He will sing softly in your ear as he murders you in your sleep.
It has come to my attention that South Africa have employed a mutant in their ranks. Sybrand Engelbrecht, a 20 year old who hails from the planet Krypton, is possibly the best and most enthusiastic fielder they have on their side. He is all innocence in front of the camera, smiling and freakishly fielding with both hands, almost running Bryce McGain out in the Newlands test.
But his hair and eyes tell a different story. Sybrand is a serial killer, ambidextrously wielding knives in his midnight hunts across Cape Town. He is known in the local newspapers as The Ghost Of The Night, sometimes punnily referred to as The Ghost Of The Knight as he is believed to wear medieval chainmail and armour while committing these despicable acts. Sybrand is the reincarnation of an army Major-General, returning to kill the descendents of enemies who survived his ambidextrous bayonetting prowess.
And he's my new best friend.
With hair that literally blinds the opposition, Sybrand shrugs off the notoriety of his evil name and has epileptic fits on the field, convulsing in joy as he darts to field balls and run every damn batsman out. He's drawn comparisons to a certain someone who also fielded manically for the SA team a while ago. Why, Jonty Rhodes, of course!
"God said, 'Hey you look deserving, I'll give you an amazing talent.' to me when I was in Mother Engelbrecht's womb. I was the Chosen Ambidextrous One."
Sybrand's main goal on the field is to scare the shit out of batsmen and violently pounce upon each and every ball that comes in his half of the field, often cartwheeling instead of running to reach the ball in the outfield. Due to his ability to rest equal pressure on both arms, he is able to cartwheel faster than he can run, creating opportunities for run-outs.
"It's a hard life," he says. "Sometimes I can't cope with my awe-inspiring ability and I cut myself to feel better. But then I see God and he tells me everything's going to be alright, son. You're ambidextrous, not a quadraplegic. It helps me to see the brighter side of life."
Sybrand may be a brilliant fielder, but he wants to be remembered for his batting and bowling as well. For the moment, however, he's happy to have a label. In high school, he was a junior student under AB de Villiers at Afrikaans Boys School in Pretoria.
"AB de Villiers and Michael Clarke are my favourite fielders. AB is world class and Clarke is fast and accurate," he says. But then he continues, "AB first introduced me to God. We were practising a bit of fielding and he said, 'Hey want to see something so good it's almost illegal?' and I said 'Yes' because I thought we were going to shoot up or something. But then AB took me to church and held my hand and prayed. Kneeling there, I saw a ray of sunlight which seemed brighter than the sun itself. That was when I knew I'd seen God. I told AB and he was really excited and stuff and he told the priest who hired an artist who drew a picture of God based on my description." Pause. "It was amazing. They framed it and it's now outside the church."
Sybrand also believes his athletic ability is a secret power in his genes, as his mother Dina and father Sybrand were both gymnasts.
"Yeah, I think it's getting easier to be ambidextrous now. People are more accepting and we're not being forced into freak shows as much. I think the figure's dropped down to 26% now."
He ponders for a moment about all things ambidextrous. "We even have famous ambidextrous people now. Before, we used to be locked up in asylums if we revealed our secret shame. I read a book recently and it said South Africa had one famous ambidextrous person... Oh wait, that's me." Sybrand laughs at his own joke. "I'm pretty amazing, I'll admit it. It's not everyday you get to meet an ambidextrous cricketer who's almost run an Australian out."