Giving Jesus the steering wheel

I can also take everything in and allow it to affect me as a person. But, there's really only one way for me to get through situations like that! And that's to give Jesus the steering wheel and asking Him to drive for me!!

- AB de Villiers, Bastard child of Jesus and Mary Magdalene

With that ominous prophecy, Delhi came out to chase a pathetic total of 116 by the Mumbai Indians. Could they do it? It was up to Jesus from here on in. Little did they know Jesus was a little tipsy after turning too much water into wine, causing the first 3 Delhi batsmen to fall for under 20, or close to it in David Warner's case.

But AB, that AB, he was the designated driver that night, and even though he may have let a drunk Jesus handle the steering wheel, it only worked in his favour as he got to his bloody 50 from 38 balls.

JP Duminy was out for a duck. At least AB didn't take any catches, although he did ask Gambhir if he could have a bowl.

And the man of the match was Nehra the Penguin. 2/27. LOL TAKE THAT AB.

I guess giving the steering wheel to Jesus isn't enough to win MoM. Sometimes you have to sleep with all the right people like the Penguin Whore to ensure you're the real winner. That's a good lesson for AB to learn.

Meanwhile, there's an interview with AB up at Cricinfo, which features an incident with Ricky Ponting I once talked about.

Chennai Twats

That's what they are. The whole lot of them. Twats. Big stinking stwats.

Didn't someone tell Hayden you don't hit a ball directly to AB? Fuckhead. What's more, didn't someone tell AB to fuck off and die? I think I might have mentioned it.

I can't believe we had to put up with Chennai's lethargic bullshit. They couldn't even get to 170. Pathetic.

Despite being called a "left handed genius" by Danny Morrison, Albie isn't up to the job. No, the bastard penguin Ashish Nehra has him caught and bowled, thanks. I don't blame Albie. I don't know why, I don't blame him. I blame Chennai as a whole.

And even Dhoni, the "freakiest player" can't do more than a 6. No, he and his fellow hitters leave it to the tail end to do their dirty work.

By the way, did I mention AB is a fucking bastard? I did, didn't I? Good. There seems to be something going on between him and David Warner though. Warner is like the overeager kid sucking up to his role model, trying to be cool and get jokes in. AB is the older kid indulging him and taking him under his wing. There was that pre-match group huddle and the catch by AB which seem to prove this.

Chennai don't deserve to win after that. Maybe I hope they do, but they certainly don't deserve to. If Delhi are going to win, I hope AB gets out on a duck. Can't have him taking home MoM now can we?

HOLY FUCK AB IS OUT FOR A DUCK. WHAT DID I SAY???? GO TYAGI, GET A HATTRICK.

Crying for Albie. David is punishing him. Bowl like you fucking mean it, Albie. Smash him to bits.

Delhi trying to get to their target in 10 overs. That's it, I'm heading off to sleep. Albie is a little bitch. 3 overs for 30.

Did anyone else notice Dirk was on a hat-trick? And that he could have actually made it there?

I can't tear myself away. Now Dilshan is out. What if Chennai get Karthik and Warner out, and any subsequent players who are okay with the bat. WHAT IF CHENNAI WIN? AHHHH.

Funny, Delhi are ALSO near the 70s at time-out. Now all we need is a mind-numbing collapse after the break and we're good to go.

Chennai can win, Deccan can lose

Were you having the time of your life, Patrick Swayze-style? I certainly was.

First off, the DD vs. DC match. Aside from Ravi Shastri's hilarious "Get ready to ROCK Pretoria" to set us off, it was a bit of a boring affair after Gilly and Gibbs left the scene early on. Ryan Campbell leering at Deccan cheerleaders only put me off further.

Not to mention the constant music being blasted over the loudspeakers after every boundary or wicket: "Go, go, go, go, go." We've already heard it for many matches. How many more times are we going to be forced to endure this?

Everytime the commentators say "That was a really good stop" you don't even need to look to know it's AB. Fuck. Thank god he got out for 5. That was funny. I laughed.

Funny Moments of the Match:

Something I have noticed but not really commented on is that Ashish Nehra runs up like a penguin on crack.

Rohit Sharma flailing around on the ground like a dying turtle.

Dirk Nannes looking like he'll take out his axe any minute now.

The fact that Anthony Hudson is apparently a legspinner. What a joke.

Danny Morrison being irritating as fuck.

Sehwag's stitches.

Dwayne Smith going shit crazy and hitting Dan the Man for 16 off his over, then making Amit Mishra go for 20 the next over.

Mark Nicholas thinking Dirk has "attitude" about him, and that "There's a lot of words I could think of [to describe him] which could not be broadcast."

Lalit Modi sitting like a king on his throne.

Chennai vs. Rajasthan match:

YOU KNOW IT. Go Albie, strike rate of 400. I can twist facts my way too.

Raina was the man of the night. Even if I felt sorry for his 98 which the big screen showed as 100, it was a little funny. I mean that is pretty fucking funny if you think about it. Raina celebrates his 100, and is out next ball. He came back later and picked up a few wickets, taking some great catches too. That really shut Ryan Campbell up.

And who was actually bowling well today? Hint: Starts with 'A' and ends with 'lbie'.

With the new guy being hit for a few in the first over, Albie came in second over and worked some magic. Graeme Smith is hilarious. I enjoyed watching him get out to Albie. How often do you see that normally? NEVER.

Then there was Swapnil Asnodkar, the little man who's finding these South African pitches difficult to deal with. What a way to go, hitting your stumps like that. Almost the funniest moment of the match. The real funniest moment was Warnie slamming the ground in frustration when he couldn't get any balls away later in the innings.

And did the commentators really say Dhoni was going to have a bowl? I'm sure I wasn't imagining that.

But the most annoying moment of the match was most certainly the referral of the Jadeja catch. Fuck, that pissed me off. Where is the Brian Lara spirit? YOU WALK OFF WHEN THE FIELDER SAYS THEY CAUGHT YOU. The end. You don't hang around and insist on a referral which then shrinks the 3rd umpire's balls and has him give a 'Not Out' decision. That was rubbish. Parthiv clearly had his hand under it but the freeze frame which shows less dimension than live replay apparently gave the 3rd umpire a reason to doubt the catch. It was taken, pure and simple.

Whatever. Chennai won and now they can keep winning. They just need to win most of the matches that remain to make it to the semifinals. Can they do it? Albie looked in form. One of the commentators said he should open the batting, and I think Leela commented on this too. But my god, that would be a brilliant idea. Hello powerplay. Hello Albie. And hello the chance to come in without a shitload of pressure on your head dragging you down like it did Yusuf Pathan.

HIT WICKET.