Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Kolkata Knight Riders: The Evil Truth

On a pitch at night, several weeks before the start of the IPL:

Shah Rukh Khan: Brilliant! It needs to be brilliant. Do you understand?
Lowly Secretary: Yes, sir.
SRK: You need to understand this. The uniform must be dazzling. I want to take one look at it and have my mind blown away. Okay?
LS: Yes, sir.
SRK: Why aren't you writing this down?
LS: I'll write it down, sir.
SRK: Excellent. -observes LS writing- Your handwriting's filthy. Improve it or I'll fire you. There's a line of unemployed people desperate to have your job. Do you understand?
LS: Yes, sir.
SRK: I'm very important. Okay?
LS: Yes, sir.
SRK: And add to your notes that the uniform must match my complexion. I have to be promoting the team in this. I want to look the best. Write that down. I need to be the best looking person wearing this uniform.
LS: Yes, sir.
SRK: And do it fast. We need to do it fast. Preity's trying to upstage me, I can tell. Her and her Kings XI.
LS: Yes, sir.
SRK: You don't seem very angry.
LS: I am, sir.
SRK: Good, well tomorrow I need you to spy on her. Find out what colours her team uniform is. Then make mine better.
LS: Yes, sir. I will, sir.
SRK: That's more like it. Now, here's a list of colours that I look good in: mauve, not purple. Only mauve. Light Turquoise, yes it exists. I wear it all the time. Medium blue, not too dark or I'll look like a Sri Lankan. -laughs-
LS: ...
SRK: Wasn't that funny? It was, wasn't it?
LS: Yes, sir. It was.
SRK: I thought so. Next time, laugh sooner. And louder. Another colour is lemon yellow. And see if you can get a colour named after me. I want it to be called SRKhyphenThehyphenBest. Did you get that? Hyphens between the words, okay?
LS: Yes, sir. Is that it, sir?
SRK: What do you mean 'is that it'? Do you think only a few colours match my complexion? Do you think I'm so dark that only a few colours look good on me? What do you think?
LS: I think nothing, sir. I was just asking, sir.
SRK: Yes well, it sounded more like an insult, didn't it? Your job is already in such a precarious position, why are you calling me a blackie? I'm not. I don't even know why I hired you in the first place, you're so dark. I bet light turquoise looks terrible on you. They say it only looks good on fair people. That's what I am, by the way. I'm fair.
LS: You are, sir.
SRK: And what's that rubbish gold box you're holding anyway? It's distracting.
LS: It's my sister's birthday present, sir. I giftwrapped it for her. I was going to go to the birthday party, sir, remember? But then you called me here, sir.
SRK: What are you implying? That I'm dark?
LS: No, sir.
SRK: Yes you were. I know you were. I can see it in your eyes. You blackies can't be trusted with anything. Here, give me that present. I want to see what it is. -grabs at gift-
LS: -holding onto gift- No, sir. You can't, sir.
SRK: Why not? Give it to me. I want to see what it is.
-a struggle breaks out and eventually SRK wins, yanking it out of LS's hands-
LS: Ahhh!!! My eyes!
SRK: Your eyes. What eyes? Your eyes are too dark to see.
LS: You blinded me!
SRK: What are you saying? That my skin is so fair it blinded you?
LS: No, the giftwrap! The gold giftwrap! It blinded me!
SRK: So I'm not fair?
LS: The giftwrap!
SRK: You don't say...

A few weeks later, at a press conference, SRK unveils The KKR's uniform:

The Kolkata Knight Riders: blinding the opposition, one man at a time.


miriam said...

I would have given my LIFE to have been there when Ricky and Sourav were introduced to their new kit.

Amy said...

I imagine the latter's eyes would have popped out even more than they currently do.