This is Ricky, I'm writing from South Africa for Amy. Hi to you Rianna if you're reading this and also say hi to Em. Is she growing good? I just talked to you on the phone by the way but I thought it would be funny if you also read this.
Look I'm here to talk about cricket because this is a cricket log. I'm going to talk about myself because I'm more importnat than anyone else in this series. Who has more runs than Steve. Me. Everyone's saying the saffers are gonna beat us but we're still the better side it's only Pup who's underperforming. Can't even be a decent opener, the guys hate him. I say "well done mate" to his face but when Kato had a go at him I was laughing. Have to keep up the act of alcoholism or they'll call me out on the fight again.
Look I don't want to bring up old things here but remember how Peter Roebuck said I should be sacked. I wasnt thinking about it it was only because Bracks just reminded me of him. Want to know how? Bracks is such a pansy I thought of Peter straightaway! Anyway at least I don't spank the guys and besides that little arse did say monkey Haydos told me. The guys are keeping this a secret but we're planning a secret revenge attack on the field. Look we're not bullies but we're only mean when you make us. I talked to Gary and he accidently said "hey pujjy doesn't like SECRET". I can't tell you what he told me its a secret, you have to wait and find out.
Also Jacques Kallis has also gotten 10000 runs but hes still not as good as me slow fucker. The saffers reckon they can be shit and good and beat us but its stupid because look, we're the best side in the world. I have more records than all of them put together and besides just because I got out on low scores the past few matches doesn't mean I'm a bad player. Roy said I am, what a great bloke. I had a chat to the selectors about him and lets just say he has a bright future ahead of him. Unlike Pup who reckons he's better than me at playing the slow ball. Shut up you whiner.
We won the first ODI great but the other two losses weren't realistic. I reckon Warnie's been having a chat to Grahame and telling him he can beat us whatever. Just because I dont sell myself to the Indians he hates me now. Also did you see how Pup also decided not to play? Copycat just didnt want to see he was worth less than Kevin or Fredddie, I have more guts than him it's why I'm captain and he's not. In the last match that ABCD guy (thats what I call him on the field it's funny) got 60 or something. Look this is a secret but I'll tell you anyway. I'm better than him and I beat him mentally as well. When he was still new and I was winning everything which I still am now, he came up to me after a match and said "congratulations on your ton" but all I did was stare at him and then turn away. ha ha! That showed him he was so embarassed he ran away but stupid Glenn ran after him and said something. I bet he was saying "look at Ricky he's so stupid" because the saffer was so happy afterwards. After that I made lots of snide comments about his wife to Glenn to punish him.
Look, something has been bothering me about the saffers. They're cheaters like the bloody poms. Did you see how they had that substitute fielder in the last Test match and how he threw the ball with both hands? That's like taking a piss on the fair go, what rubbish. Send in your shit 12th man bastards and then we'll talk fucking shitheads. I never substitute fielders with ambidextrous people, maybe I should it will teach the fuckers a lesson. I made up a new joke, the saffers are fuckers, it all ends with 'er'. I'm going to whisper it on the field and when they say "you called me a fucker" I will say "no, I called you a saffer".
Hi again to Rianna. Did you get the dinner with K Rudd? If you didn't he's a krudd haha. He said he'd invite you over so tell me if he does okay?
The Steve Smith infographic
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