Bracken Rates Albie

Any validation is welcome after the not-so-illustrious IPL. If you opened up your non-tabloid morning paper, you'd find an article in which Nathan Bracken attempts to retain some of his supposed notoriety as one of the best limited overs bowlers in the world.

It's all irrelevant, except for the part where he accidently lets slip just how afraid he is of Albie Morkel:

"Guys like Jacob Oram [New Zealand] and Albie Morkel [South Africa] have their shots. So it is important not to make a mistake, not to miss the mark."

Now, you might not be able to interpret that there, but being the kind individual that I am, I will helpfully translate that for you:

"There's that pussy Jacob Oram who doesn't want to play Tests. If my country wanted me to, I sure would. That doesn't mean they don't want me to. Of course they do. Hilditch is at my door every day begging me to be on the Test team but I say no because I have other commitments. To be honest, there's only one batsman I really fear. Not fear, of course, but there's always that trepidation associated with bowling to him. Him being Albie Morkel. I pee my pants when I see he's on strike, he's really fucking terrifying. He once hit me over my head and over the sightscreen, into the stands and down some stairs... sometimes I have nightmares about it."

There's nothing like an accurate translation by Amy S. to enlighten you to the ways of Nathan Bracken.

He also makes reference to Australia losing a T20 against Zimbabwe, something Cricket Australia had tried to shoo under the carpet:

"No one should be considered an easy team; we've lost to Zimbabwe in T20 before."

Indeed you have. That was pretty fucking funny, come to think of it.

He likes to think he's the man. Unfortunately, he hasn't looked in a mirror yet.

Don't disown Albie JUST LOVE HIM

I don't want to, but WTF. Can I bring myself to watch on with this delayed broadcast knowing he gets out for a measly 9.

Not just that but apparently Oram is gone too, and now Balaji. Chennai clearly want to lose this match.

I can't even muster up indignation.

--

Changed the title of the post to suit the new mood of the game. Go Albie, taking wickets like that. Especially Kallis'. When he wasn't actually out. I love wrong LBW calls.

Why does he insist on bowling marginally better than he bats? What kind of messed up inversion is that?

I've never been so happy to see Dravid fall. And I don't even feel bad either.

Albie, you son of a gun

Did you see him bowl? Did you? Did you see him almost get Graeme Smith out first ball? Did you? DID YOU THEN SEE HIM GET OJHA OUT? Hahaha.

By the way Raj, I said I'd dedicate a post to you when Chennai won. Here it is. I hope you convert sometime soon because Chennai are likely to go to the semis and beat the crap out of every other team. Woohoo.

So Morne had been sent off and Shane Harwood brought in, a tactic to allow Badrinath to hit a mammoth over off him. That was funny, wasn't it? The Badri Assault, not to mention Haydos facing off Warnie and coming out the winner. So maybe he got out to Warnie, but he still hit him for six. Good times.

2 out of 2 for Chennai. That's looking good, considering they couldn't face Rajasthan last year.

Chennai were so good they didn't even need Dhoni or Albie to bat. Oram came in, and in the field he did some good work. Actually, they all did good work in the field, especially Raina. I've said this before but his weirdly shaped head is so much more endearing now.

So much for Chennai not being able to chase well. TAKE THAT, WARNIE. Chennai win... in your face.

Note: I'm choosing not to mention that highly disturbing over by Albie. My subconscious is helping me block it out.

Sachin enjoys his ice-cream

This has got to be one of the most bizarre things I have ever read. I feel as though it's all some sort of huge joke, because it is just so strange. Like something out of a dream in which you stroll down the street and meet a multitude of interesting people in the most odd places:

Hunting for veggies, I bumped into Dhoni and Raina tucked away in a corner at Nando’s.

What were they doing alone there, tucked away in a little corner? Why couldn't they eat in the public eye, and what's more, why was VB hunting for veggies in a corner at Nando's?

Dhoni suggested that a veg platter would be an ideal meal to have. But I was more concerned for his finger and enquired if he was applying ice. He winked and shrugged his shoulders, obviously meaning he had not shown enough attention to it.

I'm trying to imagine Dhoni tucked away in a little corner, with Raina in his lap, winking at someone.

I threatened to find him a South Indian girl as life partner if he continued to neglect!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOUTH INDIAN GIRLS, I ASK? I know a few. Nothing is the answer. Wait, does the joke have something to do with a caretaker wife? I thought so. Meanwhile, in this bizarre tale, VB tells the South Indian girl joke and the 3 of them burst into raucous laughter.

On the way back, I was surprised to see Sachin and Zak (Zaheer Khan) enjoying ice creams.

WHAT IS GOING ON? Imagine Sachin standing on the street, surreptitiously licking his ice-cream.

This is evident from the passion exhibited by Haydos for surfing. He can talk and surf for hours on end.

Ideally, in this strange dream, Haydos would surf up to you on the dry street and talk while surfing. A remarkable achievement.

In contrast, Jacob Oram, besides pouring over a variety of books, spends his time following the soccer and rugby circuits.

Am I the only one who didn't know Jacob Oram was a rather bookish individual? Again, in this strange dream, he would be wandering down the street, glasses perched on the end of his nose, reciting Shakespeare aloud.

And those are the adventures of the Chennai Super Kings taken straight out of Bizarro World.

Having Freddie's Cake And Eating It

Nasser Hussain has done it again. The clock was ticking until he spoke out on Freddie's injury following playing in the IPL. And doesn't he say it well?

"Players just cannot have their cake and eat it. They cannot expect to reap the benefits of a lucrative central contract and then only be under the control of the ECB when it suits them."

Honestly. Someone needs to rewire his brain so he'll stop being such an idiot.

Imagine if Jacob Oram was in the English team. He'd never hear the end of it from pompous assholes (although Oram does need to hear something, the guy is just completely off Test cricket).

Giles Clark says it all:

"I think it is absolutely right that it is a decision for the player, what he wants to do. He has a limited period of time as a player."

Everyone knows the IPL is all about the money. Neither Freddie nor KP felt any particular affiliation to their respective teams. Freddie just grinned and charmed his teammates' pants off in order to disguise his poor performances.

I don't care if players do it for the money. If it were me in that situation, I sure as hell wouldn't let $1.55 million dollars run away from me because ex-captains would likely have a hissy fit about it. The English scrutinise and attempt to control their players far too much.

Andrew Strauss is particularly clear about it:

"It's not something you'd hold against a player. It's a tough decision to turn down that sort of money."

Bang on the money, really. Now if only Hussain could shut his trap.

I know there's the case to be made that Freddie should have known he's injury-prone and therefore not subjected himself to the IPL in addition to the multitude of tournaments and series in the next few months, but if we step back for a minute and look at it from a purely self-interested perspective, who can blame him?

"Whoo! I'm Andrew Flintoff. I can do no wrong."

Live streaming and Albie

I'm watching the game through some very dodgy live streaming online because apparently One doesn't think broadcasting the IPL live is good enough.

FUCK YOU ALBIE. JUST FUCK YOU.

Thank god for Hayden and Oram.

RAINA IS ON DRUGS. HE GOT GILLY OUT. Anyway, this is a joke. DC will still get there with plenty to spare.

Who Plays Who

Deccan vs. Mumbai
Chennai vs. Kolkata

Will we see more Gilly theatrics? I hope so. They'll be up against the best bowling attack in the tournament, so their relatively small top and middle order will have to get some real work in against Mumbai.

Will we see a weaker Chennai? That's an interesting question. Theoretically, Chennai should be a weaker side in their lacklustre bowling department with the absence of Freddie, but as we all know, he hasn't exactly been doing them any favours with his bowling. Last match we saw Balaji come out with the best figures. I don't think that will be happening again, to be honest. I'm inclined to think Chennai will play Oram tonight. He was unimpressive in the first match, but then again, it was only one match. He's sat out the rest and maybe it's time he played.

Chennai's batting is looking alright. If Dhoni's keeping again, hopefully they'll take Parthiv Patel off. He isn't exactly the best choice for the powerplay in those first 6 overs, especially when he isn't of use as a wicketkeeper. It doesn't make sense to keep him on.

Haydos is looking good, and is currently the leading run scorer in the tournament. I wonder if after the last match, when he was given his orange cap in the innings break, the IPL organisers had wrestled it off Dravid.

Dhoni also needs to get going today, as does Albie, and whoever comes in at 6. Raina will also need to put on a decent performance. I am nervous for Albie. He needs to put on a big score today to convince everyone he's up and going. And he won't have Freddie to comfort him after the game if they have another devastating loss.

Kolkata... well, we'll see. They could well be a threat, but if Chennai perform to their potential, it shouldn't be too difficult to silence them. Look out for Mendis if he plays. Chennai's reliance on foreign players means they will be the most vulnerable to Mendis' crafty bowling, having not played him before.

Ross Taylor's comedian alter ego

I wish I'd noticed this comment when he'd first come out with it, but better late than never. I knew of Brendon McCullum supporting the shift of the IPL from India to South Africa, but Ross Taylor's opinion is abruptly hilarious, even if he said it seriously:

"If you're dead you can't earn any money. Life's obviously more important than earning cash."

Yeah, well, tell Jacob Oram that.

"Haha, I'm funny. Look at my tongue. So funny."

Albie is feeling threatened

I am stuffing a dozen Easter eggs in my mouth, overwhelmed by the festive spirit, when my phone rings. Mouth full of chocolate, I answer it, uttering a muffled "Hello?"

"AFRIKAANS AFRIKAANS AFRIKAANS!!!!!!!!!!" is the reply.

I swallow all the chocolate. I know who this is. "Albie," I say, "You know I can't understand Afrikaans. Speak in English."

There is a silence on the other end. Then, "QUICK, WHO'S THE BEST BOWLER IN THE WORLD?"

I am confused.

"TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK. TIME'S RUNNING OUT!"

I have played this game 5 times in the last 3 days. "You, Albie," I say. "You're the best bowler in the world."

"PING! ONE POINT."

"Why are you calling?"

"QUICK, WHO'S THE BEST BATSMAN IN THE WORLD?"

I don't even pretend to consider this. "Albie Morkel."

"PING! WE'RE MOVING ONTO THE BONUS QUESTION NOW. FIVE POINTS FOR A CORRECT ANSWER. MINUS FIVE FOR AN INCORRECT ANSWER. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?"

"Tense."

"WHICH LESS FAMOUS BROTHER OF A SOUTH AFRICAN CRICKETER WAS DROPPED FROM BOTH THE TEST AND ODI SIDE? TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK."

"Oh gee, I dunno."

"HINT: HE'S TALL AND UGLY AND HAS A STUPID NAME."

"Morne Morkel?"

"PING! FIVE POINTS! YOU ARE THE WINNER. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?"

I play along with him. It is the only way for him to stop. "I'm feeling great. This was quite a difficult game and I'm glad I answered correctly. Now, Albie, why did you call?"

Albie doesn't respond for a moment. Finally, he says, "I need your help."

This piques my interest. "What help?" I'm feeling suspicious. "Does this involve water bombing Morne?"

Albie laughs enthusiastically. "No. But that was fun, wasn't it? Did you see his face when he drank some of the water and I said 'By the way, that's my piss!'."

"Yes, it was hilarious. What do you need help with?"

"Who is Jacques Oram?"

This seems to be fairly innocuous. "He's a Kiwi, and it's Jacob, by the way."

But Albie doesn't care for that. "Where does he live? I need to send him a threatening letter."

This is what I'm here for. I stop Albie from carrying out all these crazy plans. "Why would you want to do that, Albie?"

Albie sighs heavily on the other end of the line, as though I am entirely stupid. "Because he might beat me, obviously. Last year I was the winner from Chennai. I was their leading wicket taker TAKE THAT MORNE. But this year he's here and Morne said he'll beat me. So I need to stop him playing."

I consider this. "Shouldn't you be more afraid of Freddie?"

"No," Albie says. "He can't take wickets. He's a loser. I'm a winner."

"But shouldn't you be doing what's best for the team by letting Jacob play?"

"No. I need to beat Morne."

I can see he's not going to listen. "Listen, Albie, I know you're tired and you have so much work on your hands, what with beating Morne and all. So tell you what, I'll sabotage Jacob myself, okay? I'll replace his Gatorade with water."

Albie doesn't say anything. "What is Gatorade?" he asks.

"It's a magic drink which makes you play well. It's the only reason Jacob's been succeeding."

Albie laughs. "Good, take it away. And give him dirty water."

"Yes, Albie."

"And give me Gatorade."

"Yes, Albie."

"Also, send Morne a photo of me winning."

"Yes, Albie."

"Tell him everyone loves me more and I'm worth more money."

"Yes, Albie."

"Also tell him nobody likes fast bowlers so stop thinking you're good."

"Yes, Albie."

"QUICK, WHO'S THE BEST PLAYER ON THE SOUTH AFRICAN TEAM?"

"You, Albie."

"RIGHT!" Albie laughs manically, and is still laughing when I cut the call.

I return to my Easter eggs and continue eating.

"QUICK, WHOSE RUN-UP IS BETTER THAN MORNE'S?"

New Zealand T20 squad

They've actually released the full 15 players. Amazing. There's 15 back-up players also.

Big news? Chris Martin, Jeetan Patel, Grant Elliot, Tim Southee... all don't make the cut. As don't a bunch of other players. Instead, we're seeing Jacob Oram, Nathan McCullum, Peter McGlashan and Brendon Diamanti making the squad. Some of those names are no surprise, others a little surprising, but not in a bad way.

New Zealand are thinking tactical early on. They want their lower order to be as crazy and explosive as possible. They want power hitters holding clubs, not cricket bats. They want to have a chance in the competition, that's what NZ want. Aggression is the word of the day.

Hey hey, the brothers are coming to town.

The team: Brendon McCullum, Martin Guptill, Jesse Ryder, Ross Taylor, Scott Styris, Neil Broom, Jacob Oram, James Franklin, Nathan McCullum, Daniel Vettori (capt), Ian Butler, Peter McGlashan, Kyle Mills, Brendon Diamanti, Iain O'Brien.

Backup players: Peter Ingram, Shanan Stewart, Aaron Redmond, Craig Cumming, Peter Fulton, Jamie How, James Marshall, Gareth Hopkins, Grant Elliott, Ewen Thompson, Tim Southee, Michael Mason, Warren McSkimming, Chris Martin, Jeetan Patel.

Jacob Oram is key for CSK

News is that Jacob Oram may not play in this year's IPL tournament after all, due to an Achilles tendon strain. If he's unable to play in the New Zealand domestic state championship final in early April, then it looks like it'll be a sorry goodbye for Oram.

According to the Chennai Super Kings' cricket operations director, VB Chandrasekhar, Stephen Fleming is doing a little behind-the-scenes persuasion to "convince Oram to play the tournament". I don't know what exactly that entails, but I'm trying to get in touch with Oram using Morse code to tell him to run for his life. Everyone's after him. Including Dhoni, says Chandrasekhar. How does that work? Dhoni sneaks off to Oram's house after hours and breaks in to have a "friendly" chat about the possibility of playing for Chennai in the IPL?

Run for the hills. Dhoni's coming to get you and he's got a knife.

Of course, if "he doesn't feel up to it, we won't force him," continues Chandrasekhar. Oh well, I guess that solves THAT problem. No secret messages in Morse code for me.

He also states that Flintoff's absence for part of the tournament will mean Jacob Oram and Albie Morkel will have to share the workload of the team, and that the further absence of Oram would put Morkel under "great strain". I don't know if Chandrasekhar knows this, but if that were to happen Albie would obviously cope well under pressure and continue to go bonkers with the bat, smashing balls into smithereens and mistaking the road outside the stadium as the boundary.

Obviously.

Why the Chennai Super Kings will win

Obligatory Pre-Rehab Post on CSK before I disappear.

Why the Chennai Super Kings will win:

• They are dressed in yellow and blue.
• They are Super Kings.
• They have a player named Napoleon Einstein.
• Freddie's on the team.
• Albie is on the team.
• Jacob Oram won't be too busy avoiding Test cricket.
• Dhoni's hair is no longer a separate entity to his body.
• Albie & Makhaya Ntini will be there for the entire tournament.
• Matthew Hayden and Michael Hussey will be there for the entire tournament.
• Dhoni's gloves.
• Warnie's a wanker.
• They beat Kings XI by 9 wickets.
• They only lost the final in the last ball.
• There is only one Englishman on the team.
• Albie will be sending texts from "Nurse Saskia" to Warnie during the games.
• Manpreet Gony is feeling good today.
• They don't slap each other.
• They don't cry.
• I want them to.
  

Why the Chennai Super Kings will lose:

• They are dressed in yellow and blue.
• They are Super Kings.
• Stephen Fleming is New Zealander.
• Makhaya Ntini is a rapist.
• There is one Englishman on the side.
• Michael Hussey will be there for the entire tournament (NO HE'S NOT, I'M AN EVIL WOMAN.)
• Freddie won't be there for the entire tournament.
• They lost the final to a team captained by a wanker.
• Manpreet Gony is married to Manpreet Kaur.
• It is owned by India Cements.
• Dhoni's gloves.
• The universe is against me.

Napoleon Einstein - my new best friend