First ODI in Durban

I won't say much. Australia won by 141 runs, after posting a score of 286, which SA met with getting all out on 145. After I tuned out, Michael had a ripper of a night, gettig his mojo back, ad hitting the 83 runs that saved Australia. Australia's bowling attack was also pretty darn good, and Nathan Hauritz returned career-best figures of 4/29.

The South Africans were poor. Their bowling outweighed their batting, though, but Albie wasn't doing them any favours. He ended up going for 6.37 runs per over. Not as bad as Ntini's 7.44 but Morne picked up 2 wickets at 6.10. Look who's trying to upstage their big brother. Well, granted, Morne's the specialist bowler, and thank god Albie identifies himself as a batting allrounder.

In the South African camp, Graeme Smith scored 52, trying to put SA back into the game, but the rest of the batting line-up crumbled. Maybe they thought that Albie might be able to salvage it for them (I doubt they ever thought this, though) but when he came in, SA were out of the match and there was nothing anyone could do. Boucher was still too excited from his award that he got out on a duck.

Well, on the bright side, Albie did participate in 2 run-outs:

I like it when you get people out, not get out yourself.

But Morne was the one getting wickets... Luckily, James Hopes is coming to get him.

"Fuck, I'm going to kill you."

The revelation of the night, however, was Nathan Bracken:

"Haha, tricked you, fools! You thought I was a man."

Bingo, Clarke is Out (Accidental Live-Blogging)

Up goes the finger, Ntini strikes early, Duminy takes an easy catch at second slip, and Clarke is out in the second over, leaving them at 2/1. Ponting walks out looking Punterish. He won the fucking toss, didn't he? Now why is this happening? After the match he will take a leaf out of Katich's book and choke Clarke to teach him a lesson.

Ding dong, the witch is dead.

Callum Ferguson is playing today, hopefully looking less like an echidna than before. Ben Laughlin, a quick, is debuting. Nathan Hauritz is in, Nathan Bracken is still sporting annoying hair.

Morne Morkel's into the attack. I think I see a tear in his eye, and a hard glare at Albie. Bitter, much?

AHHH ALBIE AND MORNE ARE BOWLING FROM OPPOSITE ENDS.
I don't know why this is significant or worthy of caps, but it just is. Ntini may have hurt his hand fielding a ball off his own bowling. Serves you right for interfering with the Will Of The Batsman. Not really.

Haha, Albie's economy rate is better than Morne's. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm being petty.

I just realised what I am doing. This cannot go on for much longer. I need sleep. I have a life to attend to tomorrow, or today actually. Seems it's past midnight.

Albie is going for 6 runs an over. Morne's going for a bit more than 4.

Oh fuck Albie, you stupid prick. First you bowl a shocker of a no ball, then bowl a ridiculous length which allows Haddin to get six, then you top it off with a wide. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. I'm not trying to pimp you out on AB's website for nothing, you know.

Albie's horror over: 17 runs.
1,1,6,1,2,1,4

Oh thank god, Ponting's out. Morne was bowling, Ponting tried to get it over mid-on, and Albie took the catch. What happened, Albie? Are your hands suddenly working now? I wonder why Albie even caught the ball and didn't sabotage Morne. I would do that for fun.

David Hussey's been promoted one up the order in supposedly dire circumstances, replacing his brother. Not a particularly bold move.

Albie taken out of the attack and Botha put in. Never thought I'd say this, but thank god. That last over was almost painful to watch.

Something interesting better happen in the next 2 minutes or I'm killing myself. If this was a T20 match, the first innings would be over right now.

Hello again Albie. Try bowling well this time.

HAHAHA, I'm sorry, I knew there was a reason I backed you. Albie bowls the ball that takes a hilarious wicket. David Hussey gets run out when Haddin decides he'd rather not run. AB is a team player and a man of God, so he pegs the ball at Albie, who breaks the stumps. Unfortunately, AB gets credited with this run out, I am sure.

ANOTHER RUN OUT! It's Haddin this time, although Michael Hussey hit the ball. They get one run, Haddin comes back for more, Albie throws the ball to Boucher, stumped. Excellent. Also, Albie gets the credit for this one. Too bad, AB. Looks like you can't beat the real star.

Callum Ferguson comes in and pushes down his spiky hair determinedly with his helmet. He won't let his echidna genes get in the way of saving Australia from their current position of 115/4.

By the way Albie, I'm never doubting you again. Never. Not that I ever did, of course. But 17 runs off one over when I'm in a delirious state of mind is not good.

Microsleep...

Spotto

Spotted: South Africans getting freaky. Watch out for today's match:

Amy S. infiltrates AB de Villiers' website

There is a reason I have waited this long to comment on this. And it is because I have been secretly infiltrating AB's website. Don't believe me? Consider this:

Yes, that is me. Yes, I am now famous. A few days ago, I checked out AB's website to discover to my horror that he now had a scrolling fan mail section running across the top of his page. It moved too fast to actually read anything without getting sore eyes, but I noticed the comments seemed pretty recent. And from there I decided that the only way I was going to post about AB's site was if I managed to get myself on it.

And I did. It was just a matter of making myself seem like a fan and disguising my ridicule at his amazing website as best as possible. I am now on AB de Villiers' website and he is none the wiser as to who I am or my true identity. Super sleuth Amy, that's what they call me. If you look up the website, you'll see my fan mail after a while. It is listed after a person named Suhail Bhat, and the comment that is published is:

Hey AB!!!! This is just fan mail, but I didn't know where else to send it!!! I'm Aussie and I think you're the greatest!!! Keep up the great work, I love your fielding and your website is THE BEST!!! I think the scrolling comments are AWESOME!!!! ... Hope your team wins all the ODIs and you get more hits on your GREAT website!!!

Great stuff.

But it gets better. Much better. In fact, the original comment I mailed off to AB had a sentence wedged between "AWESOME!!!!" and "Hope your team..." which was basically my attempt to sneak in a little Albie love onto AB's website and therefore undermine his efforts to be COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY AMAZING. It was:

I think Albie is also really amazing and awesome!!!

But notice this one sentence didn't turn up on the scrolling comments. Cue hysterics on my part. AB censored my email and removed the comment on Albie Morkel. He replaced the entire sentence on Albie with an ellipse. Notice he didn't do this to any other fan mail that came through. This is almost better than Jacques Kallis' website. I feel special. My comment mattered to him. AB doesn't want the glory to be shared with other players. This is his website, goddammit! And his fans had better praise only him or face censorship at the hands of his Holy ABness.

"Do you see my armpits? I'm the amazing one. Remember that."

AB has a little motto which he uses to sign-off on diary entries: "Stay sharp!" He's even included it in a logo in the header of his site. I don't know what kind of a person you would have to be to do something like make up a cutesy motto to represent yourself, but as I find out through my exploration of the site, AB is a creepily positive and entirely strange person. He seems to be made out of cardboard. I literally cannot detect any personality in this guy besides "WE JUST LOST BUT I'M FEELING SO POSITIVE!!!! Stay sharp!". It is unnerving.

Take his latest diary entry, for example:

We've just arrived at the O.R Tambo airport and I've managed to find a quick 10 minutes for a short update. We're travelling to Durban for the 1st of 5 ODI's. Today will include a quick half an hour of exciting beach volleyball, and then a good stretch and swim session in the warm waters of the ocean.

A wonderful start to the shorter version of the game for us!! That's exactly what we were hoping for. We played very good cricket in the last two Pro 20's and gained a lot of momentum going into the 1st one day international.

We'll be aiming to keep raising our standard of play!

Hope to make you proud over the next couple of weeks.

Stay sharp,
AB

AB is programmed to look for the bright side in everything. "A quick half hour of exciting beach volleyball". That is just... mindblowing. Is he honestly capable of getting psyched up for every little training session they have, especially when it's something entirely stupid like playing beach volleyball? After which they will have "a good stretch and swim session in the warm waters of the ocean". He couldn't leave it at just having a swim. He had to mention the delightfully warm waters of the ocean, just like the exciting game of beach volleyball. Because for AB, everything sports-related is amazingly fun and exciting. He'd even write about 6 hours of non-stop training as being God's gift to the universe.

Then there's his constant obsession with "raising our standard of play" or words to that effect. It is present in nearly every diary entry he makes. Even when South Africa have just won a series or thrashed the Aussies, he returns to the old "we'll be looking to raise the bar in the next match!" I am disturbed by how generic he is. How do you keep up this personality without imploding? Is he always this way? How do his teammates stand him? That is my question.

SA have just lost a Test series 5-0. They sit dejectedly in the dressing room.
AB: Don't worry, guys! We'll just have to aim to raise our standard of play! Stay sharp! Here's some cookies I baked for you guys to make you feel better! Mmm, choc chip! Jacques, have some. I reserved an entire batch especially for you!

AB is determined to not appear to be gloating about his amazing abilities in sport. He has all SuperSport articles relating to the SA cricket team syndicated on his website, so every article appears there automatically. However, when he recently hit the 163 against Australia, an article about "AB thrashing the Aussies" appeared on his website. And then a day later, it was taken down, mysteriously vanishing from the site. "163?" says AB. "What 163? I'm just a humble cricketer." He avoided the topic in his diary entry as well.

In fact, the only mention you will find of his sporting prowess is in the highly amusing "Profile" of him. He plays cricket, golf, tennis and rugby. His golf handicap is 5. In case you weren't feeling inferior enough already. There's also some extremely useful stuff on this page:

He’s also a bundle of energy and agility in the field and, when called upon, has kept wicket with distinction for province and country.
A bundle of energy and agility!

He writes songs and plays the guitar, and is planning to release a CD before long.
He's already released a single titled "Show them who you are" with a random Ampie du Preez. It is... interesting. That is all I am willing to volunteer in my current state.

Is he scared of anything? Jip, snakes!
Jip... oh god...

He likes pasta, and prefers to drink passionfruit & soda.
I hope we don't have another Kallis on our hands. At least Jack Daniels isn't his favourite drink. Although I'm not sure whether passionfruit & soda is any better.

AB’s most-loved book is The Bible.
Enough said.

He loves…South Africa
Good choice!

When he was young, they had a staffie, called Boris.
I'm so glad I know this now.

If he had to choose between communicating via SMS, email, letters or the phone… SMS will win!
I don't understand the point of this.


If you're a cricket fan or player with a burning question, there's also an Ask AB section in which he answers your questions. This is actually the only way through which you can send him fan mail, so AB must have to sort through hundreds of fan mail to find the Ask AB questions in order to answer them. I wonder how he does it. One day I will send him fan mail with a question mark on the end in order to throw him off a little.

If you're looking for entirely nonspecific cricketing advice, AB is the man to go to. Most of his responses to questions about batting/fielding mistakes are:
"Stay positive!!"
"Believe in yourself!!"
"Never force the ball! Just try and time it. Your natural ability will take over!!"
"Just hit it."

He also states the 3 Australian cricketers he'd most like to have dinner with are Michael Clarke, Mike Hussey and Brett Lee. I understand Hussey and Brett Lee (he'd be wanting to get tips of making a music video from the latter - apparently he was going to make a video for "Show them who you are" before the tour in Australia, but ran out of time), but Michael Clarke? Well, alright, I suppose. But only if Clarke is able to get away from Katich to have dinner in the first place.

There is also one amusing Ask AB question in which a person who identifies themselves as "de Villiers" asks AB why he airs his religious views publicly. Here's what AB had to say:

Hi De Villiers,
From my side, I sincerely believe that whatever I may manage to achieve in cricket, or in any other area of life, is made possible by God, through his son Jesus Christ.

I'd feel creeped out if I was talking to myself.

Then you get the messages in Afrikaans:
From: ABIGAIL
Message: HHEY!!! EKT SO BAIE OM VIR JOU TE Sê-EERSTENS WIL EK VIR JOU GELUK WENS MET JOU UITSTEKENDE HONDERD TAL... DIT WAS FANTASTIES. TWEEDENS GELUK AAN DIE SPAN VIR DIE BRILJANTE WEN! DIS AL WAAROOR EK PRAAT VAN GISTER AF, EN GAAN DAAROOR PRAAT TOT ONS VOLGENDE WEN... DIT WAS NOGAL HARTSEER OM STEVE BUCKNOR TE SIEN GAAN. HOOP JY GENIET DIE BLAASKANSIE...

She appears to be frantically trying to get a message across. I just don't know what. It might be a life and death situation, based on the apparent urgency of the message.

Still, this has been a fascinating foray into AB's website. I am now officially on a cricketer's website. Score! And AB cutting out my comments on Albie Morkel is the funniest thing I have experienced this week. I think it might be the one thing that makes this site even better than Jacques Kallis's.

Maybe.

Mike Hussey drops out of IPL

He was always doomed to be jinxed when 12th man said the fateful words

"At least in the IPL, you can see Albie Morkel playing alongside Mike Hussey, Amy!"

Well, we won't now, will we? Because Mike Hussey has dropped out of the IPL.

This is disappointing. The downward spiral keeps on going down...

Nobody's smiling now.

Symonds in preliminary T20 squad

The preliminary squad of 30 players for this year's Twenty20 World Cup in England has been posted. And guess who makes an appearance? It's our very own Andrew Symonds, back from an extended fishing trip. According to James Sutherland, Roy's been making progress with his counselling and whatnot, so they're considering him for the team.

At least players are being taught that it's not them doing the team a favour by playing for them, but the team doing them a favour by including them in the squad. If there's anything I hate, it's arrogance and taking a firm position on a national team for granted. Hello there, KP.

Shaun Tait, Shane Watson, Brett Lee and Shaun Marsh are all on the list, despite still recovering from injuries. Well, at least 3 out of those 4 players genuinely want to play. No prizes for guessing who the last one is, the pansy with all the excuses.

Adam Voges is also on the list. I guess he won't be too busy getting married to play.

And in slightly different news, Australia's womens T20 preliminary squad has also been announced! I am excited to see Ellyse Perry on the list. The players are:

Sarah Aley, Sarah Andrews, Kristen Beams, Alex Blackwell, Kate Blackwell, Melissa Bulow, Jessica Cameron, Jude Coleman, Sarah Coyte, Lauren Ebsary, Sarah Edwards, Rene Farrell, Jodie Fields, Corinne Hall, Rachael Haynes, Alyssa Healy, Emma Inglis, Jessica Jonassen, Delissa Kimmince, Shelley Nitschke, Erin Osborne, Ellyse Perry, Kirsten Pike, Leah Poulton, Karen Rolton, Lisa Sthalekar, Selena Tainton, Jo-Ann Verrall, Elyse Villani, Julie Woerner.

I only put that list up here because they have interesting names. And because they're inherently awesome.

She used to kick ass and go to school at the same time. Now she kicks ass full time.

Graeme lying, Ponting's an idiot & the Proteas line-up

A 3-in-1 post! Great! Here's a fourth point: Jacques Kallis's groin is apparently NOT well enough to allow him to play in the first ODI. Too bad, too bad.

Graeme Smith spoke about playing fast bowlers, in particular, Mitchell Johnson:

“Mitchell has been bowling really well. He is one of the best fast bowlers in the world at the moment and it will be a real challenge facing him. It is something I look forward to. We have had a really good battle over the last period of time, I have had a bit of success and he has had a bit of success, so we will see what happens.”

Here is a man blatantly lying through his teeth. No, Graeme, you are not looking forward to facing Mitch. Remember those broken hands? Remember the pain? Was that fun? Is that something you'd look forward to? The answer is no. I hope for a day when there comes a cricketer who doesn't bullshit his way through interviews with the usual positive stuff, like he's churning out some self-help guide. We've met the first breed of these cricketers with Iain O'Brien, who just isn't afraid to tell the truth about being called a 'faggot'. And then there's Ricky Ponting who does the usual Aussie alpha-team tactics before every series/match and rolls out some "I bet they lose, those dipshits. We're strong as hell" medicine. This is more an attempt to dominate from the outset than to be honest, though.

Also note Graeme counts "success" as having both your hands broken in the space of 3 months by the same bowler.

But what Graeme is good at telling the truth about is the line-up for today's ODI:
Graeme Smith (capt), Johan Botha (vice-capt), Herschelle Gibbs, Hashim Amla, AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Mark Boucher, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Dale Steyn, Makhaya Ntini.
ROFL is carrying the drinks.

In regard to Ricky's big talking, he's been commenting on Graeme's ability to captain as compared to Johan Botha. This guy keeps growing bigger balls by the day, I swear:

“It will be interesting to see how the dynamics of the South African team changes with Graeme at the helm. I will be surprised if he uses Botha as often and under the same circumstances."

I plugged this into my Aussie Bullshit to English translator and it came up with this:

"I'm trying to make you second guess yourself, and this is probably the shittiest attempt at psychological manipulation I've ever had. Fuck it, I hope the SA team starts wishing Botha was captain instead of a cripple. Hey Duminy, I'm going to beat the crap out of you in the dressing rooms."

He then went on to say:

“Graeme has done a great job for the South Africans for some time, but we’ll have to wait and see how he performs after Mitch injured him twice with deliveries.”

I don't even need to translate that. Ponting is hilarious.
But that's not it, oh no it isn't:

“We approached the Pro20-series with some youngsters and they still had to pick up experience. That’s over now and we will do everything in our power to ensure we are the best side again after this series."

Translation: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but it wasn't my fault. It was the fault of the youngsters. Blame them, not me."

India bites back - barely

After a terrifying 190 for 5 at tea, India fought back to end the day at 375 for 9. It's not brilliant, because we've yet to see what happens next, but it's a definite improvement. A much needed one. Highlights of the day were Tendulkar hitting 62, a 48 (off 51 balls) for Sehwag, Iain O'Brien's crucial wicket in his second over, and India's slightly hilarious mini-collapse after lunch, losing 3 wickets in the space of 17 runs. You gotta love Test cricket, especially with the prospect of another exciting 4 days on the calendar. Whoever said Test cricket would die out with the advent of T20 was sadly mistaken.

Dan Vettori made the decision to bowl first, and although Sehwag and Gambhir's antics at first made it seem as though this was a bad idea, it paid off in the middle session, before things began looking a little wayward towards the end again.

Tomorrow's another day of cricket. Excellent.

Wisden taken over by SAfricans

Well, at least Neil McKenzie has something to be happy about. He accidently forwarded a text to me that he was supposed to send to only Mike Procter. It read: "Take that, bastard."

The 146th edition of the Wisden Almanack featured the well-known five Wisden Cricketers of the Year for the year 2008. 3 of them were South African. What is going on? The players, in no particular order:

1. Neil McKenzie
2. Mark Boucher
3. James Anderson
4. Claire Taylor
5. Dale Benkenstein

Numbers 1, 2, and 5 are saffas. 3 and 4 are English. My favourite of the lot is Claire Taylor. She's been an important part of England's cricket team over the past few years, and was a key player in the last Ashes series (England won). She's actually the first female to be present in the list. Ever.

Neil McKenzie and Mark Boucher received the award for their efforts against England in 2008. I remember that series, when the English started seeing stars in their efforts to get McKenzie's wicket. Unfortunately for them, Neil had morphed into an uglier Dravid and decided to become a wall. The good old days for McKenzie. It feels like so long ago.

Here's what Boucher had to say about the award:

"Like all young boys I used to read the Cricketers of the Year in Wisden every year and be awe-struck - I can't quite believe I'm there now. But I'm equally pleased to be alongside Neil McKenzie. Most people don't realise what a complete package he is, both on and off the field, and how much he contributed to our success in 2008. It's fantastic for him to be honoured in this way."

Neil McKenzie is a "complete package" both on and off the field. Interesting thoughts there, Boucher. Very interesting. Perhaps he was misquoted and it was actually supposed to read "Most people don't realise what a complete package he has." That would explain a lot of things like the closeness and hugs. Why do the South African cricketers always seem to be hugging/being in awkward positions?

Say what you will about bromance, but some things are just not normal.

Neil McKenzie has also said that "being a part of Wisden is a great honour" and has also stated that he just "needs to make a few adjustments and then make sure I get the weight of runs required". Does anyone else feel as though he's being quickly forgotten? Cricket moves fast, and once you're off the bandwagon, it can be difficult to get back on.

By the way, Jacques Kallis has never gotten this award. Too busy eating chicken pasta, I suppose.

Jacob Oram is key for CSK

News is that Jacob Oram may not play in this year's IPL tournament after all, due to an Achilles tendon strain. If he's unable to play in the New Zealand domestic state championship final in early April, then it looks like it'll be a sorry goodbye for Oram.

According to the Chennai Super Kings' cricket operations director, VB Chandrasekhar, Stephen Fleming is doing a little behind-the-scenes persuasion to "convince Oram to play the tournament". I don't know what exactly that entails, but I'm trying to get in touch with Oram using Morse code to tell him to run for his life. Everyone's after him. Including Dhoni, says Chandrasekhar. How does that work? Dhoni sneaks off to Oram's house after hours and breaks in to have a "friendly" chat about the possibility of playing for Chennai in the IPL?

Run for the hills. Dhoni's coming to get you and he's got a knife.

Of course, if "he doesn't feel up to it, we won't force him," continues Chandrasekhar. Oh well, I guess that solves THAT problem. No secret messages in Morse code for me.

He also states that Flintoff's absence for part of the tournament will mean Jacob Oram and Albie Morkel will have to share the workload of the team, and that the further absence of Oram would put Morkel under "great strain". I don't know if Chandrasekhar knows this, but if that were to happen Albie would obviously cope well under pressure and continue to go bonkers with the bat, smashing balls into smithereens and mistaking the road outside the stadium as the boundary.

Obviously.

China to host Pakistan matches?

More disturbing than the thought of an Italian playing cricket.
More disturbing than KP's hair.
More disturbing than Jacques Kallis being fit to play in the ODIs.

China being involved in [important] international cricket. Kill me now.

If this is ever the case, there is only one viable option for cricket fans: mass suicide. I vote dressing up as monks and protesting in Tibet in order to get gunned down by the Chinese military. Irony is the flavour of the day.

Javed Miandad, former Pakistan captain and advisor to the obviously fictitious Chinese Cricket Association (what? do they have cricket training camps next to the Olympic ones?) has put forward plans to the Pakistan government and the Chinese association, suggesting China should build a cricket stadium so it can host international tournaments and offer a neutral venue for Pakistan to host their matches.

"If we continue to have problems convincing teams to play in Pakistan because of their security concerns, China is a good option as a neutral venue as we have close ties with them," Miandad said.

If you're logical and unbiased and therefore entirely dissimilar to me, you might feel this is a good idea. Well, fuck it. It isn't. It's a terrible idea and I'm singlehandedly boycotting it.

"By hosting international matches China can help cultivate cricket culture and interest for the sport among their youth," said Miandad.

This is clearly a secret plan for China to become a cricketing superpower. As soon as they develop a real interest in the sport, they will begin churning out robot players who have been hand picked from the fields of the farm their family lived on before being they exchanged their children for a bribe from the Chinese Cricket Association. So little Huan went off to the Cricket Training Academy in Beijing and spent the next 20 years of his life doing cricket drills before he was placed in the Chinese cricket team, which, by the year 2020, will be the No.1 ranked team in all forms of the game in the world.

More disturbing than deep-fried scorpions and a harem of Gong Li replicants.

As disturbing as you're willing to make it.

Johnson: "I'm ready to pulverise Graeme's ribcage"

Moving on from the rather petty targets of hands, Mitchell Johnson has openly announced his enthusiasm for playing against Graeme Smith in the ODIs, claiming he'd "love to have a crack at his skull". Graeme Smith was coincidentally unavailable for comment, but shortly after Johnson's interview was broadcast on television, he is believed to have severely injured himself in a "freak accident involving a blender" and will sit out the ODI series.

“I have really enjoyed our contests that we’ve had. It’s always good to get the opportunity to bowl to an opening batsman with the new ball especially Graeme Smith who is such a great player."

These "contests" Mitchell speaks of are unknown to all. The only thing we saw was broken hands and blood. Blood on Jacques Kallis's face, who is also returning to the ODI squad after a groin injury.

Mickey Arthur has been making some inane comments about how South Africa are hoping to win the first ODI to gain momentum, etc. All the usual stuff.
Morne and Albie are both playing in the ODIs. The first one's on Friday. Should be funny to see how it goes.

Michael Hussey: Top Bloke

Because he is. This is the only place a cricketer will receive recognition for being a top bloke, without scrutiny of his batting average, bowling average or other statistics which only make the game less personable. Forget numbers, let's talk character.

Mike Hussey has plenty of character. He's nice to the point it's almost terrifying. I haven't seen, read or heard a single interview or quote from his mouth which is in any way similar to the vitriol that spews out of some other players' mouths (read: KP, "the old" Graeme Smith). He was also a key player in the 2006-07 Ashes series, helping Australia cleansweep the series 5-0 (I love mentioning that figure. 5-0. does it hurt to read that being English?). In 2006, he reached 1000 Test runs in 166 days, which is still the record.

Hussey is the entirely devoted batsman who spent the majority of his career playing domestically, amassing thousands of runs (over 15,000 to be exact) and tirelessly working to improve technique. He literally spent hours each day practising and practising, perfecting his play. When he debuted at 30 years of age, Michael Hussey was possibly the most devoted cricketer Australia had ever had.

But he's also a thinker. A big thinker, an obsessive thinker. He's spoken of a record book he used to keep, in which he documented his every match of every game and his every result in each. All his performances, his successes and failures, mapped out on paper. Not just a thinker, but a crazy, OCD one. Eventually this had to stop, though, and Hussey was able to break the habit as slightly bad form would begin to play at his mind to detrimental effect. Still, however, he has stated that he cannot seem to be able to escape the slump in form over the past year. And although he practises as much as ever, and trains himself to believe in himself as he walks to the crease, there is still something missing. Or something too much. A seed of doubt in his mind, overthinking the situation, creating problems where there are none.

Poor Mike. He's got the technique, used to be one of Australia's most reliable batsmen, and now, no matter what he does, nothing seems to be going right. It's a disappointment, but it's also a fact of life. Nevertheless, that doesn't change the fact that Michael Hussey is a true top bloke. You can't help but want him to succeed. Except when Albie Morkel is bowling. Then it's kind of funny.

Mike Hussey revises Test average hopes

The man who averaged an amazing 86.18 after 18 Test matches has slumped to 55.29 after 37 tests. Now, 55.29 is not exactly a figure you'd associate with a "slump" but for Michael Hussey, this really is a slump. When he gets hit, he gets hit hard.

An exclusively short interview with Amy S:
Mike: I used to secretly think that I could be as good as the Don. I mean, everyone was calling me Mr. Cricket and whatnot. Do you know who gave me that nickname? Do you?
Amy: Andrew Flintoff?
Mike: Yeah. So tell me, is an average of 100 impossible when you've been branded Mr. Cricket by the only decent English* cricketer?It's not as though my hopes were unrealistic.
Amy: Do you still feel the same way?
*LONG PAUSE*
Mike: I'm perfectly happy to average 50+.

* Note: English refers to genuine born and bred in England cricketers, although we're willing to be flexible about birthplace. The point is, no Safricans, okay?

Sadly, the 33 year old appears to be outshined by his younger brother David (31). Take the first T20 for comparison: David hits 88 off 44 balls and takes 2 wickets. Mike, meanwhile, gets run out for a duck, and no, Sybrand wasn't throwing the ball.
In the second T20, Mike was "rested". David played for 27 runs.

Getting out of the sibling comparisons, Michael Hussey averaged 19.72 runs against South Africa. That is a poor result, and even those runs weren't taken freely. It was almost painful to watch him struggle through matches.

David, the brother who got the short end of the genes stick, also commented on his brother's recent performances:

“It’s very disappointing for Mike. He’s not going through the easiest time with the bat.”

No shit. We hadn't noticed.

So, rested for the last T20, and without a decent overall performance this summer. Mike Hussey's still in all the squads, but the selectors can only go so far/wait so long/have so much faith before they consider the dreaded prospect of being dropped. It's too bad, really, because Mike's a top bloke. Expect the next post to be about that.

Pwease mummy, KP wants to go home

...To watch his wife take part in a television talent contest. Andrew Strauss has strangely enough confirmed this news a few weeks on from the date Kevin Pietersen actually wanted to nip back home. KP apparently asked for a break between the 3rd and 4th tests against the Windies, but was denied it.

"The permission wasn't granted because we're on a cricket tour and it sets a bad precendent if people can go home during the cricket tour," Strauss said.
It's funny, and highly important, that England care about "setting a bad precedent" otherwise every other player will be darting back to England after losing yet another match. But after the surprise win in the 4th ODI, perhaps they're becoming a tad more self-assured. And after KP said the English cricket team is a "pretty damn lonely place to be", we wouldn't want to make the team literally more lonely now would we?

The thing I am most interested in is the reason KP asked for leave. Why would you possibly bother asking for a short break in order to watch your wife participate in a talent contest? Or in order to watch anyone participate in a talent contest? It's baffling. This is like Adam Voges asking to nip back to Australia to get married and return to SA for the next match. Only more insane.

Talent contest.
(Sybrand is disgusted)

ROFL is a bulldog

Roelof van der Merwe's nickname is Bulldog.

What.

Oh shit, everything bad about KP in one post

I love it.

ICC Champions Trophy dates in SA

The dates for the ICC Champions Trophy later this year have been confirmed as bring from September 24 to October 5. Wanderers and Centurion will likely be the host venues.

Better than Napoleon Einstein and Jonty Rhodes

Sybrand Engelbrecht - Freaky Ambidextrous Saffa

He will sing softly in your ear as he murders you in your sleep.

It has come to my attention that South Africa have employed a mutant in their ranks. Sybrand Engelbrecht, a 20 year old who hails from the planet Krypton, is possibly the best and most enthusiastic fielder they have on their side. He is all innocence in front of the camera, smiling and freakishly fielding with both hands, almost running Bryce McGain out in the Newlands test.

But his hair and eyes tell a different story. Sybrand is a serial killer, ambidextrously wielding knives in his midnight hunts across Cape Town. He is known in the local newspapers as The Ghost Of The Night, sometimes punnily referred to as The Ghost Of The Knight as he is believed to wear medieval chainmail and armour while committing these despicable acts. Sybrand is the reincarnation of an army Major-General, returning to kill the descendents of enemies who survived his ambidextrous bayonetting prowess.

And he's my new best friend.

"Awesome!!!"

With hair that literally blinds the opposition, Sybrand shrugs off the notoriety of his evil name and has epileptic fits on the field, convulsing in joy as he darts to field balls and run every damn batsman out. He's drawn comparisons to a certain someone who also fielded manically for the SA team a while ago. Why, Jonty Rhodes, of course!

"Not to rub it in his face or anything, but they call me the better Jonty."

"Plus, everyone likes me better because I'm ambidextrous and good at hiding my inner evil."

Sybrand Engelbrecht was a star fielder in the 2008 under-19 World Cup final against India, taking some stunning catches which required impressive feats of athleticism and ambidextrousity. So he was used as a substitute fielder in the recent test between Australia and SA.

"I try not to show off that I'm ambidextrous but it's hard to keep it a secret. Some people are just born special."

"God said, 'Hey you look deserving, I'll give you an amazing talent.' to me when I was in Mother Engelbrecht's womb. I was the Chosen Ambidextrous One."

Sybrand's main goal on the field is to scare the shit out of batsmen and violently pounce upon each and every ball that comes in his half of the field, often cartwheeling instead of running to reach the ball in the outfield. Due to his ability to rest equal pressure on both arms, he is able to cartwheel faster than he can run, creating opportunities for run-outs.

"It's a hard life," he says. "Sometimes I can't cope with my awe-inspiring ability and I cut myself to feel better. But then I see God and he tells me everything's going to be alright, son. You're ambidextrous, not a quadraplegic. It helps me to see the brighter side of life."

Sybrand may be a brilliant fielder, but he wants to be remembered for his batting and bowling as well. For the moment, however, he's happy to have a label. In high school, he was a junior student under AB de Villiers at Afrikaans Boys School in Pretoria.

"AB de Villiers and Michael Clarke are my favourite fielders. AB is world class and Clarke is fast and accurate," he says. But then he continues, "AB first introduced me to God. We were practising a bit of fielding and he said, 'Hey want to see something so good it's almost illegal?' and I said 'Yes' because I thought we were going to shoot up or something. But then AB took me to church and held my hand and prayed. Kneeling there, I saw a ray of sunlight which seemed brighter than the sun itself. That was when I knew I'd seen God. I told AB and he was really excited and stuff and he told the priest who hired an artist who drew a picture of God based on my description." Pause. "It was amazing. They framed it and it's now outside the church."

Sybrand also believes his athletic ability is a secret power in his genes, as his mother Dina and father Sybrand were both gymnasts.

"Yeah, I think it's getting easier to be ambidextrous now. People are more accepting and we're not being forced into freak shows as much. I think the figure's dropped down to 26% now."

He ponders for a moment about all things ambidextrous. "We even have famous ambidextrous people now. Before, we used to be locked up in asylums if we revealed our secret shame. I read a book recently and it said South Africa had one famous ambidextrous person... Oh wait, that's me." Sybrand laughs at his own joke. "I'm pretty amazing, I'll admit it. It's not everyday you get to meet an ambidextrous cricketer who's almost run an Australian out."

Hello there again

An absence of 3 days means I miss 3 match results. Goddamn it.

• Safrica won in the second T20 match. I'm not smirking, I swear. Albie made 14 off 10 balls and was not out at the end of the innings, also picking up Warner Bunny's wicket. And he took a catch. And then there was Roelof van der Merve, or ROFL, however you wish to put it, won Man of the Match, making 48 off 30 balls. It means he's in the ODI squad for the first two matches. That was slightly easy, I'm thinking. Morne's quivering in his boots right now because of the increased competition. It's not even important to mention Australia's performance, making 139 in the 20 overs, and not the 156 required. Nathan Bracken went for 44 runs, taking one wicket. I don't even know why I'm mentioning this. It's just funny.
• England wins the ODI. Thanks, Ducky. Although, they actually performed well, so credit goes to the team. Particularly me, says Strauss. And yes, particularly him. Brilliant knock.
• India draws the Napier test with NZ. Thought so. They only lose 3 wickets in the 2nd innings and held out for a draw.

Meanwhile, I have been chatting to the likes of Julia Gillard and Princess Anne. Got to make myself feel better about missing these matches.