Thursday, 26 March 2009


Mickey Arthur is sitting in an office when a letter arrives for him. Excited, he opens it right away. He never gets real mail! Except for fan mail for Mickey Mouse. Inside is a plain piece of paper with the following written on it in barely legible writing:

My demands Mickey:
1. i went you to get rid off jacques.
2. tell greame i am better looking then him
3. i went too be batting number 4
4. pretend to the newspapiers i cant wecketkeep
5. dont make me wecketkeep
6. tell ashwell he is stupid
7. also tell him i beet him ha ha looser
8. does my hare look nice
9. i went to be the best batter in the world
10. i cant think off a number 10

Mickey folds up the paper and tells his secretary to organise a chance meeting with journalists tomorrow.
The next day, on his way to Johannesburg, Mickey accidently runs into journalists, chats about the weather, and then begins a digression into the most newsworthy SA players at the moment, beginning with AB:
"We have not given in to demands from AB de Villiers that he be moved to No. 4 in the batting and be relieved of wicket-keeping responsibilities," he says, proud to be asserting his authority in such a public way.
Realising an excellent opportunity to practise impromptu speaking skills, he made up some more details:

“I had a long chat with AB and I spelt out where I thought his future lay. I said to him that I thought he should be at No. 4 in the long run, when Jacques decides to call it a day."

Little did AB know that Jacques was never going to call it a day, Mickey smiled to himself. The man was like a sloth. The journalists were looking at him expectantly, so Mickey continued to invent a story, pleased with himself:

“I think AB is the right person for that position — in fact I think he has the ability to become the best batsman in the world. To me, the No. 4 slot is where he should be. I then said to him that if he was going to bat at four, we would have to look elsewhere for a wicketkeeper because keeping and batting in such an important position would be too tiring."
The journalists were hastily scribbling down every word he said. It only took a minute for Mickey's insanity bubble to burst, as he realised what a stupid thing he'd done. If he pissed off AB, the guy would go play for England. And he was actually a useful batsman.

"The perception that AB has been making demands is simply incorrect,” he said, backtracking.
The journalists looked at him in confusion, and one opened his mouth to ask a question. Mickey interjected irritably. "Next, please," he said. "Who else do you want to know about?" And that is how they began talking Albie Morkel.

Now, Amy S is going to cut in here because her interior monologue is a thousand times better than Mickey's. When Albie debuted in the last test, I knew that he hadn't done enough with his bowling to absolutely cement his position in the side. Quite frankly, he isn't all that brilliant of a bowler anyway but I don't care SOSUEMEOKAY. At least he's got the right attitude. And the mental stamina. Yes he does.

Now sneaky Arthur's debating the possibility of Albie keeping a No. 7 or 8 spot and he's not so sure. Although SAfrica need an all-rounder in one of these positions, and a good one at that, his bowling is letting him down:
“Albie Morkel’s batting is fine but his bowling still has a question mark above it.”
Albie is a batting all-rounder, and he can handle the ball well enough, but he needs to be entirely convincing. And his pace and consistency are key issues.

“He needs that extra yard, which will make a huge difference because he swings the ball, but I think he can get faster, and consistency is a matter of constant practice.”
"Bah humbug!" says Albie, hearing Mickey's traitorous comments for the first time. "I'm bowling at or near 140km/hr!"
"Ja, Albie, but your bowling's not so precise."
"Whose side are you on, anyway?" Albie demands.
I cower beneath my chair. "Yours, of course. I'm just offering constructive criticism so that you can really get into the Test side."
Albie's never heard of that before: constructive criticism. He likes the sound of it. "Alright," he says, "you can do that. But don't tell me I'm shit. I'm really good, aren't I? Did you see me batting? DID YOU?"
"Yes, Albie, I say. You were amazing."
"I know," he says. "Did you see Morne?"
"EXACTLY!" Albie bursts into hysterics, laughing a strange South African laugh. I leave him be.

Arthur went on to say that perhaps the all-rounder would need to bat at 7, and the wicketkeeper at 8. Possibly the best thing in the article for Albie is the fact that Morne doesn't get mentioned at all. I join Albie in the laughter for this one. It's cruel, because he's got the talent, but in these matters I side with Albie.

"Now who's the talented one, Morne? The answer is me. HAHA."

In AB's apartment:
AB: *finishes licking envelope to post to Mickey's office* Done!
Morne: That was funny. We should do this again sometime.
AB: I'm so clever, don't you think? I thought Demand No. 7 was very good.
Morne: You're better than Ashwell. Do you think I'm better than Dale?
AB: Well, seeing as I'm going to be the No. 1 batsman in the world, I think I need to tell you Morne that you're not very good.
Morne: What?
AB: Albie's better than you. He was batting with me, remember? He hit 58. But I hit 163 so obviously I win.
Morne: I'm coming back for the ODIs.
AB: You only got confirmation for the first two. I bet they'll drop you for the rest.
Morne: *crying in Afrikaans - it is a strange guttural sound not dissimilar to pigs crying*
AB: Oh, and I think now's the best time to tell you that you have to move out. I can't be seen living with a loser who's been dropped from the test squad if I want to be the best batsman in the world. I'm inviting Albie to move in.
Morne: *has a crazy Gunther attack and rips off AB's head, leaving a gaping hole which he then throws a cricket ball into*

Bet you weren't expecting the end. Morne's only slightly insane, of course.


Anonymous said...

Not much to say other than great writing. Keep it up!

Amy said...

Hello there Anonymous. I will. :)

Anonymous said...

What a load of sh*t!!! LOSER!

Amy said...

AB, get the fuck off my site.

Anonymous said...

Ha! You wish AB would be on your site. Unlike you he doesnt go posting on other people's websites and blogs. LOWLIFE!

Rose said...

Thought that was a very amusing read! Loved the demand number 2. =)

Anonymous said...

HAHA you are brilliant in this! Keep up the good work! :)

Amy said...

@Rose - It's actually listed as a condition in AB's contract. Amazing how vain these players can be.

@Anonymous - I am entirely relieved you are a nice anonymous. Thanks for the kind words!

Anonymous said...

Wow I really like these blogs! And especially the AB/Morne conversation of this blog, made me laugh Hard!

Amy said...

Cheers, I'll be keeping them up. I have a thing for skits :)