Jesse's Diary

The comments by Jesse's manager Aaron Klee:

"Let's be fair to Jesse - this is not a big issue. Jesse rang me and explained what happened several nights ago. He is disappointed that he drank after being off all alcohol for over 100 days."

And by his mentor Murray Deaker:

"Jesse's had over a hundred days of sobriety and has made enormous progress during that time, on and off the field."

Let the diary begin.

Day 1: Dear diary. Fuck.
Day 2: Didn't mean what I said yesterday. Going to stop drinking to save career.
Day 3: No drink today.
Day 4: Still no drink today.
Day 5: Tempted to drink to get beer goggles back. Can't.
Day 6: Zero drinks. Lots of Coke zero.
Day 7: Still no drink.
Day 8: Might be going to IPL.
Day 9: Going to play for Royal Challengers. Wonder what that means.
Day 10: Talked to owner of team. Fuck.
Day 11: Going good. No drink.
Day 12: Crossed off another box on calendar. No drink.
Day 13: Off to IPL. Won't drink on plane.
Day 14: Told air hostess to fuck off when she offered a drink.
Day 15: Need drink.
Day 16: Need drink.
Day 17: Drink. Fuck. Need.
Day 18: Told to focus on positives of staying sober.
Day 19:
Day 20:
Day 21:
Day 22:
Day 23: Positive of being sober: not smashing Dan's glasses everytime we go out.
Day 24: Kicked Lalit Modi in the nuts when he made a joke about putting your hand through glass.
Day 25: No drink for 25 days. No hot chicks either. Wonder where they went.
Day 26: Still no drink.
Day 50: Fucking diary.
Day 75: Made new friend from loser team. Likes to drink.
Day 85: Looked at wedding vows again. Once told my beer I'd never "touch her inappropriately again". Have to stick by promise in sickness and health.
Day 90: No drink. Lots of boxes crossed off on calendar.
Day 95: Mallya came round after win. With drinks.
Day 96: Taking blindfold with me everywhere.
Day 97: Crazy Morne poured a beer on my face. Tasted a drop. Not my fault.
Day 98: Trying not to remember that drop of beer.
Day 99:
Day 100:
Day 101: Hacking at legs with machete. Fucking legs couldn't get me out of there.
Day 102: All over news. I drank.
Day 103: Seeing God again. Must be a good sign.
Day 104: On the bright side, all the women are prettier now.

What are you talking about? Of course those dates match up. Of course they do.

Royal Challengers South Africa

Apart from the rather wanky name, the Royal Challengers Bangalore (oh fuck it, I'm going with BRC) seem to have formed an alliance with internationals from the South African part of the world. It's certainly of assistance in the SAPL, so let's take a look at their line-up, or more importantly, the saffa part of their line-up:

• Ray Jennings (okay, so he's coach, but it counts)
• Mark Boucher
• Jacques Kallis
• Dale Steyn
• ROFL
• Dillon du Preez

5 internationals from South Africa, not including the coach. Then take into account the likelihood of these players actually being part of the line-up. At least 3 are guaranteed a spot in the final XI, regardless of who they are, and BRC wouldn't be doing themselves any harm by even having 4 in their line-up.

The other teams in the competition have a more diverse range of foreign players. Kolkata Knight Rider have 2 saffas, Mumbai also have 2, plus the bowling and fielding coaches Shaun Pollock and Jonty Rhodes, Rajasthan have 3, Chennai have 2, Delhi 1, but he's determined to take the places of 3 people, Deccan also have 1, and Punjab have acquired 1 this year too.

A lot of those teams have yet to play one or more of their saffa players. Meanwhile, Bangalore have poached a lot of South Africa's best players from the outset.

It begs the question, did Vijay Mallya somehow know the IPL would be shifted to South Africa in the second year before he bid on any of the players last year?

Oh, and if you're looking to twist things a little, BRC have 6 South African players, if you count Kevin Pietersen.

KP and the White Mischief Gals

It's smokin' in here. And it's going to get hotter, according to Vijay Mallya, owner of the Bangalore Royal Challengers. Because some new cheerleaders are coming to town.

Anyway, it's totally ridiculous and just some silly attempt to renew some interest in the team. Everyone's already interested because of KP, but who cares, Mallya wants to turn the oven up higher. After dropping last year's Washington Redskins cheerleaders, Mallya has hired the services of a varsity cheerleader group who he has named the "White Mischief Gals" after his brand of vodka.

Here's how he described them:

"A little bit naughty, a little more hottie and a lot more mischievous. Necklines plunging, hemlines rising, they are all set to let the mercury soar, than any of the sixes that come from the blades of Kevin Pietersen. [They are] specially trained in flirty acrobatic skills for a scintillating on-field performance."

Turned on yet? I'm not. I'm still wondering what "flirty acrobatic skills" are, and how you can be specially trained in it. It sounds difficult. I'd like to learn too, some of these "flirty acrobatic skills". I'll put it on my resume.

Notice how they sneakily plug KP's batting there. Yes, I'm not blinded by all this talk of plunging necklines, I can see the blatant promotion of a player going on here. They're entitled to, of course.

Apparently the cheerleaders are also going to be offering "flirtatious messages and tips" to fans. Maybe they could outsource it to me. That'll also look good on my CV. "Sent naughty text messages to Bangalore Royal Challengers fans during the second season of the IPL." You can't go past it.

If Indians will only be watching this on television, will they be able to be righteous enough to demand the cheerleaders wear pants over in South Africa? Maybe they'll burn effigies of cheerleaders on the streets.

Hotter than this. Like, literally on fire, if the public have their way.