"Heloo. I em Jaaks Kellis. I like yoong boys."
We progress onto the 'About' page, where yet another photo confronts us. This time, it is of a young Jacques, and a zombie umpire in the background.
Would Shamone want him if he looked thin and blonde?
And then there is a Biography. To give you a taste of what it is like, here is an excerpt:
"His mental strength is his primary weapon and if the Australians can’t get to him then no other side probably can. Famous for spending untold hours at the crease despite the onset of fatigue, he has a seemingly unflappable temperament which has propelled him into the elite of world cricket.
He is arguably the world’s leading batsman and seems set on staying there. He has a defensive technique second to none and the ability to stand his ground no matter what the circumstances. He is a dogged right hand batsman and muscular fast medium bowler who can swing the ball both ways off a good line and length.
In 2004, he became only the second player in history (after Sir Donald Bradman) to make a century in five consecutive matches. As one of the most enduring batsmen of his generation, Kallis' wicket has become arguably the most prized in Test cricket, with the exception of Australian captain Ricky Ponting."
Now, time to knock Jacques off the bullshit wagon. This is possibly the most egotistical "biography" (autobiography more like it) of a cricketer I've ever seen on their own website. Notice how he is build up to be simply invincible and able to instil fear into the hearts of many? "Oh no!" they say. "Not the unflappable Jacques Kallis!"
Jacques selflessly spends hours at the crease, toiling away tirelessly to inch his team's score along. Truly, the definition of martyr should read none other than "See 'Jacques Kallis'". What other elite batsman would battle on despite the onset of fatigue?
"Other batsmen fold under pressure. I say 'No, not me.'"
And when he's arguably the world's leading batsman, who can disagree?Jacques is simply so dogged and muscular that nobody gets past him alive. Surely this man's wicket has become the most prized in Test cricket? Why, yes it has! But only after Ricky Ponting, of course. In fact, forget Ponting, I'd go so far as to make comparisons between Kallis and Don Bradman.
Enough of that.
I'm being too cynical, of course. If I want real proof of Kallis's notoriety, all I need to do is check out some news articles about him, conveniently located on his website. Here we go, I think I've found a valid critical opinion on Kallis:
"Being Jacques Kallis can't be bad. Only the saintly would not envy his skill, his versatility, his discipline, his focus, his bank account. Many of us simply wish we shared that ability to run for five consecutive minutes without falling over, seizing up or throwing up."
The article goes on for what appears to be forever. I can't even highlight anything there, because then I'd be bolding the entire thing. In fact, Jacques is just too amazing for me to say anything except to marvel at his skill, versatility, discipline, focus, bank account, I'm running out of things here, help me out. His girlfriend. His car. His bulging stomach. If I say a single thing against him, I feel like seizing and throwing up. He has that great an impact on me.
ONTO THE QUESTION & ANSWER SECTION!
This is where I am certain I will find something that disproves all of the above, and reinforce my earlier opinion of Jacques. After all, this is the guy who sleeps on the change room floor before going out to bat. Surely he must be lacking in brain cells.
As it turns out, he is. Note that in the following, Jacques must have compiled the questions himself, yet some of the answers he gives are amazingly hilarious:
1. Most memorable day in cricket and why? My first match for South Africa.
Yes, but Jacques, WHY?
2. Favourite meal - Chicken pasta
Mmm, you can't go past the chicken pasta. How much do you eat, Jacques? Tell us the truth.
3. Favourite drink - All depends on the time of day! Jack Daniels and Redds
Will anyone tell me why this is in a FAQ section?
4. Best advise you have received - If you do something, do it properly and give 100%.
Good one! Sounds like excellent "advise" you received there.
5. Advice to aspiring young cricketers - Practice and believe in yourself!
Will do! Good to see you spelling it right this time.
6. How would you change the game - Play fewer matches, more results in Test matches
Revolutionary! Although why would the unflappable Jacques Kallis want to play fewer matches?
7. Cricketing ambitions - To fulfill my potential and win the World Cup
Hope you fulfill your potential!
8. Most disappointing moment in the game - World Cup Semi Final 1999
HAHAHAHAHA, yes we all remember that one, Jacques. Wonder why you specifically chose to put this question in the FAQs.
9. Would you like to be an umpire - No!
No! Emphatic! Exclamation mark!
10. Can you cook, if so what is your strength - No can't cook
Abrupt and to the point, rapidly dropping IQ points as we progress through these questions. I like it.
11. Favourite music - All types
Thanks for answering the question!
12. Favourite movie - Enjoy most movies.
Why are you bothering to have these questions here in the first place if you're not going to answer them?
13. Favourite actor/actress - Neve Campbell
Finally! A specific answer. +1 IQ point.
14. Best book read - It's not about the Bike, the Lance Armstrong Story
According to Neil Manthorp, this is the favourite book of practically every SAfrican cricketer. Methinks Albie had first dibs.
15. Favourite magazine/newspaper - Do not read them
That was a helpful response, and also wtf kind of a person are you? Do you get all your news secondhand off Shamone? (Interestingly, her name is spelt "Sharmone" on this site. Well done, Jacques)
16. Favourite TV programme - Sport
HAHAHA. Good one!
17. Favourite dressing room - Sahara Park Newlands
Thanks for that helpful insight.
18. What car do you drive - Opel OPC
At least he answers the question.
19. When last did you go to the theatre - Never
Wait, it gets worse...
20. What radio station do you listen to - Seldom listen to the radio
21. Can you dance - No
22. Can you sing - No
HAHAHAHA, Amy's manical laughter reverberates in your eardrums long after she is gone.
23. What do you see yourself doing after your career ends - Possibly move into property development
No, Jacques, that's not going to happen.
24. Morals that I live by - Control, Focus, Implement and Honesty
What the fuck is Implement? Excellent moral, Jacques.
25. Products I use for my hair and body - I use all Sanex products for my hair, feet and body
HAHAHA. Hair, feet and body. Hair, feet and body. Hair, feet and body.
26. Items I cannot do without - Management and investment advisor
And that is it, or the most I am able to point out without killing myself from laughing. Jacques Kallis is one person who could do without a website. Interestingly, AB de Villiers also has one, but that is another topic for another day.