of proportion as I often do.
It's mostly only the allrounder spots that are in contention, the rest seems pretty clear cut. Or at least, enough to make a likely decision about which players should be named in the touring squad. Personally, I think that Andrew Symonds might not make the cut this time, but if I were picking the team, I'd probably have him in the mix because he has proven in the past he can be an influential player.
Our spin bowling is still looking weak, and it will remain weak for the entire series. And this is while we're hearing news that the English are probably going to be preparing wickets with enough turn in them to sufficiently assist spinners. Oh dear. I don't particularly fear for our pace bowlng attack, but when it comes to spin, you could hardly call it an "attack", could you? It's more like a one-person tobogganer trying to make their way down a steep mountain.
Apparently our openers have been getting chummy lately. It's good to hear Katich can be friendly with someone on the team, although I think it does help that Hughes is not a pansy like dear old Pup. He smokes in the outfield, you know. Clarke would never do that.
It's mostly only the allrounder spots that are in contention, the rest seems pretty clear cut. Or at least, enough to make a likely decision about which players should be named in the touring squad. Personally, I think that Andrew Symonds might not make the cut this time, but if I were picking the team, I'd probably have him in the mix because he has proven in the past he can be an influential player.
Our spin bowling is still looking weak, and it will remain weak for the entire series. And this is while we're hearing news that the English are probably going to be preparing wickets with enough turn in them to sufficiently assist spinners. Oh dear. I don't particularly fear for our pace bowlng attack, but when it comes to spin, you could hardly call it an "attack", could you? It's more like a one-person tobogganer trying to make their way down a steep mountain.
Apparently our openers have been getting chummy lately. It's good to hear Katich can be friendly with someone on the team, although I think it does help that Hughes is not a pansy like dear old Pup. He smokes in the outfield, you know. Clarke would never do that.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
The Binga Mails
22/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.
24/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. And I'd bowl better than Bryce. LOL. Alright see you on TV.
27/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Mate you wont believe the emails Binga has been sending me the past week. I reckon he wants to be back in the side for these Tests. When we're already winning and kicking those saffer asses. Forwarding his emails to you...
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. Alright see you on TV. LOL.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: Catch a load of this
Email: Binga's gone mental and is desperate to be back in the side. HAHA! Thought you'd want to see what the little cunt was sending me. I've already forwarded the emails to Mitch, thought I'd sent them to you too. But forget sending them to Gilly, we still have to punish him for walking all the time. We missed you for a bit mate, but then we got Phil. Anyway, have to go kick more saffer butt.
30/03/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Catch a load of this
Email: I just called the idiot up and told him I thought he had a good chance of making it back on the team in April sometime. He must be gelling his hair already. And I've been too busy to watch the matches, but I did see Hughes hitting the ball a few times. Don't want to say too much in case he reads this email but let's just say I could do better even at this age. Oh well, your loss.
30/03/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Tell him you'll have a chat to the selectors. Then don't. Binga could never hit the almost-centuries that I can, could he?
31/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Hows it going Punter?
Email: Almost been a week since me last email. You haven't replied to any. What's going on? I can understand if you're too busy. Sent you a few texts too in the past few days. You haven't replied to any.
1/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.
2/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.
2/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Letting you know...
Email: HAHAHAHAHAHA the little cunt.
3/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo
4/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo
5/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: The disgusting faggot. Had to wash myself in holy water and pray for an hour to get rid of the gay germs from that email. Went out for a drink afterwards and trashed the place.
6/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: in South Africa!
Email: Hey ricky im here! writing from an internet cafe was so excited i had to send this email to you before getting to hotel. We will meet in PE. bye
7/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Bad news, mate. Looks like Sidds is sick. We won't be going to Port Elizabeth after all. Don't bother looking for us. Cheers.
7/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Good to see your reply!!!!!! Shame about Sidds. Maybe he got SIDS. ROFL! But I called CA and they said he was fine. Did he get better already? I guess you're coming to PE after all! I've been working on my bowling for a while, yesterday I bowled Kato with a real fast one. He couldn't even see it coming. Think I could help with the Pak matches, they can't play me at all.
8/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: koolkato@gmail.com
Subject: You wont believe it
Email: Binga sent me an email. He reckons he's ten times better than you as a player and that you can't bat for shit. He also said you're scared of Sreesanth at your training camp and that you run away from him like the pussy you are. Just sticking my neck out for a mate and telling you what Binga said. Make sure to wring his neck a little for me.
9/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: That fucking cunt
Email: Theres no fuckin way Im scared of Sreesanth. Made sure to tell Binga that the stupid bitch. I got a good punch in but then Yuvraj got involved and I ended up hitting him instead. Tell Pup I love him.
10/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: Sorry mate
Email: I hate to break this to you mate but the selectors dont want a good for nothing pussy asswipe in the side. Theyre looking for spinners and even as a quick you dont have anything that Mitch does. He's a good mate of mine. Anyway I'm not going to UAE for the matches. Going to catch up on rest. Got the Ashes coming up. Wouldn't want to be unfit for those. I hope you get a Pak match, not like we need you for the Ashes. That's Mitch's job.
11/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Sorry mate
Email: I'm going to UAE. The selectors said I might be a chance for the Ashes yet. I'd like to open the bowling for the first match. Remember 2007? I was good, wasn't I?
12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.
12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com; koolkato@gmail.com; mitchthebitch@gmail.com; laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: I really showed him! FW: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.
13/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Hahahahahaha
13/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Way to go mate. That little bitch wont be sending you emails for a long time.
13/04/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Good one. He's never gotten a 97 before. He doesn't deserve to be on the side.
13/04/09
From: laraandpup@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: It's a bit funny but don't you think it's also rude? Lara says we should be kind to our team mates to foster good team spirit. just saying.
13/04/09
From: notmrcricket@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: You're being very mean to Binga. He's an alright bloke, what's wrong with him?
14/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Oh fuck off both of you. Neither of you can bat, especially you Huss. Up yours, Pup. Lara's a hag.
One month later...
16/05/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: 3/15
Email: 3/15. Looks like someone's going to the Ashes.
16/05/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 3/15
Email: Twenty20 is for cunts.
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.
24/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. And I'd bowl better than Bryce. LOL. Alright see you on TV.
27/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Mate you wont believe the emails Binga has been sending me the past week. I reckon he wants to be back in the side for these Tests. When we're already winning and kicking those saffer asses. Forwarding his emails to you...
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. Alright see you on TV. LOL.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.
29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: Catch a load of this
Email: Binga's gone mental and is desperate to be back in the side. HAHA! Thought you'd want to see what the little cunt was sending me. I've already forwarded the emails to Mitch, thought I'd sent them to you too. But forget sending them to Gilly, we still have to punish him for walking all the time. We missed you for a bit mate, but then we got Phil. Anyway, have to go kick more saffer butt.
30/03/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Catch a load of this
Email: I just called the idiot up and told him I thought he had a good chance of making it back on the team in April sometime. He must be gelling his hair already. And I've been too busy to watch the matches, but I did see Hughes hitting the ball a few times. Don't want to say too much in case he reads this email but let's just say I could do better even at this age. Oh well, your loss.
30/03/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Tell him you'll have a chat to the selectors. Then don't. Binga could never hit the almost-centuries that I can, could he?
31/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Hows it going Punter?
Email: Almost been a week since me last email. You haven't replied to any. What's going on? I can understand if you're too busy. Sent you a few texts too in the past few days. You haven't replied to any.
1/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.
2/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.
2/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Letting you know...
Email: HAHAHAHAHAHA the little cunt.
3/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo
4/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo
5/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: The disgusting faggot. Had to wash myself in holy water and pray for an hour to get rid of the gay germs from that email. Went out for a drink afterwards and trashed the place.
6/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: in South Africa!
Email: Hey ricky im here! writing from an internet cafe was so excited i had to send this email to you before getting to hotel. We will meet in PE. bye
7/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Bad news, mate. Looks like Sidds is sick. We won't be going to Port Elizabeth after all. Don't bother looking for us. Cheers.
7/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Good to see your reply!!!!!! Shame about Sidds. Maybe he got SIDS. ROFL! But I called CA and they said he was fine. Did he get better already? I guess you're coming to PE after all! I've been working on my bowling for a while, yesterday I bowled Kato with a real fast one. He couldn't even see it coming. Think I could help with the Pak matches, they can't play me at all.
8/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: koolkato@gmail.com
Subject: You wont believe it
Email: Binga sent me an email. He reckons he's ten times better than you as a player and that you can't bat for shit. He also said you're scared of Sreesanth at your training camp and that you run away from him like the pussy you are. Just sticking my neck out for a mate and telling you what Binga said. Make sure to wring his neck a little for me.
9/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: That fucking cunt
Email: Theres no fuckin way Im scared of Sreesanth. Made sure to tell Binga that the stupid bitch. I got a good punch in but then Yuvraj got involved and I ended up hitting him instead. Tell Pup I love him.
10/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: Sorry mate
Email: I hate to break this to you mate but the selectors dont want a good for nothing pussy asswipe in the side. Theyre looking for spinners and even as a quick you dont have anything that Mitch does. He's a good mate of mine. Anyway I'm not going to UAE for the matches. Going to catch up on rest. Got the Ashes coming up. Wouldn't want to be unfit for those. I hope you get a Pak match, not like we need you for the Ashes. That's Mitch's job.
11/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Sorry mate
Email: I'm going to UAE. The selectors said I might be a chance for the Ashes yet. I'd like to open the bowling for the first match. Remember 2007? I was good, wasn't I?
12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.
12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com; koolkato@gmail.com; mitchthebitch@gmail.com; laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: I really showed him! FW: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.
13/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Hahahahahaha
13/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Way to go mate. That little bitch wont be sending you emails for a long time.
13/04/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Good one. He's never gotten a 97 before. He doesn't deserve to be on the side.
13/04/09
From: laraandpup@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: It's a bit funny but don't you think it's also rude? Lara says we should be kind to our team mates to foster good team spirit. just saying.
13/04/09
From: notmrcricket@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: You're being very mean to Binga. He's an alright bloke, what's wrong with him?
14/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Oh fuck off both of you. Neither of you can bat, especially you Huss. Up yours, Pup. Lara's a hag.
One month later...
16/05/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: 3/15
Email: 3/15. Looks like someone's going to the Ashes.
16/05/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 3/15
Email: Twenty20 is for cunts.
Friday, 3 April 2009
Bingo, Clarke is Out (Accidental Live-Blogging)
Up goes the finger, Ntini strikes early, Duminy takes an easy catch at second slip, and Clarke is out in the second over, leaving them at 2/1. Ponting walks out looking Punterish. He won the fucking toss, didn't he? Now why is this happening? After the match he will take a leaf out of Katich's book and choke Clarke to teach him a lesson.
Ding dong, the witch is dead.
Callum Ferguson is playing today, hopefully looking less like an echidna than before. Ben Laughlin, a quick, is debuting. Nathan Hauritz is in, Nathan Bracken is still sporting annoying hair.
Morne Morkel's into the attack. I think I see a tear in his eye, and a hard glare at Albie. Bitter, much?
AHHH ALBIE AND MORNE ARE BOWLING FROM OPPOSITE ENDS.
I don't know why this is significant or worthy of caps, but it just is. Ntini may have hurt his hand fielding a ball off his own bowling. Serves you right for interfering with the Will Of The Batsman. Not really.
Haha, Albie's economy rate is better than Morne's. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm being petty.
I just realised what I am doing. This cannot go on for much longer. I need sleep. I have a life to attend to tomorrow, or today actually. Seems it's past midnight.
Albie is going for 6 runs an over. Morne's going for a bit more than 4.
Oh fuck Albie, you stupid prick. First you bowl a shocker of a no ball, then bowl a ridiculous length which allows Haddin to get six, then you top it off with a wide. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. I'm not trying to pimp you out on AB's website for nothing, you know.
Albie's horror over: 17 runs.
1,1,6,1,2,1,4
Oh thank god, Ponting's out. Morne was bowling, Ponting tried to get it over mid-on, and Albie took the catch. What happened, Albie? Are your hands suddenly working now? I wonder why Albie even caught the ball and didn't sabotage Morne. I would do that for fun.
David Hussey's been promoted one up the order in supposedly dire circumstances, replacing his brother. Not a particularly bold move.
Albie taken out of the attack and Botha put in. Never thought I'd say this, but thank god. That last over was almost painful to watch.
Something interesting better happen in the next 2 minutes or I'm killing myself. If this was a T20 match, the first innings would be over right now.
Hello again Albie. Try bowling well this time.
HAHAHA, I'm sorry, I knew there was a reason I backed you. Albie bowls the ball that takes a hilarious wicket. David Hussey gets run out when Haddin decides he'd rather not run. AB is a team player and a man of God, so he pegs the ball at Albie, who breaks the stumps. Unfortunately, AB gets credited with this run out, I am sure.
ANOTHER RUN OUT! It's Haddin this time, although Michael Hussey hit the ball. They get one run, Haddin comes back for more, Albie throws the ball to Boucher, stumped. Excellent. Also, Albie gets the credit for this one. Too bad, AB. Looks like you can't beat the real star.
Callum Ferguson comes in and pushes down his spiky hair determinedly with his helmet. He won't let his echidna genes get in the way of saving Australia from their current position of 115/4.
By the way Albie, I'm never doubting you again. Never. Not that I ever did, of course. But 17 runs off one over when I'm in a delirious state of mind is not good.
Microsleep...
Ding dong, the witch is dead.
Callum Ferguson is playing today, hopefully looking less like an echidna than before. Ben Laughlin, a quick, is debuting. Nathan Hauritz is in, Nathan Bracken is still sporting annoying hair.
Morne Morkel's into the attack. I think I see a tear in his eye, and a hard glare at Albie. Bitter, much?
AHHH ALBIE AND MORNE ARE BOWLING FROM OPPOSITE ENDS.
I don't know why this is significant or worthy of caps, but it just is. Ntini may have hurt his hand fielding a ball off his own bowling. Serves you right for interfering with the Will Of The Batsman. Not really.
Haha, Albie's economy rate is better than Morne's. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm being petty.
I just realised what I am doing. This cannot go on for much longer. I need sleep. I have a life to attend to tomorrow, or today actually. Seems it's past midnight.
Albie is going for 6 runs an over. Morne's going for a bit more than 4.
Oh fuck Albie, you stupid prick. First you bowl a shocker of a no ball, then bowl a ridiculous length which allows Haddin to get six, then you top it off with a wide. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. I'm not trying to pimp you out on AB's website for nothing, you know.
Albie's horror over: 17 runs.
1,1,6,1,2,1,4
Oh thank god, Ponting's out. Morne was bowling, Ponting tried to get it over mid-on, and Albie took the catch. What happened, Albie? Are your hands suddenly working now? I wonder why Albie even caught the ball and didn't sabotage Morne. I would do that for fun.
David Hussey's been promoted one up the order in supposedly dire circumstances, replacing his brother. Not a particularly bold move.
Albie taken out of the attack and Botha put in. Never thought I'd say this, but thank god. That last over was almost painful to watch.
Something interesting better happen in the next 2 minutes or I'm killing myself. If this was a T20 match, the first innings would be over right now.
Hello again Albie. Try bowling well this time.
HAHAHA, I'm sorry, I knew there was a reason I backed you. Albie bowls the ball that takes a hilarious wicket. David Hussey gets run out when Haddin decides he'd rather not run. AB is a team player and a man of God, so he pegs the ball at Albie, who breaks the stumps. Unfortunately, AB gets credited with this run out, I am sure.
ANOTHER RUN OUT! It's Haddin this time, although Michael Hussey hit the ball. They get one run, Haddin comes back for more, Albie throws the ball to Boucher, stumped. Excellent. Also, Albie gets the credit for this one. Too bad, AB. Looks like you can't beat the real star.
Callum Ferguson comes in and pushes down his spiky hair determinedly with his helmet. He won't let his echidna genes get in the way of saving Australia from their current position of 115/4.
By the way Albie, I'm never doubting you again. Never. Not that I ever did, of course. But 17 runs off one over when I'm in a delirious state of mind is not good.
Microsleep...
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