Sybrand Engelbrecht: Learn It

Before I pop off to go suffer illness in misery, I needed to point out a recent blog on Cricinfo's The Surfer.

Jane alerted me to the post which I would not have otherwise seen. Apparently you're allowed to talk about ambidextrous fielders and NOT MENTION SYBRAND. If you talked about the best leggie in the world, you wouldn't hesitate to mention Shane Warne. And if you're talking about the best fielders in the world, it would make complete sense to mention Sybrand, although his compatriot Jonty Rhodes thinks otherwise.

But when you talk about ambidextrous fielders, surely you'd mention Sybrand.

...Batsmen will no longer play to a fielder's weak side because there won't be one. Push to the left of cover, and he will pick up with his left hand and throw; to the right and he is equally comfortable on that side.

Sounds like it was written with one person in mind, and that person isn't JP Duminy, or AB de Villiers, or even Paul Collingwood.

It's Sybrand Engelbrecht. Simple, militarian name. Learn it.

"Hello."

Reasons You Will Hate AB

So I ripped that title off a friend of mine, but it's time to talk AB.

Achettup loves AB. He has adopted AB as his very own.

I am shocked. Shocked is what I am. Because it is almost impossible to like AB that much, he's just too damn perfect. He's like that person everyone knows who excels in a million different areas effortlessly, while others have to dedicate themselves to this one thing and really earn it. And to top it off, he's humble and accredits it all to God.

Fuck that shit. I know I'm not the only person who gets irritated by that, and people will say "you're just jealous" and "stop whining he's awesome" but no, I don't know how anyone can stand AB.

If the guy were just a class batsmen, that would be enough. Watching AB bat probably sends half his fans into orgasm. You know what, throw in his excellent fielding and that will be enough.

But no, AB is also a decent wicketkeeper. He doesn't want to be one, of course, he wants to be the No. 1 batsman in the world. And he's 25. If he keeps it up, he actually will become the No. 1 batsman in the world, and the best fielder to boot. Jonty Rhodes himself has described AB as one of the 4 best fielders in the world.

Half his fans, while they try to pass it off as strokeplay, love him for his appearance. Because AB is actually a good looking player. After watching Jacques Kallis bat for a bit, people are crying for a look at AB. He wears pink bandanas and passes it off, and according to Morne Morkel, AB spends a lot of his time in front of the mirror. According to schizophrenic Andre, AB is the best dressed South African cricketer.

That's not it, because AB has more left in him. He also plays golf, rugby and tennis and would no doubt have had a successful career in one of those, but he chose to play cricket. What a relief. And he played 78 Test innings before he was out for a duck. So for 78 Test innings, AB contributed to his team's score. He was a real player. That 78 is the record, by the way. AB is just so amazing.

AB can also play the guitar and he's a singer. He's even released a single to prove it, and plans to release an album in the near future if he can. He wants to have a singing career when he retires from cricket, just to keep up the brilliance.

Sound like a huge list of achievements? It is. But humble AB believes it is all the work of Jesus. According to him, "Jesus is the man" and all his success is due to Jesus. His faith means more to him than playing for his country. He's a good, honest, religious man. His favourite book is also the Bible, and he gets weird when I talk about Albie. AB is also a positive person, and has invented a motto which describes his attitude to life: "Stay sharp!" He's just so positive all the time, and proud to be a Protea.

So after all that, is it possible to actually like AB? The guy is so effortlessly perfect at everything it begins to grind at your nerves. How do the other players stand being around him? You'd automatically feel like a failure, if it weren't for AB constantly encouraging you to stay sharp and maintaining his personality as a nice person constantly. Some players have nothing, but AB has everything. He has no weakness, he's just good at everything that comes his way. He could probably learn to fly a plane in two days.

You can't like him.

But when AB gets caught in a strip club, like our good old PM, then we'll talk. It does wonders for your likeability factor.

Ponting and Sangakkara back Buchanan

They actually like his multiple captain theory amidst a frenzy of effigy burnings and publicly unsupportive outbursts. At least someone's on John Buchanan's side. He's a little disappointed, however. He was hoping that after years of bad relations, Warnie would come to his rescue. It was not the case, sadly.

"I know Tassie actually experimented with that a few years ago. One was doing the field placings and one was doing the bowling changes. So it just sort of lightened the load up on the actual captain and gave him a bit more opportunity to think about different things. I don't see there's a lot of problems with it."

I myself would never go to Ricky to get an opinion on anything. He has a point, though. Jonty Rhodes was saying pretty much the same thing earlier. The only question is, if there's a captain for bowlers and a captain for fielders, WHERE DO THE OTHER TWO COME FROM? A captain for shining the ball? A captain for disagreeing with the other captains? They should be cleverly assigned roles like this to make it less confusing.

Kumar Sangakkara is supportive of the idea but also a little more sceptical, as he should be:

"If it's a way to go forward and it shows results, why not? Hopefully, it's not a marketing gimmick. Something to create more interest towards that one franchise and to get the public to say 'Well, we'll follow the Knight Riders from here on.'"

Buchanan is fuming at this insinuation, despite it having been said in earnest. I don't know where Kumar's getting these ideas that the idea will make the public want to support the KKR. After the effigies Ganguly fans were burning in Kolkata, I think that's the last thing that's likely to happen.

Shittiest effigy ever, no doubt.

Jonty Rhodes and fielding captains

Over at Cricinfo, Jonty's been suggesting that IPL teams should have a fielding captain who monitors the field and sets fielding placements. It's an offshoot of John Buchanan's multiple captain theory.

Whatever. Don't care. I'm more interested in his choice of the best fielders in the world:

• JP Duminy
• AB de Villiers
• Andrew Symonds
• Paul Collingwood

Where the fuck is Sybrand? Don't tell me bloody AB is a better fielder than him. AB doesn't attack each and every ball in his general vicinity violently. Sybrand does. AB isn't able to throw the ball equally well with either hand. Sybrand is.

Jonty's just afraid of being upstaged by someone with better hair than him.

Sybrand moves through hyperspace to take catches.

It looks like Wayne Parnell's trying to eat that bat. Delicious bats these days. Must be a Kookaburra, I hear they're adding exotic flavours to bats now.

Better than Napoleon Einstein and Jonty Rhodes

Sybrand Engelbrecht - Freaky Ambidextrous Saffa

He will sing softly in your ear as he murders you in your sleep.

It has come to my attention that South Africa have employed a mutant in their ranks. Sybrand Engelbrecht, a 20 year old who hails from the planet Krypton, is possibly the best and most enthusiastic fielder they have on their side. He is all innocence in front of the camera, smiling and freakishly fielding with both hands, almost running Bryce McGain out in the Newlands test.

But his hair and eyes tell a different story. Sybrand is a serial killer, ambidextrously wielding knives in his midnight hunts across Cape Town. He is known in the local newspapers as The Ghost Of The Night, sometimes punnily referred to as The Ghost Of The Knight as he is believed to wear medieval chainmail and armour while committing these despicable acts. Sybrand is the reincarnation of an army Major-General, returning to kill the descendents of enemies who survived his ambidextrous bayonetting prowess.

And he's my new best friend.

"Awesome!!!"

With hair that literally blinds the opposition, Sybrand shrugs off the notoriety of his evil name and has epileptic fits on the field, convulsing in joy as he darts to field balls and run every damn batsman out. He's drawn comparisons to a certain someone who also fielded manically for the SA team a while ago. Why, Jonty Rhodes, of course!

"Not to rub it in his face or anything, but they call me the better Jonty."

"Plus, everyone likes me better because I'm ambidextrous and good at hiding my inner evil."

Sybrand Engelbrecht was a star fielder in the 2008 under-19 World Cup final against India, taking some stunning catches which required impressive feats of athleticism and ambidextrousity. So he was used as a substitute fielder in the recent test between Australia and SA.

"I try not to show off that I'm ambidextrous but it's hard to keep it a secret. Some people are just born special."

"God said, 'Hey you look deserving, I'll give you an amazing talent.' to me when I was in Mother Engelbrecht's womb. I was the Chosen Ambidextrous One."

Sybrand's main goal on the field is to scare the shit out of batsmen and violently pounce upon each and every ball that comes in his half of the field, often cartwheeling instead of running to reach the ball in the outfield. Due to his ability to rest equal pressure on both arms, he is able to cartwheel faster than he can run, creating opportunities for run-outs.

"It's a hard life," he says. "Sometimes I can't cope with my awe-inspiring ability and I cut myself to feel better. But then I see God and he tells me everything's going to be alright, son. You're ambidextrous, not a quadraplegic. It helps me to see the brighter side of life."

Sybrand may be a brilliant fielder, but he wants to be remembered for his batting and bowling as well. For the moment, however, he's happy to have a label. In high school, he was a junior student under AB de Villiers at Afrikaans Boys School in Pretoria.

"AB de Villiers and Michael Clarke are my favourite fielders. AB is world class and Clarke is fast and accurate," he says. But then he continues, "AB first introduced me to God. We were practising a bit of fielding and he said, 'Hey want to see something so good it's almost illegal?' and I said 'Yes' because I thought we were going to shoot up or something. But then AB took me to church and held my hand and prayed. Kneeling there, I saw a ray of sunlight which seemed brighter than the sun itself. That was when I knew I'd seen God. I told AB and he was really excited and stuff and he told the priest who hired an artist who drew a picture of God based on my description." Pause. "It was amazing. They framed it and it's now outside the church."

Sybrand also believes his athletic ability is a secret power in his genes, as his mother Dina and father Sybrand were both gymnasts.

"Yeah, I think it's getting easier to be ambidextrous now. People are more accepting and we're not being forced into freak shows as much. I think the figure's dropped down to 26% now."

He ponders for a moment about all things ambidextrous. "We even have famous ambidextrous people now. Before, we used to be locked up in asylums if we revealed our secret shame. I read a book recently and it said South Africa had one famous ambidextrous person... Oh wait, that's me." Sybrand laughs at his own joke. "I'm pretty amazing, I'll admit it. It's not everyday you get to meet an ambidextrous cricketer who's almost run an Australian out."