Andre Nel Retires

Yesterday, Andre Nel announced his retirement from international cricket. Best known for being the only criminally insane psychopath to be allowed to play for his country, the schizophrenic Nel has backtracked to live up to the madman-turned-saint-upon-retirement cliché that was most recently seen after Matthew Hayden's retirement.

"It is with a heavy heart that I announce my retirement from international cricket. Playing for my country for the last eight years was a dream come true for me. I would like to thank my captain, Graeme Smith, and my coaches, Mickey Arthur and Vinnie Barnes, and all my Proteas' teammates for their support and guidance."

Technically, he's only played 7 years, since his last matches for SA were in England last year. But we'll forgive him the mistake. After all, he's a nice person now.

He helps his team mates when they're feeling down...

And makes funny faces to mask his evilness.

He lets his team mates jump on him for fun.

And gives good jaw-clenched hugs to the needy.

If you cannot see the kindness now, you never will. It's a simple concept: Gunther is the evil one, Andre's the normal one - the certified accountant.

Gunther is coming to get you.

Andre's pretty thankful to a couple of other fellows:

"A special thanks to my two biggest mentors, Ray Jennings and Shaun Pollock. Without your advice and influence I would not have made it as far as I did."

Ah, Shaun Pollock, the traitorous ex-fast bowler who decided that medium-fast was good enough. He of the ginger head. Yes, I remember. Pollock's retirement speech was bollocks (sorry, couldn't resist):

"I realise I have been blessed by God and feel I have nurtured my talents to the best of my abilities."

Sounds fulfilling.

Cricket South Africa's CEO Gerald Majola was quick to assert himself as the master and Andre as the slave:

"He has been a good servant to South African cricket and I wish him all the best."

"That last part is a lie. I hope Gunther takes over his brain and blows up the whites."

Mickey Arthur is under the impression Andre was "a passionate player who always gave 110% for his country". Where does the extra 10% come from? Gunther? Or Nel's facial expressions?

But this isn't the end of Andre Nel, as he's contracted to play for Surrey in the English county season. Graeme Smith is so confused from tennis elbow that he interpreted this as Andre moving to England to play international cricket for them. He sought out Andre and had a verbal sparring match with him:

Graeme: How could you, Gunther! You're more treacherous than Kevin!

Andre: ARGH!!! I am Gunther!!!

Graeme: You're slating South Africa!

Andre: You're an absolute muppet, Graeme.

You can't escape the muppets, Graeme.

Graeme: I never want to see you on the field again!

Andre: ...You won't. But you'll be seeing GUNTHER again.

Surrey appears to be looking to boost their ranks by having an evil mastermind in their midst. They'll be hoping Gunther is coming down from his oxygen-deprived home in the mountains for a holiday, because they'll be needing his expertise in the field.

"Madness? I AM GUNTHER!!!"