Friday, 3 April 2009

Amy S. infiltrates AB de Villiers' website

There is a reason I have waited this long to comment on this. And it is because I have been secretly infiltrating AB's website. Don't believe me? Consider this:

Yes, that is me. Yes, I am now famous. A few days ago, I checked out AB's website to discover to my horror that he now had a scrolling fan mail section running across the top of his page. It moved too fast to actually read anything without getting sore eyes, but I noticed the comments seemed pretty recent. And from there I decided that the only way I was going to post about AB's site was if I managed to get myself on it.

And I did. It was just a matter of making myself seem like a fan and disguising my ridicule at his amazing website as best as possible. I am now on AB de Villiers' website and he is none the wiser as to who I am or my true identity. Super sleuth Amy, that's what they call me. If you look up the website, you'll see my fan mail after a while. It is listed after a person named Suhail Bhat, and the comment that is published is:

Hey AB!!!! This is just fan mail, but I didn't know where else to send it!!! I'm Aussie and I think you're the greatest!!! Keep up the great work, I love your fielding and your website is THE BEST!!! I think the scrolling comments are AWESOME!!!! ... Hope your team wins all the ODIs and you get more hits on your GREAT website!!!

Great stuff.
But it gets better. Much better. In fact, the original comment I mailed off to AB had a sentence wedged between "AWESOME!!!!" and "Hope your team..." which was basically my attempt to sneak in a little Albie love onto AB's website and therefore undermine his efforts to be COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY AMAZING. It was:

I think Albie is also really amazing and awesome!!!

But notice this one sentence didn't turn up on the scrolling comments. Cue hysterics on my part. AB censored my email and removed the comment on Albie Morkel. He replaced the entire sentence on Albie with an ellipse. Notice he didn't do this to any other fan mail that came through. This is almost better than Jacques Kallis' website. I feel special. My comment mattered to him. AB doesn't want the glory to be shared with other players. This is his website, goddammit! And his fans had better praise only him or face censorship at the hands of his Holy ABness.

"Do you see my armpits? I'm the amazing one. Remember that."

AB has a little motto which he uses to sign-off on diary entries: "Stay sharp!" He's even included it in a logo in the header of his site. I don't know what kind of a person you would have to be to do something like make up a cutesy motto to represent yourself, but as I find out through my exploration of the site, AB is a creepily positive and entirely strange person. He seems to be made out of cardboard. I literally cannot detect any personality in this guy besides "WE JUST LOST BUT I'M FEELING SO POSITIVE!!!! Stay sharp!". It is unnerving.

Take his latest diary entry, for example:

We've just arrived at the O.R Tambo airport and I've managed to find a quick 10 minutes for a short update. We're travelling to Durban for the 1st of 5 ODI's. Today will include a quick half an hour of exciting beach volleyball, and then a good stretch and swim session in the warm waters of the ocean.

A wonderful start to the shorter version of the game for us!! That's exactly what we were hoping for. We played very good cricket in the last two Pro 20's and gained a lot of momentum going into the 1st one day international.

We'll be aiming to keep raising our standard of play!

Hope to make you proud over the next couple of weeks.

Stay sharp,
AB

AB is programmed to look for the bright side in everything. "A quick half hour of exciting beach volleyball". That is just... mindblowing. Is he honestly capable of getting psyched up for every little training session they have, especially when it's something entirely stupid like playing beach volleyball? After which they will have "a good stretch and swim session in the warm waters of the ocean". He couldn't leave it at just having a swim. He had to mention the delightfully warm waters of the ocean, just like the exciting game of beach volleyball. Because for AB, everything sports-related is amazingly fun and exciting. He'd even write about 6 hours of non-stop training as being God's gift to the universe.

Then there's his constant obsession with "raising our standard of play" or words to that effect. It is present in nearly every diary entry he makes. Even when South Africa have just won a series or thrashed the Aussies, he returns to the old "we'll be looking to raise the bar in the next match!" I am disturbed by how generic he is. How do you keep up this personality without imploding? Is he always this way? How do his teammates stand him? That is my question.

SA have just lost a Test series 5-0. They sit dejectedly in the dressing room.
AB: Don't worry, guys! We'll just have to aim to raise our standard of play! Stay sharp! Here's some cookies I baked for you guys to make you feel better! Mmm, choc chip! Jacques, have some. I reserved an entire batch especially for you!

AB is determined to not appear to be gloating about his amazing abilities in sport. He has all SuperSport articles relating to the SA cricket team syndicated on his website, so every article appears there automatically. However, when he recently hit the 163 against Australia, an article about "AB thrashing the Aussies" appeared on his website. And then a day later, it was taken down, mysteriously vanishing from the site. "163?" says AB. "What 163? I'm just a humble cricketer." He avoided the topic in his diary entry as well.

In fact, the only mention you will find of his sporting prowess is in the highly amusing "Profile" of him. He plays cricket, golf, tennis and rugby. His golf handicap is 5. In case you weren't feeling inferior enough already. There's also some extremely useful stuff on this page:

He’s also a bundle of energy and agility in the field and, when called upon, has kept wicket with distinction for province and country.
A bundle of energy and agility!

He writes songs and plays the guitar, and is planning to release a CD before long.
He's already released a single titled "Show them who you are" with a random Ampie du Preez. It is... interesting. That is all I am willing to volunteer in my current state.

Is he scared of anything? Jip, snakes!
Jip... oh god...

He likes pasta, and prefers to drink passionfruit & soda.
I hope we don't have another Kallis on our hands. At least Jack Daniels isn't his favourite drink. Although I'm not sure whether passionfruit & soda is any better.

AB’s most-loved book is The Bible.
Enough said.

He loves…South Africa
Good choice!

When he was young, they had a staffie, called Boris.
I'm so glad I know this now.

If he had to choose between communicating via SMS, email, letters or the phone… SMS will win!
I don't understand the point of this.


If you're a cricket fan or player with a burning question, there's also an Ask AB section in which he answers your questions. This is actually the only way through which you can send him fan mail, so AB must have to sort through hundreds of fan mail to find the Ask AB questions in order to answer them. I wonder how he does it. One day I will send him fan mail with a question mark on the end in order to throw him off a little.

If you're looking for entirely nonspecific cricketing advice, AB is the man to go to. Most of his responses to questions about batting/fielding mistakes are:
"Stay positive!!"
"Believe in yourself!!"
"Never force the ball! Just try and time it. Your natural ability will take over!!"
"Just hit it."

He also states the 3 Australian cricketers he'd most like to have dinner with are Michael Clarke, Mike Hussey and Brett Lee. I understand Hussey and Brett Lee (he'd be wanting to get tips of making a music video from the latter - apparently he was going to make a video for "Show them who you are" before the tour in Australia, but ran out of time), but Michael Clarke? Well, alright, I suppose. But only if Clarke is able to get away from Katich to have dinner in the first place.

There is also one amusing Ask AB question in which a person who identifies themselves as "de Villiers" asks AB why he airs his religious views publicly. Here's what AB had to say:
Hi De Villiers,
From my side, I sincerely believe that whatever I may manage to achieve in cricket, or in any other area of life, is made possible by God, through his son Jesus Christ.

I'd feel creeped out if I was talking to myself.

Then you get the messages in Afrikaans:
From: ABIGAIL
Message: HHEY!!! EKT SO BAIE OM VIR JOU TE SĂȘ-EERSTENS WIL EK VIR JOU GELUK WENS MET JOU UITSTEKENDE HONDERD TAL... DIT WAS FANTASTIES. TWEEDENS GELUK AAN DIE SPAN VIR DIE BRILJANTE WEN! DIS AL WAAROOR EK PRAAT VAN GISTER AF, EN GAAN DAAROOR PRAAT TOT ONS VOLGENDE WEN... DIT WAS NOGAL HARTSEER OM STEVE BUCKNOR TE SIEN GAAN. HOOP JY GENIET DIE BLAASKANSIE...

She appears to be frantically trying to get a message across. I just don't know what. It might be a life and death situation, based on the apparent urgency of the message.

Still, this has been a fascinating foray into AB's website. I am now officially on a cricketer's website. Score! And AB cutting out my comments on Albie Morkel is the funniest thing I have experienced this week. I think it might be the one thing that makes this site even better than Jacques Kallis's.

Maybe.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are a STUPID!
This article is also STUPID!
Get a LIFE you Troll!
And stop posting silly stuffs about cricketers over here you MORON!

Anonymous said...

What a Silly thing you are to post something like this!! Idiot!

Anonymous said...

The WORST article i've ever read! Thanks to you!

Anonymous said...

eh? does this story really makes any sense??

Amy said...

Hello AB, nice to meet you there.

Keep on visiting this blog, but lay off the swearing. I know you didn't do all that well in the T20s, but you don't need to take it out on me.

Cheers,
Amy

Alex said...

You have a lot of fans Amy. I like the post. It takes the piss out of a player in a joking way and its funny to see your comments appear on his site. I might send one myself.

Amy said...

Do try not to mention Albie Morkel in your message, Alex. It'll only work against you.

And as for my fans, what can I say? I attract them in droves. But this Anonymous is only more amusing than anything else. I am a STUPID! does this really makes any sense? Can I use my tenses correctly? The answer is no.

12th Man said...

You are a writing machine Amy. Good work.

I tried my best to read through the scrolling comments on AB's site without much success. I didn't quite "stay sharp".

AB's not the bloke to turn to for cricket coaching. He seems to flood you with cliches more than teaching you any cricketing skills.

Looks a religious person, attributing every success of his' to God and His son.

Definitely not a Zombie like Kallis.

Amy said...

Kallis is the ruler of zombies. But he's a special one, because he gets to eat chicken pasta.

The speed of the scrolling comments, if accompanied with bright lights, will probably result in viewers having epileptic fits. It's not safe for viewing at all, and neither is AB's advice on cricketing.

If you'll notice, AB is a more prolific writer than I am. He just updated his diary, probably sitting in the dressing room with his laptop or something. And he just smiled at the wicket of Clarke falling. You don't even need to be at the match, you can practically feel the vibes of it just by reading AB's diary. Marvellous.

SimonC said...

This is a beautiful thing. The fact he removed the Albie mention is too perfect for words.

Incidentally, I'm not sure whether I'm pleased or horrified to discover a blogger more prolific than Jrod. I think probably both.

Amy said...

Yes, I cannot even begin to explain how hilarious it is that he removed the comment about Albie. And hey, there's sure to be lulls in my blogging at some point.

Anonymous said...

AB doesn't run his own website Amy, Looks like you are the zombie!!!

The people at supersport runs it for him, he has a life you know.

How small must your brain be to really think he can manage all the POSITIVE comments on his website and play cricket and EXERCISE 24/7...

He has a PA choosing the best ask AB question and then sends it to him...

One question....do you choose a positive super talented humble religious person like AB or the opposite? Looks like a dumb question...

Funny that you are so interested in him, soooo sad!

On the Albie thing, Supersport took it off....


Please try and be more original and positive...are you working for the devil?

you are not married hey...hopefully not...


Take care and sorry for being so rude, just trying to make a point...


The random
Ampie du Preez

Amy said...

Looks like you've completely missed the point, darling.

Don't tell me AB doesn't write his own diary entries or doesn't answer his own Ask AB questions. Don't tell me he isn't trying to build himself up to be a ridiculously positive person who will always STAY SHARP.

Love the dig about marriage. If I were a male blogger, would you ask me that? Seriously, I'm sick of misogynstic bullshit being constantly directed my way. Not that it has the intended effect on me, of course. Any woman can vouch for knowing that they've have a tougher time of it in male-dominated circles, but we've also learnt to hang on. So sorry, I haven't been a good little submissive girl and gotten married to the first guy who expresses an interest in me. Because women should be grateful for any attention they get, right? Sexism at its finest.

I am the devil's agent, however. How did you guess?

Afley said...

I love your blogs amy but this Anon has some sense. Even in Mark's site, his Q/As are sent to him by his secretary (he said it himself). And AB's too. Coz If you ask a Q in his site, and get a answer for that, you'll see that you'll get a mail from his secratary with the answer.

Amy said...

Yes, I do know that. But I have no qualms about which Ask AB questions he answers. Everyone seems to be barking up the wrong tree here. I couldn't care less about WHICH questions he answers. It's more the manner in which he answers them.

If you'll note, my Boucher post did acknowledge this entirely.

Crystal said...

Try using an online Afrikaans translator for reading the Afrikaans stuff. I just found a rather odd message on the AB site by doing this. THe fan mail from the 6th of April from a 64year old and has something to do with SA crickets and shaving???? Not sure if something was lost in the translation?
Apprently the fan mail from the frantic fan should read something along the lines of;
hhey!!! ekt so very at/to for your to say - first of all will i for your luck want with your excellent one hundred tal. . . it was great . secondly luck at the team for the brilliant win ! it's all over which im talking of yesterday down , and goes about it speak to our next win . . . it has been rather sad at/to steve bucknor to see goes . hopes you enjoy the blaaskansie

Not quite life and death if you ask me
Keep up the good work with the blog!!

Amy said...

I find online translators for languages such as French are dodgy enough. I did use the Afrikaans one for a few words, though.

Cheers, thanks for the support. That last Afrikaans message turned out to be a disappointment.

AB... I mean anonymous said...

Leaf AB alone! Hes relly nice and cool and funny and handsum. Hes a man of faith, and that makes him super kool. I dont think its fare that you make fun of him. He's a great batter, fielder and keeper and all rond cricketer.

Amy said...

Is this a joke?

Just so I can set the record straight, everything I write about AB? It's harmless for god's sake. I'm doing exactly that - making fun of him. I don't have a serious moral opposition to him so people need to catch onto this real fast because it's old news. AB practically sets himself up for ridicule.

Anonymous said...

im a massive ab fan but i have no problem with what u write about him amy. its only light hearted and you're open to your opinion - and at least we get our fix of ab news :). people should stop taking it so seriously

Amy said...

Cheers, at least someone's head isn't stuck so far up their own ass they can't understand humour or blatant illogical bias when they see it.

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Lopez said...

You are a writing machine Amy. Good work. I tried my best to read through the scrolling comments on AB's site without much success. I didn't quite "stay sharp". AB's not the bloke to turn to for cricket coaching. He seems to flood you with cliches more than teaching you any cricketing skills. Looks a religious person, attributing every success of his' to God and His son. Definitely not a Zombie like Kallis.