Looking at SA and Australia's T20 squads

No sleep tonight. I have to be there to watch South Africa beat Australia. Excellent.

"We will rock you with disturbing feats of athleticism."

But before the match starts, I want to offer a view into the squads and analyse them till their bones quiver. It's a scary experience for the cricketers.

South Africa:

Johan Botha (Captain)- The guy who reinvented himself as a class spinner to get into the side, and whose surprise captaincy in Australia was one of the highlights of the ODI series (although Albie got the Man of the Series award, Johan was also a deserving compatriot). Stated the importance of starting well against Australia in the T20 matches, as if we didn't already know.

No, not this Johan Botha. The other one.

Yusuf Abdullah - Bowler, supposedly quite good in domestic cricket. Don't care much. Onto the big names! Although now that I've said that, he'll probably turn out to be brilliant.

Hashim Amla - I keep waiting for him to perform better in the Test side, but maybe by some miracle he'll do well in the T20 match. Doubt it, though. I'm only watching him to see how many times he can do wristy flicks without causing permanent damage to them. The man has stronger wrists than Sachin.

Mark Boucher - Wicketkeeper. South Africa need him for his experience and cool head. He will probably bat between Albie and Johan.

AB de Villiers - If he can lay off making demands from Mickey Arthur, and try his hardest not to get killed, he should be fairly successful. Maybe hit 36 in one over and take a catch involving a somersault at slip - the usual. And perhaps a reprieve from Paul Harris is all for the best in helping AB concentrate on the match at hand.

Love is a freaky thing.

JP Duminy - Should be glad Ashwell's never been a real T20 player or he'd be blamed for taking his spot again. If South Africa have a brain explosion and run each other out, JP's our man. He's also a handy fielder and made a brilliant catch in the last T20s in Australia. What fun. He'll make a classy half-century or more.

Herschelle Gibbs - Just finished writing a book entitled "Hansie, Money & I" and was recently seen exiting a support group called "The League of Those Who Have Fucked Up Match Fixing Big Time". Big hitter of the ball, attempts to avoid Indians, gets out by playing the stupidest shots. If Ashwell's the best SA leaver of the ball, Gibbs is the worst. What's more, he hits bad balls straight into the hands of fielders. But if he gets going, SA is set.

Johann Louw - Bowling all-rounder, made his international debut in a T20 match against Kenya late last year.

Albie Morkel - The real star! Is obviously going to beat AB and motor SA to a victory with a powerful ton, then be gracious enough to give some handy advice to Wayne Parnell about how it is done. Will also take at least 5 wickets, but it's not his fault if he doesn't. He already has a lot on his plate, like being a batting SUPERSTAR.

"One moment, I think I'm getting too excited."

Justin Ontong - Mostly plays domestic cricket, is the captain of a side called the "Cape Cobras". Interesting name.

Wayne Parnell - Captained the U19 team in 2008, and debuted in Australia in the same ODI that Tsotsobe unfortunately overshadowed him. Attracts laser beams from Australian crowds, but has since learnt to avoid lasers after some ninja training similar to my own.

Robin Peterson - Was once hit for 28 runs in one over in a Test match by Brian Lara, a record that AB nearly broke in the last Test. Peterson is reportedly distressed the record still holds.

Dale Steyn - Warner thinks he's Dale's bunny, so the best fast bowler in the world is understandably tentative about competing in this match at all.

Roelof van der Merwe - 23 year old spinner who takes his name after Internet slang. ROFL! A big hitter of the ball.

Vaughn van Jaarsveld - Hung out with the big boys for a bit in Australia but didn't get to smash any balls and build a huge total. Maybe tonight's his night. Inexplicably, I find him incredibly hilarious and want to be his friend.

But does he want to be my friend?

Australia:

Ricky Ponting (Captain) - What an ass. Hope Albie bowls him out again.

Michael Clarke (Vice-Captain) - Also an ass, with a dracula for a fiancé. Was rather hilariously choked by Simon Katich recently, although the encounter unfortunately did not result in death. Maybe next time.

Where the bloody hell is your mask, Lara?

Nathan Bracken - Maybe he'll stop whining for once and actually pretend to be playing for his country. So what if you're not in the fucking Test squad? You'd think he'd finally get over it. Maybe his hair is hindering his ability to think. I'd happily chop it off and auction it off for charity.

Callum Ferguson - Manages to look normal with his helmet on, but ultra-freaky without it. Resembles an echidna on his best days.

"That I am."

Brett Greeves - Seamer from Tasmania who was called up to South Africa after Doug Bollinger hurt himself.

Brad Haddin - Sometimes edges his gloves in front of the bails to claim a wicket and let out an extraordinary number of extras in the last Test, but he can bat and plus, he's the only option Australia have got. Adam Gilchrist must be gloating at the relative shittiness of his successor.

"Fuck you, Dan Vettori, for accusing me! It was behind the stumps!"

Shane Harwood - Bowler. He and Warner are the only members of this squad not staying on for the ODI series.

Nathan Hauritz - At least Australia's making progress by having a specialist spinner in the squad. As for the rest, Hauritz will have to prove his worth, especially after Bryce McGain's brain explosion which may have scarred Aussie spinning hopes.

James Hopes - Chunky fellow, also an all-rounder. Does a decent job at both batting and bowling, but it extremely kind to me and manages to get out quickly when I'm sick of watching him play. Which is often.

David Hussey - His constant physical brawls with older brother Mike during their childhood years have toughened him up and made him realise cricket is a hard sport. So he's learnt to smash the ball around and take wickets, no doubt hoping he can usurp his struggling brother's position in the Test side. Sneaky bugger.

Michael Hussey - The older brother. will probably fail miserably and get caught behind for a duck. Hopefully off Albie's bowling.

Mitchell Johnson - What a bowler. Notice the last part: bowler. Not all-rounder. Maybe if I repeat this a few more times, it'll stick in his head and he'll stop dreaming big. It's disconcerting when he does, and even worse when everyone goes along with it. Mitch will probably attempt to recreate some magic and blast his way to a ton... not if I have it my way. You don't see Dale Steyn trying to pretend to bat well, do you? Oh wait, yes you do, but that was only ONE TEST. And he had JP on the other side, trying to save SA from defeat, so it wasn't all the Dale Steyn Show.

"Thank you, thank you. I hit centuries all the time. It is the way of all-rounders."

Ben Laughlin - Queensland fast bowler who performed well domestically recently and was therefore fast tracked to the T20 squad. Funny that. I seem to remember Bryce McGain also toiling (disregarding the last Test) and he wasn't moved up the ranks so quickly. Youth has its benefits, I suppose.

Marcus North - Crackhead. Notice how calling him a crackhead still does nothing to make North seem more interesting? He's just so boring and strangely typical. Hit a century in his Test debut and made some iffy scores for the remainder.

David Warner - Called himself Dale Steyn's bunny. Enough said.

Cameron White - Nothing much to be said about him, seeing as he didn't do amazingly well in the ODI series in Australia. He has the ability to hit big and score big, so maybe he'll turn it around tonight.