English players can't celebrate

It's true. Watch them after a wicket is taken and you'll see the most disjointed celebrations ever. One or two players dart over to bowler, have a mini-celebration, next player ambles over for a cocktail party with bowler before moving away, in comes another player to ruffle the bowler's hair.

It's all a shambles, really. Everyone knows that the celebrations following a wicket should resemble some sort of giant on-field orgy. Every other team does it, all the women's teams do it, but somehow it's a concept the English men's national side hasn't grasped. The ideal celebrations involve not being able to see the bowler at all in the midst of a huddle. England, however, have been known to be spread across half the ground in clusters of twos or threes, while the bowler chats away to one player.

Shameful, really. So in order to rectify this dire situation, I offer the English team a few handy pointers on what celebrations should really look like:

If the Aussies can stand being that close to a ranga, what's wrong with England and Colly?

South Africa have been coached by AB on how to get in nice and tight.

India can stand the smell of sweat.

Even Pakistan have been known to do it.

The nice cousin at the party Sri Lanka is capable of it.

The Blackcaps do it.

And for fuck's sake, even Bangladesh and Zimbabwe do it:

That's just not on. England can barely manage to stay together for half a minute. Players eventually break off and hang around at the fringes of the rest of the group, not even bothering to look involved. Why is this? Is it knowing that much of your team isn't even REALLY ENGLISH? If you'll notice with KP, he always comes in to congratulate the bowler pretty soon after the wicket is taken and then meanders about not quite knowing what to do. Andrew Strauss has managed to convince everyone he's really English and not evil at heart. Birthplace matters. At least, to the English team it does.

Half of them look like they couldn't care less.

This is strange because I have noticed that the English women's team is probably the best women's team when it comes to celebrations on the field. They're consistent and enthusiastic:

In the words of Sick Boy, it's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.

Bangladesh have it.

All walks of life. England had it, lost it.

But perhaps the best illustration of this pertinent point is a video of Freddie's recent hat-trick. Aside from his ridiculous poses and general aura of being a prick (doesn't make him any less awesome, however, just a little stupider), Freddie induces perhaps the most lacklustre response from his team as a whole following the monumental feat (particularly so for him). Don't tell me the response isn't unenthusiastic, because it is. Half the players are chatting about the weather, by the looks of it: