Monday, 6 April 2009

How New Zealand can win - Part 2

What was that? 167/4? 450 runs behind? Impossible? La la la, I can't hear you. Because New Zealand have to win. Not just that, but they're obviously going to win. Never mind that Taylor's one of two real or able batsman NZ now have to rely on, after Guptill's relatively well played innings came to an end at the hands of Harbhajan. Never mind that Jesse deigned to allow himself to get out for an entirely pathetic 2 ball duck, when really, we needed another double century to eat away at a fraction of the mammoth 617 India posted.

Never mind it's never been done before.

Because obviously they can still do it. Here's what I propose (I've already emailed this plan to Iain O'Brien and he's told me the team are getting right on top of it): Tonight, sneak into Zaheer Khan's room and kill him. I'm sorry, it's the only way. Before the game tomorrow, pay a friendly visit to Daryl Harper and tell him you've invented the best hair regrowth cream ever, and that is has a 100% regrowth rate. I'm sure he'll be willing to slip up on lbw decisions then. At 3am tomorrow morning, get out on the field and perform the reverse rain dance. You've gone to all this trouble to try to win, and rain better not ruin it. That's the behind-the-scenes stuff that NZ need to get in control before they even attempt to bat tomorrow.

On the field: Don't get out. If you do, wander over to Harper and mutter, "About that cream..." and watch him reverse the decision. Smile smugly.

Next, piss off Harbhajan. With Khan out of the picture after your escapades last night, you need to invoke mistakes from this man. Tell him how unhappy his sisters are with the marriages he arranged for them. Tell him he looks like a sour chicken, whatever that is. Tell him everyone's burning effigies of him back in India because he's ugly as shit. Tell him he's an obnoxious weed. That you'll slap him. The point is, piss him off to the point he's giving terrible deliveries which you then smash for boundaries.

But there is one other part to this plan, the most important part of all:
Chris Martin makes a century.

You know he will.

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself.


John said...

Best plan ever?

Amy said...

No doubt, no doubt. Expect great things from Chris. He's the batsman of the future, despite what people think. The general inability to hold and operate a bat is just a facade to trick you into thinking he's terrible before he bursts onto the world circuit with a hard hit century.

You know it.