Worth Watching The Champions League For

You might have been feeling disillusioned by it all. That's why I'm here. When you feel like you might give the Champions League a miss this year, I remind you that a very special player will be in it this year.

Pause for thought.

Guess who.

Keep guessing.

I'm giving you a whole lot of time to guess who's playing.

Hint: it's not Napoleon Einstein.

Maybe some of you got it if you're clever chooks. Anyway, folks, it's Sybrand Engelbrecht. Yes, you'd almost forgotten about him, hadn't you? My ambidextrous saffa friend, one of four best friends of mine. Let me refresh your memory.

So that's Sybrand, and the freakish guy is playing for the Cape Cobras in the Champions League this year. This is exciting news for someone like me. I've seen the Aussie domestic cricketers at home, I've seen as much of the other countries as I want to, but I've never seen Sybrand in action except for that one Test in South Africa where he was a substitute fielder. That was clever of the fuckers. Why not send an ambidextrous fellow on to run every out? I like the way they think.

I'm also out of Sybrand pictures and I need him to play more often. There's nothing like a best friend getting some matches. At the moment, Sybrand is the only one of the four likely to do anything. BRING BACK VAUGHN. And Napoleon. And Abishek Raut. What happened to him, anyway?

I'll be making sure I watch every Cape Cobras match for Sybrand. Can't miss out on supporting a best friend when they finally get a game.

Imgonnagetcha

Where is Sybrand?

I hate having obscure best friends. They're exactly that: obscure. Apparently our favourite ambidextrous serial killer hasn't become the next sensation in the cricketing world. After that warm-up match against the Rajasthan Royals, he has all but disappeared from the circuit.

Meanwhile, Napoleon Einstein has been sent home by the very people who spelt his name incorrectly on their website and following that, there has been no news on him.

Vaughn van Jaarsveld is also off the scene, and the last time he was seen was during the T20 and ODI matches, on the sidelines.

All three of my best friends, all little kids, are nowhere to be seen. I demand answers.

Albie's threat returns

His plan to keep him out of the Test side in the last match worked, albeit with a little assistance from a hypnotist. But Albie can keep Morne out of the team no longer, because Johan Botha's a bloody pie chucker.

South Africa have replaced Johan Botha and Wayne Parnell with Morne Morkel and Makhaya Ntini for the last ODI. The first makes sense, Parnell also makes sense. Time to give the kid a break, especially after that last match. This final ODI doesn't even matter at all, in any case. Graeme Smith still wants to win it, just to rub it in the Aussies' faces:

"If we can make it 8-2 over the summer that would be a pretty clearcut victory."

More clearcut than 7-3.

He also cites "taking the focus off him" as the reason for disclusing Botha from the side. THE FOCUS OFF HIS ELBOW. But then he slips up a little and reveals a little too much about team sentiment:

"Johan has been an integral part of the side, but there is still a very good spirit in the team. It's the same as with Herschelle [Gibbs]. He integrated back into the team very well."

Wonder if that's referring to Herschelle's failed match-fixing attempts or his alcohol problem.

"I is back to bowl more no balls!"

Still bad news for best friend Vaughn, however. He's not in the side, even for this most deadrubber of deadrubber matches. Someone give the kid a go.

SA's T20 squad is no surprise

The only real one is that Ashwell's on the list. But it's only a preliminary squad, so there's still plenty of time to get rid of him.

The good news: My best friend's on the list. Apparently Vaughn van Jaarsveld's domestic team is called the bizhub Highveld Lions. Can a South African please explain that to me?

CJ de Villiers is trying to take over AB de Villiers' spot in the national side. I know it.
ROFL is also on the team.

Then there's Arno Jacobs. That's the kind of nickname we give our serial killers in Australia (no joke). And yes, we give serial killers nicknames. The only one we haven't is Ivan Milat, and that's just because he already has a brilliant name. Plus, he cut off his own finger with a plastic serrated knife, so he's slightly too insane for our liking.

The Squad: Graeme Smith, Yusuf Abdulla, Hashim Amla, Gulam Bodi, Loots Bosman, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher, Henry Davids, AB de Villiers, CJ de Villiers, Friedel de Wet, JP Duminy, Herschelle Gibbs, Arno Jacobs, Jacques Kallis, Heino Kuhn, Johann Louw, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Makhaya Ntini, Justin Ontong, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Robbie Peterson, Ashwell Prince, Daryn Smit, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Roelof van der Merwe, Vaughn van Jaarsveld (bizhub Highveld Lions).

I bolded Albie's name just for fun.

ALBIE GLOATS

While he may have the name of a 2 year old, Albie Morkel has shown the world that he's the major reason South Africa have success in T20. And ODI to an extent. He was the sole cricketer to power SA to No. 1 in the ODI rankings, after a fabulous go at it in Australia. And then in T20, he regularly pulverises the opposition and is just plain awesome. There's a reason I'm rooting for this guy.
Oh, that last sentence was funny. I'm getting all flustered now.

While David Hussey may have been the star of the match, hitting 88 off 44 balls (told you he wants his bro's place in the test side), Albie was the definite SUPERSTAR of the SA side. He hit 39 off 17 balls, which is almost a strike rate of 200, before getting out to Johnson, who only hit 10 runs in his time on the field. Looks like somebody's not an all-rounder. Victory for Amy S!

Albie smashed 2 sixes, second only to Dave Hussey's 6 sixes (extraordinary innings), and battered poor James Hopes, who, by the end of his last over, wasn't feeling very hopeful. That's how powerful Albie is. He can made you stop living up to your name, no joke.

"What's that? A six? Not as good as my last one."

When South Africa was in trouble, chasing a score of 166, Albie teamed up with Boucher (full credit to him also, 36 runs to win the match) to give SA the edge over Australia and beat them by 4 wickets, with 4 balls to spare. Phew. Close call. I'm sure if Albie hadn't gotten out, they would have gotten there even faster. In the end, though, Albie was content with scoring the most runs on his side. Take that, Boucher!

Albie also took Ricky Ponting's wicket, as I had predicted, getting him out on 1. HAHAHA.

"Fuck, I'm awesome. Tell me I'm awesome."

Michael Hussey was run out for a duck. Although Albie wasn't the one bowling, it seems half of my prediction came true. I should start betting. Warnie tells me it's quite lucrative.

Duminy had a knock too, but was out on 21, giving Hopes his only happiness for the entire match. Amla had a surprise 26, before he gave Hussey the first of his three wickets. Funnily enough, AB de Villiers was out on 7, falling victim to Brett Geeves (total of 2 wickets, did not bat). AB was later heard in a press conference, speaking of his performance:

"Yes, next time I will perform better and beat Albie Morkel."

Poor Vaughn van Jaarsveld, my best friend ever, was out on 3, bowled by Hussey. I am not disappointed, as he is definitely talented. Rather, I am angry David Hussey was given the ball. What an overachiever. You don't pick on the little kids in the competition, Davo. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU DID.

On the Australian side, David Warner hit at entertaining 38, and the rest of the batsmen folded like paper under the SA bowling attack. Wayne Parnell, soon-to-be superstar, picked up 2 wickets, bowling both Clarke and Johnson out. Excellent. Getting those two out gives Parnell a gold star.

Robin Peterson picked up 2 wickets in 1 over, which people should be talking about, because that's pretty darn good. The ones to go were Warner and Haddin, but he also bowled the ball in that same over that got Michael Hussey run out.

Haddin was also out for a duck, caught by none other than Albie Morkel, taking an entirely unspectacular catch at long-off. Still, I had to mention it to reinforce his amazingness. We will be seeing more of him in the future, folks, and when he retires he will write a mindblowing autobiography about growing up during apartheid and the cricketing world post-isolation. He will then discover the secret to cold fusion and win a Nobel Prize for this, all in a day's work. And that's not it. Albie Morkel will outshine Morne for his entire life, then write articles for a prominent newspaper dissecting the faults in Morne, which will drive his younger brother to suicide, making Albie even more famous. And the cycle will continue until Albie dies and is posthumously presented with The Order of the Supreme Companion of OR Tambo Award, which is, as you already know, the highest award of recognition in South Africa. Albie will be buried alongside a cricket bat, and I will sing Eleanor Rigby at his funeral. It was always his favourite song.

Meanwhile, in the here and now, South Africa have won the first of the T20s. They are back on the rise, Australia. Oh yes they are. Interestingly, the Aussies gave away 12 extras, compared to SA's 6. With SA scraping over the line with 4 balls to spare, what would have been the difference if Australia had not given away those 6 additional extras? The outcome of the match might have been different.

However, SA won, so ALBIE WINS. Score!

Looking at SA and Australia's T20 squads

No sleep tonight. I have to be there to watch South Africa beat Australia. Excellent.

"We will rock you with disturbing feats of athleticism."

But before the match starts, I want to offer a view into the squads and analyse them till their bones quiver. It's a scary experience for the cricketers.

South Africa:

Johan Botha (Captain)- The guy who reinvented himself as a class spinner to get into the side, and whose surprise captaincy in Australia was one of the highlights of the ODI series (although Albie got the Man of the Series award, Johan was also a deserving compatriot). Stated the importance of starting well against Australia in the T20 matches, as if we didn't already know.

No, not this Johan Botha. The other one.

Yusuf Abdullah - Bowler, supposedly quite good in domestic cricket. Don't care much. Onto the big names! Although now that I've said that, he'll probably turn out to be brilliant.

Hashim Amla - I keep waiting for him to perform better in the Test side, but maybe by some miracle he'll do well in the T20 match. Doubt it, though. I'm only watching him to see how many times he can do wristy flicks without causing permanent damage to them. The man has stronger wrists than Sachin.

Mark Boucher - Wicketkeeper. South Africa need him for his experience and cool head. He will probably bat between Albie and Johan.

AB de Villiers - If he can lay off making demands from Mickey Arthur, and try his hardest not to get killed, he should be fairly successful. Maybe hit 36 in one over and take a catch involving a somersault at slip - the usual. And perhaps a reprieve from Paul Harris is all for the best in helping AB concentrate on the match at hand.

Love is a freaky thing.

JP Duminy - Should be glad Ashwell's never been a real T20 player or he'd be blamed for taking his spot again. If South Africa have a brain explosion and run each other out, JP's our man. He's also a handy fielder and made a brilliant catch in the last T20s in Australia. What fun. He'll make a classy half-century or more.

Herschelle Gibbs - Just finished writing a book entitled "Hansie, Money & I" and was recently seen exiting a support group called "The League of Those Who Have Fucked Up Match Fixing Big Time". Big hitter of the ball, attempts to avoid Indians, gets out by playing the stupidest shots. If Ashwell's the best SA leaver of the ball, Gibbs is the worst. What's more, he hits bad balls straight into the hands of fielders. But if he gets going, SA is set.

Johann Louw - Bowling all-rounder, made his international debut in a T20 match against Kenya late last year.

Albie Morkel - The real star! Is obviously going to beat AB and motor SA to a victory with a powerful ton, then be gracious enough to give some handy advice to Wayne Parnell about how it is done. Will also take at least 5 wickets, but it's not his fault if he doesn't. He already has a lot on his plate, like being a batting SUPERSTAR.

"One moment, I think I'm getting too excited."

Justin Ontong - Mostly plays domestic cricket, is the captain of a side called the "Cape Cobras". Interesting name.

Wayne Parnell - Captained the U19 team in 2008, and debuted in Australia in the same ODI that Tsotsobe unfortunately overshadowed him. Attracts laser beams from Australian crowds, but has since learnt to avoid lasers after some ninja training similar to my own.

Robin Peterson - Was once hit for 28 runs in one over in a Test match by Brian Lara, a record that AB nearly broke in the last Test. Peterson is reportedly distressed the record still holds.

Dale Steyn - Warner thinks he's Dale's bunny, so the best fast bowler in the world is understandably tentative about competing in this match at all.

Roelof van der Merwe - 23 year old spinner who takes his name after Internet slang. ROFL! A big hitter of the ball.

Vaughn van Jaarsveld - Hung out with the big boys for a bit in Australia but didn't get to smash any balls and build a huge total. Maybe tonight's his night. Inexplicably, I find him incredibly hilarious and want to be his friend.

But does he want to be my friend?

Australia:

Ricky Ponting (Captain) - What an ass. Hope Albie bowls him out again.

Michael Clarke (Vice-Captain) - Also an ass, with a dracula for a fiancé. Was rather hilariously choked by Simon Katich recently, although the encounter unfortunately did not result in death. Maybe next time.

Where the bloody hell is your mask, Lara?

Nathan Bracken - Maybe he'll stop whining for once and actually pretend to be playing for his country. So what if you're not in the fucking Test squad? You'd think he'd finally get over it. Maybe his hair is hindering his ability to think. I'd happily chop it off and auction it off for charity.

Callum Ferguson - Manages to look normal with his helmet on, but ultra-freaky without it. Resembles an echidna on his best days.

"That I am."

Brett Greeves - Seamer from Tasmania who was called up to South Africa after Doug Bollinger hurt himself.

Brad Haddin - Sometimes edges his gloves in front of the bails to claim a wicket and let out an extraordinary number of extras in the last Test, but he can bat and plus, he's the only option Australia have got. Adam Gilchrist must be gloating at the relative shittiness of his successor.

"Fuck you, Dan Vettori, for accusing me! It was behind the stumps!"

Shane Harwood - Bowler. He and Warner are the only members of this squad not staying on for the ODI series.

Nathan Hauritz - At least Australia's making progress by having a specialist spinner in the squad. As for the rest, Hauritz will have to prove his worth, especially after Bryce McGain's brain explosion which may have scarred Aussie spinning hopes.

James Hopes - Chunky fellow, also an all-rounder. Does a decent job at both batting and bowling, but it extremely kind to me and manages to get out quickly when I'm sick of watching him play. Which is often.

David Hussey - His constant physical brawls with older brother Mike during their childhood years have toughened him up and made him realise cricket is a hard sport. So he's learnt to smash the ball around and take wickets, no doubt hoping he can usurp his struggling brother's position in the Test side. Sneaky bugger.

Michael Hussey - The older brother. will probably fail miserably and get caught behind for a duck. Hopefully off Albie's bowling.

Mitchell Johnson - What a bowler. Notice the last part: bowler. Not all-rounder. Maybe if I repeat this a few more times, it'll stick in his head and he'll stop dreaming big. It's disconcerting when he does, and even worse when everyone goes along with it. Mitch will probably attempt to recreate some magic and blast his way to a ton... not if I have it my way. You don't see Dale Steyn trying to pretend to bat well, do you? Oh wait, yes you do, but that was only ONE TEST. And he had JP on the other side, trying to save SA from defeat, so it wasn't all the Dale Steyn Show.

"Thank you, thank you. I hit centuries all the time. It is the way of all-rounders."

Ben Laughlin - Queensland fast bowler who performed well domestically recently and was therefore fast tracked to the T20 squad. Funny that. I seem to remember Bryce McGain also toiling (disregarding the last Test) and he wasn't moved up the ranks so quickly. Youth has its benefits, I suppose.

Marcus North - Crackhead. Notice how calling him a crackhead still does nothing to make North seem more interesting? He's just so boring and strangely typical. Hit a century in his Test debut and made some iffy scores for the remainder.

David Warner - Called himself Dale Steyn's bunny. Enough said.

Cameron White - Nothing much to be said about him, seeing as he didn't do amazingly well in the ODI series in Australia. He has the ability to hit big and score big, so maybe he'll turn it around tonight.