Albie is feeling threatened

I am stuffing a dozen Easter eggs in my mouth, overwhelmed by the festive spirit, when my phone rings. Mouth full of chocolate, I answer it, uttering a muffled "Hello?"

"AFRIKAANS AFRIKAANS AFRIKAANS!!!!!!!!!!" is the reply.

I swallow all the chocolate. I know who this is. "Albie," I say, "You know I can't understand Afrikaans. Speak in English."

There is a silence on the other end. Then, "QUICK, WHO'S THE BEST BOWLER IN THE WORLD?"

I am confused.

"TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK. TIME'S RUNNING OUT!"

I have played this game 5 times in the last 3 days. "You, Albie," I say. "You're the best bowler in the world."

"PING! ONE POINT."

"Why are you calling?"

"QUICK, WHO'S THE BEST BATSMAN IN THE WORLD?"

I don't even pretend to consider this. "Albie Morkel."

"PING! WE'RE MOVING ONTO THE BONUS QUESTION NOW. FIVE POINTS FOR A CORRECT ANSWER. MINUS FIVE FOR AN INCORRECT ANSWER. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?"

"Tense."

"WHICH LESS FAMOUS BROTHER OF A SOUTH AFRICAN CRICKETER WAS DROPPED FROM BOTH THE TEST AND ODI SIDE? TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK."

"Oh gee, I dunno."

"HINT: HE'S TALL AND UGLY AND HAS A STUPID NAME."

"Morne Morkel?"

"PING! FIVE POINTS! YOU ARE THE WINNER. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?"

I play along with him. It is the only way for him to stop. "I'm feeling great. This was quite a difficult game and I'm glad I answered correctly. Now, Albie, why did you call?"

Albie doesn't respond for a moment. Finally, he says, "I need your help."

This piques my interest. "What help?" I'm feeling suspicious. "Does this involve water bombing Morne?"

Albie laughs enthusiastically. "No. But that was fun, wasn't it? Did you see his face when he drank some of the water and I said 'By the way, that's my piss!'."

"Yes, it was hilarious. What do you need help with?"

"Who is Jacques Oram?"

This seems to be fairly innocuous. "He's a Kiwi, and it's Jacob, by the way."

But Albie doesn't care for that. "Where does he live? I need to send him a threatening letter."

This is what I'm here for. I stop Albie from carrying out all these crazy plans. "Why would you want to do that, Albie?"

Albie sighs heavily on the other end of the line, as though I am entirely stupid. "Because he might beat me, obviously. Last year I was the winner from Chennai. I was their leading wicket taker TAKE THAT MORNE. But this year he's here and Morne said he'll beat me. So I need to stop him playing."

I consider this. "Shouldn't you be more afraid of Freddie?"

"No," Albie says. "He can't take wickets. He's a loser. I'm a winner."

"But shouldn't you be doing what's best for the team by letting Jacob play?"

"No. I need to beat Morne."

I can see he's not going to listen. "Listen, Albie, I know you're tired and you have so much work on your hands, what with beating Morne and all. So tell you what, I'll sabotage Jacob myself, okay? I'll replace his Gatorade with water."

Albie doesn't say anything. "What is Gatorade?" he asks.

"It's a magic drink which makes you play well. It's the only reason Jacob's been succeeding."

Albie laughs. "Good, take it away. And give him dirty water."

"Yes, Albie."

"And give me Gatorade."

"Yes, Albie."

"Also, send Morne a photo of me winning."

"Yes, Albie."

"Tell him everyone loves me more and I'm worth more money."

"Yes, Albie."

"Also tell him nobody likes fast bowlers so stop thinking you're good."

"Yes, Albie."

"QUICK, WHO'S THE BEST PLAYER ON THE SOUTH AFRICAN TEAM?"

"You, Albie."

"RIGHT!" Albie laughs manically, and is still laughing when I cut the call.

I return to my Easter eggs and continue eating.

"QUICK, WHOSE RUN-UP IS BETTER THAN MORNE'S?"