Psychoanalysis of Alastair Cook's Head

This is, of course, a very thoughtful post based entirely in science. And of course, this is not actually psychoanalysis. That would be something else entirely. Instead, I will be discussing the left brain right brain features of Alastair Cook's HEAD. A science in its own right. Almost.

Before we begin, will someone tell Cook to stop it. He's making me cry:


Now that we're done with that horror, I'd like to say that's all you're going to see of Alastair's head, but unfortunately, that is not the case. This post is all about his head.

There is a theory amongst psychologists that the human face displays more than one emotion at a time. If you cut their face in half and reflect each half onto itself to make two separate images of the face, apparently you can see the left brain emotions and facial expressions of the person being studied, and of course, the right brain facial expressions in the other image.

Basically, I'm just going to chop a face in half and make mirror images of each half. No psychobabble bullshit for me.

So seeing as Cook's face is so wonderfully asymmetrical in that above photo, and so very creepy, why not try it out on his face?

Face 1: Right side of Cook's face (controlled by the left brain)

Looks normal enough, even better than the actual Alastair Cook. But then again, this is the left brain, which is supposed to be the more logical, rational side of the brain. It's supposed to be more reserved, not like the crazy as fuck right brain which is all about creativity and strong feelings. If you're scared, you sure as hell should be. If you're not scared, you sure as hell should be. Because:

Face 2: Left side of Cook's face (controlled by right brain)

Yes. "Fuck" is right. "Fuck" accompanied by a long scream is the right response to have.

Excuse me, but I may be traumatised for life.

Strangely Funny Ravi & Cook

This photo made me laugh:

From day one of the current Test. Ravi manages to look shorter than usual.

Bops

That's a terrible name. I'll stick with Bopara.

I do quite like the guy. Three consecutive centuries, all stocky and pudgy-like, displaying the batting people want to see as opposed to, say, Cook's shots. Not that I mind how the mascara diva plays, because playing the necessary shots without any real beauty serves the same purpose as guiding the ball through cover or some such.

But yes, Bops is the man to go with. I'm sort of sitting here in disbelief that I'm calling him Bops, but am unable to do anything to the opposite.

Graham Gooch has been sending text messages to Ravi:

"Graham got a pair at the very start of his career and so did I. He just sent me a text saying congratulations so it makes me happy to see him happy."

Anything for his protégé.

While Cook's century was equally as hard earned, giving him the opportunity to build on his score tomorrow, I can't help noticing that England are actually playing decently. It's rather disconcerting. What kind of form is this, going into the Ashes?

Why MPV will play the Ashes

Because Ricky Ponting thinks so.

Says Ricky:

"I've just got a bit of a feeling that they might want to get Vaughan back into the set-up and they might pick Harmison for when we get there."

Knowing the ECB, that might just happen. When predicting their next move, it's best not to go with the logical, strategic option and to instead revert to a "going with the old dogs" mentality.

"So I think their side might actually shape up closer to the side of 2005 or 2007 than we actually think it might."

Aside from the fact that sentence structure is just mad and he's not really making a point there at all if you read closely, Ricky thinks England might have an '05 looking side on their hands. At the same time, he thinks Australia's team is a "good team" and not a "great team". My god man, support your fucking countrymen. Where is the cockiness of old, I ask? You have evil gremlin midgets on your side now. Anything is possible.

But it is just all class to lump all of England's self-appointed chances in as "those guys we've played before":

"Otherwise their batting is fairly similar with Pietersen, Collingwood, Strauss, Cook, those guys."

What's more he calls Graham Onions "lively" twice in the same sentence, and actually acknowledges Bopara's century. We're making progress.

"Onions, he's a lively fellow... Mmm, tasty... Onions, he's a lively fellow."

Batting With Broken Fingers

Continuing with the story of our martyr, Alastair Cook batted in the second innings of the match against the West Indies for his county. And this time he fared well:

"It is still sore but it is definitely getting better. It was much better than yesterday. Perhaps I hit more balls out of the middle of the bat because it was the balls I didn't hit right on Saturday that caused quite a bit of pain. Maybe it is just getting used to batting again."

It's been three weeks since he fractured his finger, and he just wants to be able to play the first Test against the Windies in May.

I wouldn't play 3 weeks after breaking my finger but I guess my eyes aren't pretty enough.

Alastair Cook does a Graeme Smith

The man with the mascara batted for Essex against the West Indies yesterday with a broken finger. He played for 2 hours and made 46 runs in that time.

With a broken finger. Why did he bother?

Apparently he looked to be in pain at times. Well, you would be. BECAUSE YOU PLAYED WITH A BROKEN FINGER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

"Look at me, all self-sacrificial and Jesus-like."