English Winners

Never thought I'd put those two words next to each other, did you? But I have. Because winning by 10 wickets is a bloody good way to start things, even if a lot of that was caused by an incredibly mediocre performance by the West Indies.

Although I hear they were a little worried hearing they'd have to make 32 to win. Knowing their royal collapses, that was enough to put a little doubt into their minds.

I just really like Ravi Bopara. He certainly doesn't look like the other Number 3s they could have gone with, and he isn't quite so likely to forget which team he's on and guide the ball to the stumps either. Plus, he can bowl a bit and field well enough.

I'm pegging Bopara to be one of the main batsmen to stand up in the Ashes, and possibly KP or Strauss as the other. Pietersen seems a little more likely given his past performances.

I'm also revising my hopes for the outcome of this series. I want England to convincingly beat the Windies just so we can crush them irreparably in the Ashes series.

In other news, Phil Hughes has fallen for 195 against Surrey. Hahaha, England are fucked, come July.

"England. You're fucked."

Go midgets.

Gunther the Kind Beast

I wish I had been watching the Middlesex vs. Surrey match, because the most perfect thing happened and I cannot even begin to imagine how great if would have been if I'd seen this with my own eyes.

While Phillip was waving around his bat, hitting all the bowlers for boundaries wherever they went, Andre Nel was having a little sentimental moment too:

Soon after completing his third hundred in only four championship innings, from 126 balls, Hughes stepped away to leg to flay André Nel through the covers for his nineteenth boundary. Then he twice pulled him for four, with quite remarkable power for one so slight. It was contemptuous batting and Nel's response was a high full toss that brought a protest from Hughes, and an apology from the former South Africa bowler.

Keep in mind, bowling a high full toss at Phil is a bit like bowling to a 10 year old. Sounds okay, right? But you've yet to see the worst of it:

At the end of the over, too, Nel approached Hughes and put an arm around his shoulder.

AHHHHHH. That is the only appropriate response to a horrifying event like this.

My only explanation is that the English have hired Gunther to assassinate Phil before the Ashes. I vote for an ex-army general to follow Phil around at all costs and protect him from the evil plans of our enemies.

Putting his arm around Phil is just the precursor to something much worse, Buffalo Bill-style.

"It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

Yes it does, Precious.

Hughesy at it again

Another century, another day for Phil Hughes.

His 3rd ton out of 4 innings. WTF. This man will singlehandedly win us the Ashes, I tell you. Combine him with Mitchell Johnson and we don't even need the rest of the team.

I suppose he isn't even old enough to be called a "man". I mean, if I'm calling people like Sybrand and Napoleon little kids, surely Phil is a little kid too? But he's manned up far more than other wankers have so I suppose he deserves that title.

I hope Andrew Strauss is watching Phil on TV and feeling VERY SCARED. Because he is quite scary, especially some of his shots. He tries things even No. 11s wouldn't. Difference is, he pulls them off.

Andre Nel & Gunther happy in England

Andre's talking about Gunther again. Surrey are excited. This is exactly what they were hoping for, a resurgence in Gunther. Other counties are already quivering in their boots.

Andre told the BBC:

"You could see the way South Africa were thinking that I wasn't going to get a chance. You can't sit around wanting to play for your country. This is the best decision for my family and career. It was a big decision to make to retire from international cricket but it's probably the right time for me to move on and start somewhere else. I can't wait to get started now."

Not very scary, but then he starts talking Gunther:

"Gunther's doing quite well. He's calmed down a lot but I think he'll come out a few times during the season to entertain people."

Andre will flick a switch, and out pops Gunther. It's like being permanently pregnant with a psychotic maniac. That wants to entertain people.

Gunther, not Andre.