The Real Wizard

Harry Potter is at the World T20 and not in the form of Daniel Vettori.

It is, of course, Daniel Radcliffe. Another Dan, another man. Or slightly post-pubescent boy.

Don't allow yourself to be tricked by his ways. The question is, is he really enjoying it? Or is his unfortunate facial structure preventing him from doing so?

This also gives England the handy excuse that the real reason they bowed out of the tournament was because an evil sorcerer had been magicking Stuart Broad's brain into mush and invading Colly's mind with unimaginative field placements.

The Secret to Stuart Broad's Success

Any teams stupid enough to fear the might of his bowling will be thrilled to discover just what caused Broady to play so well all of a sudden against Pakistan.

I invite you to take a moment to guess.

Appropriate responses would include a tough work-out session in the nets, bowling at a brick wall non-stop for 7 hours a day since the loss to the Netherlands, a stern talking to by coach or by the captain.

Slightly less appropriate but still effective responses include being offered a pay rise in return for doing well in this match, daddy organising a visit from a few escorts (oh yes, escorts, they're top class these Broad boys), having his head bashed in by a rampant Andre Nel working for the ECB, or even having people finally accept that yes, Broady is a man. Just look at those manly golden locks.

Alright, you done? Good, because you should be. Because the secret to Stuart Broad's success is... Maccas. No, that is not some sort of dig at a night out with Andrew McDonald, I'm talking real food here. Says Colly when asked about Stuart's turnaround:

"I just took him for a burger."

Yes, he took him for a burger. Doesn't take much to please the young Broad, does it? If you doubt my claims he is a 9 year old, I hope this proves you wrong.

Ten bucks says it was a Happy Meal.

Netherlands think they played "okay"

I'll bet even Collingwood gave them higher praise than that.

Determined not to rub the victory into England's faces, Netherlands captain Jeroen Smits tells reporters:

"We played okay. Batting wise we played up to our capabilities but fielding wise and bowling wise there is still room for improvement."

If I were captain of the Dutch side at the moment, I would just... you have no idea what I would be saying. England would be cringing more than ever. But Smits refrains. Go the Netherlands.

Now they're looking at qualifying for the Super Eights, and if possible, the semifinals. Awesome, you say? It is indeed.

Pakistan are going to be facing two teams determined not to lose to them. England, because if they were out of the tournament within 3 days it would be the greatest embarrassment ever suffered since the Stanford debacle, and the Netherlands, because they've taken time off work without pay, beaten the hosts, and now they bloody well want to get as far as possible in this tournament.

"We were only joking"

"Can't you take a bit of a joke, everyone?" asks Collingwood at the press conference after the shock loss to the Netherlands.

"We were just having a laugh," Broad tells reporters. "Jimmy thought it'd be funny to give the Dutch fellows a win and take it from there."

"Graeme and Kevin were at home blowing up party balloons to celebrate the planned loss to the Netherlands," Colly continues. "Straussy was over too. They were watching the match on telly and having a bit of a laugh."

"That expression on my face?" Stuart is surprised. "Oh, at the end? Which one was it again?" The reporters oblige him.

"Oh, that," Broad says as he views the photograph. "Completely planned."

Beside him, Collingwood nods. "Completely planned. Bring on the Pakistani boys, I say."

There's Something About Colly

Whatever you think, this is not an attempt to undermine the captain of England's side going into the World T20.

But goddamn, this photo is precious:

According to the caption, this is England's team physio Dean Conway. And Paul Collingwood, of course. But best of all, it's possibly the one photo that can consistently cause a person to laugh even months after first seeing it. That's the power of Colly, can he do the same in the World T20?

Time will tell.

Ahem. Colly & Broad Highlights

From the ODI against the Windies which they somehow won, bringing their total to 1 out of 1 which is an achievement in itself for the fellows:

It seems the poor ranga got a little too excited winning the match for England. Interestingly enough, I had a fascinating discussion with a very liberal-minded 50 year old lady today about rangas. She was actually talking about the treatment of Germans in the first World War, but for the sake of a comparison, she uttered the words "What if you said 'you're an orangutan!' to a redhead and drove them off the land?" a few too many times. For the record, if you are a redhead, I do love you, even if your soul is corrupted by Satan himself. I was once a voluntary ranga myself back in high school, bet you didn't know that.

However, this isn't a post about rangas, it's about Stuart Broad:

Oh yes.

What's that? You want me to take him seriously? To take Broad seriously?

Ha.

Schizophrenic Freddie

Colly confirms what we'd always suspected:

"He's very much two players in one - as I've always said."

Alright, so they're talking about his all-rounder skills even though his batting is perhaps a little over-rated, but the latest in the Freddie story is that apparently he might miss the World Twenty20. Because we didn't already think exactly that. How was anyone expecting him to come off yet another surgery and go straight into the tournament? It's ludicrous. Clearly with Freddie, you can't have him for everything. You need to do some good old-fashioned rationing.

And the most important place for him is the Ashes, so that's where you can expect him to go, before yet another body part breaks down.

At some stage he's just going to malfunction completely. England have to be prepared for it, because every time he falls to an injury, there seems to be a period of panic in which they cannot fathom how they will go on without him, because everyone knows just how many wickets he takes. The reliance on Flintoff within the English team is slowly morphing into a mental one, rather than one based on his actual abilities. It's good to have a player like that in the team, one who instils a sense of hope in others and motivates them into thinking they can actually succeed, but sooner or later the penny's going to drop. And then English cricket will go on without him.

Freddie will be the phantom, the legend, to live on in the minds of children for centuries to come. His achievements will be spoken of in an awed tone, and he'll be that golden boy for cricket.

That is what you'd think would happen, anyway. Meanwhile, in the here and now, he probably wont' make it for the T20 Cup or whatever it is. But he thinks he'll be there for the Ashes:

"I'd love to play in the Twenty20 - but that might be too tight. I had an operation two weeks ago and I'm already off my crutches. The Ashes are a long way off - and I'll be fine for them."

Everyone always thinks they're a long way off, because the darn series creeps up on you. Last I remember, it's still 2007 and we just crushed the poor fellows. Much has changed since then.

"I now grow extremely surprised everytime I catch the ball."

Why MPV will play the Ashes

Because Ricky Ponting thinks so.

Says Ricky:

"I've just got a bit of a feeling that they might want to get Vaughan back into the set-up and they might pick Harmison for when we get there."

Knowing the ECB, that might just happen. When predicting their next move, it's best not to go with the logical, strategic option and to instead revert to a "going with the old dogs" mentality.

"So I think their side might actually shape up closer to the side of 2005 or 2007 than we actually think it might."

Aside from the fact that sentence structure is just mad and he's not really making a point there at all if you read closely, Ricky thinks England might have an '05 looking side on their hands. At the same time, he thinks Australia's team is a "good team" and not a "great team". My god man, support your fucking countrymen. Where is the cockiness of old, I ask? You have evil gremlin midgets on your side now. Anything is possible.

But it is just all class to lump all of England's self-appointed chances in as "those guys we've played before":

"Otherwise their batting is fairly similar with Pietersen, Collingwood, Strauss, Cook, those guys."

What's more he calls Graham Onions "lively" twice in the same sentence, and actually acknowledges Bopara's century. We're making progress.

"Onions, he's a lively fellow... Mmm, tasty... Onions, he's a lively fellow."

Sybrand Engelbrecht: Learn It

Before I pop off to go suffer illness in misery, I needed to point out a recent blog on Cricinfo's The Surfer.

Jane alerted me to the post which I would not have otherwise seen. Apparently you're allowed to talk about ambidextrous fielders and NOT MENTION SYBRAND. If you talked about the best leggie in the world, you wouldn't hesitate to mention Shane Warne. And if you're talking about the best fielders in the world, it would make complete sense to mention Sybrand, although his compatriot Jonty Rhodes thinks otherwise.

But when you talk about ambidextrous fielders, surely you'd mention Sybrand.

...Batsmen will no longer play to a fielder's weak side because there won't be one. Push to the left of cover, and he will pick up with his left hand and throw; to the right and he is equally comfortable on that side.

Sounds like it was written with one person in mind, and that person isn't JP Duminy, or AB de Villiers, or even Paul Collingwood.

It's Sybrand Engelbrecht. Simple, militarian name. Learn it.

"Hello."

Sehwag: Watch ball, hit ball

Sehwag is a genius. Note the following exchange:

Colly: 'What's going on technically in your mind when the bowler's running in? Are you saying, I've got to get this right?'

Sehwag: 'No, no, no, watch ball, hit ball.'

Best method ever?

You may say yes, but in order to be able to focus so intently and simply "watch ball, hit ball" you need to have an uncluttered mind. Here is where the real genius kicks in. Apparently Sehwag sings songs to himself:

"I want my mind to be absolutely free while facing up to a bowler. I try to hum songs, Sai Baba bhajans and Kishore Kumar songs, especially those pictured on Amitabh Bachchan till the bowler is about to deliver.

I then tell myself: watch it. I try to sing songs as perfectly as possible in order to keep my mind completely uncluttered."

I bet he didn't tell Colly that.

Watch man, hit man.

I'd be really interested in knowing exactly what kind of songs those are.

Collingwood for captain

The English World T20 squad has been announced, and Colly's heading it. If you thought Rob Key, you thought wrong. He's in the squad of course, and so is James Foster as wicketkeeper, but he's just not captain.

England are finally giving their poached Irishman Eoin Morgan a game.

Napier's on the list.

And apparently Samit Patel is still too fat for cricket. Good days.

The squad: Paul Collingwood (capt), James Anderson, Ravi Bopara, Stuart Broad, Andrew Flintoff, James Foster, Robert Key, Dimitri Mascarenhas, Eoin Morgan, Graham Napier, Kevin Pietersen, Owais Shah, Ryan Sidebottom, Graeme Swann, Luke Wright

Jonty Rhodes and fielding captains

Over at Cricinfo, Jonty's been suggesting that IPL teams should have a fielding captain who monitors the field and sets fielding placements. It's an offshoot of John Buchanan's multiple captain theory.

Whatever. Don't care. I'm more interested in his choice of the best fielders in the world:

• JP Duminy
• AB de Villiers
• Andrew Symonds
• Paul Collingwood

Where the fuck is Sybrand? Don't tell me bloody AB is a better fielder than him. AB doesn't attack each and every ball in his general vicinity violently. Sybrand does. AB isn't able to throw the ball equally well with either hand. Sybrand is.

Jonty's just afraid of being upstaged by someone with better hair than him.

Sybrand moves through hyperspace to take catches.

It looks like Wayne Parnell's trying to eat that bat. Delicious bats these days. Must be a Kookaburra, I hear they're adding exotic flavours to bats now.

Strauss misses out on T20 world cup

He's not exactly the best T20 player around, averaging 18.5 from 28 matches, and that's far below some of the scores of the most valuable contributors to the T20 game. If England were going to keep him for this, it would be for the captaincy. But now that he's out, there's an important question at hand?

Who's in? Colly? You'd expect it to be him, but he doesn't even want the captaincy. Can't say I would either if I were on the team. However, in my current armchair position, I'd happily accept the England captaincy if it ever came my way. I'm sure I could benefit the team. Here's what Collingwood had to say:

"Whoever takes it I'm sure will do a very good job. But there's a lot of things to happen between now and then, a coach to come in and things like that. We will have to wait and see, but I would have to take some persuading to do that job."

KP's also ruled himself out of the captaincy, not that anyone wants him to do it, I'm sure.
That leaves Rob Key? Or a more experienced member of the side? Time will tell. In any case, England's not going to win the World Cup so I'm sure they don't have to worry too much.

Just kidding. Of course they'll win the World Cup.
Of course.

Delhi Daredevils the "most balanced team"

I have been neglecting these fellows. But all you need to do to grab my interest is say something that sounds exaggerated in the slightest and I will be running as fast as my legs can allow to see what's going on.

TA Sekar, the DDD Manager, has said:

"Delhi Daredevils walk into the IPL with probably the most balanced combination."

This piqued my interest. Have I been lording over the other IPL teams with my support for Chennai? The answer is actually no. I am supporting the side that has an incredibly good chance of winning, but maybe I should second another team. Have an underdog side I'm supporting. Last year it was Kings XI Punjab, but they're looking shaky this year and besides, I'm just not in the mood to support them.

But Delhi. That's an interesting proposition.
They have Sehwag and Gambhir as openers. You can't fight with that, it's like the power couple of Indian openers.
Dilshan Tillakaratne. He did well last year.
AB de Villiers. Might convert Dilshan to Christianity.
Daniel Vettori. His glasses alone have the power to rock Sreesanth off his crazy horse.
Glenn McGrath, and he's said he'll be able to concentrate better on this year's IPL anyway.

And then there's the new players. The Delhi Daredevils picked up:
David Warner.
Dirk Nannes.
Those last two names are icing on the cake for T20.
And Andrew McDonald. I only mention this name because I reckon he'll be shit. His hair will attract cricket balls and tempt batsmen to thump balls at his head. However, I stand to be corrected if McDonald does turn out to do well.
They also secured Paul Collingwood and Owais Shah.

That's a pretty strong team.

England fucks it up again

No surprise there, only it was almost laughable this time. And not in a "We just won by one run because the Windies fucked up their maths" way. This was more of a "What a piss take, England lose by 8 wickets and Chris Gayle goes berserk and hits 8 sixes" kind of thing.

Andrew Strauss has had his head done in by this England captaincy.
Ravi Bopara and KP practically threw the ball to fielders.
Soon after, Owais Shah and Flintoff said "Fuck it, we're taking off" and kindly gave up their wickets.
Paul Collingwood is likely to be smug in the change rooms, being the only one not to actually get out, after a misjudged lbw call by Steve Bucknor.
Matt Prior was next on the loser train, hitting a ball lovingly to point.
Broad was next, making little impact on the side.
Then came Dimitri Mascarenhas and Gareth Barry, who thankfully restored a semblance of dignity to the side, putting on 48. But they were also out.

England made 117, and didn't even bat out the 50 overs.
But what's even more disturbing is the next part. The Windies had wrapped up the game in 14.4 overs, with Gayle's 80 from 43 balls doing much of the work for them.
England are now 2-1 down in the ODI series.

How will England ever show their face after this? This is getting ridiculous.