England's Ashes Hopes

Lie in the hands of 16 men among whom there is no MPV or Harmison. Not that we expected the former to play.

Their training squad for the pre-Ashes camp comes as no surprise. Capitalising on their spin wickets, England have included 3 spinners in the squad, which means Adil Rashid gets his go, and what's more, Ian Bell's also in for kicks. Note Bell has nothing to do with good spin wickets.

Will he get a game? I doubt it, or at least I wouldn't give him a game myself. He can carry drinks for all it's worth.

And will KP be fit for the start of the Ashes? He thinks not. Then there's also Freddie who's also coming off an injury, but by now England need to have learnt to compensate for him. I give him two matches tops before he does another muscle/limb/body part in.

The squad: 1. Andrew Strauss (capt), 2. James Anderson, 3. Ian Bell, 4. Ravi Bopara, 5. Tim Bresnan, 6. Stuart Broad, 7. Paul Collingwood, 8. Alastair Cook, 9. Andrew Flintoff, 10. Graham Onions, 11. Monty Panesar, 12. Kevin Pietersen, 13. Matt Prior, 14. Adil Rashid, 15. Ryan Sidebottom, 16. Graeme Swann

Another important question is WILL THEY WIN THE ASHES? We will find out in due course. I am, of course, hoping they don't but even if I were a closet England supporter, I'd be hunted down and killed by manic fans here. I cannot take that risk just to support a bunch of inbreds... Oi!

Just look at your royal family for proof.

Why MPV will play the Ashes

Because Ricky Ponting thinks so.

Says Ricky:

"I've just got a bit of a feeling that they might want to get Vaughan back into the set-up and they might pick Harmison for when we get there."

Knowing the ECB, that might just happen. When predicting their next move, it's best not to go with the logical, strategic option and to instead revert to a "going with the old dogs" mentality.

"So I think their side might actually shape up closer to the side of 2005 or 2007 than we actually think it might."

Aside from the fact that sentence structure is just mad and he's not really making a point there at all if you read closely, Ricky thinks England might have an '05 looking side on their hands. At the same time, he thinks Australia's team is a "good team" and not a "great team". My god man, support your fucking countrymen. Where is the cockiness of old, I ask? You have evil gremlin midgets on your side now. Anything is possible.

But it is just all class to lump all of England's self-appointed chances in as "those guys we've played before":

"Otherwise their batting is fairly similar with Pietersen, Collingwood, Strauss, Cook, those guys."

What's more he calls Graham Onions "lively" twice in the same sentence, and actually acknowledges Bopara's century. We're making progress.

"Onions, he's a lively fellow... Mmm, tasty... Onions, he's a lively fellow."

How To Win The Ashes - Part 2

England hand it to us on a plate.

England's West Indies Test squad: Andrew Strauss (capt), James Anderson, Ravi Bopara, Tim Bresnan, Stuart Broad, Paul Collingwood, Alastair Cook, Graham Onions, Monty Panesar, Kevin Pietersen, Matt Prior (wk), Graeme Swann

Ravi Bopara muscles in on the Number 3 spot which was looking to be Ian Bell, Michael Vaughan or Owais Shah's pick. KP has somehow managed to avoid the spot altogether and made it look as though he was never having to consider playing at 3 to save face for England.

Graham Onions and Tim Bresnan are about to debut, but I'm sure Onions will have a stinker of a match. Geoff Miller's explanation behind these two selections was that

"They've bowled very, very well pre-season and they've bowled very well in the early part of the season. We need to find strong backup and one or two other seam bowlers who are of international quality and these two have out-bowled the others so they get their chance."

Onions is reportedly very pleased.

The ECB have done some good in leaving out Bell and Vaughan, but will you just look at the squad? The Ashes squad will be mostly similar, perhaps dropping some of the debutants, and with the inclusion of Freddie. None of those players going to the Windies look great. Maybe Strauss is on a roll, but honestly, who are they kidding? Hats off to not living in the past (i.e. 2005) and going with all those old fellows, but word is the Scots are already calling it shite.

Miller is excited about this new squad, and he thinks it's going to take England to great heights and open up closed shops and things like that. Didn't understand what that meant? Neither did I:

"I think it's exciting, we've been designated as a closed shop for some time now and this just shows to county cricketers that we are not a closed shop and we are prepared to open it up."

I'm sure I'm not the only person who didn't find that analogy all that great.

Monty will be opening up their shop.

How Michael Vaughan Became Captain

His version of the events:

“Do you fancy being England captain?” Nasser asked.
“Absolutely!” I replied.

Shit, I'm surprised they didn't stop to have a cup of tea and a chat about the Queen. In any case, as Michael writes for the Times, being captain for England was amazing, every darn minute of that cursed job. But really, captaining isn't about what you do on or off the field as a player, but it's about the theatrical aspect of cricket. Vaughan was quite the expert at the time he stepped down from captaincy. In fact, he'd go so far as to say one of his greatest achievements as English captain was masking his true feelings, like the true actor he is:

"The players in my last year as captain didn't know I was struggling - and that is one of the things I will always be proudest of."

I'll stop for a moment to say that it's hard not to feel a little sorry for the man. Never mind I don't know why I should feel sorry, but when someone cries, you instinctively feel sorry, even when a year later, all you have is a hazy memory of those tears and you cannot fathom why you are sympathising with this person.

Cricket wasn't just a game for Michael. No, it was an obsession. An all-consuming, dream-consuming, time-consuming... obsession.

"Even in my year out with a knee injury I was still thinking about how to make us a great team. Even when playing golf, after two or three holes I'd get back to strategies for beating Australia and what sort of cricket we had to play. Even when I was getting a little action with my wife, I thought about Ricky Ponting and how to bring that bastard down."

Okay, well, part of that isn't true. But the general gist of it is.

MPV was the most successful captain England ever had.

Shame about the 12.

"Just SHUT UP ABOUT THAT, OKAY?"

England's Ashes Squad

Not the final list, but 25 names (and an additional 5 to be named whenever they choose) from which the final XI will be chosen. Exciting stuff. Everyone's pretty much aware by now that Michael Vaughan is on the list. All those tears for nothing.

The England Performance Squad:
Tim Ambrose, James Anderson, Ian Bell, Ravi Bopara, Stuart Broad, Paul Collingwood, Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, James Foster, Stephen Harmison, Robert Key, Amjad Khan, Dimitri Mascarenhas, Sajid Mahmood, Monty Panesar, Samit Patel, Kevin Pietersen, Matthew Prior, Adil Rashid, Owais Shah, Andrew Strauss, Ryan Sidebottom, Graeme Swann, Michael Vaughan, Luke Wright.


Well, they got the right names. Or the expected ones, anyway. Adil Rashid is the only uncapped player of the squad (so far).

Tales of the Bizarro World

Probability of the South African crowd suddenly falling in love with KP and the government backflipping in order to present him with the highest South African honour? Probably zero. But the chances that this new friendship between Graeme Smith and Shane Warne will lead to the two SAfricans becoming best friends is looking at its highest. It's only a matter of time, I'm thinking. Maybe Warnie will present an ultimatum:

"Stop fighting or I'm leaving both of you."

"...And reinventing myself as a robot."

And since everyone knows KP just wants to be loved, his insecurities would cause him to let down the hostilities and declare his love for Graeme. Meanwhile, Michael Vaughan would be hastily texting KP trying to fill the quota of 5 texts per day in order to boost KP's ego and convince him that he has friends. But Vaughan will soon be forgotten because KP has got better friends now.

As it turns out, there is probably no one in the world who does want the highest South African honour. It is rather hilariously named "The Order of the Companions of OR Tambo" and broken down into three awards:
Class 1 = Supreme Companion of OR Tambo (Gold)
Class 2 = Grand Companion of OR Tambo (Silver)
Class 3 = Companion of OR Tambo (Bronze).

And you get a walking stick with each award. I, for one, would love to be the Supreme Companion of OR Tambo, as opposed to just the Grand Companion.

I bet KP's shitting his pants trying to qualify for one. Because then at least OR Tambo will be his friend.