Worth Watching The Champions League For

You might have been feeling disillusioned by it all. That's why I'm here. When you feel like you might give the Champions League a miss this year, I remind you that a very special player will be in it this year.

Pause for thought.

Guess who.

Keep guessing.

I'm giving you a whole lot of time to guess who's playing.

Hint: it's not Napoleon Einstein.

Maybe some of you got it if you're clever chooks. Anyway, folks, it's Sybrand Engelbrecht. Yes, you'd almost forgotten about him, hadn't you? My ambidextrous saffa friend, one of four best friends of mine. Let me refresh your memory.

So that's Sybrand, and the freakish guy is playing for the Cape Cobras in the Champions League this year. This is exciting news for someone like me. I've seen the Aussie domestic cricketers at home, I've seen as much of the other countries as I want to, but I've never seen Sybrand in action except for that one Test in South Africa where he was a substitute fielder. That was clever of the fuckers. Why not send an ambidextrous fellow on to run every out? I like the way they think.

I'm also out of Sybrand pictures and I need him to play more often. There's nothing like a best friend getting some matches. At the moment, Sybrand is the only one of the four likely to do anything. BRING BACK VAUGHN. And Napoleon. And Abishek Raut. What happened to him, anyway?

I'll be making sure I watch every Cape Cobras match for Sybrand. Can't miss out on supporting a best friend when they finally get a game.

Imgonnagetcha

Strike while the iron is hot

That phrase has never applied as much as it has now.

Deccan Chargers, leaders in the competition, coming off back-to-back losses.
Chennai, far from the best team in the competition, coming off back-to-back wins.

If there was ever a time Chennai could win, now is it. I'm saddened to say I've almost given up hope that Albie will go shit crazy and smash the ball to smithereens. It hasn't happened for a while now, even if you discount the IPL. He'll probably get a fifth of the runs in this season than he did last year. Sort of embarrassing for everyone involved, really.

My only consolation is that his younger freakier brother hasn't had a chance to outshine him yet. It's bad enough dealing with the presence of AB, I don't think I could handle a possibly in-form Morne either.

So Chennai, I don't really know what kind of a city you are, but you have an okay IPL franchise and you have a rather good South African all-rounder in your midst who is "pathetic", according to Dhoni (okay, well, Dhoni called himself pathetic, but Albie is therefore pathetic by proxy). If you win this game, there's more of a chance Albie will kick AB's ass in the finals and not just drop out of the competition all together. There's even a chance that George Bailey will get a game and stop smiling so there's always that to consider too. Even Tassies deserve to be treated like human beings, even if they are the scum and inbreds* of Australia.

I know you'll be thinking, "We can't let a team with a rapist through to the semis" and I completely understand. I wouldn't want to do the same either. But you'll be letting Matty Hayden play for longer, or bully for longer, however you wish to put it. Plus, you'll get to see more of Murali's eyes and that's always a funny thing. Even if the team shattered the hopes of my best friend Napoleon Einstein, they're still only at a 5 on the evil scale. Dhoni brings it down a little. You want him to succeed, right?

So do your bit, Chennai, and beat Church today, both literally and metaphorically.

*Proven by extensive scientific research conducted on Ricky Ponting, so don't you "human rights" me.

Where is Sybrand?

I hate having obscure best friends. They're exactly that: obscure. Apparently our favourite ambidextrous serial killer hasn't become the next sensation in the cricketing world. After that warm-up match against the Rajasthan Royals, he has all but disappeared from the circuit.

Meanwhile, Napoleon Einstein has been sent home by the very people who spelt his name incorrectly on their website and following that, there has been no news on him.

Vaughn van Jaarsveld is also off the scene, and the last time he was seen was during the T20 and ODI matches, on the sidelines.

All three of my best friends, all little kids, are nowhere to be seen. I demand answers.

Napoleon Einstein is GONE

Thanks to Anonymous for the tip off in my last post.

The Chennai Super Kings have been trimming back on players, and of the five they've cut, my best friend Napoleon Einstein is one of them. What a disappointment. What cruel injustice. These are the people who couldn't even spell his name correctly on their own website. What a disgrace.

This severely puts my plans wayward because if I were to support CSK now, I would be a traitor. Any help?

Of the five players to be gone, the other four are Vidyut Sivaramakrishnan, Srikkanth Anirudha, Suresh Kumar and Abhinav Mukund. Pretty much batsmen, really.

This news has come at a time that I have realised

Apart from playing cricket, he enjoys the company of his family and friends, and also likes dancing and swimming.

That's from Napoleon Einstein's website, by the way. Our very own dancer and swimmer. Oh the cruelty.

Axed, with a great big bloody axe that has taken the souls of many others.

To the person

who came here after searching "chennai super kings will win", yes they will.

To the very many people who want to know about Napoleon Einstein, I sadly only have two mentions of him. So far.

Also, not to rub this in their esteemed faces or anything, but I broke a few stories a day before cricinfo did. Crazy or what. You know it.

I am currently writing this under some sort of stupor.

The truth about Napoleon Einstein

There is a reason for his name, and it is a good one. This is what he told Cricinfo:

"My grandfather was a scientist. He wrote a letter to Albert Einstein and even got a reply from him. I've got no idea [what the letter was about] even though I've read it. My mother was a physics graduate and she teaches Physics in one of the schools. So I'm Einstein. Napoleon is my father's name."

Best story behind a name ever. It's like mashing two separate pieces of intelligence together in a not-so-intelligent way. But wait, it gets better:

"We don't believe in God. In our family, we're rationalists. Other people are named Krishna and Ram after Gods, so we were named Einstein and Napoleon after great people."

He comes from a family of religious miscreants. I like it.

Napoleon Einstein: he'd be your best friend too if you knew him as well as I did.

Why the Chennai Super Kings will win

Obligatory Pre-Rehab Post on CSK before I disappear.

Why the Chennai Super Kings will win:

• They are dressed in yellow and blue.
• They are Super Kings.
• They have a player named Napoleon Einstein.
• Freddie's on the team.
• Albie is on the team.
• Jacob Oram won't be too busy avoiding Test cricket.
• Dhoni's hair is no longer a separate entity to his body.
• Albie & Makhaya Ntini will be there for the entire tournament.
• Matthew Hayden and Michael Hussey will be there for the entire tournament.
• Dhoni's gloves.
• Warnie's a wanker.
• They beat Kings XI by 9 wickets.
• They only lost the final in the last ball.
• There is only one Englishman on the team.
• Albie will be sending texts from "Nurse Saskia" to Warnie during the games.
• Manpreet Gony is feeling good today.
• They don't slap each other.
• They don't cry.
• I want them to.
  

Why the Chennai Super Kings will lose:

• They are dressed in yellow and blue.
• They are Super Kings.
• Stephen Fleming is New Zealander.
• Makhaya Ntini is a rapist.
• There is one Englishman on the side.
• Michael Hussey will be there for the entire tournament (NO HE'S NOT, I'M AN EVIL WOMAN.)
• Freddie won't be there for the entire tournament.
• They lost the final to a team captained by a wanker.
• Manpreet Gony is married to Manpreet Kaur.
• It is owned by India Cements.
• Dhoni's gloves.
• The universe is against me.

Napoleon Einstein - my new best friend