Australia's Horror Day

To be honest, I've had a bit of a horror run myself these past few days with real sickness and flu and all. Let me tell you, swine flu has got nothing on the ordinary flu strains going around this winter. This is the first time I've been able to get up for any extended period of time in days to do something productive. But what was I saying? Oh, right:

Shane Watson missed training on Monday because he was "a little stiff". The poor thing, he was just too stiff to spread his butter on his toast, let alone bowl a few overs in the nets. And word has also come in the past few days that he is injured.

We are talking about and international cricketer here. Let the injuries begin. If all goes according to plan Watson and his glorious English counterpart should bow out first. But if you let your mind run away from you a little, consider the possibilities. A freak accident taking out Hughesy and leaving Australia with no other option but to bring Clarke in as opener.

And if Clarke is opening, then everytime he wanders down the pitch to have a chat to Kato, he's in danger of losing his life, or rather, having it beaten out of him by a cricket bat-turned-club. So when Michael Clarke dies and Ricky walks in, The Wing Commander slips a few cricket balls down the skipper's way, and Ponting is too busy wondering why spitting on his gloves isn't giving him extra grip so of course he falls right into the trap and twists his ankle.

At this stage, Hussey walks in and England don't even try to sabotage his efforts, they just bowl at the stumps and Mike is gone for a golden duck. Brad Haddin thinks he can do it but he's Brad Haddin, so he can't do it. Jimmy Anderson sends in a bouncer which takes out Haddin and indeed, one of his eyes too. It is a horrific sight, blood is gushing everywhere, but England just laugh it off.

In this situation, Australia are fucked because Shane Watson is injured and Marcus North came down with another case of gastro, so they had to put Andrew McDonald's name down. They never thought it would eventuate to this, but it has and McDonald is their only real batting hope because Mitch hasn't yet declared himself an all-rounder so technically they only bat down to 7.

Needless to say, having his hair enclosed in a helmet with only his eyes for company was never a good idea, and Andrew is blinded by his own hair as the marvellous red colour is reflected around the inside of his helmet in a freak act of nature. He is also out injured.

Then Mitch walks in. He thinks he can bat, he knows he can bat, but he slips on some Haddin blood that is flooding the pitch because nobody bothered to remove Brad's body from the field and he's gushing torrents of blood from his eye socket. As Mitch slips on the blood, his arm flails and hits the stumps. Hit wicket. He walks off dejected because he has failed his country, the sorry bastard.

Hauritz walks in after Brett Lee dies of shock after hearing his own singing voice while listening to his song to motivate himself before the game. And just as England are congratulating themselves on the best victory ever, having injured half the Australian team and bowled them out in half a day for the lowest Test innings score ever, you suckers realise that I've been misleading you all along. Because at the other end of the pitch is Simon Katich, and Simon Katich is currently one pissed off motherfucker. He wants blood, preferably of the English variety, having swum in Haddin's blood for a good hour or so.

In a miraculous turnaround Australia rally, with Katich and Hauritz stacking on the runs with apparent ease. A force field has sprung around Hauritz and despite his mediocre spin bowling skills, he is suddenly the second best batsman on the pitch, after only Kato. Nothing can hit them and you are sitting here thinking, "Amy, you bitch. What a set-up. What a goddamn set-up, I hope you die." Well, I don't. And neither do the heroes of this story.

So in the most unlikely event possible, Hauritz and Katich get the runs in the next hour, working to rectify the damage caused by England's sneaky tactics and hopefully bat for the next 5 sessions. It is a big ask, but that force field is doing the job and Katich is no longer opening the batting, he is lower down where he likes to be and should be, so that's lucky. He has scored his first run when Australia are 7 wickets down and the feeling is great.

Then, in the good old English way, the players stop and they go to lunch. The best kind of sport involves regular meal breaks, including one for tea. Bloodshed has no place in cricket, not when it's time for high tea.

Brad Haddin's blood-soaked body remains on the pitch.

England's Ashes Hopes

Lie in the hands of 16 men among whom there is no MPV or Harmison. Not that we expected the former to play.

Their training squad for the pre-Ashes camp comes as no surprise. Capitalising on their spin wickets, England have included 3 spinners in the squad, which means Adil Rashid gets his go, and what's more, Ian Bell's also in for kicks. Note Bell has nothing to do with good spin wickets.

Will he get a game? I doubt it, or at least I wouldn't give him a game myself. He can carry drinks for all it's worth.

And will KP be fit for the start of the Ashes? He thinks not. Then there's also Freddie who's also coming off an injury, but by now England need to have learnt to compensate for him. I give him two matches tops before he does another muscle/limb/body part in.

The squad: 1. Andrew Strauss (capt), 2. James Anderson, 3. Ian Bell, 4. Ravi Bopara, 5. Tim Bresnan, 6. Stuart Broad, 7. Paul Collingwood, 8. Alastair Cook, 9. Andrew Flintoff, 10. Graham Onions, 11. Monty Panesar, 12. Kevin Pietersen, 13. Matt Prior, 14. Adil Rashid, 15. Ryan Sidebottom, 16. Graeme Swann

Another important question is WILL THEY WIN THE ASHES? We will find out in due course. I am, of course, hoping they don't but even if I were a closet England supporter, I'd be hunted down and killed by manic fans here. I cannot take that risk just to support a bunch of inbreds... Oi!

Just look at your royal family for proof.

I can't hear you

I was going to post properly, but I'm afraid that's just not on today. Work, etc.

But for those of you who were unfortunate enough to see die AB receiving the MoM award in the India match, I have good news. It didn't actually happen. It was all a FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

I'm telling the truth because someone has to. And I'd never lie to you about something regarding die AB, would I? No, I didn't think so. There was a big mix-up, they actually meant A[l]B[ie] is the man of the match. Pretty good stuff for 8 runs and a shit over in the bowling, but I think we can safely say he deserved it more than anyone else did.

And New Zealand, oh New Zealand. You should have lost that one, but I didn't want you to. I really didn't.

Australia are pretending the tournament didn't happen and they're just focusing on the Ashes.

Apologies for the short post, but I am on twitter for exactly this reason. I'm not dead, just terribly busy and believe me, I'd prefer that I weren't but such is life. As it turns out, I offer amazing insights on twitter that NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER KNOW. Yes. Really.

Phil's Baggy Green Fetish

Before I allow myself to collapse in a heap of exhaustion, I simply must share this rather creepy interview with little Phil Hughes which sees his eyes zoning out for a moment as he describes in excruciating detail the ritual of sniffing his baggy green that he regularly performs.

It's kind of freaky, like something a sex-obsessed teenage boy would do, only replacing the baggy green with something far different. In an interview with The Daily Telegraph, Phil lets his alter ego poke through:

"I keep it locked away in a pouch in the top left-hand corner of my wardrobe. Every day I make sure it's there. I'll have a peek. It might be in the morning, at night, or even if I'm having a coffee, I'll walk upstairs and look at it. I'll smell it sometimes. It smells like alcohol because of the couple of wins we had in the first Tests in South Africa."

The mental image of Phil furtively sniffing his cap is not one I'd like to keep. If this is what he does to his baggy green, what would he do if he ever got his hands on the Ashes urn alone in a room? Actually, don't even think about that. You might say he's just enthusiastic about living the Aussie dream, but the great Australian dream is to own a house with a decent-sized backyard and I don't see anyone else humping the playset in the backyard. When you start sniffing things, I think it's safe to say you're going a little overboard. Or when you publicly admit to sniffing something.

So while Phillip guards his baggy green under lock and key, occasionally springing surprise checks on it to make sure it hasn't escaped his clutches, I can't help but wonder whether there have been similarly enthusiastic cricketers in past years.

He wants to touch it all over.

Sledging Siddle

Cricinfo have a piece up in which we're treated to the creativity of South African fans in their taunting of Siddle. I hope you're expecting something great, because it sure is:

"Siddle's a wanker" became a popular chant among the South African fans during this year's series.

There you go. Bloody hell, if I were a saffa, I'd be pretty freaking embarrassed by those efforts. It might even be worse than Aussie fans and the Glenn McGrath song, although that was slightly awesome, I'll admit.

But "Siddle's a wanker" is bereft of any real knife-plunging qualities, not that fans are usually capable of coming up with anything good anyway. However, there have been a few good sledges from crowds in past years. If I were Sidds, I would laugh in the faces of these saffas.

In Andrew McDonald news, he tells us he isn't motivated by Bob Willis' Ronald McDonald comparisons in the papers. Gee, I wonder why.

I also can't help noticing that a certain fake person has begun blogging again. While I don't particularly have any real interest in it at all, I just thought I'd link to an interview with the Fake IPL Player which I believed to be fake itself. As it turns out, the interview is actually real. Yeah. I know. He's struggling to come to terms with being old news, the poor thing.

Ricky and the Ashes Urn

An addition to the last installment of the series. Because it gets better.

"I'm happy."

"I'm determined."

He has the emotional breadth of a donkey, that Ricky.

Run Ricky Run

For every run Ricky makes in the Ashes series, you donate a certain amount which is then forwarded to a charity supporting children through cancer.

Clearly this is a perfect excuse for England to go easy on Ricky. He’s helping little kids, for god’s sake. Have some pity, throw him some half-volleys.

The website for Run Ricky Run is rather interesting, but only because Ricky is updating his Facebook as we go through the World Twenty20 and probably the Ashes too. He’s doing it every day. Amazing. The latest is about the NZ warm-up match:

We beat New Zealand tonight passing their 147 with four balls remaining. Our bowlers certainly lifted a gear from the first game against Bangladesh and our fielding was much sharper. I scored 56 off 40 balls and am feeling good at the moment. All in all - a very satisfying result all round.

All in all, a boring person, but we’ve come to expect that from him.

And that brings me to some unfortunate news of mine. Due to a rather hasty life-changing career decision I made today, I fear I won’t be able to blog quite so often. I’ve had a good long think about it and my options are essentially to stop blogging or to possibly continue doing so, albeit posting much less. I’m going to be busy, especially on weekdays, so I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to get much in for about 5 days of the week. The weekend would be a little easier, but only a little. What’s happening is good news for me, but not so much this blog.

So that’s what’s going to happen. I’m sorry about it, you guys are awesome. But… you know. Life. It happens. I apologise if I don’t get to reply to all your comments but I’ll try to read them all if I can. I’m just going to have to become one of those people who work ridiculously long weeks, not that I mind because it’s a pretty awesome situation. For me. Going to new heights, etc, what people always dream of doing.

Ah, okay. That’s that. I can’t help feeling that this blog won’t be half of what it is right now if I don’t post as much, but oh well. I can’t help it. I’ll make sure I post when I can, I promise.

Till next time, adieu, my friends. Adieu.

KP thinks he's a star

Surely if you're one of they key players your team relies on to stand a chance of winning matches, you wouldn't actually go say it. In any case, that's not how it's done in England. Just as I'd almost forgotten KP is a South African (and therefore, the following makes total sense), he reminds us otherwise:

"England are not relying on one or two players. If you look at Australia during their good times, if Hayden didn't perform, Gilchrist did."

Fair enough, that's pretty true. But wait for him to essentially place himself in the same league as Hayden:

"The best thing about what's happening now is that if I fail like I did when I got a first-baller at Lord's, we still got a decent total."

Oh, how you make me laugh. It's a miracle, says KP. It's a miracle that England can perform well without him. He's the star player, the man who normally has to do it all. And now he doesn't.

Dear god. It's almost like he's acknowledging the truth, what many people have said. That KP is the key batsman for England, that he can win them matches. But the thing is, nobody has ever come out and said 'Yeah, I'm it. I'm the person who makes things happen for my team.' Yet KP essentially is, and he's managed to disguise it as a humble comment. Amazing.

What we need but don't have

A bowler doing some of this again:

Preferably a spinner, and a leggie at that, but you know, we'll take what we get. Australia ain't all that picky no more when it comes to spinners.

Will Mike fire?

Michael Hussey, folks. The guy who averaged 91.60 in the '07 Ashes. We kind of need him and he knows. If he were currently in form as he has been previously, we would be hearing a lot more of him, because averaging close to 100 in a series is no mean feat. There's only one other man who came close to doing it, and he hated everyone. Mike doesn't, so he's willing to offer some words on his recent form:

"Test cricket has never been easy for me."

Hello.

"I'm still really enjoying it, I'm enjoying this period as well."

Hello again. Enjoying failure, are we?

"Obviously, I've been disappointed with my recent results in Test cricket. I haven't been disappointed with my actual form."

Make him stop. Make him not look so likely to get out for a duck as soon as he comes on and then we'll talk form with Mr. Cricket.

Buchanan the cunning bastard

We see what he's doing there, cavorting with the enemy and then having the guile to say it's not Ashes talk. Trying to get Australian officials and players paranoid, are we? Yes indeed is the answer. Clever fellow, here's John Buchanan dodging the real truth:

"I did drop in and see some cricket officials in England on my way home from South Africa but it was a fleeting visit. There have been no negotiations, and nothing about the Ashes."

Or so he says.

Contrary to his poorly disguised lies, I have some contacts who tell me on very good authority that Buchanan was recently seen sneaking into ECB offices holding a sack full of cooking utensils designed for camping in the bush. Or in some quiet woods in northern England, I suppose.

Don't believe his lies, Warnie says he's evil and so he must be. He's fucked in the head, and the Kolkata Knight Riders are one way to prove this. Part of me hopes he does become England's coach development manager because then he'll send some of the players mad as he has attempted to do so to many other international players.

But the other part of me knows better.

Ashes Coverage in Australia

There's a little bit of choice going into the Ashes series this year, which isn't all that common for any overseas matches. But this is the Ashes, and so Fox Sports won't be the only option for Australian viewers, just as it wasn't in 2005.

SBS has joined in one the game again and is going to broadcast the series live, the only FTA broadcaster to choose to do so in 2005 and even now. As we all know, Nine's commitment to matches outside of Australia is more than weak.

The SBS broadcast will include morning updates, daily highlights and live coverage from 7:30pm for each of the five Tests, available in HD. FOX SPORTS will start their coverage at 7pm, with a one hour pre-game show. It will, of course, be in HD too.

FOX is throwing around names like Nick McArdle, Mark Waugh, Allan Border, Brendon Julian, Greg Blewitt, Damien Fleming, and there will be commentary from Shane Warne, David Gower, Ian Botham and Michael Holding.

The presentation team at SBS will he headed by Stuart MacGill, and the other two main players will be Damien Martyn and Greg Matthews. They'll be providing analysis of the Test matches and ODIs in England.

One of the good things about this is more choice for viewers, and perhaps a reprieve from some of the more annoying characters over at FOX. It also means viewers without cable subscription can watch the series live, which is always a good thing. So when you tune into the Ashes this year, which channel will you be supporting? Will you show the good old fellows at SBS a sign of your solidarity or will it be Mark Waugh all the way for you?

Touched By An Angel

From SMH, in an interview with Brett Lee regarding the following photo taken during the '05 Ashes series:

Says Brett:

"It sums up the 2005 series. There's the happiness in Andrew Flintoff. There's me, shattered. There's sportsmanship. There's all the good you can get in Test cricket. I'd been out there facing Freddie. You play as hard as you can, and I think I play as hard as anybody, but off the field, let's get together. A lot of friendships were formed in 2005, and me and Freddie was one of them."

So while Brett Lee was getting together with Flintoff off the field, Freddie himself has sold out the incident, coming up with a far funnier take of what occurred that day:

“I must admit that when I put my arm around him the exact words I used were ‘It’s 1-1, you Aussie bastard.”

Brett and Freddie must be best buddies now. A lot has changed since 2005. They're both not quite the bowlers they were back then, but at least Freddie's team desperately wants him in the side. Lee's had a harder time of it, but he's also in the mix. This is the series where he must prove himself, and that's a stronger motivation that anything else, I'd imagine.

Ricky gets a few words in

He tries, you know. It might not always work, but he sure as hell tries to target the key players England have perceived will be important in the series, and then he does his best to knock them down.

With Freddie, it's about fitness, which is a fair enough point:

"Flintoff is obviously very important to their make-up and set-up. Maybe, as we saw in 2007, if he's not 100% fit then maybe that sort of impact he can have around the team is not there. From 2005 to 2007 we saw two completely different players and that had a lot to do with the level of fitness that he had under his belt going into each series. That's where they're going to have a tough decision to make."

And then, in his lovely "relaxed and rejuvenated way" he tries hinting that KP's Achilles tendon might cause problems for the side too:

"I don't know where Pietersen's at at the moment, I'm not sure how bad his problem is, but they could face something similar there as well."

Maybe he just needs to validate his team since being at Trent Bridge has brought some rather unpleasant memories back. The Australians might not be half as cocky going into this series as they were in 2005, but Ricky will be damned if he doesn't get a chance to undermine the opposition in any way possible.

But wait, here's his last sly comment, this time about Strauss:

"We haven't had the chance to see him against us as a leader and under intense pressure, and hopefully over the next few months we'll get to see that."

If Ricky were a diplomat, he'd be the kind that piss you off extremely but you can't for the life of you figure out why.

Australia Pull Up In England

If you're interested, David Hussey appears to have packed about half of the luggage his brother has, or about half of each of the senior members of the team. Ricky can't leave behind his blanky, it seems.

Mike Hussey is doing a lot of the talking, and most of the news outlets have jumped on his Ashes comments, being that England are a good team and so are Australia, etc. What you'd expect. He then goes on to talk about the World T20, and how he thinks Australia "have a good chance". Fat luck. If there's anything Australia's going to lose soon, it's going to be the World T20.

But amidst it all is a very confusing comment which I cannot even begin to understand:

"I'd be lying if I said the Ashes weren't at the back of our minds but we've got a different squad really for the Twenty20 so we are 100 percent focused on that at the moment."

He'd be lying if he said they weren't at the back of his mind? So they really are at the back of his mind? What a strangely worded comment.

something

I couldn't think of a title to this one, sorry. It's a bit of a nothing post anyway because I'm posting in a rush. I'm on the run, you see. Not from cops, just generally on the run. Busy, as they call it these days.

So if you were already missing me, be prepared for more heartache. I'm going to be a little quiet for today, but I'll probably be up and running by tomorrow afternoon. Aren't I just a great human being.

Some rather amusing stuff to take away the pain of losing me: just as Ricky Ponting comes out with comments that Freddie will be England's most important player in the Ashes, and that he'll "be keeping a close eye on him through the Twenty20s to see how fit and good he is", news arrives that in fact, Adil Rashid will be replacing Freddie during the World T20. So ner-ner, suck on that, etc, Ricky, England say. Looks like you won't be getting a chance to do that all too soon.

Also just checking on that SuperSport poll, it's starting to look really fucked up. While Albie is at 4%, putting him in equal fourth place, Johan Botha is steadily creeping up behind AB de Villiers like the mother in Psycho. JP has already been killed, and AB is next. Norman Bates, watch out. Your mother's a crazy bitch.

And because I never forget, the Michael Clarke Question of the Day for Esra (or should I refer to you by your real name you dirty rat?) because yes, there is now a question for you each day for as long as I can remember to do so or be bothered to do so. A self-proclaimed Clarke expert (actually, I may have heaped it on her, but so what), we're pitting Esra against the very best experts in the business, namely Ryan Campbell. Your pride is at stake, Esra. Do me proud. Here's today's question: What is unusual about the highest score Clarke has made in Test cricket? Think you can answer that one? As it turns out, I'm not going to give you hard questions to make you lose because I'd much rather you didn't. So most of the questions will be totally ridiculous. Answer without fear.

Alright, that's all. See you later, and maybe I'll be seeing an answer to that question later too. By the way, if anyone can guess which city I'm in (it's not Sydney), you get a special prize. Something to keep you entertained while I'm gone. And if you haven't cottoned on to exactly what this "prize" is, you will after a dozen more posts offering prizes but never quite delivering on any material goods.

Ricky Talks Ashes Line-Ups

He's being a bit of a bitch to Australia's lesser bowlers, but Ricky's got a point and it seems to be the right one. The World T20 won't have any impact on who gets picked for the first Test in Cardiff. From the training camp in Queensland, he surfaced to bring us this news:

"I don't think you can really take much out of form in Twenty20 cricket when you're looking at Test matches. We've got two tour games to play before the first Test and I think, to tell the truth, that will be our best chance to get a look at the likelihood of some of those guys playing in the first Test match."

Brett Lee is a little disappointed after his stint in the IPL. He did, after all, think he was a shoo-in for frontline bowler during the first Test, or at least I said so. No doubt if it comes to it, the selectors will end up picking him over Hilfy because they're just like that, but whether he can upstage Johnson, Clark or Siddle is a little unclear at the moment.

Also from the same magical training camp on the Sunshine Coast (doesn't that just make it sound more like a holiday?), Michael Clarke tells us how Lara won't be distracting him during the tour:

"Having my partner on tour is definitely not a distraction."

Sure. If I weren't such a bitch, I'd post a gratuitous Lara Bingle shot here, but then again I am a bitch so I won't. Oh alright, maybe I'm not that big of a bitch:



At least it takes the piss out of the highly "outrageous" tourism ad that screened in the UK. So very outrageous it was for the tea-drinkers:



Indeed. Where the bloody hell are you?

England doing something very strange

I believe it's called winning. Sure, it's against the West Indies, but they're still winning.

What is the magic formula? Why this great form going into a rather important series?

I'm very interested. I think I might even like it if England were supremely confident ahead of the Ashes. But there's always the T20 thing between now and then to shake things up a little and perhaps disturb morale within the team.

It's even more strange because Stuart Broad recently came out with some comments about England needing to learn to fill Flintoff's shoes when he wasn't there, because he isn't a lot of the time. You wouldn't have thought a 9 year old could be so wise, but it's true. He talked some sense, people. He said what every blogger has been thinking, though not the ECB.

And so Andrew Strauss isn't going to be playing in the domestic T20 Cup either. He's really gearing up for the Ashes. Confidence in the English team is probably soaring.

I like it.

Wankers Posing With An Ashes Urn

Apart from talking about their feelings and getting relationship counselling, this is what Cricket Australia is making the boys do at the Ashes training camp. It's the obligatory shots, but oh-so-painful to look at:

Just because that's the best pose ever. His masculinity is overwhelming.

Check out the arm, friends. A wanker indeed.

A glorious model for your every need. Even Brett Lee isn't as pretty as that.

So very photogenic, that Ricky.

There's also a shot of Mitchell Johnson with both a replica urn and a cricket ball. How very formidable.

But perhaps the best one of all is our very own Andrew McDonald, who is not important enough to get the replica ashes urn. I laugh hysterically:

I guess even Cricket Australia don't really like him, despite having picked him for the squad.

For now, all I want is for England's players to be subjected to this same cruelty. It's not fair otherwise to divide the torment unequally.

The Woes of Bopara

Out for 49, so close to that half century.

Not again, he says as he storms off the ground. This is getting pretty fucking ridiculous. He's missed two in a row and suddenly Mitchell Johnson's words are getting to him. Slowly, very gradually, over the next few weeks he begins doubting himself, doubting his abilities. That century in the Test? Long gone. It's all ODIs and failing in the 40s for Bopara now. As the days go by, he finds himself descending into a state of failure-induced insanity. He is the crazy fellow who sits in a corner of the room, rocking silently and muttering the number 49 to himself repeatedly.

Of course, there's a flip side to it all but it's a pretty big flip side, just as this is a pretty long way for Bopara to supposedly fall. And I'm not going to mention it because it's a little scary.

Next match, he says. Next match he'll get that 50. It's only the Windies they're playing anyway.

And his captain has gone ahead and beat him. Bopara cries himself to sleep at the very thought.