KP thinks he's a star

Surely if you're one of they key players your team relies on to stand a chance of winning matches, you wouldn't actually go say it. In any case, that's not how it's done in England. Just as I'd almost forgotten KP is a South African (and therefore, the following makes total sense), he reminds us otherwise:

"England are not relying on one or two players. If you look at Australia during their good times, if Hayden didn't perform, Gilchrist did."

Fair enough, that's pretty true. But wait for him to essentially place himself in the same league as Hayden:

"The best thing about what's happening now is that if I fail like I did when I got a first-baller at Lord's, we still got a decent total."

Oh, how you make me laugh. It's a miracle, says KP. It's a miracle that England can perform well without him. He's the star player, the man who normally has to do it all. And now he doesn't.

Dear god. It's almost like he's acknowledging the truth, what many people have said. That KP is the key batsman for England, that he can win them matches. But the thing is, nobody has ever come out and said 'Yeah, I'm it. I'm the person who makes things happen for my team.' Yet KP essentially is, and he's managed to disguise it as a humble comment. Amazing.

You're killing me, Albie

Or rather, he's killing himself. What is this injury, this mysterious injury that is plaguing him? It's not so much plaguing him as keeping him firmly tucked away on the sidelines hanging out with the other sick kids of the team, namely Haydos and Badrinath. Not to mention Makhaya Ntini, who is being paid a heck of a lot to act as the team jester for the tournament. Even I could juggle for the Chennai Super Kings if that's all they want out of him, and I'd do it for free.

Anyway, Dhoni says Hayden and Albie will be back for the semis:

"Albie Morkel and Badrinath had niggles and they didn't needed to be rested. We could have played them. We played Badri because we thought our batting would weaken if he is not there. Hayden will be fine. The physio has said so. We could have pushed him to play this match but it is good to have him for the semifinals."

George Bailey, meanwhile, has played more games than anyone ever thought he would. Was that his third last night? He certainly looked happy. But then again, he always looks happy so that's not much to go on.

The top bloke took quite a smashing by the otherwise weak Chennai batting order. Not that it mattered, because their bowling somehow saved them. Strange, that.

I bet you're wondering who top-scored for Chennai. It was Parthiv Patel. Yeah.

Mumbai are out of it

I felt bad for them for a few minutes. Tendulkar looked so disappointed.

But, you know, shit happens. There were probably 5 teams which looked like they had a chance of getting into the semis, and one of them had to go. A series of poor performances by Mumbai led to this.

Meanwhile, Chennai continue to field like a bunch of idiots wearing clown boots, and it's starting to scare me very much. They concede about 20 extra runs a match due to bad fielding on the boundary. It's disturbing.

Albie was alright, Ryan Campbell didn't admit he wants to jump Albie. It's only a matter of time before he does. I swear his eyes glaze over when he talks about Albie. Today Campbell was in form, coming out with the best comments of all:

"If you get funky, you die."

Try relating that back to cricket.

Post-match, Dhoni and Hayden dodge around the topic of Parthiv Patel's general shittiness. They almost made it sound like he's a good player. Luckily, we know better. He was out first ball, a bit of a "fucking hell" moment for him.

And just on a different note, I'm curious about Neil McKenzie. This commentating thing isn't looking like a brief stint, it seems very real. Where is the explanation for it? Does this mean he's... out of it? If it does, what a stupidly quiet way to go. Haydos went out kicking and screaming in a similar situation, but it's like McKenzie just melded into commentating when nobody was looking. I hope he doesn't continue, because he looks like he's at a funeral out there. Some sort of undertaker, really.

Hope you enjoyed Jeremy Coney's "shameleons". I certainly did. And don't forget to vote for Miss Bollywood SA. It's the most important event of all, apparently.

A Tough Question

Can I be arsed watching the rest of the IPL? I've already dwindled down on the matches I catch, and that's usually only because the first one is shown at a time when I don't mind watching it.

But if the IPL were 20 days shorter, I wouldn't be feeling bored right now. Around the same time Lalit Modi is declaring this year's IPL a wonderful success, legions of cricket fans are turned off it completely.

I will watch the finals, because that's the only part of it that counts. And I will watch tonight's match between Chennai and Mumbai. Guess who'll win? Hopefully not the latter. And hopefully - I don't know how many times I'm going to say this before it comes true - Albie will hit the fucking ball and get a decent score.

Raina's ill form in the past few matches has caused him to slip down the leading run scorer's table. He is now 4th, behind Hayden, Gilly, and oh fuck... AB. But only by 4 runs. When did AB get back in the game anyway? There's a margin of almost 160 runs between 1st and 2nd. Hilarious.

The Binga Mails

22/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.

24/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. And I'd bowl better than Bryce. LOL. Alright see you on TV.

27/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Mate you wont believe the emails Binga has been sending me the past week. I reckon he wants to be back in the side for these Tests. When we're already winning and kicking those saffer asses. Forwarding his emails to you...

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Quick update
Email: You haven't replied to my other two emails. I get it, you must be very busy in South Africa. Nice country. I've always wanted to go there.

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Just wondering
Email: Hey mate you didnt reply to my other email, why not? Was a bit worried that maybe you were hurt or the email didnt get through. Anyway, just sending it again. Ankle's so good now I can bowl 30 overs a day. Yeah that good. How's the bowling coming along? Mitch is doing alright but I think even he would appreciate a fast bowling mentor to help him along. Alright see you on TV. LOL.

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Good to see you mate
Email: Hey Punter! Looking good... the team I mean LOL... Philly's shaping up nicely, sad about Haydos but its nice to see someone stepping up... sort of like the situation with me. You must be wishing I were there to help you win against the saffers by an even BIGGER margin. hehe. Mitch hasn't quite got my pace eh? Just wanted to update you on my ankle, it's looking good. Like my bowling.

29/03/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: Catch a load of this
Email: Binga's gone mental and is desperate to be back in the side. HAHA! Thought you'd want to see what the little cunt was sending me. I've already forwarded the emails to Mitch, thought I'd sent them to you too. But forget sending them to Gilly, we still have to punish him for walking all the time. We missed you for a bit mate, but then we got Phil. Anyway, have to go kick more saffer butt.

30/03/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Catch a load of this
Email: I just called the idiot up and told him I thought he had a good chance of making it back on the team in April sometime. He must be gelling his hair already. And I've been too busy to watch the matches, but I did see Hughes hitting the ball a few times. Don't want to say too much in case he reads this email but let's just say I could do better even at this age. Oh well, your loss.

30/03/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: LOOK HERE! IMPORTANT!
Email: Tell him you'll have a chat to the selectors. Then don't. Binga could never hit the almost-centuries that I can, could he?

31/03/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Hows it going Punter?
Email: Almost been a week since me last email. You haven't replied to any. What's going on? I can understand if you're too busy. Sent you a few texts too in the past few days. You haven't replied to any.

1/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.

2/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Letting you know...
Email: I just checked my calendar. I'm free for all of April. How coincidental.

2/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Letting you know...
Email: HAHAHAHAHAHA the little cunt.

3/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo

4/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com
Subject: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: Disappointing T20s mate... I was watching and thinking I could have been of use. If I was there. Just got word from the folks at IPL. I'm flying over to South Africa soon to train. Going to be in Port Elizabeth when you are. Coincidence! Maybe I could chip in with the fifty over matches eh? Can't wait to see you in SA. xoxo

5/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: FW: Another UPDATE
Email: The disgusting faggot. Had to wash myself in holy water and pray for an hour to get rid of the gay germs from that email. Went out for a drink afterwards and trashed the place.

6/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: in South Africa!
Email: Hey ricky im here! writing from an internet cafe was so excited i had to send this email to you before getting to hotel. We will meet in PE. bye

7/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Bad news, mate. Looks like Sidds is sick. We won't be going to Port Elizabeth after all. Don't bother looking for us. Cheers.

7/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: in South Africa!
Email: Good to see your reply!!!!!! Shame about Sidds. Maybe he got SIDS. ROFL! But I called CA and they said he was fine. Did he get better already? I guess you're coming to PE after all! I've been working on my bowling for a while, yesterday I bowled Kato with a real fast one. He couldn't even see it coming. Think I could help with the Pak matches, they can't play me at all.

8/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: koolkato@gmail.com
Subject: You wont believe it
Email: Binga sent me an email. He reckons he's ten times better than you as a player and that you can't bat for shit. He also said you're scared of Sreesanth at your training camp and that you run away from him like the pussy you are. Just sticking my neck out for a mate and telling you what Binga said. Make sure to wring his neck a little for me.

9/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: That fucking cunt
Email: Theres no fuckin way Im scared of Sreesanth. Made sure to tell Binga that the stupid bitch. I got a good punch in but then Yuvraj got involved and I ended up hitting him instead. Tell Pup I love him.

10/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: Sorry mate
Email: I hate to break this to you mate but the selectors dont want a good for nothing pussy asswipe in the side. Theyre looking for spinners and even as a quick you dont have anything that Mitch does. He's a good mate of mine. Anyway I'm not going to UAE for the matches. Going to catch up on rest. Got the Ashes coming up. Wouldn't want to be unfit for those. I hope you get a Pak match, not like we need you for the Ashes. That's Mitch's job.

11/04/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Sorry mate
Email: I'm going to UAE. The selectors said I might be a chance for the Ashes yet. I'd like to open the bowling for the first match. Remember 2007? I was good, wasn't I?

12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.

12/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: haydosatsea@gmail.com; koolkato@gmail.com; mitchthebitch@gmail.com; laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: I really showed him! FW: RE: RE: Sorry mate
Email: Frankly mate I don't give a flying fuck whether you play or not. Mitch is my man now. Stop sending me emails I'm too famous for you.

13/04/09
From: haydosatsea@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Hahahahahaha

13/04/09
From: koolkato@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Way to go mate. That little bitch wont be sending you emails for a long time.

13/04/09
From: mitchthebitch@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Good one. He's never gotten a 97 before. He doesn't deserve to be on the side.

13/04/09
From: laraandpup@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: It's a bit funny but don't you think it's also rude? Lara says we should be kind to our team mates to foster good team spirit. just saying.

13/04/09
From: notmrcricket@gmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: RE: I really showed him!
Email: You're being very mean to Binga. He's an alright bloke, what's wrong with him?

14/04/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: laraandpup@gmail.com; notmrcricket@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: I really showed him!
Email: Oh fuck off both of you. Neither of you can bat, especially you Huss. Up yours, Pup. Lara's a hag.

One month later...

16/05/09
From: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
To: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
Subject: 3/15
Email: 3/15. Looks like someone's going to the Ashes.

16/05/09
From: rickyisntpicky@gmail.com
To: bingaishot123@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 3/15
Email: Twenty20 is for cunts.

ffffffffffffffffff

Jacques Kallis 2/15 or some such.

I am living my nightmare.

It's made worse by the fact the match is being delayed by almost an hour here and all I know is that fat Jacques is about to strike very soon.

Dhoni's fighting out there with Haydos.

I think Albie's coming in next. Excellent.

Albie, you son of a gun

Did you see him bowl? Did you? Did you see him almost get Graeme Smith out first ball? Did you? DID YOU THEN SEE HIM GET OJHA OUT? Hahaha.

By the way Raj, I said I'd dedicate a post to you when Chennai won. Here it is. I hope you convert sometime soon because Chennai are likely to go to the semis and beat the crap out of every other team. Woohoo.

So Morne had been sent off and Shane Harwood brought in, a tactic to allow Badrinath to hit a mammoth over off him. That was funny, wasn't it? The Badri Assault, not to mention Haydos facing off Warnie and coming out the winner. So maybe he got out to Warnie, but he still hit him for six. Good times.

2 out of 2 for Chennai. That's looking good, considering they couldn't face Rajasthan last year.

Chennai were so good they didn't even need Dhoni or Albie to bat. Oram came in, and in the field he did some good work. Actually, they all did good work in the field, especially Raina. I've said this before but his weirdly shaped head is so much more endearing now.

So much for Chennai not being able to chase well. TAKE THAT, WARNIE. Chennai win... in your face.

Note: I'm choosing not to mention that highly disturbing over by Albie. My subconscious is helping me block it out.

Julio the Crocodile Hunter

Sara has sent in a very fascinating link to an interview with Dale Steyn at Cricinfo. It is revealing, to say the least. They have used the infamous picture of AB and Dale (of Love Saga fame) to accompany what is at times a funny interview. Funny in that you will laugh at Dale.


Take, for example:

I caught a crocodile not so long ago and it was a total accident... I can write about it in my book one day.

Talk about confidence and planning for the future, Dale Steyn's already got a bestseller mapped out in his head, to be titled: The Steyninator 101, a sort of glorified choose-your-own-adventure story of his life in which you battle mutant cows and overgrown cane toads.

My grandparents call me Champ. All my team-mates call me Julio. AB de Villiers gave it to me about five years ago and it just stuck. There is no real reason for it.

That's just real Love Saga material. Having insider nicknames for each other. "Julio" is a combination of both "Juliet" and "Romeo". BET YOU NEVER KNEW THAT. See, this is why I'm here. To tell you this stuff. I thought Steynki was enough, but apparently we now have to deal with a Julio as well.

Which cricketer would you pick to go with on a trip into the wild?
Actually I'll have to take both Morkel brothers - Albie and Morne. All three of us enjoy fishing, and they have a long history going into the bush and stuff like that, so they know their way around in the wild.

Strangely bizarre, sounds like Albie and Morne had a horrible childhood in which their manic father would regularly take them for trips into the wild to hunt tigers. He had a moustache and to this date, whenever Albie or Morne see a person with a stache they are reminded of their father and the bits of deer that used to be permanently lodged above his lip from eating raw meat in the jungle.

But a better story would be one of Morne and Albie being trained in the sounds of the jungle, clicking their tongues and waiting for the response from the wild animals to tell them which way is north. Or better yet, a Tarzan-style knowledge of the wild to accompany Julio's wild rampages as he chases deer over land, trying to become a Deer Hunter too. Robert De Niro was always his favourite actor.

If you were to play James Bond, who would you pick as the female lead? Not counting your girlfriend.
You're gonna have to put my girlfriend, purely because she is an actress. Jeanne Kietzmann is her name and you need to put it down. Otherwise Natalie Portman, because she looks similar.

I do believe they said "not counting your girlfriend" or maybe he thought they'd just stuck that in there for no reason and that they didn't know Jeanne was an actress. However, the rather interchangeable Jeanne is odd. It's kind of creepy going around and figuring out which actress your girlfriend looks like. Maybe it's on Jeanne's CV: "Looks like Natalie Portman."

Tell us about one sledge you will never forget.
I still remember what Matthew Hayden said in my very first Test against Australia, last year in Perth. I bowled the first ball of the match to Simon Katich and it ran wide and Mark Boucher took it in front of first slip. Hayden turned around and said I was going to be so nervous the whole game that I would bowling wides for the rest of the game. I shot back saying, "I doubt that I'm the nervous one because I don't have to come a day before the Test and sit in the middle of the pitch and try and visualise where I'm going to score my first runs." It was an interesting chat we had.

Good one. Did it take you all of half an hour to say that? And who's willing to bet Haydos didn't understand a single word of it, especially if Julio said it in a retarded saffa accent.

Imagine Steyn all proud of himself for coming up with an irritatingly long "insult" and looking rather pleased with himself afterwards even though he was the only person who understood it. And imagine him thinking it was such a clever response he decided to recite it word for word to a reporter 6 months later, citing it as the "one sledge you'll never forget".

If you want a real sledge, take Eddo Brandes vs. McGrath:
"Why are you so fat?"
"Because everytime I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Or even Arjuna Ranatunga replying to Ian Healy's classic "Bowl a Mars Bar half way down...We'll get him stumped." with a particularly hilarious, "Nah, Boonie fielding at short leg will be onto it before I can move."

But "I doubt that I'm the nervous one because I don't have to come a day before the Test and sit in the middle of the pitch and try and visualise where I'm going to score my first runs" ?

That's Julio the Crocodile Hunter for you.

D/L does it again

I watched the first half hour of this match, but then felt death sinking upon me and fell asleep. Shame, apparently dear Duckworth and Lewis have ensured their legacy remains for years to come.

But looking over the scorecard, I'm highly disturbed by Albie's economy rate of 12.00. What the fuck, was he trying to hand the match over to Punjab? DICKHEAD.

As usual, Raina has pulled through in both his batting and bowling. How I am liking his oddly shaped head more and more these days.

My only problem is that Sreesanth got Hayden's wicket when he could have gone on to beat AB's 105*. I saw some highlights, his ridiculous celebrations after the wicket are well deserving of a visit from Harbhajan. Someone send Bhaji around to Sreesanth's room. Thanks.

Chennai narrowly escape a loss and now head to the top of the table.

Sachin enjoys his ice-cream

This has got to be one of the most bizarre things I have ever read. I feel as though it's all some sort of huge joke, because it is just so strange. Like something out of a dream in which you stroll down the street and meet a multitude of interesting people in the most odd places:

Hunting for veggies, I bumped into Dhoni and Raina tucked away in a corner at Nando’s.

What were they doing alone there, tucked away in a little corner? Why couldn't they eat in the public eye, and what's more, why was VB hunting for veggies in a corner at Nando's?

Dhoni suggested that a veg platter would be an ideal meal to have. But I was more concerned for his finger and enquired if he was applying ice. He winked and shrugged his shoulders, obviously meaning he had not shown enough attention to it.

I'm trying to imagine Dhoni tucked away in a little corner, with Raina in his lap, winking at someone.

I threatened to find him a South Indian girl as life partner if he continued to neglect!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOUTH INDIAN GIRLS, I ASK? I know a few. Nothing is the answer. Wait, does the joke have something to do with a caretaker wife? I thought so. Meanwhile, in this bizarre tale, VB tells the South Indian girl joke and the 3 of them burst into raucous laughter.

On the way back, I was surprised to see Sachin and Zak (Zaheer Khan) enjoying ice creams.

WHAT IS GOING ON? Imagine Sachin standing on the street, surreptitiously licking his ice-cream.

This is evident from the passion exhibited by Haydos for surfing. He can talk and surf for hours on end.

Ideally, in this strange dream, Haydos would surf up to you on the dry street and talk while surfing. A remarkable achievement.

In contrast, Jacob Oram, besides pouring over a variety of books, spends his time following the soccer and rugby circuits.

Am I the only one who didn't know Jacob Oram was a rather bookish individual? Again, in this strange dream, he would be wandering down the street, glasses perched on the end of his nose, reciting Shakespeare aloud.

And those are the adventures of the Chennai Super Kings taken straight out of Bizarro World.

Jacques in the Top 5

Q has the current leading run scorers in the IPL up on his blog. I've never really looked at these as they're updated. Last I heard AB was somewhere in the top 5, but thankfully, he dropped out quickly.

Leading Batsmen
1. Matthew Hayden (CSK) - 6 inn, 246 runs at 41.00
2. Suresh Raina (CSK) - 6 inn, 232 runs at 38.67
3. Brad Hodge (KKR) - 7 inn, 230 runs at 46.00
4. Jacques Kallis (RCB) - 7 inn, 220 runs at 36.67
5. Adam Gilchrist (DC) - 6 inn, 210 runs at 41.80

What the fuck is Jacques Kallis doing on that list? NOOOOOOOOOO the world is crumbling around me.

Devastating is what this is. Kallis has made a mockery of T20 cricket. Maybe people will actually start believing he's a real T20 batsman. That would be the worst day of my life.

And for anyone who says his figures speak for themselves, SO DO HIS BOWLING FIGURES.

Strike while the iron is hot

That phrase has never applied as much as it has now.

Deccan Chargers, leaders in the competition, coming off back-to-back losses.
Chennai, far from the best team in the competition, coming off back-to-back wins.

If there was ever a time Chennai could win, now is it. I'm saddened to say I've almost given up hope that Albie will go shit crazy and smash the ball to smithereens. It hasn't happened for a while now, even if you discount the IPL. He'll probably get a fifth of the runs in this season than he did last year. Sort of embarrassing for everyone involved, really.

My only consolation is that his younger freakier brother hasn't had a chance to outshine him yet. It's bad enough dealing with the presence of AB, I don't think I could handle a possibly in-form Morne either.

So Chennai, I don't really know what kind of a city you are, but you have an okay IPL franchise and you have a rather good South African all-rounder in your midst who is "pathetic", according to Dhoni (okay, well, Dhoni called himself pathetic, but Albie is therefore pathetic by proxy). If you win this game, there's more of a chance Albie will kick AB's ass in the finals and not just drop out of the competition all together. There's even a chance that George Bailey will get a game and stop smiling so there's always that to consider too. Even Tassies deserve to be treated like human beings, even if they are the scum and inbreds* of Australia.

I know you'll be thinking, "We can't let a team with a rapist through to the semis" and I completely understand. I wouldn't want to do the same either. But you'll be letting Matty Hayden play for longer, or bully for longer, however you wish to put it. Plus, you'll get to see more of Murali's eyes and that's always a funny thing. Even if the team shattered the hopes of my best friend Napoleon Einstein, they're still only at a 5 on the evil scale. Dhoni brings it down a little. You want him to succeed, right?

So do your bit, Chennai, and beat Church today, both literally and metaphorically.

*Proven by extensive scientific research conducted on Ricky Ponting, so don't you "human rights" me.

Live streaming and Albie

I'm watching the game through some very dodgy live streaming online because apparently One doesn't think broadcasting the IPL live is good enough.

FUCK YOU ALBIE. JUST FUCK YOU.

Thank god for Hayden and Oram.

RAINA IS ON DRUGS. HE GOT GILLY OUT. Anyway, this is a joke. DC will still get there with plenty to spare.

Who Plays Who

Deccan vs. Mumbai
Chennai vs. Kolkata

Will we see more Gilly theatrics? I hope so. They'll be up against the best bowling attack in the tournament, so their relatively small top and middle order will have to get some real work in against Mumbai.

Will we see a weaker Chennai? That's an interesting question. Theoretically, Chennai should be a weaker side in their lacklustre bowling department with the absence of Freddie, but as we all know, he hasn't exactly been doing them any favours with his bowling. Last match we saw Balaji come out with the best figures. I don't think that will be happening again, to be honest. I'm inclined to think Chennai will play Oram tonight. He was unimpressive in the first match, but then again, it was only one match. He's sat out the rest and maybe it's time he played.

Chennai's batting is looking alright. If Dhoni's keeping again, hopefully they'll take Parthiv Patel off. He isn't exactly the best choice for the powerplay in those first 6 overs, especially when he isn't of use as a wicketkeeper. It doesn't make sense to keep him on.

Haydos is looking good, and is currently the leading run scorer in the tournament. I wonder if after the last match, when he was given his orange cap in the innings break, the IPL organisers had wrestled it off Dravid.

Dhoni also needs to get going today, as does Albie, and whoever comes in at 6. Raina will also need to put on a decent performance. I am nervous for Albie. He needs to put on a big score today to convince everyone he's up and going. And he won't have Freddie to comfort him after the game if they have another devastating loss.

Kolkata... well, we'll see. They could well be a threat, but if Chennai perform to their potential, it shouldn't be too difficult to silence them. Look out for Mendis if he plays. Chennai's reliance on foreign players means they will be the most vulnerable to Mendis' crafty bowling, having not played him before.

Albie you stupid idiot

Drops AB on 50. AB goes on to make 100 off 51 balls. Albie fumbles an absolute sitter after taking a similarly easy catch of Sehwag earlier.

Even the wicket of Dilshan doesn't make up for that horrendous dropped catch.

Apparently AB was the one who got my memo to Hayden telling him that Jesus was literally inside him. His strike rate was almost 200.

A small part of me was disgusted by AB's maiden IPL century (and the first ton of this IPL season), but fuck, that was a good century. 6 sixes, something like 5 fours. Quite a few off Albie, not sparing him the way Albie had spared AB. AB might not be a powerhitter, but he's classy and makes it look effortless.

Delhi posted 189/5.

The immense relief I felt when Hayden came on, rearing to go, was reminscent of the Australia of past. You'd think it was Gilly down the other end judging by the number of times I've felt this way before. Harsha Bogle thinks Hayden's Australia's answer to ODI openers. And he's not that far off in terms of ability.

AB caught Parthiv Patel, already the golden boy of the IPL. You can almost see the commentators smiling at his sunny disposition. He kisses his hands after taking the catch, probably thinking he's humbly kissing the Lord's hands. AB then goes and takes a great catch for Raina's wicket. I bet he thinks he's amazing. Someone bring Sybrand on.

Flintoff's happy face in the intro shot could give AB a run for his money.

Then it's Albie's turn to redeem himself. He dropped that vital catch earlier, didn't he? Albie looks around nervously, gets frightened by overhead cameras, has his very few fours stopped by a persistent AB (the commentators are all over the bastard, talking about back rubs and massages) and eventually does SHIT ALL to help Chennai win. 13 off 14. I BITE MY THUMB AT YOU, SIR.

And seriously, someone needed to get David Warner the fuck off the field. Goddamn substitute. Who was he there for, anyway? I think I missed that when I walked out for a while.

Fucking shit. I blame Albie.

And when I've had time to think about it, I might just blame Freddie too.

Tit for tat, fit for fat - CSK vs. Bangalore

What an interesting match for all of 10 overs. To be fair, it wasn't anywhere near as boring as the opening match, and in comparison, it was like the diamond standard of cricket. From the start, fellas:

The entire Bangalore team turns up to the toss to present the orange and purple caps for Most Runs in Competition and Most Wickets in Competition respectively. It's Dravid and Kumble, but as we find out later, Haydos must wrestle the orange cap off Dravid during the innings break, because he's sporting it later.

KP is nice enough to say 'The great Jacques Kallis is back." What rubbish. If you haven't already guessed this is what the title of this post is referring to: tit for tat, fit for fat. Because Jesse Ryder is actually fit.

Hayden put down first ball, goes on to make 60 odd. He's also dropped in the 10th over, but it's a far more difficult catch and out of everyone's range. Still, KP is murderously angry and he mutters a few things to himself, before putting on his "pleased captain" face and clapping encouragingly at the other players. At least the guy is trying.

Dale Steyn looked to be on ampethamines as usual. The trademark manic facial expression, frenzied walking, twitching, making weird faces at batsmen. The shortened prison inmate haircut.

Kallis is fittingly hit all around the ground, and goes for 20 in his first over. Hayden does most of the damage. Good man. Although, I have to say, Jacques Kallis was looking good out there, like sexy good. Haha, okay, I won't even joke about something as disturbing as that. My bad. Apologies.

Matty Hayden brings up his 3rd IPL 50, getting 53 off 22 deliveries. That's the fastest half-century for any CSK player ever.

The commentators have chats to Stephen Fleming and other players, asking them about the time out. It's hilarious to hear everyone dodging the truth and lying through their teeth about it. It has never been easier to hear the underlying thoughts behind someone's words before. They all think it's shit, but aren't at liberty to disclose this opinion. Frankly, it's a load of bullshit. I can deal with ads thrown in between overs, after wickets, after no balls even, because it's only disrupting my viewing of the game. But when advertising starts to intrude on the game itself, that's crossing the line.

We saw it again today with Chennai losing their momentum during the tactical time-out. I believe it was Tom Moody who said after Punjab's loss the other night that "We had seven and a half minutes to lose the momentum". That's the best anyone has ever put it. I'm going to burn an effigy of Lalit Modi because he's the figurehead of the IPL and therefore responsible for this outrage.

How good were the CSK cheerleaders? Not good, exactly, but more interesting than the others. They pwned the White Mischief Gals out there with their new moves. You could see them chatting away with each other trying to come up with some Bollywood-esque moves to match the music. Chennai Super Kings also had a drummer, who was there when Murali was presented with the MoM award.

After the time-out, Kevvy comes in and two wickets are gone in the next two balls. Bowled Parthiv Patel and Haydos run out next ball because of Suresh Raina. I wonder if KP will continue bowling to batsmen who aren't ready. Just a thought.

Cut to Ray Rennings who believes Bangalore can "confidently chase 180 or 190." My ass.

Dale Steyn drops Suresh Raina in an absolute sitter. He was actually doing a favour for his own team, because Raina continued to occupy the crease at a very ODI 28 off 29 balls. What the fuck does he think he's playing? Ryan Campbell went on and on about this during the ad breaks, as though he was the only person who didn't prefer Raina to perhaps Flintoff or Morkel. I do agree with it, but fuck, I'd love for Campbell to shut his trap.

Thank fuck Raina is out at the end of the 19th over, allowing Albie onto the field alongside Freddie. Albie hits the first ball for 4, great shot, and the next one is a definite 4 but it's saved by Robin Uthappa who is keeping. Dale Steyn is given a totally ridiculous wide call which pisses him off a little, and rightly so. But he has his revenge and bowls Albie on the last ball. 5 off 3. Imagine what he could have done with 29 balls. Fucking Raina.

179/5 after 20 overs. The highest T20 score ever at Sahara Park in Port Elizabeth.

Then Bangalore are on and there's the usual shindig of the entire team collapsing, save for the Wall.

Balaji feeds Jacques Kallis a couple of half volleys, which Kallis easily sends away for 4. What the fuck is wrong with Kallis? His strike rate is over 100.

Albie's on, and he pretends to appeal, even managing to conjure up fake indignation when the umpire calls wide. Good times. In his next over, he gets Jacques Kallis out lbw. Great. Someone needed to get the fat prick out. Kallis leaves with 24 off 19 balls, a miracle by his standards.

As with every match, there's a stupid glory shot of the IPL trophy. I bet nobody saw Lalit Modi humping it earlier on.

Then KP's out lbw off Murali. He's pissed. He thinks he got bat on it. Simon Taufel thinks not. It's okay, because KP will have his revenge later on, during the tactical time-out. KP tells Virat Kohli to hit the ball directly at Simon Taufel first ball of the 11th over. Kohli obliges his angry captain. Taufel is none the wiser as to who ordered the attack on him.

Dravid tries to put up a stand but runs out of partners and is eventually caught by Flintoff. Bangalore are bowled out for 87, losing by 92 runs. Shameful.

Presentation ceremony, KP calls Hayden a "genius". Wow.
Dhoni thinks "we definitely need to improve on our bowling". I'm not too sure about the "definitely". That's an odd thing to say after your bowlers have been brilliant.
Murali is MoM for his 3 wickets for 11. Okay, that's good. He thinks Haydos should have gotten it.
Hayden walks away with the orange cap he claimed off Dravid.

KP Watch:
Looking out for KP's hugging, I saw him hugging bowlers with one arm as he spoke to them. That's all for the night, however. He was tense the rest of the time.
I'm going to fess up here and say that I want KP to do well in this tournament. I don't know why, but I'm backing him as well now. So there you go. I never thought this day would come.

Ryan Campbell's expert advice of the night:
"He perhaps had a very good set of manboobies last year." -On Robin Uthappa, and yes, "manboobies"

Giving fashion advice to Dravid, outing his "light blue undershirt beneath red uniform" as a fashion no-no. This was a joint Wingard and Campbell discussion. They also gave a bad fashion rating to the purple and orange coloured caps.

"The doosra - the one that goes the other way - was fantastic."
Thanks for that explanation, Einstein.

"I got caught up in the glitz and glamour of Shuk Rah Khan."

Campbell thinks that Chennai should conspire during the tactical time-out to "run out Patel".

Ryan Campbell is "not too convinced with Patel, especially when they have Morkel and Flintoff down the order."
Now, I know Ryan rates Albie as one of his top 3 T20 batsmen, and is strangely enthusiastic about seeing him on the field, WHAT THE FUCK? Why the hell would you send Albie or Freddie in to open the batting? Christ.

Ad of the day:
Lazypatch duvet suit - walking around with a bodysuit which is essentially one giant blanket. Only you can't escape it because it's also a bodysuit.

"We are friends."

The Handsome Freddie

That is VB Chandrasekhar, talking about Flintoff on his blog. My oh my, this Freddie, so handsome.

He also talks about Matty Hayden's son "attacking his birthday cake with glee". Because they celebrated little Joshua's birthday. If you say Joshi fast, it sounds like Yoshi. I always did like Yoshi.


And I also just noticed something about Albie Morkel's wikipedia entry. Somebody decided to post up a rather hilarious description of his personal life:

In 2006 he married Teigan Testa and they have four children, two sons and two daughters, Phoebe(2007), Annabel (2007), Samuel (2008) and Sebastian (2009).

Quite the prolific breeder, that Albie.

Annual Cricket Trivia Night: Australia vs. India

*CUE DRAMATIC OPENING TITLES AND MUSIC*
*CAMERA PANS ACROSS AUDIENCE, BEFORE ZOOMING INTO STAGE*

Navjot Singh Sidhu: Good evening! Welcome to the Annual Cricket Trivia Night, sponsored by the funds from my Pro-Road Rage campaign. After last year's success with England and Zimbabwe, we have returned once more!

*CROWD GOES WILD*

Sidhu: Tonight's hosts are myself and a man who, despite his smooth looks, never found himself playing a Test for England. Yes, that's right, it's the one and only MARK NICHOLAS!

*CROWD ERUPTS INTO APPLAUSE*

Mark Nicholas: *steps onto stage* By heaven! What a huge audience! Well, it's going to become a little bigger because tonight we don't have one, no not one, not even two, not two, but FOUR hosts. You heard right, FOUR HOSTS!
Sidhu: The wind is in the willows but so are the leaves! Come on down, Geoffrey Boycott and Bill Lawry!
Bill Lawry: *walks onto stage alone*
Nicholas: But what is this? Where is Geoff? *smile plays at his lips* Well, I can give you the answer to that! Tonight Geoff has brought along a very special guest and they're behind the scenes in a special... DUNK TANK!

*CROWD ROARS IN APPRECIATION*

Lawry: That's right, we're going to be video conferencing with Geoff the entire night as he toughs it out with last year's champion player STEVE HARMISON! This year, to spice things up a little, Steve has volunteered to be the victim of our dunk tank at the end of the night.

*ON SCREEN*

Geoffrey Boycott: Yes, Steve was kind enough to grace us with his presence, especially after those comments he recently came out with about me. I'm a caricature, hey? A joke? People cringe when they see me? Well, everyone's going to be cringing at the end of tonight when you've just been dunked in FISHY WATER!

*CROWD CHEERS*
*CAMERA ZOOMS INTO MURKY WATER BENEATH HARMY AND ON A SARDINE PRESSED AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE DUNK TANK*

Steve Harmison: I divvent noo you was bringing me into toon foor this.
Boycott: Back to you, Bill!
Lawry: It's all happening!
Nicholas: Beauty, yes! Let's introduce tonight's teams. They are: the lean mean bullying machine, AUSTRALIA!

*CROWD CHEERS*

Nicholas: And on the other side, the team that has orchestrated more inter-nation power struggles than any other in the history of cricket, give it up for INDIA!

*CROWD BOOS*

Sidhu: Cockatoos often boo on fine summer days, but partisanship is the most delectable entity of modern day society!

*CROWD IS SILENT*

Lawry: Bang! Let's meet the teams. Each team has six representatives, whether current players or retired, and their one goal is to ANSWER THE QUESTIONS! First up, Australia! Tonight's team consists of the one, the only, RICKY PONTING! His soon-to-be successor, MICHAEL CLARKE! ANDREW "GONE FISHING" SYMONDS!!! Recently retired but still as bullish as ever, MATTHEW HAYDEN! The best leg spinner in history, SHANE WARNE! And finally, he began with a bang and has recently experienced a slump in form. We think he won't make it, but at least he's made it here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, IT'S MICHAEL HUSSEY!

*CROWD GOES WILD*

Sidhu: On the Indian side, we have 6 players, 5 of whom are not here tonight! Sorry, Harbhajan, we told you your team mates would be turning up, but we LIED in order to isolate you on live television. Anything for an Australian audience!
Harbhajan: Shit, I should have known this was an ambush.
Sidhu: Instead of your team mates, we now have 5 dummies which you will provide voices for, sort of like a ventriloquist, only more obvious. Dead as a dodo, here are your team mates: Gautam Gambhir! Ishant Sharma! Sachin Tendulkar! Mahendra Singh Dhoni! And.... VIRENDER SEHWAG!

*CROWD CHEERS AT THIS NEW TWIST*

Nicholas: Before we begin, I'd just like to invite viewers at home to send in their thoughts on the game or any questions for players! Go wild by text or email!
Harmy: Wot's going un?
Boycott: The first round of Annual Cricket Trivia Night! What Am I? The first question is for the Australian team. Hands on your buzzers, boys. Here goes: What Am I? I am a famous Australian horse race and stopping the nation--
Ponting: *buzzes in* The Melbourne Cup!
Boycott: ...And stopping the nation is the one thing I don't do. Incorrect! The correct answer was the Birdsville Races!
Matt Hayden: *to Ponting* I thought you knew about this kind of shit, Punter. Now we're going to lose to a racist nigger.
Mike Hussey: That's ironic...
Sidhu: Ironic it is! The darling buds of May simmer gently in the wafting breeze. A question for the Indian team now: What Am I? I'm an obnoxious little weed.
Harbhajan: ...Me?
Hayden: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!
Symonds: THAT'LL TEACH YOU!
Sidhu: Incorrect! The answer is milfoil!
Lawry: Got him, yes! This is a ripper of a game!
Nicholas: Crikey O'Reilly! Let's move onto the next round, Spotlight, in which we focus on one player in each team and ask him a question which they must respond with the truth to!
Boycott: BUT WAIT!

*CROWD GASPS IN UNISON*

Boycott: We have received our first viewer message of the night!

*CROUD CHEERS LOUDLY*

Boycott: It's from a "Bianca" in England. And it's a message for Shane!
Shane Warne: *looks up from mobile phone in horror*
Boycott: Yes, Bianca writes "Hey Warnie, thanks for the text. I didn't know you fancied me, but I'd be more than happy to come in through your back door."
Warne: *to crowd* I swear, Simone, that text was meant for you!
Simone (in audience): *stands* You pathetic bastard! *storms out of studio*

*CROWD BUZZES WITH EXCITEMENT*

Sidhu: My, my, only a little while in, and things are already heating up! Your kentucky fried chicken might be hot but so is Warnie's mattress! He is like a one-legged man in a bum-kicking competition!
Nicholas: Moving onto the second round, then? The Australian team is up and who will the spotlight focus on?

*LIGHTS HOVER OVER EACH PLAYER BEFORE COMING TO A PAUSE ON HAYDEN'S HEAD*

Nicholas: It's Matty Hayden! Here's your question: In your own words, who is Ellen DeGeneres?
Hayden: *spits* The devil's agent! *clutches crucifix* Lord, protect me from her evil ways. What Would Jesus Do? Fuck this shit, he'd kill her. Oh Lord, Lord, may you be with me and may you expel the devil from her soul, preferably through death. Amen.
Nicholas: Beauty, yes! Oh yes that's it! What a response! That's maximum!
Lawry: I think it's time we moved onto the Indian team. The spotlight has fallen on... *dramatic pause* Dhoni!
Harbhajan: *sits awkwardly*
Lawry: Dhoni, in 25 words or less, how does it feel to be targeted and threatened by political activists?
Harbhajan/Dhoni: ...Bad.
Lawry: Got him, yes! What a cracker of a response!

*CROWD BOOS*

Boycott: I think I have the perfect thing to cheer up our audience! It's another message from a viewer!

*CROWD CHEERS WILDLY*

Boycott: Yes, this one's from a Lara Bingle. She says: "Where the bloody hell are you?" Not sure what that one's about, but anyway... On with the game?
Sidhu: On with the game or on with the illusions! Magic sultanas breathe quietly in a quiet chamber! Round 3 is Beatlemania.
Nicholas: This was our most successful game last year. The ladies in the crowd particularly loved Freddie Flintoff's cricketing rendition of 'Sexy Sadie'. Who will be singing the songs this year? Let's find out...
Lawry: On the Australian team, we have picked MIKE HUSSEY to sing for us tonight!

*CROWD CHEERS*

Lawry: Now, Mike, you have to pick a Beatles song and edit the lyrics to make it related to cricket. The most creative song wins tonight's Trivia Night so everyone can watch Steve Harmison being dunked in fishy water!

*CROWD APPLAUDS*

Lawry: Off you go, Mike.
Hussey: Right, well...
Yesterday,
Cricket was such an easy game to play,
Now it looks as though I'm shit at playing,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be.
The selectors are hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came shittily.

Why I
Had to be so shit, I couldn't say.
I did
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Boycott: *interrupting* Yes, I think we know how the rest of the song goes. Next, please. Harbhajan's up.
Harbhajan: Uh...
Help, I need somebody,
Help, these people are crazy,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now I've been ambushed by Sidhu and co.
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm freaked out.
And I do appreciate you helping out.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

Boycott: Yes, we know how that one goes too. Mike Hussey and the Australians win for their heartfelt rendition of 'Yesterday'. Now can we get along to the REAL highlight of the night, that is, dunking Steve Harmison here in fishy water?

*CROWD GOES WILD AND RISES TO THEIR FEET*

Harmy: Help me please, I've been up here ale neet.
Sidhu: Dunk him, Geoff!
Boycott: *pushes Harmison into tank of fishy water*
Nicholas: Crikey O'Reilly! What a sight! What a night!
Lawry: I couldn't agree with you more.
Sidhu: *to audience* That's all for this year's Annual Cricket Trivia Night. Tune in next year, and remember, you may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg! Good night!

*CROWD CHEERS WILDLY*
*CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND ACROSS AUDIENCE*
*CUE CLOSING TITLES OVER A VIDEO FEED OF HARMY STEPPING OUT OF THE DUNK TANK*

Buchanan speaks the obvious

Apparently Australia had a brilliant opening pair who helped them immensely in dominating the game, before they retired in fairly quick succession of each other.

And now Australia are fucked.

His words, not mine.